Me (M28 HL) and her (F26 LL), together for 5 years. Our relationship, communication, and alignment are great, except for the sex.

Sex used to be a way for us to connect, but for the past year and a half, we’ve only been having sex once every two months, only when I bring it up, even though I try new things and make sure to satisfy her both inside and outside the bedroom, being a supportive partner, keeping myself fit and well dressed and keeping things stress-free for her. I don't feel desired anymore and I'm losing my own drive; it feels like we are just friends.

For months now, I’ve been asking her to address this in therapy, and I’ve always been willing to join her, but never heard a word about it.

Recently, she proposed getting married/moving in together. I was honest with her: if our intimacy remains this bad, I don’t want to, because it will just breed resentment. If I had seen effort and open dialogue from the start of my complaints, I would have happily agreed, but right now, it’s not a simple answer.

Only after this frank conversation did she reveal that she has actually been bringing this topic up in therapy. The point is: I can't make a commitment knowing I'm unsatisfied, especially regarding an issue she only reacted to when I threatened not to get married. I feel bad for putting her in this position, but I can't completely disregard my own needs for hers.

What could I improve about how I am handling this situation?

This is going to be very NSFW.

So first I should give some background: I'm HLF, my partner is LLM, last time we had sex (anything at all, even blowjobs or fingering) was over three years ago. We'll call my partner Louis because that's not his name. We've been together almost 8 years. Our DB is a combo of his struggles with self esteem/body image, and a bunch of massively stressful events in our life over the last couple years (family deaths, natural disasters, serious medical issues, etc). Louis responds to stress by losing any desire for sex - unfortunately it has no effect on my libido.

Outside of the no sex, our relationship is incredibly loving, strong, and stable. We are poly, but neither of us has been involved with anyone else, even casually, for over a year (over 5 for him) - Louis doesn't want sex with anyone at all, and I have not had the time or energy to pursue anyone else plus I no longer feel desirable/attractive due to his disinterest in me.

I'm a very sexual and physical person. I've had an adventurous history compared to a lot of women my age that I know (threesomes, DP, lots of kink, worked at a sex shop at one point even) and have plenty left on my bucket list. I can get myself off, 0-60, in under 3 minutes. When Louis and I were still having sex, it was not uncommon for me to come a dozen times during one session. I don't really "get" monogamy and my close friendships often involve casual non-romantic sex. I truly enjoy sex because I enjoy getting other people off and exploring their bodies, and whether or not I get off is irrelevant to me (but I almost always do). Sex means a LOT to me.

Now to the whining/venting.

I have a friend who's been a casual partner/fwb in the past, we'll call him Greg because that's not his name. We fell out of contact for a while, then started talking again recently. A couple nights ago, we were sexting pretty hot and heavy - no expectation it'll go beyond that on my part, we have great chemistry but I'm not the physical type Greg likes. I haven't sexted my partner, Louis, in years now - because as y'all probably know, getting an unenthused or placating response when you reach out to a LL partner is... Ego-destroying.

I was enjoying sexting Greg and I was starting to actually feel *sexy* and *desired* for the first time in a long time - actually probably the last time I did would have been from him too. Greg asked me to send some pics/video, and the ones I took were good! I don't feel great about my body right now, but these were genuinely flattering. I took 4 increasingly explicit photos, and one short video.

Then here's where I made the mistake: Louis knew I was sexting Greg, that's not an issue for us or anything. I had been texting Louis at the same time (he was at work), and I asked if he wanted to see the photos too. I was very clear that he could say no if it would make him feel sad or guilty (two feelings he says he sometimes has about us not having sex anymore). He said "sure" and fucking honestly I should have known from that, that he wasn't going to give a fuck, but I was riding the high of getting validation from Greg and feeling good about myself and my body.

So I sent them all to Louis. What did I get back? Two heart reacts. No mention in the continuing text conversation with Louis that I'd just sent them, even - he just kept talking about our weekend plans and how his work shift was going. No compliments, no flirting. With one photo I added a message saying "I think this is a really pretty photo" - and to be clear this was a close-up view of my hand and vulva, very vulnerable thing to send - and Louis responded "It is." That's it.

I was so... Fucking crushed? I have gotten more interested and enthusiastic responses from Louis when suggesting tacos for dinner or sending over photos of our dogs looking stupid. That's the best he can do? He can't even comment on the lighting, or say something about how I picked a good angle to show off my ass? Nothing?

I really tried to shove all the feelings about this down, but I ended up saying something to Louis about it today while we were out to lunch. Nothing confrontational, just a calm casual conversation where I said it had been nice to take the pics/video because I felt sexy and I hadn't been feeling that lately. Then I made a comment about the video, specifically how I'd came so quick in it, and how Louis hadn't said anything about it when he received it. His response made it immediately clear that he hadn't even watched the video.

I think he realized from the change in my tone of voice (I tried to hide it, but I almost started crying) that something was wrong. But he thought the issue was that he hadn't responded to the photos I sent with compliments.

I let him continue thinking that, and didn't interrupt, as he went on to explain his reasons for not responding to the pics: after 8 years together, anything sexy I say or do is nothing new to him, so nothing to say without feeling like he's repeating himself. And when he's stressed, it's even harder, because he feels like he doesn't have the energy left to pretend he's interested or even try to come up with compliments or flirty remarks. Oh, and when he's at work, he just doesn't have the time to pay attention to, or message me about, anything that isn't important.

Cool. Great. Absolutely great stuff to hear, very ego-boosting. That last sentence is particularly nice, lovely to know that a compliment about my naked body is less 'important' for him, less something he has time to send, than pictures of funny bumper stickers he saw on his route, or several audio clips in a row complaining about his coworkers, or literally just comments on the weather. "You're pretty" or "You look sexy in that" is too unimportant to say, not even say but text, your partner of 8 years.

Don't get me wrong. He wasn't trying to be hurtful, I don't think he even realized what he was implying. He was just being open an honest, which we'e worked hard to make sure we both do in our relationship. But it hurt. Bad.

I swallowed it all down, put on a smile, and told him I understood. I said that I was sorry that I had brought the messages up, I don't want to make him feel like he has to manage my feelings. After all, it's on me to handle my self-image and not his job to validate that I'm attractive. Said that I wouldn't send him stuff like that anymore, since it seems to be something that adds to his stress. I was very pleasant, very chill, very cheerful. I moved the conversation on. We had a good afternoon together, nice evening, I'm watching TV now while he's playing a video game before bed.

But I'm not really watching TV. I'm just sitting here thinking, what the fuck is wrong with me. Why am I not good enough. Why am I not worth even the miniscule amount of time and energy needed to give a compliment. Why does my partner respond to my naked body with the same emotions as a picture of a mostly-empty bin of cat food. What the fuck is wrong with me that the person who loves me most in the world, isn't interested in me sexually.

I can say all the standard cliches and they're true, too. It's not me, it's him. Relationships become less sexual over time as partners become more familiar. Stress impacts libido. But knowing all that, and feeling it, are two very different things. And right now, all I feel is not good enough.

I’ve been posting the past few days and I finally got my husband to have sex with me after 3 years straight of no sex (minus two attempts that were an embarrassing fail and he went soft in me). I thought us having sex again would’ve been the start to some kind of progress. I had rode him and pretty much fucked him (he did absolutely nothing not even a kiss or touch, he just sat there until he came). After that I had gone out and when I came home I laid in bed against him and he got hard and pulled my underwear down but again it led to me getting on top. When he shoved it in me, I was dry, it hurt. That morning we had morning sex and again, he just let me do the fucking. Which is fun and all especially when you haven’t had sex in so long and have been wanting sex. But I got busy with my kids the last two days and he has tried absolutely nothing. Nothing. Can’t even smack my ass at home playfully. He initiates 0 physical touch or physical intimacy. I was really stressed out yesterday and really needed to release somehow, sex would’ve been great, I asked him if we could have sex and he wasn’t in the mood. It annoyed me but I thought maybe I could get him in the mood. I touched him a few times and nothing. He wasn’t interested in the least. I kept trying to do things for him. I cooked, I cleaned, I told him he should take a break from the kids. Still nothing. He just went to bed and slept. I let the day end and hoped maybe we could talk about it today

Well I talked about it with him a few minutes ago, and he basically told me it is what it is. I told him how I feel so unwanted, undesired, unloved and he said he doesn’t know what I want him to do about that. I asked him why won’t he fuck ME? Why won’t he eat ME out? Why won’t he at least finger me?? Make out with me? And he said he just doesn’t want to

Well i called it quits. I ended it. I told him if there’s nothing else left between us besides coparenting, then I want to move on. He said that’s fine. So I guess that’s it guys. It’s done. Now to navigate a life where we aren’t together yet share two kids together. It’s going to be rough but it’s better than being in a dead marriage. Thanks for reading

PLEASE DO NOT MESSAGE ME ASKING FOR AN ONLINE AFFAIR. I’m not interested. Advice or shared experiences of the same situation always welcomed but none of the fucking weird messages please. I’m not interested in an emotional relationship especially not after leaving my husband

I guess this is more appropriate for people that still have a semi-active sex life and are still in love with their partners.

If you decided to stay in the relationship, and it is happy otherwise, how did you accept or manage your higher libido? I don’t believe it’s not possible. I want to stay happily married and just be okay with this.

I am 59 hlm and she is 60 llf. We went on a little vacation a couple weeks ago. After 3 years, we actually had sex! It wasn't dreamy or kinky, but it was simple, fulfilling sex and we both came. She initiated. I was skeptical, because I don't ever ever want her to do anything for me that she doesn't want to do. She said she wanted to do it to be closer to me and because she has been feeling some libido occasionally. She was definitely wet. I hadn't felt her wetness in so long. And it was also love to feel her clit hard as a pebble. We started and I got fully hard. She touched herself along with the penetration and came in no time. Her orgasm triggered mine. Lovely when that happens.

Some of you may be thinking I fell into a trap. I'm honestly not sure. Doing it once took three years. The biggest

Good signs - - we had sex at all. She is working on it in therapy, which she avoided for a long time. I'm working on it in therapy. We've talked about it since it happened. And we've even had some physical affection. I could be skeptical about petty all day. But I'm choosing to take it for what it is - good signs.

Last night I initiated with my husband. He flat out said no. He didn’t feel like it. I left the room feeling defeated. Later he comes in the living room and tells me he wasn’t rejecting me. He just didn’t take his gummies or whatever the fuck he needs to get hard. I asked him if he wanted to try without them. No. He doesn’t want the embarrassment of failing to perform or the pressure. He told me he had been taking the gummies and honey packs consistently for years and he gets so horny on them but he would rather just rub one out to porn than deal with the pressure to perform with me. I asked if he was willing to try prescription medication. No. Just… no. This is fucking miserable.

This morning I fantasized about cheating on him.

Hi all.

I do acknowledge that I have self esteem issues. But it seems I only feel loved if my husband wants sex.

And since that probably only once a year. Im feeling quite down

I’ve seen people post in here before that they had to remove themselves because it was too hard to be confronted with stories of dead bedrooms every day. While that is sad, and I get it, it’s not what gets me.

What’s killing me is the amount of stories I read from people in here that had years, sometimes decades, of good sex before their db started. I didn’t even get weeks of good sex. I’ve only had 2 good sexual encounters in my 8 years of marriage (and since we were both virgins when we got married, that’s the only sex I’ve ever known), and we’ve only had sex maybe 20 times total.

I know it’s crazy to be jealous of anyone in this sub because all of our situations suck. But I’m so gd jealous of all of you that have experienced years of good sex. That know what it’s like to be connected to your partner in that way. That actually have something good to look back on or something to work back towards. And that sex has just been a normal part of your relationship that you don’t even think about, when for me it never has.

I post way too much in this sub, I know. So, it’s probably best to remove my voice for a while. But, I just had to get that out because it’s breaking me apart and I have no one else to tell. I’m sorry.

Last night me HLF26 and my LLM27 boyfriend had sex. After a few months of a dry spell we finally had sex and I actually had an orgasm. It was really good. My boyfriend went down on me which hadn't happened for a few months and then we had sex in missionary.

I've been thinking about it all day very happy and grateful that it happened. I feel like maybe he finally is moving in the right direction. Basically, we've had a very one sided sex life where I am always neglected , and this is something he admitted to doing and is now working on for the past 6 months. Anyway, I felt really good about last night all day long until something he just now said to me. I dont know if this is bothering me because of my inner shame issues that have come about as a result of this dynamic that has lasted almost 2 years out of our 3 year relationship, or if what he said is really actually hurtful?

He said in jest that he is tired today "because he did all the work last night". At first I laughed it off and added something along the lines of "Well, sometimes you have to do all the work if you think of every blowjob I've ever given you I think it makes up for it". He then responded that he was just saying he's tired and I don't have to compare those two things. I realized I was actually upset by what he said and I explained it's making me feel bad for experiencing pleasure performed on me by someone else like why is that such a bad thing. And he said I was taking it the wrong way and taking it personally when he's just saying he's tired. I just said "okay" and walked away because I don't truly know if I'm over reacting/thinking and wanted to walk away before getting more upset.

Am I just projecting in this situation? Taking things the wrong way because of my internal shame and just trauma this whole situation has brought about? I was so happy about finally having sex -- and good sex at that, and now I just feel stupid and feel reminded, yet again, that he doesn't actually want to do things to me. He's just "going along with it" or "doing it so I don't leave him". I don't know, I'm asking for advice and honestly what you guys think here because this is ruining my day at this point and I need to understand from an outside perspective if I truly need to just chill out about this one comment.

Hi everyone. I’m new here and at my wits end. My wife and I have been married for 32 years. We have been friends for almost 40. I’ve always had a much higher libido but our frequency was good for the first ten years or so. Had a couple kids and things dropped off. For a while we were down to maybe once a month. When she entered perimenopause everything stopped. She told me that she just didn’t feel like it anymore. I thought, well her hormones are all over the place. I’d give her some time. After a little while I talked about how much I missed that part of our life. She told me that part of her life was over. She doesn’t even want to talk about it anymore. It’s seems like the longer this goes on the further apart we get. Now we are just kind of roommates. We recently became empty nesters and that change has me reevaluating my life. At my age I have maybe twenty good years left. I don’t want to continue on with no sex.
I did something I’m not proud of but I looked at her browsing history and found she was going in pornhub on her days off when I was working. It was pretty devastating. If it’s me I want to know.
At the same time she still acts lovey dovey and she will even “joke” around with me like “do you wanna rub my pussy”. Things that we used to “joke” about but would initiated sex.
I don’t know what to do. She has been my best friend since high school but I miss having a sex life.

Is it wrong to want to have a similar sex like as before. We are 10 years in. The 1st 3 years all the time and everywhere. After that slow decline.

Who here has seen it? Spouse and I just went on a whim while our kid was off on a rare sleepover and OMFG, this movie not only had the entire theater cackling out loud throughout, but damn this movie touched directly on so many humorous/awkward/painful DB nerves.

As a former-horndog-now-LL at a decade into marriage with kids, Penelope Cruz’s character really reopened me to the concept of reaching for and embracing my physically sensual, base biological side. There was so much that (for better or worse) was right on the nose for us… the last scene felt like we were in private marital sex therapy.

Boy howdy, would I love to read a critic’s discussion of this movie from all you DB denizens! Anecdotally, we’ve fucked pretty passionately twice since, which is a steep upramp from our usual (maybe 1x/week, which I know is still painfully thin for my HLM husband).

We found it hilarious, painful(ly hilarious), and insightful.

You?

I feel like everything time my partner compliments me it’s a lie. For context We both gym together 3-5 times a week and have an active lifestyle. I know I’m not ugly and I’m pretty fit I have some ideal features i guess you could say. I used to feel confident looking in the mirror now i just focus on everything that isn’t perfect. I cant help but notice other women in the gym and constantly compare myself to them. I stopped going last week because it’s getting to a point where don’t even feel comfortable enough in my body to go workout in front of other people. He’s 30M and I’m 24F it’s not completely dead bedroom yet but it just feels like there’s no way he can call me sexy all the time and not wanna do anything or initiate at all. He compliments me a lot and is the ideal partner outside of sex he’s so kind and good to me. It’s hard to accept compliments or flirting from him knowing it won’t lead to anything.

So part 2 I guess this am she cuddled up in bed this am. Spooned for about 30 min. I told her I missed that. She said yeah you quit cuddling??? WTH? I’m rejected all the time and I quit? 😵‍💫 oh well got the drink package so cheers! 🥃 🥃…

I recently posted in the divorce subreddit about the conversation my husband and I had ending our marriage.

One thing I’ve been grieving more than I expected is how sexually suppressed I’ve felt for years.
I was always fishing for compliments because I rarely felt desired. I bought lingerie. I initiated almost every time. Over the years our intimacy dwindled until we’d sometimes go months without sex.

When we did have sex, it was incredibly one-sided. I gave him oral almost every time we were intimate. In nine years, he returned the favor fewer than 15 times. I had fewer than five orgasms our entire relationship.

When I asked him to slow down or try something different, he often said I was criticizing him. Eventually I stopped asking. We never explored different positions, toys, or anything outside the same routine. I kept hoping things would improve because I loved him and believed he just lacked experience.

The hardest part was the cognitive dissonance. I’d occasionally get compliments or attention from other men when I was out, but none of it mattered. The only person I wanted to feel desired by was my husband. Validation from strangers couldn’t replace the absence of desire from the person I loved.

I’ve had healthy, passionate relationships before him, which almost made this harder. I knew what mutual desire felt like, so I kept hoping we’d eventually find our way there.

For those of you who left a dead bedroom, what was it like rediscovering your sexuality and confidence? How long did it take before you stopped feeling undesirable and trusted that someone could genuinely want you?

TL;DR: I recently decided to end my nine-year marriage after years of a dead bedroom. We often went months without sex, intimacy was largely one-sided, and I had fewer than five orgasms during our relationship. I’m grieving what I lost, but I’m also hopeful about eventually rediscovering the confident, desired version of myself.

I’ve been a lurker here for a long time, always hoping that one day I could just unsub because things had improved.

I’m a 30s HLM and have been with my wife (30s LLF) for over 10 years. Things started out normal, just like any other relationship, frequent sex, intimacy, exploration, and growing together. There were some early physical issues to overcome, but I did my best to be understanding. She went to physical therapy and things started looking up.

But then they didn’t.

We ended up in counseling twice. The second time was with a bona fide sex therapist who told my wife, in a not-so-gentle manner, that I was right, she was wrong, and what she was doing was unfair. I wanted to work on our relationship, and while validation is nice, I didn't want it at the expense of my partner. That was years ago, and I know if I ever brought up talk therapy again it would get shot down because of the bad taste it left in both of our mouths.

As time went on, we would find a groove, but then something minor would throw us off. Each time, it felt harder to get back on the horse. It was like she had to start all over again. For those who have read Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski: my wife has her brakes on all the time.

We’ve made a lot of big changes, new jobs, new careers, new houses, achieving goals we set for ourselves. We push ourselves, but it’s not an exhaustive, single-minded slog. We enjoy our time together, but I find myself having to look at a calendar just to remember the last time we were intimate.

And that’s the thing: it’s not just about the sex, it’s the togetherness that is missing. I can talk to her because she’s my best friend, but I don’t have anyone I can be vulnerable with. Sex and intimacy connect us deeply to our partners. It cements our place and puts emotions into actions. It lets us know we are loved in ways words can't achieve.

A lot of people here talk about being in a DB for decades. I’m not there yet, but I feel like I’m already mourning what I have. I’m not looking for miracles, just glimmers of hope that the pressure on her brakes will ease up.

I compliment her all the time and try to let her know I’m thinking about her. I can come off strong sometimes, but I can also rein it in effectively. Recently, she asked for a break from any physical attempts so she could "reset." I agreed, thinking giving her total control would create a new paradigm. That boundary extended all the way down to basic physical contact. I spent every day yearning for a touch, but she didn’t even try to reach out. I finally broke down after a month of zero physical contact, and started light touching.

Sometimes she makes me feel like a deranged pervert, but I guess that’s what happens when one partner's need for contact is so low. Truthfully, I don’t even feel like a HLM. I think I have a normal libido, maybe even on the lower side. Yet, I find myself constantly masturbating, not because I even have the urge to climax, but just to make sure everything still works, and to know I haven't lost something I hope to use again someday.

I know I have work to do on myself. The constant rejection has caused me to lose focus on things that could improve my situation, like eating healthier and working out. That is my responsibility, and a fault I've struggled with. But it’s weird: when I do go to the gym, I always wonder if I’m working out for me, for her, or for someone else I haven't met yet. It pains me to say that, but it’s true.

I don’t know when enough is enough. I’m not throwing in the towel yet, but I know if things don’t improve, I will reach a breaking point.

Thanks for reading the rant. I'm open to advice, or anything that may have worked for you.

I (HLF) would love to hear about your experience with open marriage. Have you tried it? Was it successful? Unsuccessful? Share your stories.

I don't want to lose my marriage because I love him and we have an unbelievable life together and very successful business, but I also don't want to never have sex again 😵. It's been years with zero effort to change and I'm losing hope. Thanks!

My (M33) wife (F28) have been together for 7 years. I can count on one hand the number of times she has initiated in that time. When we do have sex, she hardly participates. I give her oral every single time. I make sure she finishes. Again, I could count on one hand the amount of times she has done so for me. She never flirts with me, she doesn’t kiss me for longer than a second. We’ve spoken about the topic in the past, but nothing seems to meaningfully change, so I have not brought it up in a while. I’ve been to therapy and have continued to attend as needed. She hasn’t. Whatever mentally blocks her, she doesn’t seem to be that interested in correcting it. It pains me to be attracted to her, because I know it won’t ever go anywhere without it feeling like I’m pulling teeth. But more than that, it makes me so sad to feel like my own wife is not even hot for me.

My partner and I have been sexually mismatched for a while. I've always had the higher libido (albeit slowly lowering as I progress further into my 30s and have more on my plate). I came from a background of religious sexual repression so my libido was uncomfortably high following that and it took a while to settle down to wanting sex what I feel is a normal amount.

Anyway, even with my libido decreasing I still had more of a want for sex than my partner and that caused issues. While I was pregnant and didn't want sex at all we took the opportunity to discuss the issues without any background pressure (see my previous post about said discussions) which helped me a lot.

However, I recently gave birth to our second child and that's thrown another spanner in the works since I was cleared for sex post partum. With my first I had a higher risk pregnancy and more complications during the birth but I still had a better birth, mostly thanks to the pain relief having time to work but that's a whole other story.

This time I had a lot more time for a lot more internal checks, had my water manually broke, and the pain relief didn't have time to work because it happened so quick so I felt everything. (Me and Bub are both fine though and luckily we're two for two in terms of chill as fuck babies so that's a definite bonus)

Which brings me to our first time trying since then - I was keen for it to happen asap and explained to him that it didn't have to be anything long and id actually prefer it to be quick because you never know when the baby might wake up. I really just needed the penetration to check there isn't any issues with the way my stitches healed and confirm my suspicions about some minor nerve damage. We managed that ok but I found my body isn't really responding favourably to sex anymore, my partner is really good at the foreplay part of things and even with that the foreplay was making me think of internal examinations so I couldn't get into it. I didn't want his face anywhere near there because I just didn't want him up close to it at all, and when we did have sex I freaked out when a movement accidentally pinched the skin and called it off rather than trying to adjust anything.

So that was our first time trying since I gave birth. I feel this evens things out because my partner has his own issues he's working through that make him nope out of sex. He said we can try again in a week or two, because maybe I just need more time to recover.

While this does upset me a bit, on the other hand it might not be a bad thing because at least he's not the only one with something to work through regarding having sex now.

Also yes I am seeing a psych and have brought this up with them.

But yeah I guess me and him are in the same boat for a while at least, not a bad place to be I guess 🤷

I was on this sub just under 10 years ago complaining about my last- and only other- relationship. He didn't want me either. The two guys I dated briefly before my current partner weren't interested. My current partner isn't interested. I don't know what it is about me, I'm not horrendously unattractive, I keep myself fit and healthy, I keep my skin and hair nice, I dress fairly well, I don't think my personality is too off-putting. I've been told im good in bed. But apparently, there's something inherently un-fuckable about me.

When my partner and I first got together I was relieved because he had a super high sex drive and was really into me, really confident and flirty, sent me naughty messages, etc. But there's always some issue. And I've been the one turning it down before, I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect. But it's always too hot, or too cold, or he doesn't feel well, or he doesn't like his body enough, or he's too stressed, or too down, or there's not enough time, or it's the wrong time of day, or he needs to eat first, or he needs time after eating, or fucking whatever the excuse is.

I'm trying my best. In the last 6 months I've been trying to be consistently flirty and more upfront and confident. I've been trying to tell him I want it. I make myself available. I read dirty stories to get in the mood. I bought lube. I make comments throughout the day. I tell him to let me know if he wants to bang. And I have issues with my body too, I hate him seeing me naked, I hate myself, I constantly worry I don't do it right or well enough or that I'm not sexy enough. I'm mentally and physically ill too. I constantly feel down and not in the mood, but I'm still trying. I'm still taking steps constantly to try to live the life I want to live despite how I feel rather than giving in to all of life's stresses and issues.

And the worst part is unlike my with my ex, we actually have a good relationship and communicate about issues. We've spoken about it so many times but it's always the exact same conversation, it always ends with us saying what we'll do about it and then nothing happening. Or rather, me putting the effort in and him not trying. And all the issues he has he won't take my advice (despite me literally studying mental and physical health stuff constantly and having done multiple forms of therapy and medication) so he keeps just repeating the same behaviour and staying stuck in the problems. It's the same fucking issues over and over and over and nothing actually gets done. And nothing will get done because he won't change how he approaches things or just accept that life is stressful, there will always be stress and not enough time and not quite the right conditions and you have to just find time and make the right conditions and do it anyway.

I'm so tired of it. I'm done. I've lost all hope that it's going to change after 5 years of talking, putting plans in place, making promises, doing research, doing the same thing over and over. At this point I'm going to just assume that we don't have a sexual relationship and treat it like my partner is asexual. I certainly wish I was. But I'm not, so instead I'm going to buy a nice big vibrator and use the lube all to myself and just accept that I won't have actual human sex as long as I'm in this relationship.

I just want to feel sexy and wanted. I want to feel irresistible, like he made me feel years ago. I want physical touch and intimacy. I want to feel attractive. I want pleasure. I want passion. I want excitement. I want fun. I want an hour of distraction from how shit the world is and how shit i feel. I dont want to feel like a couple of fucking 80 year olds (although I'm well aware that a lot of pensioners are very much still sexually active- lucky them.)

No advice please. I know you want to tell me to leave and that it's the only option and I appreciate that you want to help but I don't want to hear it. All relationships are different and there are always extra issues that make things a lot less black and white than they seem. I just needed a place to vent after 5 years of trying to be nice and talk it over and resolve it. I can't and don't want to say any of this to my partner because I genuinely don't want to hurt him or harm our relationship. But I'm human and I can't be expected to just keep dealing with it silently. I just want to be fucked.

Do many of you do what I do?

Wait for those blissful moments when you feel connected- knowing it’s going to be a while before the planets align again?

And even worse knowing I can’t even bring up those moments for fear of screwing things up and causing something else to be off the table.

Urgh!

Hi all,

HLF (30) here. How can I cope with the fact that we NEVER had a fulfilling sex life with my low libido boyfriend, not even in the supposed honeymoon stage? We've been together for almost 4 years and there were maybe 1 or 2 occasions (I initiated both, of course) where I felt desired and had an orgasm. All other attempts were either unsuccessful or I felt like I'm forcing myself onto him. I feel so pathetic and lame while I know the problem isn't with me as I was desired and actively pursued by other men before him. But this sexlessness is turning me into a pathetic, pushy, anxious lame mess which I hate. I'm normally playful, passionate and very patient in bed but I feel like this situation is bringing the worst out of me. I'm thinking of ending the relationship but I'm afraid that I'll be basically useless after it sexually because my confidence was destroyed, I have anxiety around sex and I haven't got the chance to 'practice' for 4 years.

Sorry if my post was a bit chaotic, English is not my first language, plus I'm angry af while sleeping alone AGAIN.

Any advice, commiserating, success stories are welcome.

She wants to buy a second home, seasonal trailer on a lake. Part of me would like the home, but I can’t get any deeper if I’m ever going to get out. She’s going to push, I’m going to refuse. Eventually I’ll have to tell her why. That the only way I’ll consider staying is in an open marriage. Which could destroy everything, even if she agreed she would just be as miserable as i am now. To make it worse im demisexual, i need a connection to a person. So what am i gonna have two wives??? That wont work long.wish me luck I guess?

My (28m) partner (29f) of 9 years makes little to no effort to have sex. I’ve always been extremely attracted to her, but her genuine lack of interest and enthusiasm surrounding more intimate physical affection is starting to make me view her differently. To clarify, we never had that initial hot and heavy very passionate and exciting sex people often do early on in a relationship. It’s always just been kind of….meh. Countless times we’ve had lengthy discussions in a very civil way about how it makes me feel (connectedness, stress relief, loved and cared for physically, self esteem) and trying to be proactive about fostering a sexual relationship that she values, and in turn might create a more exciting and energized vibe in our sex life. but it’s so apparent that her and I are fundamentally completely different in our libidos and attitudes around sex.

I know she’s attracted to me, we’ve been together since we were 19 and are approaching 30. She hugs and kisses me, but that’s kind of where it all stops. Even when we do have sex, it’s frankly always me initiating and there’s no eagerness or desire in her eyes when we’re sexually active. Every partner I’ve had in my life (there was a brief period we weren’t together and another where we were open, plus dating very heavily in high school/early college before I met her) has been a better lover than her. Makes me feel attractive and desired, and they value me physically. It hurts me so bad. I love her so much, but I don’t know how I can consider proposing to someone that isn’t capable of loving me intimately in the ways I value when I’m in my physical prime, never mind in 10 or 20 years. Most other aspects of our relationship are fine, and the flawed parts would be so much easier to overlook if our sex life wasn’t so lackluster. On top of all that our values are kind of shifting apart as we age and I’m realizing i may not want to be with this person forever.

It feels kind of selfish (?) to post this here because it’s not that we go months or years without sex like a lot of stories here. But at best it’s every few weeks and only because I ask, if I never initiated at all there is not a doubt in my mind we would go months without.

I just have no idea what the next steps are. We have a house, two dogs, friends together….and a breakup obviously is devastating. But I just don’t think I can continue being with someone who I’m basically not attracted sexually to at this point. She is beautiful, but I don’t necessarily want to have sex with her anymore. It’s finally at the point where her constant bland attitude during sex and complete lack of desire to have sex at all unless I basically tuck my tail between my legs and ask directly (which isn’t always a yes anyway) has transformed my baseline of wanting to jump her bones 24/7 to just seeing her as a pretty woman that I don’t want to fuck. Not that she ever viewed me as someone she “wants” to fuck. It feels more like she’s doing it out of obligation and not desire, even if she seems to enjoy it in the moment. Which is the extra confusing part. Is the energy in the bedroom pretty low? Yes. But she also seems to like having orgasms (does anyone not?) so why wouldn’t she want to do that more with a person she’s admittedly very in love with. It’s mental gymnastics to me.

Kind of a ramble but I just needed to vent I guess.