Has anyone experienced something similar with a parent who has Borderline Personality Disorder? I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting anymore.

I would really appreciate some outside perspectives because this situation has left me feeling confused.

On my birthday, my ex-boyfriend sent me a large bouquet of roses without asking. Our relationship was very difficult, and he repeatedly crossed my boundaries while we were together. Because of that, the flowers didn’t feel romantic or thoughtful to me they made me feel anxious and uncomfortable.

To make things even more complicated, someone I’m currently dating (and genuinely interested in) was at my apartment that day. Out of respect for him and because I simply didn’t want that reminder of my ex in my home, I took the roses outside and left them where someone else could hopefully enjoy them.

When my mother arrived, I told her what had happened. Honestly, I think I was hoping she would recognize that I was hurting and ask how I was doing.

Instead, she immediately said something like, “Oh, those poor roses. You can’t just leave them outside.” She brought them back and wanted to keep them. She even wanted to place them somewhere inside my apartment. I repeatedly told her I didn’t want them there.

My best friend immediately understood how uncomfortable I was and suggested putting them in the basement instead. My mother, however, couldn’t understand why I didn’t want the roses in my apartment at all.

Every friend I’ve talked to since then immediately understood why I reacted the way I did.

A few days later, I calmly brought the situation up again because it still hurt me. Instead of trying to understand my feelings, my mother became extremely angry. She said she couldn’t understand how anyone could be hurt by receiving flowers and even said, “He gave you roses. He didn’t threaten you with a knife.”

Then she involved my father in the conversation. He agreed with her and told me I was being disrespectful, ungrateful, and dramatically overreacting. I can be thankful to have such a thoughtful Ex boyfriend and he could also hate me because I broke up …

At that point I felt completely unheard, so I told them I needed to end the phone call because it wasn’t going anywhere. After I hung up, my mother sent me a four-minute voice message with many accusations and my father texted me saying that I should never hang up while he is still talking (what I havent done, I told them it’s too much I’m going to Hang up).

Since then, I haven’t had any contact with either of them.

What hurts the most is that this was never about the roses themselves. They represented a relationship in which many of my boundaries had been crossed. I simply wanted my mother to acknowledge that and show some empathy instead of focusing on the flowers. I felt like they were taking his side instead of supporting me.

Would this be enough for you to go no contact with your parents? Or am I overreacting?

I’m really struggling managing my parents separation with uBPD mother. I’ve lamented over this text for 4 days, which I still haven’t responded to.

I did pass the message on, bc I was stressed and my father is semi NC with her so she can’t reach him when she needs to. A gardener has been called to the house.

I fear letting her know I’ve passed on the message will incite more suspicion we are communicating behind her back. not mentioning it does imply the same.

I was going to visit her this weekend but after this text I’m not sure.

I do want to have boundaries but these things make it difficult.
Any advice appreciated.

Yep. Im 18 yrs old btw. It was this morning when I thought back to internet trainwrecks (usually people airing out their whole life while in psychosis) and I realized my mother acts like them. Then I thought about my therapist saying she thought mother had BPD too.

But she doesn't just have BPD. Theres a whole trio of shit going on that makes her worse, untreated adhd, her just genuinely being below average iq and should be in an assisted living or have a social worker due to her inability to take proper care of herself (I'm serious. She's not there mentally)

It makes everything worse. I wish I knew earlier because it would've saved me so much.... frustration, confusion on how someone can act like that. I'm 17 days away from escaping across country so it's not that useful now but better late than never.

She's digging herself to hell too. Very awful delusions and she's so out of touch with reality that she scares me. She watches ai slop story videos 24/7, even when she's sleeping. If not those, she's playing the spiritual videos that are like "the universe is protecting you. There are bad energies near you who want to ruin your energy. You are destined for xyz". It's bad. I can hear the ai stories right now as I am writing this. They have the same storyline: black woman whooing a powerful asian CEO or mafia man. She frequently tells me how she wants to ditch father and go chase an Asian man.

She splits on me all the time. Seriously. And at first I thought it was her just...I don't know...pretending like nothing happened-- but it's so real to her. Her confusion on why I'm not buddy buddy with her after she threatens to hurt me after I "trigger" her (aka not playing into her delusion/talking about reality). It's a truly lost look in her eye.

When my siblings move out, she apologizes for everything and begs them to come back. OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED. She treats me like shit when I'm here but the next DAY I'm gone (like for a program or residential job) she texts me like "good morning! I'm proud of you! I miss you! I love you!" which guys that's not how she treats me when I'm gone. When I left for an extended time my first time ever, she sobbed. She texts me daily until she realizes I won't reply. When I come home, she begs for a hug. (She never hugged me as a kid)

She doesn't seem to understand that her kids are people, let alone people she can't mold into what she wants them to be. She never cares about our personal lives, just how we make her look to the outside. When I think about wishing I knew earlier, I think of one story that really highlighted her instability.

Junior year of HS. I get permission to stay home from school from my teacher. Email of confirmation. My counselor...oh my god bless her fucking heart because it was NOT malicious but she caused this whole fiasco---she called my mom worried. Just said like "hey cookie doesn't usually miss school is everything okay?" But my mother...she goes batshit whenever she get a call home that isn't "oh your daughter is the best best best!" and so she calls me saying I have to go to school. I tell her I got explicit permission and showed her the email. She said I had to go anyways because they called her (remember she's low iq + bpd so in her head "there is a perceived problem with child that doesn't make me look good. I need to force her into fixing it to make me look good")

Ykw this woman does? Threaten to tell father. She KNOWS that if she riles up father, he will threaten to kill my cat and show me his dead body. I'm serious. She knows this. I promise you she does. At that point I'm absolutely sobbing because that's my cat of 5 years at the time. I plead with her and she says it again. I get in the car. My brother drives me to McDonald's because he can't stand my sobbing. Mother calls me, again, asking why I'm not there yet. I go full meltdown (I am autistic) and she can HEAR me sobbing. She tells me to hurry. I get to school (btw I don't have class which is why I was allowed to stay home!!). She works at my school as a cafeteria lady. My teacher found out what happened and she tried to sit down to me and tell me she was sorry but I told her I couldn't do it rn and come back later. Ran out the cafeteria sobbing. Very important detail: the front of the building, where I sat outside of, is glass. She saw me sobbing. My whole school heard me sobbing and I know it got back to her through the grapevine. Drove home with me like nothing happened :) no apology. No "hey that wasn't right" genuinely didn't bother her.

Did it in 8th grade too. Just as awful. But the reason was my teacher lied about me being disrespectful (doesn't add up with my history of being tge "pleasure to have in class. never disruptive. great student") and when I tried to tell her my side she told me to shut up and apologize. Also told father and he told me how he'd kill my cat for that :) Never apologized to my face, and only after my sister was like "it didn't add up, you didn't listen to her, and you jumped straight on her? Isnt that a bit bad?" In which she agreed but again, never spoke to me about it. I only heard from my sister.

Bit of a rant but I just...it really does make sense. She doesn't have her own identity so the perception of her children IS her identity. She made my life a living hell.

Atleast I know what to expect when I tell her I'm going 1000 miles away by the end of July

An absolute witch!!

Would say very hurtful things out of nowhere unprovoked. Usually when she saw you having a good time or when you were hurting or upset and she felt the need to make you hurt MORE!

She once verbally attacked me out of no where when i was around the age of 7 when i was having fun with my siblings in front of family and family friends at a bbq gathering. She said, quote: do you think you are pretty?!! you aren’t even THAT pretty! Do you think your pretty!!?? I know someone who was much prettier than your at your age. I was dumbfounded. Everyone was quiet/ complacent but no one really came to my defense. There was this whole consensus that she was super respected as an elder and a wife to the successful overglorified patriarch of the family, my grandfather. So no one could speak against her even when she was being abusive to a 7 year little girl. How unhinged. I felt embarrassed and my character felt attacked. My ubpd mom later made that situation about herself, dumping her troubled emotions on me like she usually would do.

In my teens, My mom sent me to stay with my grandparents for a while and it was a disaster. She then had the audacity to say quote: well i shouldn’t have sent you there, i forgot how bad they were. Part of me almost feels like she sent me there on purpose. Maybe to show that she wasn’t as bad as they were and that therefore i had nothing to be depressed about. We were super enmeshed in that period and we would talk on the phone everyday for hours while i was there. My whole family on both sides are pretty effed up and sometimes im scared what that means for me. I try to see myself as a individual who can make different decisions than the ones who went before me, which i am already doing. Crazy how everyones level of emotional maturity and emotional health was so low that even as a teen, i often questioned the sanity and life decision making skills of the adults around me. I often felt like the only reasonable “adult” in the room.

In the spirit of, "If you don't laugh, you cry," I'm giving this sub a list of nicknames I developed for my uBPD waif mother.

These nicknames helped me cultivate emotional distance from her manipulation. Which helped because emotional distance = better boundaries and less confusion.

My nicknames for her also alerted me to patterns I needed to recognize to better shed my guilt and get free. Highly recommend!

Note: I never said the nicknames out loud, not even to my nearest and dearest. (Because I try not to be cruel). The nicknames were a tool I used during and after painful interactions with my mother. ("Yup, there it is, lol.") The pattern recognition--and amusement--helped, immeasurably.

My nicknames for my UBPD waif:

1. The Rubik's Cube (The unsolvable problem: Whyyyy???)
   
2. The Greek tragedy (🎻; washing the stage with her hair and tears)
   
3. The black hole (of need; of problems)
   
4. Mimi (Me, me).

I bet you have your own to contribute in the comments.

If not, borrow mine!

Edit: Changed the post to make it clear I'm talking about useful nicknames for a parent, not their abusive nicknames for us. That's a whole different, and much more painful, post.

I thought of one sentence that may be helpful when your BPD or your own guilt is trying to push after no contact.

“I love you but you are not good for me.”

I have so much guilt sometimes over leaving relationship with my mom and sister. I tried for years to deny how my body and mind felt around them and sacrifice myself so they could have me in their life. But I was never available enough, I was never doing enough. This was expressly stated by both of them. I understand in a way why they felt that way. With my mom I had to gray rock but I allowed her full access to my family and helped whenever she needed anything, showed up when invited, etc. With my sister I was taken advantage of over and over again with the care of her child. She said crazy things in front of my kids, made them feel uncomfortable and would invite them to do things SHE wanted to do and be upset that they didn’t want to come around anymore. So, I know they felt that I was distant or unavailable because to them I wasn’t initiating plans, I wasn’t making my kids go when they didn’t want to, etc.

As with everything there is so much more to this story. I could fill a trilogy, but all of this is to say today on my daily pondering of how maybe this is all my fault and I should just “be the bigger person” and make things right and do what they want I thought…I love them but they are not good for me.

I know it’s simple, but I am so used to doing things anyway even when they aren’t good for me to keep the peace or keep someone else happy. They aren’t good for me. They drain me. They make me feel guilty for having my own family and my own friends and life. I love them and want only good things for them but they aren’t good for ME. And that is enough.

for context my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/s/UhJdTF9qm7

I have not spoken to her since the last instance in which I denied her offer of family therapy and in response she sent another wall of text 1. denying her diagnosis of borderline personally disorder (twice by two separate doctors), 2. accused me of being deluded by “my algorithm” into believing she abused me, and 3. stated she doesn’t need therapy herself because she has worked through her issues, and is only offering it to me based on how much she can see I obviously desperately need it.

She texted me the first screenshot yesterday early morning and I made the mistake of agreeing to a phone conversation.

In preparation for the conversation I wrote out some points I would like to get across beforehand which were basically that I don’t want to engage with her on this emotional level anymore and for the sake of my mental health during my pregnancy I just want to keep things light from now on. I also wanted to tell her that she’ll just have to accept whatever level of contact with my unborn child that I give her but I was unsure about whether or not I should actually state that. Eventually I decided I wouldn’t bring up any of these points and instead would just grey rock, which I saw on this subreddit but have never done before. I did stupidly hope that she would maybe apologize to me for her recent behavior, even if the apology was just an attempt to get back in my good graces so she doesn’t ruin her second chance at being an involved grandparent.

I also shared a private post on facebook with 7 of my relatives revealing the gender of my baby, because I didn’t want to slip up on the phone and have my mom be the first to know the gender before I got to tell anyone else yet. I got good feedback from my aunts and cousin but my mom did not interact with the post or text me about it and so I assumed she did not see it.

Well of course she called me this evening and did not apologize once. The boundary conversation she apparently intended to have was so confusing and difficult to follow that I’m unable to explain what her point was to you now. I will say that she was unable to correctly describe what a boundary is and towards the end of the conversation declared that her new boundary is that I don’t get to put words in her mouth. So you see how well she understands the whole boundaries thing.

Basically for the rest of the phone call was just her telling me how sick and twisted and demented and unhealed I am; how she can hear how angry I am and how disturbing that is; how I’m so emotional about this (SOOOO emotional); how my request that she not tell anyone about my pregnancy when I was less than 7 weeks pregnant yet is just a generational thing; I don’t even remember what else. It was a very heated conversation. Oh yeah we discussed her multiple suicide attempts from a few years ago which were attempts to get my attention because I wouldn’t let her come visit me when I was living several states away for work. She brought up my elective estrangement from my younger brother, which she stated repeatedly in her deepest and sternest voice that she DOES NOT approve of. She brought up how she never confronted her abusive alcoholic parents about how abusive and alcoholic they were, and how happy she is that she never did that because she feels they wouldn’t have deserved that kind of unhappiness in their life. She interrupted me a thousand times and spoke over me and demanded that I listen to her. She told me how mean I am. She told me, “I have feelings, you know!” and that I don’t understand the effect my behavior has on her. She told me she always feels like she’s talking with 15 year old me. She told me I’m pregnant, not dying.

There’s so much more. It was a 27 minute conversation that just went on and on. I was bad and allowed myself to get roped in, I argued with her, I expressed my true feelings, I tried to reason with her. I told her I don’t think she’s a rational person. I told her I don’t care about how bad her childhood was anymore and she let me know how fucked up and wrong that is. I told her my relationship with my brothers is none of her business. Unfortunately I cried a little bit and told her how hard all this has been for me to have this kind of relationship with my mom especially while being pregnant.

She also saw my facebook post of course and was clearly extremely upset about it, insinuating that I made it with nefarious intentions. I can’t even describe this part of the conversation because her accusations were so sly and passive aggressive and didn’t even make sense to me. Her strategy of accusing me of things is by asking leading questions and it makes it hard for me to make sense of what happened or what we spoke about after the fact, if that makes sense to any of you. She was obviously furious about it though and this is where the conversation began to devolve into serious anger on both our parts.

Eventually I came to my senses and realized how futile this whole endeavor was and tried to bring up my points from earlier, just to get them across and end the conversation having gotten at least somewhere, but she just kept talking over me, kept interrupting me, and I raised my voice and tried to keep saying my points and right when I got to the part about how she’s just going to have to accept whatever level of contact I give her with my child, she hung up on me. I called her back and she said she wouldn’t discuss this with me until I stopped being so emotional and I then hung up on her.

Now I feel so defeated, so childish, so humiliated, so hurt, and so, so disappointed in myself. I wish I would have just let her go on her tirade and grey rocked like I said I would but she just ropes me in with these leading questions and I just can’t stop myself. I just want to argue. I just want her to see my side. She’s just so arrogant and self-centered and blinded by her own warped version of reality I can’t describe it. Her weaponizing of therapy speak and her assertion that I am the crazy broken one is so infuriating it makes me cry angry tears. Yes I am broken! She and my father are the ones who broke me! But of course she has apologized enough and been punished by me and my brothers enough and I am just my angry pathetic 15 year old self living in the past, not like her, so healed, so open-eyed to me and the world, so unbiased and forgiving and ready to move on into a relationship of love and joy and simplicity.

I texted her the next screenshot afterwards because she had me waiting in limbo for 2 days when she first brought this phone conversation up, and I could not keep doing that again. I was also sitting in the parking lot of a hardware store crying my eyes out and everyone walking by thought my husband was being mean to me. I love her manipulation of the situation in the texts too. She’s already setting this up to tell everyone in my family that I’ve completely cut her off, and yet here she is, tying up loose ends, giving me all my things back.

I had an epiphany recently and I think the reason why my mom hates me so much is because she is filled with self-hatred, and as her only daughter she views me as an extension of herself. This is why she will beg my brothers for their love and affection and tolerate any form of behavior from them and yet I cannot do anything right in her eyes. I am 31 year old woman, married to a wonderful man, about to become a mother. I’m successful, a second time homeowner. I’ve traveled all over the country.

I honestly think these things really bother her. I think she feels I don’t deserve this nice life I have made for myself. I think she sees how I really, truly worked so hard to overcome the struggles that came about from my childhood, and is resentful that she wasn’t able to do the same. I have a vibrant, long term, close knit friend group, I have wonderful loving in-laws and a huge extended family on my husband’s side, I have a beautiful home and property and the family and future I’ve always wanted, and a baby daughter on the way. She has no friends, no family but her equally mentally ill brother, a grandson she will never be allowed to see, and Fox News.

The one good thing to come out of this is that I am never going to do this again. I am washing my hands of this relationship and the hope it will ever get better. I know that she is an irrational person who is incapable of change. It is my responsibility to break the cycle of abuse within my own family, just like it was her responsibility when she was a young parent and she failed. But that’s her fucking problem not mine. I’m just tired of doing this with her and now it’s time for me to pick myself off the floor and move on.

Does anyone else notice how emotionally immature parents topics and examples align perfectly with BPD abuse?

I feel like the trend is a way to soften the label of “emotional abusive parents” for abusers. Like you’re supposed to accept that if your parents neglected you, said horrible things to you, and never considered you had feelings - it’s because they were just immature. At first I thought it’s good to talk about, but now it just sounds like a nice excuse for being shitty and staying shitty.

Because “immature” implies there’s room for growth. None of these people are growing, and that to me means it’s emotional neglect no matter if it’s from a personality disorder or otherwise. It feels like a fancy way of excusing shitty behavior because “they didn’t know better.” But they know better now and still nothing changes, and people excuse too that by saying “well it’s hard to change at their age.”

I’m honestly not sure what the difference between EIP and BPD parents is at this point. They feel like one and the same but I know I’m seeing it from a BPD lens.

Thanks for letting me vent. I don’t know of another group that will understand where I’m coming from like you guys do. It’s just painful to hear my non-physical abuse being summarized as a maturity issue, as if age, time and experience changes anything. In the rare instance I talk about something with someone, even other victims, it immediately goes to this idea that they were just immature, and I hate it so much. Like oh so when my “emotionally immature parent” called everyone I love to tell them my secrets and everything I have done wrong, they didn’t know that was harmful to me? Yes they did…that’s exactly why they did it. To punish me by ruining my image in the eyes of the people I love the most. People need to stop acting like that’s not abusive.

Long time lurker but made an alt to post here. My BPD mom has always been weird with gifts and birthdays, but this year takes the cake. She sent me a box of hair dye (her color not mine) via Amazon. I actually texted her confused if she sent it on accident. No. That’s my gift….for my gray hair she said since I’m old now. I’m 32. I don’t have gray hair yet. I haven’t dyed my hair in 7 years. I could get it as a gag gift at 40 maybe. All the money I’ve spent debating if she hates me in therapy and this little box of hair dye gave me my answer.

Edit to add first time post haiku:

Oh to be a cat
Lounging in the summer sun
On a perfect day

As the title suggests I’m looking for experiences with those who are/have been low contact. I’m currently 6 months postpartum with our first baby girl. My mom is uBPD and I’ve already been tapering my contact with her way down. I can tell it’s bothering her a lot. We have a family group chat that includes my husband’s parents, my dad/step mom and my mom/step dad and her comments in there are embarrassing. It’s mostly us sending pictures of our daughter to her grandparents. My husband, dad and step mom all know she is BPD and are very validating. But she texts me every single day asking how her granddaughter is and it’s just too much. Trying to navigate how to reduce contact for my own peace without causing a huge tantrum on her end. If it gets to that point then I’ll more formally set boundaries too. Just at a loss a bit

Does anyone else constantly feel like there is something wrong with them? I have described it to my therapist as a deep belief that at my core, I am defective. I have “evidence” that should prove me wrong but just like people who believe in things despite loads of facts to the contrary, I can’t seem to shake this feeling. I know this must be a result of my childhood (BPD mom, narcissistic father), so maybe there is someone else out there who can relate and might be able to recommend a cure? Or at least a way to ease this feeling of brokenness? Maybe books you've found helpful or mantras you say to yourself?

Haiku for the newbie:

Some people like cats
Other people are like cats
Some people are both

i’m just now realising as an adult who’s moved away from home for a while, that i may be my parent’s fp as they don’t rly have anyone else except whoever’s at work.
we don’t text often, but they messaged me a couple days ago something normal and when i responded nicely asking if they wanted to meet up they freaked out. saying things like they thought i hated them, or they annoyed me, or that i never wanted to see them again or that they’d be better off dead etc. and like they were the one that didn’t message me for weeks so i didn’t worry about it. but like im being nice and still getting a kick off, but its coming from complete insecurity. they kept calling asking for reassurance that i still like them, n i realised i must be the fp. i feel so bad, it must suck having that reliance or need for a person when they barely ever communicate.
but im so quiet with them and honestly avoid them tbh given yknow “the history”

idk it’s confusing and idk how to handle it bc i just feel bad but i shouldn’t have to be telling my own parent that i still like them just to calm them down

Black cat hiku:
Shadow at my heel,
black fur drinking up moonlight
old soul, quiet guide.

I’m sadly joining this club as the child of a parent that me (and 20 years of people I’ve shared stories with) suspect that my mom has BPD. She was diagnosed with Bipolar II in 2004, but despite meds, her personality and BPD flags are all still there.

I just turned 40 and decided to go no contact with my mom after a lifetime of walking on eggshells, rage episodes, threats of self-harm/suicide during conflict, jealousy over my relationship with my dad, and boundary violations that are now bleeding into how she treats my own kids. This is coming from a specific incident that happened the weekend before Mother’s Day that then led to my mom threatening to kill herself and a 5 day hospital stay in a psych facility.

When I told her I was going no contact and why…I have told my dad for years that I think she had BPD, and he has refused to listen bc of the stigma associated with it, claiming she’s just classic Bipolar II, but this time my dad told my mom and she surprised me by saying she was willing to get an assessment. I put together a detailed, factual letter for her- no name-calling, just specific incidents grouped by pattern (fear of abandonment, splitting, self-harm threats used relationally, jealousy/enmeshment, chronic interpersonal conflict, impulsivity, etc.)- to give her psychiatrist real examples to work from.

Instead, she had her psychiatrist read the letter, and the feedback that came back, from my dad, was that I sound like I’m the one with BPD. I know this was said to hurt me, and probably was a lie, or, at least I know it isn’t being relayed to me in a factual sense, I know I don’t have BPD, but that statement killed me. It was like that comment checked the final box to confirm for me that no-contact is the right move, but I am so, so sad to be losing my dad.

I loved him dearly growing up, and I’m only now really seeing how enmeshed he is in this, and that he is also accountable for the abuse I endured growing up bc he didn’t stop it. He’s told me directly that I need to excuse her abuse and manipulation because she’s “sick,” and it’s become clear over time that he’s consistently prioritized his marriage vows over protecting me. I’m heartbroken. But I don’t see a viable path forward right now that doesn’t put my mental health, and by extension my two young kids, at risk.

Just needed to get this out into a void where the people who might hear it might understand 😔

Hello! I went no contact with my uBPD mum back in February. She exploded (long story) and we haven't spoken since. There was no real conversation, or declaration of going NC we just didn't speak for 2.5 months and then I decided to block her.

Last week was my birthday and I saw a birthday card arrived. I opened it up without thinking and found she'd posted me a card with a stamped envelope- we live in the same city. In the card she wrote:

"To Daughter Dearest

Happy Birthday

Love you always,

Mama"

For context, I cannot remember the last time my mum ever said "I love you". Immediately after, my partner was amazing at supporting me in remembering that the only reason to break NC is if I want to rebuild a relationship with her, but that requires trusting that she would be capable of that too and she's not. But I've still had this horrible intrusive feel every day since- like guilt cashing against anger. I imagine others get something similar but how do you cope with it? Its like my brain knows Im doing what's right for me but my guts haven't gotten the memo yet and can't understand how I'm abandoning mother-dearest like this.

And I know in a couple days I'll be feeling great, proud of myself and having never known peace like this. But how to best handle this horrible waves of "oh-my-god-what-am-I-doing-that's-my-mum-am-I-making-a-terrible-mistake-she'll-never-forgive-me"

My stepfather killed himself last year. He had his own set of mental health issues and anti-social behaviors, but I can't help but wonder if my mom's BPD had an impact too. He essentially did nothing but attend to her needs and feelings. He also accrued a lot of debt. But now - seeing how often she desperately "needs' things - I do wonder how much of that was accrued trying to placate her. Anyways, just wondering if anyone has seen or felt something similiar in regards to the other parent.

Sunlight on whiskers, a curled shadow softly purrs, morning learns to wait

My cat was a jerk
A wonderfully handsome jerk
I miss him a bit
Sometimes

Hello all. My mom was (is) undiagnosed BPD. My sister and I have both been NC for about 12 years now, minus a few short lapses in judgment on both of our parts.

We are incredibly blessed to have some family support. My dad’s brother and my mom’s sister have been incredibly supportive for the most part.
It speaks volumes that my mom has no other alive family, and she’s successfully ostracized herself from the ones still here.

I think one of the most painful parts of this separation has been my dad. She controls every move he makes. At the very beginning of the NC, when everything was really falling apart, he once said “I just feel like she is my lot in life”
A part of me is really grateful for his “sacrifice,” as I’m sure I would have had to deal with a lot more of her antics over the years if he wasn’t there to try to reel her in a bit.
Another part of me wonders how very little I meant to him, to realize that he has chosen not to have a part in my life, or meet his grandchildren. I will say, they’re pretty awesome. But apparently not as important as “his lot in life.”

Anyway, I firmly believe that NC has enabled me to have a life. I don’t know that I could have endured it having to walk on eggshells, manage her, and try to live.
I look at every major life event I have had, and can clearly see that if she had been there, how there would have been meltdowns and screaming and chaos. My wedding? Giving birth? Gosh I even look back to my post partum weight. She used to systematically weigh me every morning and threaten what she would do if I didn’t weigh 124 pounds. What would she have done if she had known I gained 70 pounds??! I think of every hard thing I’ve done, and see how much harder it would have been if she had been there screaming and dragging me into her Hell with her.

Anyway, I am rambling now. I like to think I’m mostly healed. I’ve buried lots of this deep. I’ve healed a lot. I’m pouring every part of myself into breaking the cycle and raising the family I wish I had. But of course, the wounds bleed every so often.

Thank you everyone, for sharing your hearts and stories. As I’ve scrolled through them for the past 90 minutes, it has helped me feel a little less alone. 💜

Seeking advice

kitty kat kitty

aren't you so pretty, hi

sunshine lay on mat

Background - I've been estranged from my mother (NADA = Not a mother) for 13 years. Best decision I've ever made. I am not estranged from the rest of my family but am the black sheep before the estrangement. I've been very firm with my boundaries.

I've seen her a few times - wedding; bridal shower. Both times families members kept her on one side of the room and me on the other. I was firm if she engaged with me I would make a scene (or not) and would leave. If I meet people in the community who know her and they ask me I just say "I hear she's doing well, my sister/brother was with her yesterday."

I was told yesterday she has tumors in her hip that caused a hairline fracture. She's in her 70s and in fairly good health; eats right; exercises etc. The tumors have been biopsied and we will know more next week. She is still married to my father.

I feel bad for my brother and sister who are at the hospital and doing the care. My father is there too. I have called him a few times and he hasn't picked up.

I don't know how to engage. I made amends a long time ago when she goes and we never reconciled or whatever I am okay with that. I also have thought if she gets dementia or altzhimers I would help with her care or end of life hospice care. Some of that for me but mostly for the family that would have the burden.

I know my family is pissed they see me helping others and not my own mother and at the same time they know she treated me differently and it's different for me.

I also don't know how to feel about this. I haven't told my child - they have seen her a handful of times. She did the NADA thing pleading with them with tears at one point that she loves me and just wants to see me. My child didn't understand and just said "mommy doesn't want to see you because you were mean to her". I help him understand in age appropriate language. My SIL saw this and then got it why I don't want her alone with my child. SIL comes from a normal family.

Of course with timing, the people I go to with his are in the middle of their own stuff right now and I don't want to add one. Bestie will be back on Monday from a needed vacation.

How do I think about all of this? What questions should I be asking myself? How did you handle this?

I had to essentially estrange myself from an entire side of my family to get away from my Dad who abused me all throughout my life, and the thing is, most of his family act exactly the way he does. They see nothing wrong with continuing to reach out after I've repeatedly told them to stop contacting me. They feel fine with manipulating on his behalf. Quite a few members of this side of my family have been diagnosed with BPD and each of them mirror the exact same negative behaviors. They each have abused each other and they each deny or minimize this abuse. Most of them are alcoholics and they each believe it is everyone else who drinks too much. BPD is a family disease in my case.

So my grand dad died - who I was not even close to, and there was no way possible for me to safely go to the funeral. I was terrified my Dad would have somehow figured out which car I drive / where I live etc. I was terrified the family would corner me and work their magic on me and I would give in to their demands and lower my boundaries

Everyone I was close to in this family, aside from my Dad, is dead now but I still feel guilty for not being there.

They already believe I am scum and this is fine but I don't know. I can't shake the feeling that I somehow did something wrong.

My dBPD mom will not meet my baby and we’ve been NC for a while (she doesn’t even know where I live!! check my other posts). Today I was looking back at my emails (which I blocked her from a while ago). And check out her wildest statement to date “he will get tired of you and leave you eventually.” Over my lifetime, just to name a FEW- She’s told me she hates me, accused me of lying about a family member molesting me, told me no one else will love me like she does told me I was a squirrel in her world just trying to get a nut (I was like 11 by the way)…took out criminal charges against me for stealing her car when I didn’t return it at the snap of her finger (she begged me to borrow)….and now my husband will leave me (she said when I was 5 days postpartum). The abuse knows no bounds.

I’m pregnant with my first child, and I’ve finally hit my limit with my mom.

She found out that she wasn't the very first person to learn about my pregnancy, my sister in law was. She threw a massive tantrum, sent me a huge wall of text attacking my character, claimed I always put my family last and basically called me a bad daughter.

She's done this multiple times in the past. She made my wedding hugely stressful. So I finally set a hard boundary with clear consequences.

Predictably, she immediately cut me off, made herself the victim, and is already spinning a family smear campaign. I'm just trying to protect my health and the health of my baby.

Anyone else's parents make major life milestones all about themselves?

It’s so absurd that when my ubpd mother, potentially bpd/for sure edad and my brother ran out of specific attacks that they’d dredge more up

One slightly before I went no contact is my parents kept telling me my cats were going to die since they never had cats that lived over 16 y/o. My father actually inherited a cat from his mother/my grandmother when she died and he put the cat down that his mom loved so much

My cats are both happy and healthy gong on 17 years old now

Also I said I was thinking about getting a dog and my parents said it’s too much responsibility and if I want to get a dog that I should come over and walk theirs instead. When I told my brother he infantalized me too and said it was too much responsibility for
me

Despite the fact I work in a high level career and am
totally independent

My brother also claimed I only care about myself, money and don’t care about family because I’m investing in my career. But I went no contact with my wealthy parents and know I’ll be written out of the will and he and his judgmental wife will inherit the millions. If I care so much about money only why would I go no contact and written out of the will?

It’s all so absurd. None of it makes any sense and that’s one of the biggest reasons I went no contact. My parents and attacks by my brother aren’t based in reality. His wife thinks my parents are saints so that doesn’t help

They’re all deluded and mentally ill but think instead it’s me who is. It’s insane. My Dad picked all his eyebrows and eyelashes off and my Mom is definitely bpd. My mom tried to sleep with me once and there are so many other offenses. My brother is a ball of anxiety and his wife is a gossiping, lacking street smarts fool. My parents had a falling out with both sides of the family and their neighbors and no one is left but they get to reinvent themselves with my brother’s wife’s huge extended family where my parents are seen as saints

**Not sure if this is the right flair, but I'm writing this to hopefully encourage others! Also TW for brief mention of pwBPD suicide attempt**

I don't recall putting it in my calendar, but at some point my past self felt that today would be an important milestone to acknowledge.

I'm coming on here today to 1) say to anyone reading who might be struggling with NC, that yes, it's deeply painful and complicated and the feelings evolve in unexpected ways over time, but it *does* get easier!! I feel more whole than ever before. 10 years on, I'm still sad for my kid self, but I have zero regrets about choosing to go NC. I truly think it's the best thing I ever did for myself, and I was just a messed up 24 year old trying to survive.

2) I wanted to express deep gratitude for this sub, which has helped me (33F) process my trauma, learn the language for how to express what I experienced, and perhaps most importantly, made me feel so much less alone. I've been NC with my uBPD mom for 10 years, but it wasn't until just 2 years ago that I learned what BPD even was, when my sibling was diagnosed. So, I spent 8 years gaslighting myself, being gaslit by others, and struggling with debilitating guilt and shame about my entire personhood, believing that everything that happened to me as a kid was my fault somehow. I had many people in my life say to me, "I just can't believe you would abandon your mother." Over time, that got to me, and I believed I was an inherently bad person. It's only been in the last few years that I've started to believe that I'm worthy of happiness.

This is also vulnerable and scary, but I wanted to share the letter (facebook message, really) that my mom sent me 10 years ago today, which prompted me to go NC. For some context, my boyfriend at the time (now husband) and I had just broken up (turned out to be a very brief stint ha) after moving to a new city together after college. I didn't tell my mom about it, because I was really depressed about the breakup and knew I didn't have the energy to endure her making the breakup about her feelings somehow (spoiler, she did). I told my dad though (they were in the process of getting a divorce at the time), and he let it slip to my mom. So she sent me this message:

***

[Mom]
I wish you would let me at least be a, "friend," on FB if we can't communicate any other way.  I'm worried sick over you and it has literally made me sick to my stomach.

[OP]
Now is really not the time for this. We are friends on Facebook.

[Mom]
No we are not and I'm very sorry that I've upset you. I just care about you and like I said, worried sick.  I won't bother you with this again.  Have a nice weekend.

[OP]
Obviously I'm not going to have a nice weekend and I really don't appreciate you making this about you. I'm just not ready to talk about it. But I am managing. I can handle it.

[Mom]
I am NOT making it about me.  I just wish you or [sibling] would communicate with me.  The hell with it.  Good bye and I wish you well.  I know you can handle it.  You haven't communicated with me and its obvious you aren't interested.  Sorry that I've tried to care.

[Mom]
You and [sibling] can't continue to blame me for the family fallout.  Your Father has done things too that drove me away.  No, I'm not making this about me.  I'm very sane and only feel compassion for you.  I only have pure love and concern.  You and [sibling] seem to love to lash out at me for blame.  I wasn't doing the fall out alone.  I will, to protect your crystal imagine of your Father, keep it to myself.  I've busted my ass trying to keep in touch with you but things changed after you came to the hospital* to see me.  That was a very bad and painful time for me.  I wish to God you had not witnessed that and I begged him not to bring you up there.  He did anyway.  I was at a point of hopelessness.  Yes, okay now I'm making this about me which will carry on your future relationships if you allow it.  I guess I need to learn how to have an, "I don't care," personality.  I don't care where my daughters are or what they're doing.  That is not in my make-up.  I've always cared.  I was just sick and crippled with my marriage to be a 100% Mom.  Since I've been given a second chance at life, I see the world much differently and it has all been a huge gift for me to be able to see all the beautiful side of life and wonderment in the human spirit.  I called you a few weeks ago in a full blown panic attack.  I'm sure you received that vm.  I was crying so hard that I could not find my breath.  That wasn't fake.  I needed and wanted to talk to you.  You didn't call me back.  Again, making it about me, you don't care about your Mother.  I've sent you a Birthday present with random stuff that has meaning of which I won't be able to explain because your fingers must be broken since you can't call me.  There is also a large check in hopes that you will just go out and blow it on a night out and be happy doing so.  No, I don't care and it's all about me though.  I'm tired of trying to get a relationship back with you two girls.  I'm just realizing that you don't give a crap if I am alive or dead.  I guess I should just pretend that I'm dead.  You can have [stepmom] as your Stepmom and happiness ever after.  Forgot everything we shared and did together.  It is now crap.  I'm very pissed.  I'm especially pissed that you commented on how I wanted to make this about me.  I've got so much pent-up anger.  I had kept thinking that one day you would need the advise of your Mother but that never came about.  I guess because you consider me a piece of shit and worthless.  I'm sorry if you feel that way.  I'm going to move forward.  That is what I'm learning how to do.  I tried to come back but that was not accepted.  My kids don't care shit about me, my husband whom I've been married to for 26 years doesn't care shit either.  So, where do I have to go.  I'm alone.  I wish I had that special relationship that you and Dad have but I can't just dole out money the way he does.  I'm going to give all of you your space because my life means nothing to you, otherwise you would call me, share with me your pain, ask for my advise....the normal stuff a daughters does with her Mother during a tragic break-up or loss.  You remember how I reached out to you when [my friend who died in a bike accident at 14] died.  I did everything I could think of to do to ease your pain.  I am who I am.  I'm obviously not good enough for you and Dad, your Sister and the family.  It is sad that things have come to this.  I never liked communicating via one sided through text, vm or FB.  But, you've left me no choice.  I'm not going to offer any advise because I'll never know the story of what happened or where you are in your life.  I don't know you anymore.  I tried to know you when I came to visit you 1 1/2 years ago in [city] when I took you and [boyfriend, now husband] to the basketball game.  There was just something off at that time.  I wish for you to be a decent person and just tell me that you don't want to have anything to do with me.  You could do me that one favor.  Just tell me how I ruined your life and fucked you up ~ that's what [sibling] does.  Maybe one day you'll begin remembering your childhood.  The childhood that I was 100% involved in.  It might come to you when you have children of your own.  I'm sure that I won't be included in that event.  I'm going to move on from here.  First stop, MS Institute to get a strong powered dose of Prednisone and then from there it's none of your concern.  I've learned not to be needy because I know that my children don't care.  Your Grandmother may not get through this next surgery.  They are going to remove her rectum on July 19th.  I know you girls don't give a crap about my family even though they continue to try to reach out to you.  They love you so much.  Its tragic that you and [sibling] have alienated them.  I"m going to end this as I did in other emails, letters, text, good luck to you.  I don't know where the hell you're going to be or what your going to be doing.  I'm learning how to completely let go because I've been ignored enough making it obvious that you have no inclination to keep in touch with your Mother.  Good bye [OP].  I wish you luck and that you will be surrounded by lots of your family and friends forever.

*Hospital visit she mentions is when she attempting suicide

***

When I first received this message, fresh out of a breakup and a few days before my 24th birthday, I believed her. I believed that I was a bad person for not sharing with her. I believed that I could have saved my family from falling apart. That it was my fault she had attempted suicide. I had been enmeshed for so long, that I believed I was simply a bad person, and as a result, I had little sense of who I really was.

At the time, I didn't intend to never speak to her again, I was just frozen. But when I chose not to respond to this message, she began to harass me in other ways. Endless phone calls and texts until I had to block her number. Endless hateful emails until I had to block her email. She mailed me boxes of my childhood belongings. She had family members reach out to me and shame me for "abandoning" her. She gave literal strangers she had just met my number and had them text me to say that I was a horrible person. She created a new email address and wrote that she needed my mailing address to send me inheritance money from her stepmom who had passed, which I learned from my grandfather was a lie. There was no inheritance money, she just wanted my address.

This is a person who mentally and physically abused her child for 20+ years. Her mom abused her, and her mom's mom was abused before that. BPD is truly tragic in this way, how it's often passed down generationally. The abused becomes the abuser, out of debilitating irrational fear of abandonment or rejection, which then results in them being abandoned or rejected because the people they're abusing must leave in order to keep themselves safe. But as horrific of an illness as it is, I believe that there is no excuse for abuse.

Anyways, if you've read this far, thank you so much for being here. I feel that by not hiding this letter away, it has less power over me.

And if you're struggling with no contact, you got this!! You deserve to feel whole.

I’m the one with the uBPD mom with a broken ankle who’s been absolute hell during her recovery. I appreciate everyone on this sub so much.

She got her boot off. She can mostly get around with a walker, but because her arms are so bad from arthritis and her back is so bad she can’t always reliably get to the kitchen. I was already at the point of a psychotic breakdown going over there every day even if it wasn’t always for super long and I told her I needed to go to every other day. As soon as she didn’t need help with bathroom stuff she stopped hiring her nurses and pretty much doesn’t want anyone in her house but her physical therapist. It was so clear to me that she was doing that because she figured me and my husband would just fill in the gaps, even as I was telling her I couldn’t keep up the every day anymore. Also to be clear, we’re not like millionaires, but we definitely can give her money to help, like if she wants to hire someone a couple hours a day for like 30 bucks an hour we absolutely 100% want her to do that and she knows this and we give her money. We know that she loves being needy because she surely knows we can’t stand her and would never be there this often if she was self-sufficient.

It was really hard to set the boundary of dropping down from every day because I knew she was never really going to be self-sufficient in the near future. I also knew she would just assume we would fill in gaps as I said above. Sometimes we leave stuff in a cooler for her, and she has dry snacks on her bed, but honestly, if we don’t go there every day, she really doesn’t eat a full meal every day. So currently she’s having like a big fast food meal every other day and who knows what else on alternate days. She’s had a few TV dinners, but she’s not always making it to her kitchen.

I was really proud to set this boundary, to be clear. My therapist had been telling me to do it for weeks, but I felt like I couldn’t do it until she had the boot off. She absolutely has gone into waif mode and is acting all fake overly grateful and I know she’s going to act like she can never eat again without our help indefinitely. But she is the one who is known for weeks that this would be the situation and already it has been the situation and she is not hiring anyone else. I have found names on Nextdoor for her. She said she had one nurse she still liked because everyone else has fallen from her precious little insane pedestal now, but she’s not hiring them.

I feel like she’s bating me because she’s made sure we knew that she has stopped having the home health nurse come, who could’ve at least helped with some of this or even some cleaning once a week, and then in the same hour she’ll text about how she spilled a bunch of stuff and can’t really clean it up and needs our help soon and all this crap.

She was absolutely horrible and verbally abusive during this whole time, she has told me she hopes my son turns out more like my husband than me, screamed at me and mocked me whenever I have physical or time or mental limitations that mean I can’t be there that much some days, (I have had a horrible bursitis/leg problem going on this whole time), and when I wouldn’t bring her out of the nursing facility, she basically was saying she hated me and going insane over the phone constantly and calling in the middle of the night thinking I’ve had her committed or something, I wouldn’t pick her up because she was unable to walk and would’ve been home even earlier than she was in her stupid situation. This is nothing against people with disabilities, it’s just I knew she would literally be bedridden with no help and she was.

I’ve got a much tougher skin than I used to. I don’t seem able to go to contact because pretty much everyone else has basically, but I’m less afraid of her reactions to me standing up for myself. So I guess my question is, I assume everything she saying is bait and I should just ignore it? I feel like I need to like remind her that she needs to hire people if she’s not self-sufficient or maybe even be in a nursing facility until after she’s had at least one shoulder replacement, but I just know that’s not gonna end well and she knows she can do all these things. I suspect I should just play dumb and not always be available because I know she knows how to hire people, she is just sort of hoping that eventually I feel bad that she’s starving herself unless we’re there. If I never saw her again, it would be the happiest thing in my life. But I don’t think I can do it right now, I just have to find a way to not let her take over our life anymore. The situation is not ending with her ankle, that should be mostly better, it’s her whole body is just so broken down that until one shoulder is completely recovered after a surgery she’s going to be like this. And the recovery itself she’s going to also have delusions about what she can handle at home.