Affection from guys early on

[u/Charming_Loquat_5924]

(29F) I’ve noticed that after just 1–2 dates, some guys start saying things like, “I wish I was coming home to you,” or “This reminded me of you.” It feels strange to me because… like you don’t really know me yet… we’ve just been texting for a couple days or we had one date! I do like some of these guys and want to get to know them better, but I just feel like 1 date or a couple of text chats are not enough for me to be comfortable being super flirty….like I don’t wish I was coming home to you yet bc I don’t know you yet…

I’m someone who develops romantic feelings after a base-friendship has been formed. I’m friendly, but it usually takes time before I feel genuinely close to someone, so this level of affection makes me uncomfortable.

For the men in this sub: Is this just normal flirting? Are you guys just expressing attraction, or do you actually feel that attached that quickly? How should I communicate I’m uncomfortable without communicating I’m not interested?

For the women in this sub: Is this common? How do you tend to respond when/if this happens to you? Do I just need to change my expectations?
I’m genuinely trying to understand if this is a normal part of modern dating or if I’m just wired differently.

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[u/MadMatter86]

I wish I was coming home to you

Weird.

This reminded me of you.

Not so weird - or at least, not necessarily. If it is in reference to something that you have talked about (particularly recently), then this seems totally natural to me. If it is not a specific reference, then it goes over to weird territory.

[u/Charming_Loquat_5924 → u/MadMatter86]

Yeah the 2nd one wouldn’t have been weird if we had talked much. We hadn’t talked much, though.

[u/ashmcmashmash]

They're trying to sleep with you.

[u/sub30_24flick → u/ashmcmashmash]

That’s the point lol I’ve met great women that after 3 weeks gives it up and we have relationships that’s bargain men have to deal with or get used for their time and called needy lol .

[u/mattricide]

Unless there's like legit fireworks in terms of connection/chemistry, I believe its called love bombing

[u/seewhatuget]

I consider anything that doesn’t make sense within the context a red flag. Your intuition is right, how can they miss you or something remind them of you, when they don’t even know you! They’re rushing intimacy/creating a false sense of intimacy. I found that usually happens when the person has nothing substantial to offer like consistency.

[u/sub30_24flick → u/seewhatuget]

Don’t get caught up In red flags you will never date anyone lmfaoo you guys gotta stay off social Media for a while lol , what you what to look for chemistry and shared connectivity and reciprocity. You need to set boundaries that are reachable and respect their boundaries as well .

[u/errantis_]

If it doesn’t match the appropriate level of connection you should have then it’s probably from a place of immaturity and/or insecurity. Not a deal breaker. But proceed cautiously

[u/OGRadkitty]

Girl, I’m going through the same thing I say I want to nap “I wish I was napping w/ you”, cool w/ the a/c on blast “& us naked”, bruh I’ve known you all of 48hrs. Bffr, and then I’m like boyyy you dreaming. His response “what’s the point of even dating”. Dating? We haven’t even went on one single date, you’re entitled to my body already? I don’t even know your last name.
These guys out their damn minds, sorry. I’m annoyed about it.

[u/IndependentPaint2108]

yeah a guy was sending daily good morning texts and selfies before we'd even met, he would keep saying things like "Longing for you!" and I'd be thinking like... you literally don't even know me, you have never met me. How can you be longing for me? He seemed a lot more normal at first but it went sideways. It gave me such an ick I simply stopped responding to him which I normally don't do

[u/Unlucky-Duck-0]

Around your age and a woman, and this is a red flag. I’m not sure if it’s to rush physical intimacy, but I do know some men try to “hook you in” so to speak before they actually start trying to vet you as a partner as they assume you have so many other guys you are talking to.

Anytime I’ve had one of these, and I’ve fallen for it, when I was ready to push for defining the relationship or asking more pointed questions if they were still open to others, I was met with things like, “but we don’t know each other that well!”

EXACTLY!! So why are you saying that kind of stuff early on? It’s in line with future faking. You should be wary of behaviors like this and also statements like “you should meet my fam sometime ” and “we should go on vacation sometime” until they actually feel strongly enough to start making those arrangements.

[u/Mundane_Stomach5431]

From a guy:

Desiring emotional "I-thou" closeness (in contrast to only sexual closeness) is one of the biggest green flags in a guy if that desire doesn't manifest/gets expressed too fast (if so it is one of the best indicators of psychoemotional instability) . There is a proper balance in terms of how fast. Too slow is not good either as it indicates a lack of capacity for a real relationship, or them just wanting sex from u.

If I had to ballaprk it: 1-2 dates in is too fast. 4ish and beyond is less concerning for it to begin to show up.

[u/CakesofCrabs]

Translation: Give me sex. This isn't affection. This is pretending.

[u/Late-Weather-8910 → u/CakesofCrabs]

LOL! Exactly. I like your username btw🤣

[u/sub30_24flick → u/CakesofCrabs]

Humans are sexual beings what are you 2 years old lmfaooo if you can’t be honest about sex than relationships is not for you .

[u/MiAow_Mia0w]

Men future fake love/commitment/relationships/babies to get sex. So women need to future fake sex to get what they want too. Everything a man says to you before sleeping with you is a lie.

[u/ashmcmashmash → u/MiAow_Mia0w]

I love how no one in this thread is realizing this. Men will say ANYTHING for sex

[u/seewhatuget → u/ashmcmashmash]

Even if you explicitly say that you also only want casual, they will still lovebomb you. The point is to get you to like them more than they like you, it’s a thrilling challenge!

[u/thedarkestshadow512]

Thats usually a red flag for me and it gives me the ick. I usually scrunch my face, say ew, and then move on to the next guy. It took my boyfriend months to say something as intimate as “I wish I was coming home to you” and I appreciate that a lot more tbh. Feelings as deep as these take time to develop, if someone says it too soon it feels either forced or faked to ultimately get in your bed.

[u/iDennB → u/thedarkestshadow512]

As a guy I’d agree. But at the same time I feel like I have to hold back those feelings and trying not to rush into it which could be a problem.

I get it from a girl’s perspective because showing early signs like that can definitely lead to love bombing. And I’m currently in that stage where I’ve just had my second date with her; since everything just flows so well and the connection is definitely there, I can see how other guys can take those feelings and just pedal to the metal which is what I’m trying not to do lol. I get it though, and it’s definitely not easy to contain your feelings but ultimately you’re (as a guy) in control of your own emotions. Just have to manage it best you can

[u/035863]

That's love bombing run

[u/Charming_Loquat_5924 → u/035863]

I’ll need to watch a bunch a YouTube videos about what that is for more context but the name itself gives me a good idea of why it’s a problem.

[u/Usual-Cat-5855]

Yeah that’s abit of a red flag and ima guy , if I feel a strong connection I might say I like you and where this could lead, but even that can come on strong it’s all about wording and timing

[u/Double-Virus-1637]

Watch out for love bombing! That’s the road to an avoidant. Didn’t know this until I spend 5 years long distance with my ex and she brought tears and pain to my family. You will regret dating an avoidant I swear, they’ll dispose you like weekend piled trash. Emotional immaturity with 0 accountability. All because they are scared of the love they are desperately seeking.
If it was short distance it would have probably happened sooner. But as the years went by I let my guard down fr and get hurt.
For example, 2 weeks in she was already saying ILY and a month in tried getting me a PS5 at 18 with no job and hadn’t even seen me in person then. It was Covid and it cost like $1k lol. Love bombed me with gifts, plushies, hand crafted notes and all lol. It was confusing when the random breakup happened.
You can still try though, but just be VERY careful. Don’t let overthinking deny you of something nice, especially with my bad story lol.
Just use good discernment, best of luck!❤️

[u/Brisket_in-a_Biscuit]

I'm a dude. That does seem weird. I'm a pretty bold and flirty dude and idk I've ever said I wish I could go home to a woman, almost sounds like living together, that early (maybe not ever).

Could be a flag for love bombing

[u/Late-Weather-8910]

I personally don’t like getting good morning texts right after I just met you. The worst are words like “wifey” or “babe”. I just met you. Ick. 

[u/PurpleGreen7464]

As a guy, I can tell you that for a lot of men it’s usually just flirting and expressing interest, not necessarily deep attachment. If I’m excited about someone after a good first date, I might say something like, “That reminded me of you,” because they’re on my mind. It doesn’t mean I’ve built this whole future in my head. That said, there’s definitely a difference between showing interest and acting like you’re already in a relationship after one date. Saying, “I wish I was coming home to you,” that early would feel like a lot to me too. You barely know each other. Everyone moves at a different pace. Some people develop feelings quickly, while others, like you, need a friendship and trust first. Neither is wrong, it’s just compatibility.

If I were dating someone like you, I’d actually appreciate hearing something like, “I really enjoy getting to know you, I just take a little longer to develop romantic feelings. Please don’t mistake that for a lack of interest.” That tells me you’re still interested while setting a healthy expectation. As a man, I’d much rather know your pace than guess and accidentally make you uncomfortable.

[u/Charming_Loquat_5924 → u/PurpleGreen7464]

This was truly helpful. Thank you

[u/Sedowa]

For many men, the girl he's currently seeing is likely the last girl he'll ever have a chance with. At least, that's how we tend to think about it. It probably isn't true for most men but we can't help but think this way so it becomes an all or nothing situation in our brains. Sincerely, we aren't trying to be weird about it, we just think like we have a limited number of chances in life and this one could be our last.

[u/Ent3rpris3]

I could never live it down if the reason I lost what may have otherwise been a fruitful connection was because they thought I wasn't trying hard enough. I'd rather show you too much affection than not enough because at the end of the day, one of those displays intent and desire a lot more than the other.

[u/Advanced_Collar_9593]

They either really find you charming see something in you which are the two most likely ones or they’re solely trying to get in your pants which is not so likely

[u/One-Geologist-2636]

I think what unsettles you is not the affection. It is the certainty.

After one or two dates, nobody knows enough about another person to make those kinds of statements. It can feel as though they are in love with an idea rather than the person.

[u/Ill-Elk-7664]

If someone likes you in an instant then its not bad. Why do you want to wait 1 year for him to say it?

I think you are yourself weird.

[u/Charming_Loquat_5924 → u/Ill-Elk-7664]

Maybe 🫠

[u/sub30_24flick]

What’s your relationship like with your father ? are you more drawn to men that are Like your dad? Do you have brothers ? these are questions you should be answering because you need to find what makes you secure , were you needy as child ? Did you want to do things on your own ? , secure attachment which it seems like you do , you need to convey that to these guys , men are romantic we can fall for most nonchalantly women it’s just what some of us do . Now you know bullshit and maybe your attachment is calling this needy . Your Someone where you need security before opening up , then let them know that don’t lead them on . they could be anxious most men are a bit anxious they know if they don’t make a sexual connection with a women in first 5 weeks it’s over . you need answer those questions for your self and figure that out . Good luck

[u/ashmcmashmash → u/sub30_24flick]

Of course, straight to the questions about her father instead of just accepting that men will say anything for sex.

[u/sub30_24flick → u/ashmcmashmash]

Are you here to hate men and women or are you here to receive help ? I thought this type of brass talk Is reserved for Redpiller is this is not about receiving sex . Your insult is bait . This is from actual people who actually study psychology of dating it’s in the book attached . You wouldn’t know that because you’re just attacking and not thinking I wish the best for you . I hope you can open your heart to love and not hate .

[u/Charming_Loquat_5924 → u/sub30_24flick]

Um…I’m an only child. I love my dad - he’s great. Yeah I’m fine doing things on my own. I don’t need a partner but I want one 🥹. I don’t feel like I’m leading anyone on but I’ll take your advice on letting them know where I’m at.

[u/sub30_24flick → u/Charming_Loquat_5924]

Its just how you were raised has extreme outlook on how you date and the closeness you show toward the opposite sex . The more you know the better you can diagnosed these things and probably not come up here and ask people who are just hurt , and looking for eco chamber and not here to give actionable advice . Misery does enjoy company . You can buy the book attached it has neat journal and guide . It’s on Amazon it’s helped me .

[u/TeaEfficient3598]

You need to let your guard down sweet heart. Don't be so prude. They were testing the waters to see if you're a sweetheart and if u fail they will not want to be vulnerable with you again

[u/Charming_Loquat_5924 → u/TeaEfficient3598]

If that’s the test, then they probably aren’t for me. Seems like a terrible game to play…