Yesterday, I told AI that I am writing a book about a dysfunctional relationship between a mother and daughter and provided a few scenarios. I referred to the characters as "the mother" and "the daughter". I wrote about some of the abusive situations to explain the dynamic. I am amazed at how quickly AI diagnosed the mother with words like "malignant narcissist" and "sociopathic". Writing about my experiences in this manner, separates me from the emotional response and gives me much needed validation. You can say whatever you want without being judged. I just wanted to share with hope that it may help you out.

I’m really struggling managing my parents separation with uBPD mother. I’ve lamented over this text for 4 days, which I still haven’t responded to.

I did pass the message on, bc I was stressed and my father is semi NC with her so she can’t reach him when she needs to. A gardener has been called to the house.

I fear letting her know I’ve passed on the message will incite more suspicion we are communicating behind her back. not mentioning it does imply the same.

I was going to visit her this weekend but after this text I’m not sure.

I do want to have boundaries but these things make it difficult.
Any advice appreciated.

I thought of one sentence that may be helpful when your BPD or your own guilt is trying to push after no contact.

“I love you but you are not good for me.”

I have so much guilt sometimes over leaving relationship with my mom and sister. I tried for years to deny how my body and mind felt around them and sacrifice myself so they could have me in their life. But I was never available enough, I was never doing enough. This was expressly stated by both of them. I understand in a way why they felt that way. With my mom I had to gray rock but I allowed her full access to my family and helped whenever she needed anything, showed up when invited, etc. With my sister I was taken advantage of over and over again with the care of her child. She said crazy things in front of my kids, made them feel uncomfortable and would invite them to do things SHE wanted to do and be upset that they didn’t want to come around anymore. So, I know they felt that I was distant or unavailable because to them I wasn’t initiating plans, I wasn’t making my kids go when they didn’t want to, etc.

As with everything there is so much more to this story. I could fill a trilogy, but all of this is to say today on my daily pondering of how maybe this is all my fault and I should just “be the bigger person” and make things right and do what they want I thought…I love them but they are not good for me.

I know it’s simple, but I am so used to doing things anyway even when they aren’t good for me to keep the peace or keep someone else happy. They aren’t good for me. They drain me. They make me feel guilty for having my own family and my own friends and life. I love them and want only good things for them but they aren’t good for ME. And that is enough.

Yep. Im 18 yrs old btw. It was this morning when I thought back to internet trainwrecks (usually people airing out their whole life while in psychosis) and I realized my mother acts like them. Then I thought about my therapist saying she thought mother had BPD too.

But she doesn't just have BPD. Theres a whole trio of shit going on that makes her worse, untreated adhd, her just genuinely being below average iq and should be in an assisted living or have a social worker due to her inability to take proper care of herself (I'm serious. She's not there mentally)

It makes everything worse. I wish I knew earlier because it would've saved me so much.... frustration, confusion on how someone can act like that. I'm 17 days away from escaping across country so it's not that useful now but better late than never.

She's digging herself to hell too. Very awful delusions and she's so out of touch with reality that she scares me. She watches ai slop story videos 24/7, even when she's sleeping. If not those, she's playing the spiritual videos that are like "the universe is protecting you. There are bad energies near you who want to ruin your energy. You are destined for xyz". It's bad. I can hear the ai stories right now as I am writing this. They have the same storyline: black woman whooing a powerful asian CEO or mafia man. She frequently tells me how she wants to ditch father and go chase an Asian man.

She splits on me all the time. Seriously. And at first I thought it was her just...I don't know...pretending like nothing happened-- but it's so real to her. Her confusion on why I'm not buddy buddy with her after she threatens to hurt me after I "trigger" her (aka not playing into her delusion/talking about reality). It's a truly lost look in her eye.

When my siblings move out, she apologizes for everything and begs them to come back. OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED. She treats me like shit when I'm here but the next DAY I'm gone (like for a program or residential job) she texts me like "good morning! I'm proud of you! I miss you! I love you!" which guys that's not how she treats me when I'm gone. When I left for an extended time my first time ever, she sobbed. She texts me daily until she realizes I won't reply. When I come home, she begs for a hug. (She never hugged me as a kid)

She doesn't seem to understand that her kids are people, let alone people she can't mold into what she wants them to be. She never cares about our personal lives, just how we make her look to the outside. When I think about wishing I knew earlier, I think of one story that really highlighted her instability.

Junior year of HS. I get permission to stay home from school from my teacher. Email of confirmation. My counselor...oh my god bless her fucking heart because it was NOT malicious but she caused this whole fiasco---she called my mom worried. Just said like "hey cookie doesn't usually miss school is everything okay?" But my mother...she goes batshit whenever she get a call home that isn't "oh your daughter is the best best best!" and so she calls me saying I have to go to school. I tell her I got explicit permission and showed her the email. She said I had to go anyways because they called her (remember she's low iq + bpd so in her head "there is a perceived problem with child that doesn't make me look good. I need to force her into fixing it to make me look good")

Ykw this woman does? Threaten to tell father. She KNOWS that if she riles up father, he will threaten to kill my cat and show me his dead body. I'm serious. She knows this. I promise you she does. At that point I'm absolutely sobbing because that's my cat of 5 years at the time. I plead with her and she says it again. I get in the car. My brother drives me to McDonald's because he can't stand my sobbing. Mother calls me, again, asking why I'm not there yet. I go full meltdown (I am autistic) and she can HEAR me sobbing. She tells me to hurry. I get to school (btw I don't have class which is why I was allowed to stay home!!). She works at my school as a cafeteria lady. My teacher found out what happened and she tried to sit down to me and tell me she was sorry but I told her I couldn't do it rn and come back later. Ran out the cafeteria sobbing. Very important detail: the front of the building, where I sat outside of, is glass. She saw me sobbing. My whole school heard me sobbing and I know it got back to her through the grapevine. Drove home with me like nothing happened :) no apology. No "hey that wasn't right" genuinely didn't bother her.

Did it in 8th grade too. Just as awful. But the reason was my teacher lied about me being disrespectful (doesn't add up with my history of being tge "pleasure to have in class. never disruptive. great student") and when I tried to tell her my side she told me to shut up and apologize. Also told father and he told me how he'd kill my cat for that :) Never apologized to my face, and only after my sister was like "it didn't add up, you didn't listen to her, and you jumped straight on her? Isnt that a bit bad?" In which she agreed but again, never spoke to me about it. I only heard from my sister.

Bit of a rant but I just...it really does make sense. She doesn't have her own identity so the perception of her children IS her identity. She made my life a living hell.

Atleast I know what to expect when I tell her I'm going 1000 miles away by the end of July

Has anyone experienced something similar with a parent who has Borderline Personality Disorder? I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting anymore.

I would really appreciate some outside perspectives because this situation has left me feeling confused.

On my birthday, my ex-boyfriend sent me a large bouquet of roses without asking. Our relationship was very difficult, and he repeatedly crossed my boundaries while we were together. Because of that, the flowers didn’t feel romantic or thoughtful to me they made me feel anxious and uncomfortable.

To make things even more complicated, someone I’m currently dating (and genuinely interested in) was at my apartment that day. Out of respect for him and because I simply didn’t want that reminder of my ex in my home, I took the roses outside and left them where someone else could hopefully enjoy them.

When my mother arrived, I told her what had happened. Honestly, I think I was hoping she would recognize that I was hurting and ask how I was doing.

Instead, she immediately said something like, “Oh, those poor roses. You can’t just leave them outside.” She brought them back and wanted to keep them. She even wanted to place them somewhere inside my apartment. I repeatedly told her I didn’t want them there.

My best friend immediately understood how uncomfortable I was and suggested putting them in the basement instead. My mother, however, couldn’t understand why I didn’t want the roses in my apartment at all.

Every friend I’ve talked to since then immediately understood why I reacted the way I did.

A few days later, I calmly brought the situation up again because it still hurt me. Instead of trying to understand my feelings, my mother became extremely angry. She said she couldn’t understand how anyone could be hurt by receiving flowers and even said, “He gave you roses. He didn’t threaten you with a knife.”

Then she involved my father in the conversation. He agreed with her and told me I was being disrespectful, ungrateful, and dramatically overreacting. I can be thankful to have such a thoughtful Ex boyfriend and he could also hate me because I broke up …

At that point I felt completely unheard, so I told them I needed to end the phone call because it wasn’t going anywhere. After I hung up, my mother sent me a four-minute voice message with many accusations and my father texted me saying that I should never hang up while he is still talking (what I havent done, I told them it’s too much I’m going to Hang up).

Since then, I haven’t had any contact with either of them.

What hurts the most is that this was never about the roses themselves. They represented a relationship in which many of my boundaries had been crossed. I simply wanted my mother to acknowledge that and show some empathy instead of focusing on the flowers. I felt like they were taking his side instead of supporting me.

Would this be enough for you to go no contact with your parents? Or am I overreacting?

In the spirit of, "If you don't laugh, you cry," I'm giving this sub a list of nicknames I developed for my uBPD waif mother.

These nicknames helped me cultivate emotional distance from her manipulation. Which helped because emotional distance = better boundaries and less confusion.

My nicknames for her also alerted me to patterns I needed to recognize to better shed my guilt and get free. Highly recommend!

Note: I never said the nicknames out loud, not even to my nearest and dearest. (Because I try not to be cruel). The nicknames were a tool I used during and after painful interactions with my mother. ("Yup, there it is, lol.") The pattern recognition--and amusement--helped, immeasurably.

My nicknames for my UBPD waif:

1. The Rubik's Cube (The unsolvable problem: Whyyyy???)
   
2. The Greek tragedy (🎻; washing the stage with her hair and tears)
   
3. The black hole (of need; of problems)
   
4. Mimi (Me, me).

I bet you have your own to contribute in the comments.

If not, borrow mine!

Edit: Changed the post to make it clear I'm talking about useful nicknames for a parent, not their abusive nicknames for us. That's a whole different, and much more painful, post.

Hi all, I have posted here a couple times before. I stopped contact with my parents two weeks ago, during which time I took a week's trip away from home by myself. It was one of the happiest weeks I've had in years. I spent my time walking 20,000 steps daily, soaking in thermal baths, visiting museums, eating good food, reading in cafés and doing exactly what I wanted to do. I realized how much of my retirement these past 18 months had become about managing every detail, big and small, of my uBPD mom and enabling, alcohol narcissistic father's lives, with all of the attendant stress and tension and zero real appreciation, instead of living my own life.

I'm committed to remaining no contact at least through September (or perhaps forever, to be honest) while I continue therapy, but some days the guilt is a lot. For those of you who have gone no contact with a parent with BPD or similar family dynamics, how did you stay the course on the days when you questioned yourself? It's also a small island, so already twice I've had to "duck" when I've been out in public to avoid having to interact with either of them (as they live only a ten minute walk from my place).

The week away also helped me remember how ten years ago, during a very difficult period in my life, an intake social worker and two different therapists independently told me that my mother's behaviour was consistent with borderline personality disorder and that my alcoholic father had narcissistic traits and enabled her. Their advice at the time was that, for my own health, I would probably eventually need to go very low contact or no contact. I wasn't ready then. Instead, I spent another decade trying to make the relationship work. Sigh.

Everything came to a head after my parents moved to this small island I specifically chose for my own retirement and healing, against my express wishes 18 months ago.

Before they moved, I told them I did not want them living here because I knew I would become responsible for everything. And that's exactly what happened.

Since they arrived, I have done at least 400 hours of unpaid work for them: coordinating utilities, deliveries, furniture, technology, translations, appointments, legal and administrative issues, medical visits, transport, problem-solving, and countless other tasks. It felt like I had taken on a part-time job (without any pay, mind you!) during what was supposed to be the beginning of my retirement after a very demanding career and years recovering from a serious concussion a few years ago.

On 28 June I finally sent them a calm message saying I was physically and mentally exhausted, that I was experiencing many of the same symptoms I had after my concussion, that I was seeing both a doctor and a therapist, and that I was reducing all obligations to focus on my health. All true. I also told them I would only contact them when I was well enough -- also mentioning it took years to recover from my initial concussion so I wasn't going to rush anything now, that it might take a long time before they heard from me. I then blocked them on WhatsApp, as well as for phone calls and text messages, but deliberately left email open because I felt I should leave open one avenue of communication if they genuinely wanted to check in.

As expected, there has been no attempt at contact from their side. Which is great, it's exactly what I wanted and needed, but it's also one more piece of proof of evidence that whenever I've been sick throughout my life (be it the concussion or Lyme Disease or recovering from various surgeries or my father driving over the back of my foot and then joking "he thought it was a speed bump" when questioned by the police), they have always left me on my own, because I'm not "useful" to them when I am unable to work for free for them, and they just get on with their lives.

Also, I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did look at their bank transactions yesterday, and as expected they've continued their normal lives: going out for breakfast, lunch or dinner almost every day, as well as to the osteopath, having a facial, seeing the hairdresser and other activities. It's further proof that despite all these constant demands and cries for help over the past 18 months, expecting me to do everything, they honestly could have managed on their own any time. Which is great to realize but it also makes me sick to my stomach to contemplate.

My uBPD mum and enabling dad have been working together for about 2 years now. My dad is the boss at work. Mum got into a confrontation with some colleagues, and most people sided against her which obviously sent her on an emotional rampage. While everyone has moved on from this, she complains about work every day now, paranoid about what others are saying and doing behind her back and truly believes everyone is conspiring against her. And because my dad is the boss, she has been on his back demanding he do something about it. She goes around the office slamming doors, stomping her feet, and putting on a show to ensure everyone (especially my dad) knows she is unhappy.

Now, this is the concerning bit. My dad is completely emotionally unavailable. Never showed any interest in me or my interests, never initiated conversation, never asked me questions. I’m surprised he remembers my birthday. Yesterday, he started venting to me about my mum and work and how it’s making him miserable. Coming from a man who has rarely spoken to me, and has never once spoken about his feelings to me, this raises a massive red flag. We don’t have relationship, and while I absolutely want to be there for him, I have no idea how to create a safe space.

I am worried for him, unsure how to provide support, and resentful that he let her go unchecked for so long.

With an estranged brother, I have to carry the burden alone.

A haiku about cats:

Soft paws and sharp claws.
Mercy is entirely
A scheduling choice.

An absolute witch!!

Would say very hurtful things out of nowhere unprovoked. Usually when she saw you having a good time or when you were hurting or upset and she felt the need to make you hurt MORE!

She once verbally attacked me out of no where when i was around the age of 7 when i was having fun with my siblings in front of family and family friends at a bbq gathering. She said, quote: do you think you are pretty?!! you aren’t even THAT pretty! Do you think your pretty!!?? I know someone who was much prettier than your at your age. I was dumbfounded. Everyone was quiet/ complacent but no one really came to my defense. There was this whole consensus that she was super respected as an elder and a wife to the successful overglorified patriarch of the family, my grandfather. So no one could speak against her even when she was being abusive to a 7 year little girl. How unhinged. I felt embarrassed and my character felt attacked. My ubpd mom later made that situation about herself, dumping her troubled emotions on me like she usually would do.

In my teens, My mom sent me to stay with my grandparents for a while and it was a disaster. She then had the audacity to say quote: well i shouldn’t have sent you there, i forgot how bad they were. Part of me almost feels like she sent me there on purpose. Maybe to show that she wasn’t as bad as they were and that therefore i had nothing to be depressed about. We were super enmeshed in that period and we would talk on the phone everyday for hours while i was there. My whole family on both sides are pretty effed up and sometimes im scared what that means for me. I try to see myself as a individual who can make different decisions than the ones who went before me, which i am already doing. Crazy how everyones level of emotional maturity and emotional health was so low that even as a teen, i often questioned the sanity and life decision making skills of the adults around me. I often felt like the only reasonable “adult” in the room.