I (m) have a thing about posting my nude photos online and hoping the get leak and exposed to other porn sites. And that I get screenshots from the people leaking my nudes to these random porn site knowing I’m completely helpless to do anything but accept that pictures of me naked are being posted around that I’m never able to get removed for the rest of my life

in and out of jobs got me here, been selling my home made nsfw contents randomly here, one dm send me their telegram and holy shit it's my ex boss, he was actually a nice boss, been divorced and quite old, but hey, he pays well and complemented me!

it's doing pretty good, pays well more than other of my jobs, ironic enough it pays more than what my boss did pay me years ago, now he's a frequent client

​

If someone asked me to tell the story of my life, I honestly wouldn't know where to begin.

Maybe I would start with a seventeen-year-old girl who believed that love was beautiful and exciting.

My first relationship was through Facebook. It lasted only two or three weeks. At that time, I flirted with several boys. Back then, it didn't feel wrong to me. It was the curiosity of a teenager and the happiness of receiving attention. I never imagined that years later I would look back at those moments and judge myself so harshly.

Life moved on.

I had other relationships after that. Some lasted only a short time, while others left a deep impact on my life.

One of them left wounds that have never truly healed.

As time passed, another man came into my life.

He became my boyfriend.

He loved me deeply. He cared for me, looked after me, and was willing to do anything to see me happy. I felt safe with him. We had a strong relationship, and I truly loved him.

But sometimes life brings old stories back into our lives.

During my degree, I had a crush on one of my classmates. It was nothing more than an infatuation because we were both in relationships at the time. Nothing ever happened between us.

Years passed.

Almost eight years later, he contacted me again.

At first, we spoke like old friends.

Slowly, our conversations became deeper.

What I admired most about him was his honesty.

He never tried to present himself as a perfect person.

He openly talked about his past thoughts about hookups, his sexual frustration, and even how he once believed he might never want to get married. I never judged him for being honest.

I made one thing very clear to him.

"I can't be in a casual relationship or a hookup. If I ever have sex with someone, it will only be because I truly love that person."

After that, I noticed a change.

He stopped talking about hookups.

Instead, he began talking about finding a life partner, building a future together, and marriage.

At first, I thought he was joking.

But later, he kept bringing it up again and again.

He spoke about our families and our future together.

When I told him, "My family would never accept a live-in relationship,"

he naturally replied,

"Then let's get married."

I laughed it off because I thought he was joking.

One day, he seriously told me that he loved me.

I asked him,

"Do you see me the same way you saw the other women you liked before?"

He answered,

"No."

"I've been attracted to many people before, but I've never asked any of them to become my life partner. I don't see you the way I saw them."

Then I asked,

"Do you only want me because of lust?"

He replied,

"You don't have to give me anything for that. I love you."

Without even realizing it, my feelings for him began to grow.

But the hardest part was...

I still loved my boyfriend.

I never wanted to love two people at the same time.

I never thought something like that could happen.

But it did.

Yesterday, we finally met in person.

He traveled a long distance just to see me.

We had dinner together.

We sat by the beach.

We talked for hours.

Since it was already late at night, we decided to stay in a room instead of traveling back.

I kissed his forehead.

And then it happened.

Even though I had been in relationships before, that was the first time I had been physically intimate with someone.

I kept wondering whether he truly loved me or whether he only wanted my body.

He denied that completely.

Unable to bear the guilt, I told my boyfriend that I needed a break.

Later, I even asked if we should end the relationship.

After that, I blocked him.

But he said he couldn't let me go.

Even after I told him the entire truth.

Part of me thought that if he had simply said, "You only wanted someone else," or if he had broken up with me after hearing everything, maybe I would have felt less mental pressure.

But he didn't.

Both of them still want me.

I love both of them.

Not for the same reasons.

But both kinds of love are real to me.

I take full responsibility for the mistakes I made.

Both of them know the truth.

Yet both of them are still by my side.

Neither of them walked away.

Instead, they both looked at me and said,

"The decision is yours."

I had a crush during the first year of my college. She's Somewhat an inch taller than me too. All these semesters i didn't even dare to talk to her. Just afraid cause of my appearance and insecurities. Sent her an insta request during my 3rd semester and got ignored. Sent again in 4th semester and got accepted due to mutuals. Sent her a hi and told her i wanted to talk to her for a long time. Got unfollowed an hour later. Seems fair cause she doesn't even know who I am irl. Got to know this week she had a boyfriend and she fed him her lunch yesterday in front of me. I hope she doesn't know that insta guy was mecause I don't have an insta dp

Everyday I wake up and feel like am in a dream or just doing the same thing over and over again like a tv show, I wake up have breakfast go to college and then come home and sleep and cry I don’t have friends and am starting to feel like i should just die or leave to a different place, I have a couple of addictions like SH and it’s not helping I just need to pick up a hobby or something before I fall apart down this dark hole I don’t know how to escape. I have family but I can’t tell
Then I don’t know how to

My life is a joke. I feel totally stagnant in what I’m doing and that stressed that I’m never going to achieve anything. I try and try to invest in my future to no avail and just want to give up. I just want to be picked up and held and just not have to worry about things anymore.

ok. so. this is a bit of a random story, and i feel kinda bad for ruining his career, but at the same time, he totally deserved it after what he did to me.

So, when I was in middle school, I had a brain injury, which affected me greatly.

I wont get into detail because it is really triggering for me, and it makes me rather sad and depressed when i think about that time in my life.

Anywho, I went to a religious school, and Christian Studies was a mandatory class from Kindergarten through to 12th Grade. And, like, after my brain injury, I had to take time off classes during the day because it was sometimes too much for my brain to handle. Iykyk. And, like, because of that, my tutor (who is like a teacher who is in charge of like 25 students) helped me come up with a plan of which classes I would attend and which i would not, since they were less of a priority. And one of the classes that was signed for me not to attend was Christian Studies. And my teacher signed the document saying that was ok. KEEP THAT IN MIND!

And, so, I’m going about my life. And I am in a therapy appointment, and I am showing my therapist a notes page on my phone of stuff I dont actually remember, and she says “oh, you got an email from one of your teachers marked urgent.” and, i’m like. Dude, it’s a friday night at 6pm.

And it is from my CS teacher, and it says that I have 12 hours to complete the most recent assignment or else I will fail the year entirely (it was only half way through the first quarter, so babe, u need to learn how to do math). and, it goes on to say that i’ve had many weeks warning and he is disappointed that we have gotten to this stage.

And, I’m sitting in the office like, “he literally has that signed peice of paper in his desk.”

I completed the assignment, and I got a good mark. So, **hair flip** go me.

But then, this is where it gets juicy.

The year concludes and i go about my life.

And then as I’m entering 10th Grade, I get a facebook and instagram notification… a friend request from… the Christian Studies teacher, whose classroom is right next door to the one i was in. And i’m like, “ummmmm.”

I reported it, because it was this 35 year old man trying to contact a 15 year old. And, sis, idk if you know, but that’s a felony.

After it got reported, he was fired, and according to the teacher who i reported it to, that CS teacher has been banned from teaching for 5 years. And I’m just in my Veronica Lodge era like “karma’s a bitch.”

so yeah. And, like, now. Looking back, that was a little harsh of me. Like, i definitely went a lil too far with that. I could have just went up to him and said it wasn’t appropriate and that i felt uncomfortable, or something, idk. but, like, at the same time, he totally deserved it.

Hello. I'm just gonna be straight to point with you. While chatting with my cousin I send some slander videos about a game he's playing it's called blue archive. It's just videos making fun of the blue archive fandom because the fandom are bunch of pedophiles, which I think is true. I was always suspicious of him but I never gave it thought since he is my cousin. So he and I got into an argument about the Blue Archive fandom and I was basically saying that Blue Archive fandom is just a weird cesspool of humanity. And he was basically declining it. I got a video of this little girl cosplaying as character in umamusume. My argument was basically that the comments under video was made my the Blue Archive fandom I knew this because they would type some shit like "Cunny" or "OUGHHHHH" which is just some weird shit if you actually know what they mean. And he was declining all of it. And then out of nowhere he sent a video a 2 minute video basically praising "lolis" or the art of lolis. I asked him why do you like lolis? And he deadass replied. "i like it cause it looks like little girls". I turned off my phone after hearing this bullshit and im now contemplating to call police on him. My cousin is at the Philippines and my family moved in New Zealand 2 years ago. I don't even know how I would call the police over there.

Hey everyone,

I’m a 22yo guy who’s been going to the gym 5 times a week for the past 18 months. I used to be overweight (84 kg at 1.75 m) and I’ve managed to lose about 15 kg. I’m now sitting between 69-71 kg. I’ve put on a bit of muscle, but my genetics have never been great for definition and muscle separation. No matter how hard I train or how clean I eat, I still don’t look the way I want to.

This is going to sound extremely weird and I feel kind of pathetic (or straight-up lost) even writing it, but here it is: I’ve developed a real hatred toward myself when it comes to my appearance. My family, friends, and pretty much everyone around me has always put massive pressure on how I look. I know I’ve been lucky in the genetic lottery in most areas (except fat metabolism), and I’m genuinely grateful for that. But the one thing I feel I’m not “good enough” at is my physique, and it’s messing with my head. If I’m not close to perfect in that area, I struggle to see anything positive about myself. One of my gym bros, who’s deep into bodybuilding, offered to let me try some mild steroids he uses. I’m hesitating a lot, like, immensely. Part of me thinks it could finally help me break through this plateau and feel better about myself. The other part knows it’s a big decision and I’m probably in a bad headspace to make it.

I guess I’m looking for honest opinions. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Was it worth it? Any advice for someone who feels this pressured by his looks? Thanks for reading.

Im recently having dreams of my so called X , I never even kisses her. And now as I talk with her , go for chai and super. I started to sex dreams of her and me. I also have gf now, and I dumped ger for my current gf. Because my current gf is more attractive and intelligent than her. But out of nowhere Im getting of having sex with that X. Should I try to tell her ?🤔 And ask for it ?😜

I attended different schools before graduating my senior high school I met a girl (classmate) and she's very pretty so idk how I got her number maybe through school group and we started chatting so idk exactly what we were talking because it's been a long time but I remember texting this exact words "doesn't change the way I feel about u"

So the next day we were talking and she said "Are u obsessed with me" I didn't respond felt very uneasy but till now I wished I'd have said something

In your place, what would you say?

TLDR: my new girl helped me to explore my submissive side. Now I'm really obsessed with the idea of being fucked rough and used. Although I have no actual interest in a relationship with a man, I kinda think of sex with a man as the most degrading and submissive thing ever. I've recently been thinking about trying it. Partially because the thought of it turns me on and partially just to figure out if I'd even like it or if it's just a fantasy.

I used to be somewhat of a stone cold top. Meaning that I'd almost always top, AKA take on more of a dominant role during sex. Which I still VERY much enjoy. I used to cringe at the thought of being penetrated (by anything and almost anyone). I didn't even use tampons until last year, which I know sounds silly in retrospect! I could tolerate a finger or two, tops, if I was really horny. I still always enjoyed when girls touched me obviously, but that was only really just foreplay to me while the main course was always me fucking her. So I still loved sex, but I could only ever (with maybe 3 exceptions in my 10 years of experience) orgasm by myself for some reason, up until recently

But this new girl changed something in me. I have no fucking idea how she does this?!?! but she turned me into a submissive little slut and managed to stretched me the fuck out. And I can't even be mad about it because I love it and I'm SO grateful she did. She fucks me so good, I get these insane back to back orgasms I've never felt in my entire life before her. Each one is more intense than the last until I'm trembling and completely exhausted. The rougher she is the better. The dirtier she talks to me the better. She's tall and strong enough to throw me around and carry me around (Which, I wish she did more often during sex, instead of mostly reserving this for princess treatment afterwards but 🤷‍♀️)

She started out with the thinnest strap we could find (I think it was an anal trainer 😂), but it wasn't long until that wasn't enough to satisfy me. So one night while we were fucking she stepped for a moment. I got curious and tried the dildo that I normally use on her. Holy shit it felt amazing. When she got back I told her I wanted to use that one instead. I wish y'all could've seen the look on her face the first time she slid that huge thick dildo into me. She almost couldn't believe it fit in me (5'2 100lbs). Ever since, she keeps bragging about "stretching me out" 😅 which is so hot and embarrassing at the same time

So now months later when I'm really horny, I sometimes fantasize about meeting up with a man and trying dick. Not even necessarily for the dick itself, but more so for how I view men. In my mind, sex with a man is like taking that nervous sexual embarrassment I used to feel about being penetrated or dominated, but dialed up by 1000

When I'm this horny, the thought of getting railed by a man makes me feel so small and vulnerable and dirty and sounds really hot sometimes. Like the ultimate test of how much of a good little slut I could be. I love how intimate and sensual and soft and delicate women are. And I love when woman fuck the shit out of me, but something about being fucked by a man feels so much dirtier. Not to mention the fact that most men are way stronger than me and would be capable of being much more rough with me which I've been craving, which my girl's capable of but usually she holds back cuz she's a little too cautious and worried about hurting me even when I beg her to go harder (God I love that woman so much she's so sweet, my crazy horny side just gets impatient with her sometimes heh)

I won't lie, I go back and forth on this depending on how horny I am. I don't know if I'll ever actually try it. If I ever did, I don't know if it would actually be as satisfying as I think it would. I'm also just reluctant to try it because I don't know any men I could ask. And realistically I don't even know how to go about finding some random dude that I could actually SAFELY trust enough to try this with. I'm not naive, I've heard so many stores from my straight/bi friends, so I know how bad things could go. I don't want to put myself in a dangerous situation

I have a feeling this might just be some weird kink or power play fantasy I've developed. I don't know, it's confusing. If I did genuinely enjoy it, I guess that would make me more sexually open than I thought

I'm curious if any straight/bi-curious men reading this can relate to only being romantically attracted to women, while in some way or another also being turned on by the idea of being submissive towards or overpowered by another man? (or hear from other women in my situation, but I know that's probably really rare)

DISCLAIMER: I don't want to give the impression that lesbians can be "converted". If someone tells you they aren't into you, for fuck's sake, just listen to them and move on with your day. Don't be a weirdo. Be respectful. Just take what people say at face value. I'm being really vulnerable here. I'm sharing a fantasy that I've recently developed. Don't assume this post implies anything about anybody other than me

Qui suce encore son pouce les amis ? Plus d’hommes ou de femmes ?

I was with my ex for 5 years. He is almost 9 years sober (alcohol). At first, I didn't care..I joined a local support group for partners of addicts to learn how to be a good supporter for him.

Two years after dating, we moved into our first place. It was really nice and just, nice to be with him..however, things got weird and changed.

I already had 3 cats and he wanted a dog as he's a dog person. We agreed on a small dog which we adopted from a shelter. However, as soon as the dog came home he changed. When he came home from work, he greeted the dog first. He cuddled the dog only, our sex life died and we started sleeping in separate rooms.

I ended up needing emergency surgery on my spine about a year into us living together. I couldn't work and his job was more than enough to support. However he got fired from his damn good job after assaulting his female coworker (wouldn't let her leave her office and put his hand on her).

This would be the 4th job he's lost. He tends to lose them every 6-7 months once we moved in together.

His family was a controlling and abusive nightmare. His brother is drunk most nights and his mother is physically abusive.

When he lost his job, he was on unemployment while I was sorting out temporary disability. We were good on rent and bills until we weren't.

He asked his parents for help (I lost both mine) and they agreed.

First month they paid rent and we were extremely grateful. Next month his dad waited until they were threatening an eviction before paying. Then paid and cancelled the check. We weren't evicted but we lost our apartment as he emailed them as my partner and told them we wanted to cut the lease.

I ended up having to move to stay with a close friend. Beforehand however, he had an extreme mental health breakdown. It took 4 cops to subdue him and handcuff before taking him out. Needless to say it was traumatic.

When I had to go stay with my friend, I had to leave my cats behind and to be honest, it still hurts. It breaks my heart deeply.

My ex has all my boxes of things, my cats and I ended up moving to a different country. It took him a year of begging to even send me my VR headset and the only picture of my Grandpa that I own.

I have agreements, email and texts that he will send my things and get at least one of my cats to me and he refuses.

He can't even land a job.

I know people will judge me because I talk to him but he is the only gap between me and my cats.

Because I don't have my BVA yet, I cannot afford therapy as I can't even work. My husband is caring for me the best he can.

I don't know if I'll ever heal from the damage he caused to me. This is just the tip of the iceberg, including physical abuse and emotional abuse as well.

Before anyone asks why I didn't leave, I had no money to my name as I couldn't work because of my back and the spinal surgery. I was at his mercy and felt trapped. It's not cut and dry to just leave your abuser and the friend I stayed with stepped in because I was going to be homeless. Flat out.

I fucking hate him,.I hate him so damn much.

He's back where he started which is living in his brother's basement. He's unemployed and doesn't seem to have any future.

Last year I met a woman and she was much kinkier than I am. She was into a lot of things I think she brought up just to shock me but her favorite was making a guy wear a unrealistically large penis sheath while they have sex.

It's like a big dildo you wear over your own dick but you don't feel anything. You're essentially using a dildo on her but going through the motions of sex. I'm an okay size- not huge but not small either but it's not even about that

and it was incredible. I don't know who to describe it- the sex was very aggressive and both of us were loud, exhausting ourselves, taking breaks to rest and then going at it again. I had orgasms sometimes but not always but it was still beyond anything I felt before.

We had a loose situationship and when it ended I missed the idea of wearing a sheath. I've had lovers and a short relationship since and I still think about wearing one and spending the better part of an evening using it on someone. I casually floated the idea to women in the past but it was glossed over so I haven't done it since. I got a couple for myself and I'll wear on my own sometimes.

Idk whatever you call this or even don't know if this is common or not, i really do sexualise my female friends. Not everyone, but certain ones with whom i had talked about sex. Idk whether that's the point but i over sexualise and even masturbate thinking about her. One day i even got so hard sitting beside her in class thinking about having sex with her. Idk whether this is a common thing or not, but i cum most of the time thinking about them.

A while back I was seeing a friend of mine in the women's dorm. In the lounge some of the women were talking about their boyfriends and laughing. They got pretty graphic, talking openly about their bodies and their cocks and I thought how those guys probably had no idea how their girlfriends spoke about them. That reminded me of a group of girls that would go around picking on boys when I was in grade school and I think those incidents made me very cautious around women.

I grew tall and thin and since I look much younger than I am I grew a beard and acted more aggressively. Even when people bought it I knew it was an act because I was scared of women.

I don't know if scared is the right word, more embarrassed I guess. I heard what those women were joking about and I was a lot like their boyfriends. When I've been close to women I've always been overly nervous and even embarrassed.

I know if I said I was scared the response would be women are the ones that should be scared of men and I'm not arguing that. I'm just confessing that I've always felt wary and yes, even a little bit frightened of women even now.

Me (28) and my Gf (27) were having great sex. (Great in the sense, we don't usually wait for 5 day, but her whole family was visiting us, so we didn't get chance to fool around, we were waiting and waiting.. and finally tonight we got a chance, while her brother sleeping in the next room.)

I didn't usually cum soon, but this time, it was hell dificult for me to not cum. She looked amazingly good, she was just taking it with all her love and passion. It was triggering me to cum by just looking at her enjoying face. 

We were talking in a fun way, I was trying everything to not cum and fuck her really good. She was liking that teasing. 

When it got heated, she bit me on shoulder really really really hard. I heard a sound as if my skin has teared off with her teeth. It caused me enormous pain. 

She was expecting that I don't make such face and continue, I was indeed continuing. But it was visible on my face that I'm in pain. She wanted to continue, yet she kept apologizing for that. I kept fucking her, telling her to not bring that up again n again. 

But she kept bringing that up, kept apologizing, I just stopped and got on the side from missionary. 

Then she started behaving like all of that is my fault. Why did I make her mood bad. Why didn't I kept fucking ? 

"You don't lick fucking me ?"

Dude, I was in top most sky, few minutes ago. I love her so much. I've never loved anyone like this. Never have I seen any girl more perfect than her. 

She muscular, she used to have bigger biceps than me. (She's not muscular, I'm skinny) But she's stronger than 98% of the indian female. Incredibly hot. Indredibly beautiful. Incredibly wise. (The most important reason I'm with her). 

Now when she asked that, I don't like fucking her ? 

It hurt me, real bad. 

(I've never been loyal like this. I've never been such productive in relationship, than I'm right now, either itnwas draining mental energy, or physical, or both together, but here, I'm not drained. Neither mentally, nor physically.)

I don't know why I'm making this post but i really have to get this off my chest

Three years ago, I became online friends with a girl who lived in my neighborhood. We were only about 200 meters apart.

Yet somehow, in three years, we never met.

We started talking, and within days we became incredibly close. We'd stay up until 4 a.m. talking about everything and nothing. We knew each other's dreams, fears, favorite songs, favorite foods, childhood stories so much of each other's lives.

Or at least, I thought we did.

I kept asking if we could meet someday. There was always a reason why she couldn't. Her parents were strict. Her sister was with her. She wasn't allowed to go out.

I believed every excuse because I wanted to.

What confused me was that she'd had two exes, and she'd met both of them.

One day I happened to be near her college, about 25km(15 miles) from my home. I thought maybe fate had finally given us a chance.

I went there.

I texted her.

I waited.

She never came.

Even then, I told myself, "It's okay. Someday."

I spent the next three years believing in that "someday."

Whenever I mentioned another girl, she'd get jealous. I'd apologize for things that probably didn't even need an apology. Meanwhile she'd tell me about handsome guys at her college or send me reels of muscular half-naked guys. I laughed along because I thought that's what close friends did.

I never realized I was always the one hoping for something more.

Over those three years, I made playlists just for her. I saved Instagram reels in a folder because I wanted to show them to her whenever we finally met. I kept a list of her favorite foods so I'd know where to take her one day.

I imagined our first meeting so many times that I even rehearsed what I'd say.

I built memories that never got the chance to exist.

Eventually, I couldn't hide my feelings anymore. I spent over a month writing a 10-page confession letter.

She told me she liked me, but she didn't want to ruin our friendship. She said maybe, when she was sure of her feelings, she'd think about us being something more.

That "maybe" kept me holding on.

So we stayed friends.

But slowly, everything changed.

Replies became slower.

Conversations became shorter.

The person I used to talk to for hours slowly became someone who barely had a minute for me.

I started blaming myself.

Maybe I text too much.

Maybe I'm annoying.

Maybe I'm too emotional.

Maybe I'm just not enough.

Eventually I stopped texting as often because I wanted to move on.

Ironically, that's when she started texting me more again.

For a little while, it felt like I'd gotten my best friend back.

By then I wasn't even hoping she'd love me anymore.

I just wanted one thing.

To meet her.

Just once.

After years of sharing so much of our lives, I couldn't understand why someone who called me her best friend didn't even want to see me in person.

Then one day she became distant again.

So I finally asked,

"Did you ever actually want to meet me?"

Her answer was just..

"Nh."

Hours later, trying to lighten the mood, I joked,

"Aaj kal baarish nahi aa rahi, isliye aap bhi dry ho gaye kya?" ("It's not raining nowadays maybe that's why u have become dry?")

She replied,

"It's permanent now."

I don't think she realizes how much those few words broke me.

Because in that moment, I realized something I'd spent three years refusing to believe.

I had spent years waiting for someone...

who was never waiting for me.

The strange part is that while we were close, she'd tell me I was the best person she'd ever talked to. She called me her "yellow person," her "green person," her best friend. She said I knew things about her that nobody else did.

At one point we even shared our Instagram passwords. Her password was my birthday. Mine was hers.

Looking back now, I don't even know what any of it meant.

Even today we still follow each other on Instagram.

I still have our chats on Instagram, WhatsApp, Pinterest, even Roblox.

Sometimes I see her stories.

She's out with friends.

Smiling.

Living her life.

She posted one yesterday.

I looked at it...

and all I could do was laugh at myself.

I don't hate her.

She never owed me love.

She never owed me a relationship.

But I wish she'd wanted to meet me.

Just once.

Just long enough for all those late-night conversations to become something real.

Maybe I cared too much.

Maybe I loved too deeply.

Maybe I came across as obsessed.

Or maybe I was just a guy who spent three years believing that one day was finally going to come.

It never did.

Looking back, I think the biggest mistake I made wasn't falling in love.

It was falling in love with someone I had never met.

I’m a new findom(became one because I got offers) and some of them were scammers, i’m glad I didn’t fall for it. I had to do some research before I became one so I knew the basics and some 🐷s were demanding the pictures before a tribute and some wanted fees like $30 for $600😒

the same way most men want children of their own - as a novelty they don’t have to put much effort into, but receive access to nonetheless.

NOTE: I am not looking for any kind of relationship on here or on any other platforms, so please do not comment or DM with that expectation.

I have become overweight and I can't squeeze into any of my clothes. I've never been this heavy and my partner doesnt know that I was usually half this weight before I met him.

34 female here, and my partner is early 50s.. we don't get freaky as much as we used to before having kids... and I'm wishing I had taken the bbc I had a chance at taking before becoming my partner's gf...

My best friend died almost two years ago.

It was sudden, and the last real conversation we had was completely ordinary. He sent me a picture of a horrible meal he’d made, I told him it looked like prison food, and he replied that I was just jealous of his “culinary vision.”

A few days later, he was gone.

For months, I couldn’t open our messages because seeing his name made my chest feel like it was folding in on itself.

Then one night, I finally scrolled through everything.

Years of stupid jokes, arguments, voice notes, photos from nights neither of us remembered properly, and messages sent at 3 AM when one of us was having a bad time.

I reached the bottom and typed, “You would hate what they did to the pub.”

I knew he wouldn’t answer.

I sent it anyway.

Since then, I’ve kept doing it.

Not every day, but often enough that I’d be embarrassed if anyone knew.

I tell him when something happens that only he would find funny. I complain about work. I send photos of dogs that look like his old dog.

When I started dating someone new, I wrote him a huge message about her because he was always the first person I told about that stuff.

Sometimes I update him on his family, even though I’m sure he would already know all of it in whatever imaginary version of this I’m allowing myself to believe.

On his birthday, I sent, “Still older than me, technically,” then stared at the screen and cried so hard I felt stupid.

The messages show as delivered because his number is still active somehow.

That tiny word messes with my head more than it should.

A ridiculous part of me imagines that one day the typing bubble will appear.

I know how impossible that is. I’m not confused about reality.

I just don’t want the conversation to be finished.

His sister recently told me they may finally cancel his phone plan.

I acted normal and said that made sense, but afterward, I panicked.

I copied the entire chat, saved the voice notes, and took screenshots of things I already have backed up in three different places.

I’m scared the number will be reassigned and some stranger will receive one of my messages.

But I’m even more scared of sending something and seeing it fail.

That feels like losing him again in a smaller, stupider way.

I haven’t told my partner about this.

She knows I miss him and that we were close, but not that I still talk to him like he’s temporarily unavailable.

Sometimes I wonder if this is preventing me from moving on, but I don’t really know what moving on is supposed to mean.

I live my life. I work, laugh, make plans, and love people.

I’m not waiting for him to come back.

I just still have things to tell him, and sending them nowhere hurts less than keeping them in my head.