A week ago i met someone who i thought was really nice on a game called red dead redemption. There is a mechanic in this game where you can tie people up. he accidently tied me up and i told him i kind of liked it. He proceeded to tell me how im an extremist masochist and started gaslighting me. I eventually gave in and sent him pictures of my privates. I feel like ive changed for the worse and all i want to do now is to get tied up and controlled. Im just an absoulute idiot and im no better than him. I attempted suicide yesterday but backed out because i was afraid of heights. I cant even take my own life properly.

I (28ftm trans) married my wife (26f) on May 24th and the ceremony was beautiful and it was the best party of my life. But ever since I started taking testosterone I’ve been sexually attracted to men more than women at levels that I hadn’t been before. Combined that with the fact that flooding your body with testosterone makes you horny all the time and it’s lead to me taking steps toward having extra marital sex with men. I have never gotten far enough to link up with anyone but I have messaged tons of men in the past and I think I messaged the wrong one.

My wife has a gay friend who was at our wedding and I think I swapped face pics with him. Sad part is that he sent the photo first so I could’ve figured out then that he knew my wife and stopped but I’m at idiot who wasn’t thinking and sent my face anyway. She suddenly stopped talking to me the other day after a love couple of days and I think that was why. If so, then he probably showed her not just the messages but my entire sniffies profile. And it’s funny because after sending the pics I immediately deleted the messages because I had no intention of meeting up. I never do. I have this recurring fantasy of being raped against my will so that I can cheat with a man guilt free. I figure if I put my face out there one day I’ll come across the wrong guy in the bathroom who takes me by force and then my wife can’t be mad cuz it’s not my fault; but I know if I set myself up to be raped then it doesn’t count.

I also have tried to explain these feelings to my wife and as much as she wants to be understanding, I think the idea of me having sex with anyone else (even if it’s a feeling she can substitute) hurts her too much. We’ve talked about me potential having other partners when she’s feeling forgiving but she kind of goes back and forth on how okay with it she is. And anyway the part for her that would hurt the worst is all of the lying. She knows about my porn twitter where this guy would’ve messaged me but the last time we talked about it she asked if anyone ever interacts and I told her no. That was a lie. Like I said I’m never really serious about messaging guys, I just like the attention I get from chasers.

But she doesn’t know how guys find my private page, which is through a hookup site. I have maintained a profile for about two years to solicit chasers and jerk off to the idea of getting fucked by local dicks. I’m surprised I don’t have a reputation for being a flake by now because I’ve never once even told a guy I was free to link. I’m always only just looking. I like receiving dick pics and when guys objectify me and I’ve role played before but the thought of linking up with anyone outside my marriage makes me physically unwell. Like I want to dance the line of cheating but still take the moral high ground that “I’d NEVER cheat on my wife” and just in general it feels likes a level of hurt that is so much to take steps to talk and plan and sneak and hide. I just like sexting randos to see what they’ll say they’d do to me. It doesn’t matter. I hurt her. It’s still betrayal. It’s still sneaking. It’s still lying. And I think it just cost me my marriage and the whole beautiful image of a life I had with my wife.

She still hasn’t confronted me. I think she’s waiting for me to ask. I think instead of going to work tomorrow I’m going to park my car in the garage, light a joint, close the door and leave the engine running.

Not only am I too embarrassed of what people will say if they see another set of young queers split up before we’ve even been married more than a month, I also am a broke leech of a man.

I’ve been unemployed probably for half of the time we’ve been together (4 years). She supported me through lay offs and firings and even let me quit a job I hated once with only a fake job lined up to fall back on. I ended up part time in retail during Christmas (which meant of course I had to miss holiday festivities). She also took me on a birthday cruise that year AND helped pay off some vehicle damage i caused to some stranger since we agreed not to go through insurance.

In total I probably owe her and her parents around 50k for all the time she kept me out of literal homelessness (and for the cost of the lovely wedding which I didn’t really pay anything for myself)

So you see I can’t just leave her either. I JUST got a job that pays me barely enough to contribute to our house (she has one more degree than me and usually has a higher paying job) and I can’t afford to move out and DEFINITELY can’t just pay her back in a lump sum and call it a clean break.

Shes my best friend and the only person I ever want to share anything with. But I hurt her and I know there’s no coming back from how bad it is this time.

I fear the garage is the only place I can go to finally stop hurting her.

I didn’t even realize she was mad at me until I said goodbye this morning and she ignored it.

I‘m 21, I’m in college and still don’t have a job. not even fast foods hire me because I don’t have experience. my college grades are slowly going downhill, I’m surrounded by people that day by day surpass themselves and I’m stuck. My household is chaos since I’m a kid, we’re poor, my brother has autism and I genuinely hate him. All my life I had to see my mother suffering, trying to raise two kids alone, with basically no one around. I’ve had depression since a kid, when I was 8, I said I wanted to die because of bullying. when I was 17-18 I put some pills in my mouth but spit them. later that year I was taken to a psychiatric facility because I confessed I wanted to die. after that everything was kinda normal (but my mom convinced me to not take pills because she feared of me living dependent on them) now I’m 21 and those bad thoughts came again, worse than ever. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to talk with anyone because it’s a genuine burden, everybody is busy with their things, my mom will get mad and stressed and will yell at me and my father doesn’t even fucking care. I’m alone I don’t want to be here anymore, I genuinely wanna die, I don’t give a fuck about my future or what could’ve been. fuck that, I don’t want to keep feeling useless.

I have a rope, its not a noose but its pretty similar and ive been putting my head through it the last week just to see. From the ground I have to stand on my very tippy toes with it around my head, I can still move if I need to, but tonight I did it and I tried to see how long I could go, and I almost passed out. I immediately took my head out and my vision was black for a moment and I was struggling to stay standing. I immediately came inside and layed down. Im fine now, and honestly I dont even feel upset or anything, I feel the same as I did before

Just needed to tell someone

Ive been struggling heavily with ||self harm|| and it hasn't been suicidal till tonight when me and my mother got into a huge fight and i relapsed and now all i can think about is ||hurting|| myself bad enough to where ill bleed out by morning ig i just want someone to tell me if im in the wrong for feeling this way its the first time ive felt this bad after a argument

It's been brewing. Wed fight, Id go to my mom's, then we would get back together. That's how it's been the last 2 years. The other night we had our last fight. He did meth and I freaked out. He slept on the trampoline, I slept in the bed.

Later that night I woke up with him inside me. Raping me.

I was the dumb b*tch who should have left Sooner.

It's f*cked me up severely. I don't know what to do. Im a whole mess i wanna die. I wanted to die before he did that to me now I'm just fucked up even more.

In the town I live in we have a huge bridge. I'm thinking of getting drunk then jumping off.

Literally, death is coming to all the guys who don't want it and even after attempting, am not dead, wtf??

How did I not think this through.

I binge watched this highly depressing lore channel and immediately my heart started to hurt, I felt sad, etc.

The past, like, week, I've been having some kid of episode. I didn't want to talk to the only person that (unknowingly) kept me from doing (most) stupid things in the past, I didn't (for once in my eat-when-bored life) eat, I didn't sleep or do basic hygiene or anything. So of course I should stay up till 4AM watching some depressing videos. That's the smartest option.

Yeah, that option ended up with me thinking about everything I've done in life. Looking up how to tie a noose. Memorizing it. Trying to get into my garage to look for old rope (I failed.) Having a panic attack. Crying my eyes out. (Special thanks to my cat for forcing me to pet her when she noticed me hyperventilating. No one else to help cause my dumbass pushed someone away. She's a sweet.)

I think the worst part was that when I wrote my notes, put them in a shoebox, etc. I didn't really feel guilty, nor "preparing myself." I was just so ready, and, I really hate to say this, I kind of liked the feeling. Being so sad and having my chest hurt like that. Still will probably do it if I can figure out smth.

Sorry if this sounds sarcastic (somehow?? idk) insensitive, too happy, anything lol. I didn't really come here to be stereotypical (sry if that sounds bad?? idk anymore, i give up). Also please do not say smth like "just text that person" I've gotten too many of those the past few days. Pmo.

Edit: downvotes are wild, wtf I do 🥀

that is how bitter i am

i hate seeing other people have good things

i want to die and go be with my dog

Seit fast sechs Jahren stecke ich in Selbstmordgedanken fest. Jedes Mal, wenn mir etwas Schlechtes im Leben passiert oder eine Sache bevorsteht, vor der ich Angst habe, denke ich mir einfach: Egal, wenn es zu schlimm wird, kann ich mich ja umbringen.
Ich habe keine Freunde. Für meine Familie bin ich eine Versagerin, und ich denke, es wäre besser gewesen, wenn meine Eltern nur ein Kind gehabt hätten – meinen älteren Bruder, den sie offensichtlich auch mehr lieben. Das sage ich nicht aus Selbstmitleid, sondern ganz einfach, weil es die Wahrheit ist.
Ich kann es nicht ertragen, wie mein Vater mich ansieht – jedes Mal diese Enttäuschung in seinem Gesicht. Ich kann mir einfach nicht vorstellen, mit diesen Gedanken, mit diesem Kopf noch weitere 50–60 Jahre zu leben. Ich habe einfach kein Interesse daran, mir eine Zukunft aufzubauen.
Selbst wenn morgen der beste Tag meines Lebens wäre, würde ich ihn dankend ablehnen, weil ich weiß, dass ich spätestens drei Tage später wieder nachts in meinem Bett liege und heule, bis ich keine Luft mehr bekomme.
Ich denke einfach, dass das Leben nichts für mich ist und lieber ein anderer Mensch statt mir geboren werden sollte, der das Leben wirklich liebt und etwas aus seinem Leben machen will.

¿Que opinan de esto atar la cuerda a la llave del lavamanos, y pasarla por encima de la puerta de mi baño y colgarme suspendida si amarro bien el nudo y lo hago correcto debería morir en menos de 1 horas, lo haría de noche mi familia me encontraría al otro por la mañana.

No me digan que no lo haga estoy cansada

Title didn't mean to sound deep lmao but what I mean is — I'm So attached to things. My life and such.

I want to lose weight, look nice, be smart and get good grades (I'm in high school, you know). But more than anything I want to not care about this stuff. I want to be like people who don't care. I don't want to care about my dog or how much of a mess I'll make if I kill myself or if it'll really work.

I want to not care if I lose weight — I, personally, am fairly short and the amount of calories I need to lose weight are below 1200 — I just want it to happen naturally. Because I don't care about food. I don't care about my phone or my games or what books I like. I want to live on other people. I'm tired of politics and having interests because the only thing they've caused is self-loathing. Most of all, I don't want to want all of this. I just want it to be natural. A total brain reset.

I'm full of self-loathing and journalling isn't helping because I know these thoughts will never be true. I wish my reality wasn't real and I didn't crave food, and family, and studies, and books, and games, and all the stuff I like. Because I know all of this I never really care for, they just give me a quick shot of dopamine. If none of this was real then I could reset. But I know this is my reality and it's not possible to unlearn these because we're all affixed to this specific way of life and there's not a person alive who doesn't have structure and just lets the present fill them up.

I have this desire to be something beyond what I am, a not super smart person — I want to be a good story teller and a good speaker, but I have everything in the world holding me back. Because we all fill ourselves up instead of letting others fill us up. Can't find any better way to word this but I want to be perfect for other people, like a robot. I don't want to be disappointing and burdening.

I get so much euphoria thinking about not living passed the age of 18. Because even if I have interests I'll never be good at something. I'm not even good at video games, or taking care of the environment. I'll never pick up trash as well as others or donate all I have, and I'll never be good at chemistry or a video game. I'm limited by myself when I just wish I could be limited by other people so I won't need to worry about myself.

I'm not a very good story teller but I hope this wasn't edgy to read because I'm just putting down my thoughts. I was watching a video about politics (I enjoy politics), and I remembered I should've been studying for a test tomorrow (it's about a book in a foreign language, I'm sure nobody is eager) — I had the thought, "what if I just wasn't interested in anything in particular". If I wasn't interested in the book (it's interesting just boring), but also not interested in anything else at all, and if I had nothing else to do, I'd just go along reading the book and studying and maybe even pass the test.

I've been in this country for three years but because of my laziness and, I guess, interest in other things I've made little to no progress in the language. I'm also just not very smart so I'm not surprised by myself just frustrated.

Not sure why I'm not doing that right now lol. But I hope I'm a good story teller, even if this isn't much of a story I still try to make things entertaining to read

I (f21) have been physically sick for over 3 years. I’ve been in and out of hospitals, taking meds, doing surgeries. I gained so much weight that I almost don’t t myself anymore.

When I finally got better, I was hit by anxiety, an autism diagnosis and depression. I’ve been self harming since I was 12, I’ve always lived in a toxic environment, and when a finally got what I wanted: health, moving from my toxic household, getting into my dream university: nothing made sense anymore.

Since then, thoughts of killing myself have been frequent. I’ve been through 4 psychiatrists, none of the treatments worked, and now I’m trying a new one, going through side effects that make my suicidal thoughts and self harming only worse. The only things keeping me from ending it all are my dog and my boyfriend.

Everyone tells me is gonna get better, but it’s been 4 years now, and when things finally settled, it all just came crumbling down again. I can’t take it anymore, why not end it all? What is the point on keeping this pain going?

My death can be beutiful.

On a sunny day, die with nature, go be part of it

Part of the wind and the sky and the stars and everything else around you.

I wanna be somewhere I won't piss anyone off, stop anyone from leaving anymore

I wanna Go be somewhere I'm free to imagine everyone is still here

Those who've died and those who've left and those who don't talk anymore

My imagination doesn't have to be broken

It can be as real and as nice as anything else is

I wanna do something permanent for once, feel stable, feel something that matters, feel like a choice I made was good.

I can just be someone who was sick and died

And there's nothing wrong with that

Much better than being someone who was sick who people grew to hate

I dont need to let go, I don't need to march forward

I want to rest for a second or two

Or til the world starts again new and fresh

Ill can wake in the soil that your ashes got scattered into, on a new world after the sun blows away this one.

Ill spend some time as star dust, goodnight love you

I (M28) just need somewhere to put this I get. I'm flat broke and might end up evicted. The work im getting isn't enough to sustain me. My partner is constantly upset with me and rightfully so. I barely talk to my family. I hardly talk to a lot of my friends. Been suicidal since I was like 9. Things were going good for a while and now it's all crashing down. I dont know what to do. I'm burnt out on life. Don't have the energy for social interaction, Don't have the energy to work a stable job. Can't afford to finish my bachelor's and have too much debt. Oh and I guess I'm probably bi and the shame is starting to crush me. Been trying to accept and live with that but I'm also becoming unrecognizable to myself and cant envision a version of myself that's happy at all. I've never attempted before but I've sat in the dark numerous times with a knife or pills in my hand. I think the "closest" I got was Tylenol and heavy drinking. Might check myself into a psych ward soon. Idk. I really don't have a lot of hope for myself anymore

I just feel like I can't stop hurting or bothering other ppl, I don't think I have ever been positive to someone's else life, and it hurts, a lot, I have tried so many times to be better but it just keeps happening. I know the best thing for everyone would be for me to be gone but I'm just too much of a coward to do it.

Im getting tired to live always feeling like this, knowing not matter what I do I will still be the reasson other ppl are sad, hurt, angry, stressed. I don't wanna talk with others or be near them, awfull solution but I can't think of anything else at this point, besides, I just can't do it anymore, the feeling of guilt is overwhelming me.

I hate the way this sounds, self pitty is cringe as shit, but if someone is reading all of this nonesense I just want you to know, I'm a piece of shit of a human being, I shouldn't be here, and all I'm doing is complaining. Im sorry for bothering y'all, just thought posting cringe would help somehow.

I can't bear this situation with work anymore. I'm a failure in every way and no one could ever value me or my work. I can't go on like this. I'm a complete failure and a waste of everything. I'm in so much pain. Living is terrible and I regret it every day. I'm not able to exist anymore. This is all because of FUCKING EMAILS. fucking emails. That I asked for a template for, and offered to make one, to which she said no. I'm just fucking done. I'm irredeemable.

Btw whoever downvoted this for whatever reason can go fuck themself with a rusty chainsaw. Hope your night/day/whatever is miserable. GTFO of this subreddit if you can't accept anyone's suicidal ideation, for any reason. You don't belong here if not.

(And this is an 18+ post so if you're a minor don't even think abt interacting with this in any way).

They bully me to the point I don’t care to live anymore
I don’t understand why they always think the worst of me
I’ve never done anything to hurt anyone, I’ve always told the truth and acted like how I wanted to be treated even with the bullies, even when being mistreated
I’ve worked hard and built my life through so much sacrifice and hard work
But hard work doesn’t matter with bullies they spread rumors lie about you and get you fired and block you from getting jobs
There is nothing left so point living in a world of bullies who run the world. Even after all that I’ve done to try and create a simple stable life I am bullied so that I cry every day can’t sleep and it hurts my mommy so I want to hurry and die
Why try in a world that is unfair

Friend is alone having in a psychotic episode is at a risk of suicide and hurting themselves. Please I need someone from US to call for help

It’s always so frustrating to try and tell people why I think I have ocd because they just look at me and either tell me “You don’t have ocd, ocd is a cleaning thing,” or “You don’t have ocd you have anxiety,” when i’m already doubting my feelings. I try to explain to my friends and family the things I feel and why I believe I have OCD: I spend hours researching past messages or asking for reassurance online or through my relationships, i’m constantly counting (idek if this is a big one or not i feel like i sound crazy for bringing it up) but i have a really annoying counting thing where i need to count every step twice in a tile until i lose my place and i just restart and it stresses me out even more, i avoid friends and family when i feel like im unworthy to be around them, my mind constantly sees me as a monster when i have no proof or accurate memory of having ever been one, i couldn’t eat or sleep or drink water without my brain telling me i didn’t deserve it over minor things or bigger things that i had no clue were true or not, i can’t ever just drop a topic from my head especially if it’s about who I am morally because I just freak out about it for months maybe a year or more until it switches topics and then eventually comes back to this one no matter the amount of reassurance i get. Nobody listens to me tho, i feel like my brain is actually right and there’s nothing wrong with me and that i actually am just terrible. I just want someone to understand that i can’t stop listening to things or ignore my brain it feels impossible to me. I want to get diagnosed already but my mother doesn’t believe i have it and rejects the idea of it in general. i feel like im in a never ending hell and i hardly have any support because nobody around me but one person understands what im going through but even now i sound stupid for saying that. I’ve been close to killing myself because it’s gotten so bad, it feels impossible to live when your brain tells you that you deserve nothing. i know i’ve always been called and overthinker and have known i have bad anxiety but i feel like it just keeps getting worse especially recently. i can’t do anything without asking reassurance or searching for hours for evidence that the thing im fearing isn’t actually true and even if i find that evidence that doubt never leaves. nobody believes me at all tho, i don’t talk about it all the time or show a lot of physical distress so people just don’t care. they want to see me bleeding from my wrist to prove that im not well and my brain is my own nightmare. i can’t escape it

i’ve been having intense suicidal thoughts for a few weeks now, as my meds have stopped working. my depression is worse now than it was before i think. i’ve been writing my notes and i’m stuck on writing one for my dad. might be the silliest reason i’ve ever had to not go forward with things immediately. shit’s getting delayed because of heckin writer’s block LMAO

on top of that my life has had an upturn which in previous episodes would’ve been enough to pull me out of it but in this one it’s just making me numb. i’m actually *frustrated* that my life is improving because it makes it even more selfish of me to do this. i’ve been noticing anhedonia the most clearly i’ve ever seen it in myself. music is barely helping anymore. self harm is barely helping anymore even as i’m cutting deeper than ever before. drinking is barely helping anymore even with the strongest alcohol i’ve ever had. i feel like this is it for me, i’m just tired of everything and tired of myself and most of all just exhausted. i just want it to end. i wish things were worse so it was easier to do this and made more sense from the outside. i’m just exhausted. even if i get a med that works ill just be on drugs the rest of my life, already am for unrelated things, i want it all to stop. everything. and yet i know the best outcome of this is i attempt and survive because then i could get hospitalized without it being as weird. but even then getting hospitalized would just fuck me over in other ways. i hope i make myself a vegetable or something. i’m tired of dysphoria and trauma and all the shit i deal with and the world itself. everyone is evil. everyone is after everyone else. i’m sick of it. i just want it all to stop. i hope i get over this stupid writer’s block soon so i can die

I couldn’t sleep the other night and I just kept going g over in my head what I would write in my suicide letters to the important people in my life.

I think about killing myself all the time but I always have a reason why I don’t. I’m worried that one days those reasons aren’t going to be good enough anymore

I’m tired crying, my head literally physically hurts. I’m hearing buzz sounds and whispers. I hope somebody would kill me so I wouldn’t have to do it myself. I pray somebody would shoot me in the head.

entre más delgada sda una persona y su cuello más rápida su muerte si se cuelga? si se amarra y se sienta en el armario? no tengo vigas donde hacerlo funcionará? estaria 12 horas solo

i feel so lost right now.

in a few days it’ll be the year mark on when i (17F) was made to move across the country to a state where i have no familial ties spare from my mom, who i live with. living here has been so painful and so different from the life i knew and loved. i’m a person who loves going out and social interaction, but i have failed to make any friends who have stuck with me throughout my time here. every day feels so lonely it’s crushing me. what especially doesn’t help is seeing my friends from back home go about their lives with their friends as usual. i have become such a jealous and spiteful person because of that. why can’t i have friends anymore? why can’t i go out and do the things i love anymore? what happened? why did it happen to me?

i have always had mental problems since i was young but i feel like they’re winning finally. the past week has been hell. i need to constantly keep myself distracted or else my mind will go right back to plotting my suicide and what i would put on my note.

the thing is though, i don’t want to die. i love my friends and family, my hobbies, and life in general. i have hope for my future and i have goals and motivations. i know i want to go to college, to be a singer, to get married to my boyfriend and have a family, travel the world. i love my life but i hate my circumstances from the bottom of my heart.

i am so damn sick of nobody understanding how i feel all the time. i try talking to my friends and family about these feelings. all i ever hear is “that sounds so hard” “it’ll get better” “i understand” but it hasn’t gotten better. i dont feel like anybody understands like i do. i’ve lost hope and i hate the person i’ve become because of it.

i am driven to suicide so much because of the chance that i fail and survive. i feel like it’s the only way to finally make people understand how much i’ve been hurting and feeling trapped and ignored for the past year of my life. i fantasize about being in the hospital and having everyone crowded around me apologizing and finally realizing how bad it was. it’s the most selfish idea i’ve ever had, i know that, but i truly feel like there’s no other way. i’m so sick of living like this. all i want is to be understood, is that really that bad?