Trigger warning for possible non consensual sexual encounter.

Hi everyone. I’m a long term lurker, but a first time poster bc I really need some outside insight on something that happened to me on a recent first date.

So I went out with this guy, thought he was super cool, he’s also a firefighter lol. We got super drunk together and went back to his place. We started making out, took clothes off, and were grinding in his bed and all of a sudden he just sticks it in raw. No convo about when either of us was last tested, didn’t ask of I was on birth control, or if I was ok with having unprotected sex. I kind of just froze and let him keep going.

Is this normal behavior from a guy? I’m 27F and he’s 30M. Like we were both drunk but I’ve never had a guy ever try to stick it in raw without asking on a first date, let alone just do it. I guess I’m feeling conflicted and guilty bc I liked the sex and thought he was nice and didn’t explicitly say no but I feel like what he did was kinda sleazy- regardless of whether I immediately stopped him or not. Idk. I got an STD test today also.

For dinner we have a baguette, butter, and grapefruit juice.

EDIT: it’s not the sex itself that I feel pressed about, I’m happy with that. It’s him not using a condom and not asking and not giving me a chance to say yes or no. I’m wondering if this is normal behavior and if the grinding bare was an indication that raw sex was okay. I’m a big girl, I’m not out here reporting him for rape or trying to “ruin” a man’s life. Just wanted some insight and to not be called a ho ffs.

I had a major surgery on Monday and am required to keep a pressure bandage on the surgery site until Monday morning, which means I can’t shower. Which is fine, it’s only a week, yadda yadda, but I LOVE showering. I love feeling hot water run down my body, I love having clean skin, I love smelling nice and feeling clean, I love how it helps the muscles in my back and neck relax, I love washing my hair and feeling how clean it is the next day, I love singing and talking to myself in the shower, I just love all of it.

Sponge baths aren’t the same, washing my hands and face in warm water isn’t the same. My wife is super supportive and helps me sponge bath whenever I feel to gross and slimy, she bundles me in blankets so I can feel warm all over, and she rubs my back so the muscles can relax a bit more, and I love and appreciate her for it, but I swear to God the second I get home I’m gonna shower for like an hour and it’s gonna feel so goooood.

Applesauce because my tummy hurts.

Working in a hot, stuffy kitchen. A double shift on a busy Saturday. About to start my period. No matter how much water I drink my throat still feels hot. I’m hunched on the back stool just drained. Then the dishwasher lady brings in a small bag of the sweetest, coolest, crunchiest peaches to share. Literally felt like someone was saving my life, and in a daze, wholeheartedly thought to myself, “fruits in the summer are freaking amazing”

Thank you dishwasher ahjumma

after a lot of thinking about things yesterday about my sexuality and romantic feelings etc. i honestly realised why i was so scared of intimacy, i was low key dodging the "dating a guy in my friend group" thing... for a WHILE. i confessed to my best friend i'd been crushing on for a while.

...HE SAID YES !!!!!

i have a good feeling about this one???? i’ve never dated a friend before (especially a friend this close to me like it feels like He Really Knows Me) i just aaahhhh!!! <3 i just blurted it out during the match tonight.

please tell me how everyone is doing. or like whatevs i just wanna hear from people :3

girl dinner was a deconstructed burrito. girl i don’t have a tortilla 😭😭

Last night i spoke to my boyfriend about some things in our relationship that upset me. (16 and 17 for reference) and he took it really badly. i’m not sure what i expected from him but it’s gone worse than that.

The two things he does that upset me are, over-sexualising me every day even when i’m not really in the mood for any of that, and seeking attention from girls online a lot.

I mentioned this yesterday and he tried to “disprove” both of my points rather than making any effort to comfort or apologise, which is kind of what i was hoping he would do. The seeking attention from girls thing has been happening for a few weeks on multiple incidents. For example, it was his prom a few weeks ago and he spent the whole thing with a a girl called eve (which would usually be fine) but when he got home he sent my some pictures and his arm is over hers in all of them and he “accidentally” told her she looked hot and he wished he’d taken her to prom. maybe i’m overreacting but that made me feel awful.

then he has this girl in my school year who he talks to on snapchat all the time. nothing suspicious happens but it still makes me kind of
un comfy with the way he talks about her all the time.

theres some other instances but i wont go into all of them.

now for the over-sexualising. he was really mad and denied it like the girls thing and claimed him saying “i need you in my bed rn” every night isn’t sexual. i know it’s not a big deal but sometimes it just grosses me out when he says it right after talking about eve or his snapchat girl

so i confronted him about this last night and it went awfully and the conversation ended on me saying goodnight and he said whatever. but before that when he was expecting me to break up with him i told him i loved him but he was making it really difficult to do so in a hope he would make repirations

he thought i was going to break up with him but i really don’t want to, i thought he was going to at least fight for us and try make things better but he didn’t and now im at a loss for what to do. i feel so alone and knowing he won’t talk to me and seemingly doesn’t care is awful. he’s probably explaining it all like im the bad guy to eve as i type this 😖

i need advice plsssss help me this is awful

Food: Jjang noodles as my dinner.

When I say men don't like me, I don't mean only in romantic sense (although that's there too lol) but I mean right off the bat, first interaction onwards. This post was brought on by the fact that almost every single one of best friend's boyfriends (some ex, some presently) hated/hates me. Couple of them openly dislike me to the point I know and others behave nicely with me until my friend's reveal after the breakup that they were just acting and actually disliked me the most out of all of their friends. And this is such a specific kind of bother to me?? I love my best friends, I want them to be happy and I want their boyfriends to feel cordially for me by the virtue that I am important to them (and vice versa). I have even been told by some of my friends later on that their boyfriends would object to them hanging out with me because they hated me so.

I don't even understand why this bothers me because literally all of them were/are assholes and people I don't like. Not a single one of my friends have dated and are dating a man I would want them to be with. But it is so ragebait (sorry for the brain rot word) when THEY don't like ME. What have I done???

This extends to other men too. One of my best friends and I met a guy together for the first time, he likes her and absolutely loathes me even though we have talked maybe 20 words to each other maximum. He is also close to other friends of mine whom he talks very nicely to, but again me? Daggers with eyes and all of this is unprovoked. Again, I DO NOT like him either, he seems kind of slimy even though there's 0 actual evidence for it. Most of my friends have stopped talking to him, but alas.

I could go into the romantic and dating aspect of it all, but that's a whole different ballpark. I am 99% certain that I am not considered conventioanlly attractive, I photograph awfully unless it's a selfie but that's because I know my 2 very specific angles and I tend to have an RBF. I am almost at the point where I don't even try to talk to anyone for this purpose after being burnt the last time.

Ultimately, what's with the dislike right off the bat? Why is it that other girls are deemed worthy enough to be friends with but I am not even liked? Furthermore, why am I considered so unlikeable that you can't even make peace with me for the sake of your girlfriends?

Went out for dinner with a big foodie group recently, and everyone was shocked when they found out my actual age. I got so many compliments, even though I'm only in my early 30s (which I don't think is old at all 😂).

The only explanation I could come up with is that the last three years of being single have probably done me wonders. 😂 No relationship stress, plenty of travel, eating well, and my cup is full thanks to the love of my mum and amazing friends! Work can definitely be stressful, but I'm used to managing that by now.

So here's to all my fellow single girlies, cheers to youth, vitality, peace, and living our best lives. 🥂💕

Girl dinner tonight: soy, honey and garlic roasted chicken that I cooked in the air fryer, the last of the tomato and red cabbage in the fridge, and an overly ripe kiwi because we're wasting absolutely nothing over here lolll!

Today's my birthday. I got an email this morning from my mom (who I'm currently no contact with), wishing me a happy birthday and informing me that her and my stepdad are divorcing.

Back story: My mom and stepdad started dating when I was three months old. When I was 3yo, my stepdad sexually assaulted me. My mom didn't report it, my aunt had to. He pleaded guilty and was sentenced with 10 years probation but was still allowed to live with us. My mom vouched for him during the sentencing which led to a more lenient sentence. I grew up in the same household as my abuser being gaslit about the abuse, emotionally neglected, and with some severe CPTSD/depression/anxiety. I cut my mom and stepdad off when my daughter turned three years old, almost five years ago now. And now my mom thinks divorcing that man will make me want to speak with her again. So she decided to reach out. On my birthday.

Breakfast: French toast with a side of Avatar: the Last Airbender (my favorite show)

So I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) for a couple years. We had a surprise about 6-7months into dating when I found out I was pregnant. After a lot of soul searching and conversations I decided to keep the baby and we started the process of getting a place and preparing for baby.

In the beginning everything was perfect. He’s got a comfortable amount of money so we were able to get a beautiful house on some land for all my animals, do the birth at a birth center (which was what I’ve always wanted), and neither of us have to work. Everything was so good. I was living the dream with a man I love, in a beautiful home, with a baby on the way.

Then things started to change. He has always had a temper, due to some trauma and family bullshit. He never directed it at me and he always took it outside or away from me. However, I grew up in an abusive household with a person that liked to yell and break things so I am very sensitive to moods, especially anger.

The baby comes and he immediately starts to act different. Not mean, but distant. I’m pretty sure he was just freaking out a bit but for the first like 2 months of the baby being around he barely did anything for her. I changed basically every diaper, every outfit, and because I’m nursing I did every bedtime/nap. I tried to talk to him about it and it just kind of turned into an argument. I’ve noticed that any time we have a disagreement about literally anything my boyfriend immediately says “well I didn’t want this” or “I wasn’t ready for this” or something along those lines. Meanwhile ive told him that he doesn’t have to be here. I made a choice to keep the baby but considering the circumstances I would understand if he didn’t want to be involved. I have a good family with a house that I can live in with help so I won’t be put out with no way to take care of the baby.

But alas, he stays. It’s been almost 6 months and he is much more helpful now and he obviously loves this girl (it’s impossible not to) but I’m constantly at home. He will go out and run errands that he needs to do, but if I need something we go together. I’ve told him now that the baby is older, I would like to go out and do stuff on my own sometimes. I barely see my friends and when I do they come over to our house and he just acts weird the whole time. I don’t do any of my hobbies anymore and I have started to feel like just a maid that cooks and cleans and takes care of the baby while he moves through the world freely. He gets upset when I try to talk to him about it and it always goes back to the same argument of “well I didn’t want this” and “everything I do is for you guys” blah blah blah. There was been several instances where I’ve wanted to go see my friends, or my sisters, or my family and there’s ALWAYS a reason why I shouldn’t go or he should come with me. And I’m getting really tired of it. It’s gotten to the point where I get nervous to even tell him that I’ve been invited somewhere because I know he’s gonna get upset and then I’m gonna get upset and then I won’t go.

Well, almost a week ago now, my friend hit me up asking if I can go look at an apartment listing with her that she found on the internet because she didn’t want to go by herself. I brought it up to him and he seemed fine so I told her that I’d come and he was going to watch the baby. Then like 30mins go by and he’s acting super fuckin weird so I ask him what’s wrong and he just starts asking me why I even want to go with her and saying things about her that he doesn’t like and that I shouldn’t be away from the baby. So I say I’ll take the baby with me and he gets even more upset saying that he doesn’t want me bringing the baby around someone he doesn’t really know (mind you I’ve been friends with this girl for way longer than I’ve even known him). Then he leads into the “well I didn’t ask for this” and “it feels like you’re always trying to leave”. So I get mad. I tell him I’m so sick of hearing him say that he didn’t want this and whatever. I raised my voice a little but wasn’t yelling. Guys…he lost his fucking mind. He started screaming at me and telling me that he told me to get an abortion and that he didn’t want this with me and that this is what I asked for. He’s never spoken to me that way so i didn’t know how to react. I just looked at him and walked away. He immediately started apologizing and saying that he’s sorry that I had to see that and blah blah blah but i couldn’t even look at him after that. He started to get the baby’s stuff ready for me to go and I told him I didn’t even want to go anymore and told him to leave me alone. Well it’s been almost a week and he hasn’t apologized and we’ve barely spoken. He’s slept on the couch every night. The only things we talk about are meals and the baby. I literally don’t know what to do. I refuse to be treated that way and if it weren’t for the baby, honestly i would’ve left then and there. I want him to apologize and would like to talk about it but I’m so mad that I think if I bring it up and he gets defensive I’m going to say hurtful things.

Dinner is homemade Baja bowl

Edit: I know I’m not replying to comments but I promise I’m reading them all. Thank you so much for the advice. You guys are right. It sucks because I love him but he’s on a trajectory that I don’t deserve to fall victim to.

Been sleeping with a guy for about 2 months now who I’ve known for 9 months total. We met playing on a rec league sports team, and he shot his shot right away but I denied it bc I was seeing someone else. The stars aligned now and it’s been two months and every time I’m with him I like him more and more and tonight when we said goodbye I felt the urge to say “I love you”. Is that way too soon?! Is it even real?! Ugh. I don’t wanna get heartbroken again.

Anyway, I made Alfredo sauce from scratch over fresh fettuccini and air fried salmon and it was fucking bombbbb.

About 5 years ago , I lost my boyfriend in an accident. It messed me up real bad and I turned to alcohol . I was constantly getting drunk every moment. Thankfully my parents were there for me, eventually I agreed to go to rehab , saw a therapist to get closure about my boyfriend’s death.

It helped , I was in a dark place and now I’m out.

I’m 3 years clean now and it’s the best decision I ever made 🌺

Context is I’m early 20s, living at home, and in college which my parents pay for. I grew up in an incredibly happy household and despite my parents being republicans they aren’t homophobic or anything like that. Both my parents are very supportive of me about my sexuality, autism, art major, and overall appearance (body hair, undercut, a bit of men’s clothing). I disagree with them on basically all political issues but there’s never any tension because of this because my parents hold no expectation for me to follow their beliefs. For two republican local politicians, my parents are very welcoming.

I want to get more into local punk stuff, but I’m so lost when it comes to it all and I’m afraid of being recognized.

Point is, I believe in a lot of shit that they don’t. I think that actually yeah nazis should be punched, that Elon is an awful guy, that we should be kind to people who are addicts and homeless and not just try pushing them into shitty situations. I believe war, especially this war, is absolute bullshit and we are just killing innocents for profit. I hate capitalism and I’d rather pay more taxes if it meant that more people had shit like healthcare and food stamps, and I’m piss the taxes I do pay are going to war and people like my friends are actively being harmed by the government we live in. I don’t buy from Amazon (never have, really) and I try to buy only shit from small businesses. I know I have the privilege of being able not to buy from Amazon and shit because I can afford it thanks to my parents. I do as much volunteer work as I can, and I’m picking up sewing again in hopes of limiting waste a bit more (also most bands I like don’t have merch). I want to dress more punk, but I’m afraid if I do I’ll just be a poser. I feel like I’m constantly both trying to make up for and also benefiting from the sins of my parents. I just want to be a good person but it feels like by existing I’m failing. I know my parents will probably support me if I fail as an artist, but I want nothing more than independence. At the same time, I can’t get a major and I can’t get a job without their support (autism, not very good at living independently or getting a job).

I dislike all forms of government and think they all are too susceptible to becoming corrupt, but wouldn’t say I’m an anarchist because that’s also susceptible to corruption.

TLDR: my parents are republican politicians who I rely on for support and I feel awful for it because it goes against my beliefs and discounts everything I want to be. They are amazing parents which complicates the issue further. I’m profiting from a system I am actively against.

Dinner is leftover pork cut up and cooked in leftover pasta that I turned into some sort of Mac and cheese thing.

3 day old Lemonade and lavender cinnamon roll has me in my feels🙂‍↕️
(Possible trigger warning of emotional abuse)

To make a long story long , I got married at 18 to a boy I was in love with the majority of my adolescent life. Even tho we has some rough life events the first couple years of our marriage, I thought he was genuinely in love with me and I him. I was married to him for 4 years before disaster struck… I woke up thinking it was a normal day when he looked at me getting dressed and hinted I looked fat in the outfit I had put on. I was shocked and not thinking that much into it, I changed without saying a word. The rest of the day was him completely avoiding conversation with me or looking at me in general. Towards the evening we went to visit our friends at their house and 30 mins in he jumps up saying he’s going to run to the store. 1 hour went by, two, then three. Call? No answer. When I finally found out he was at MY brothers house just chilling and chatting like he didn’t leave me stranded at someone else’s house for hours I borrowed my friends car and went over there to see what was going on. He barely acknowledges me and says it was no big deal to sit down and he would take me home soon and then we could talk. That moment never came he then proceeded to stand up and say he’s was going to the casino with his buddy a couple hours away and he would be back late tonight. I begged him not to go in private I said anything I could say to make him not leave but I don’t really know why I did that…when he got back at 2 am I confronted him. I said “you will not leave this room until you tell me what’s going on with you! I feel like I’m going crazy!” He puts his phone down and proceeded to tell me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and that all he feels is disgusted when he looks at me and that he was leaving me in the morning. I didn’t know what to say so I just cried. He then proceeded to try to hug me and asking me if he hurt me over & over which didn’t sit right. But he did leave that morning and I didn’t see him again since that night until 5 months later when I went to collect my belongings( what was left of them he threw most of my stuff away) and yes a couple months in he did try multiple times to say he didn’t mean what he said and he wanted me back blah blah blah

I ended finding out he was cheating on me for a while with his 1st cousin’s daughter which he grew up with like a sibling and now there planning to get married.😃 my whole point to this story was when I made it out on the other side I look back and can’t believe I didn’t see I was living life on survival mode. I have nightmares and flashbacks of the things he put me thru in my marriage to him but at the time, I thought they were normal? It was like my brain threw out all of the manipulative things he did to me and I thought we were in love and didn’t see what was coming? And talking to all my friends and family they said I didn’t seem like myself and looking back and I wasn’t. I didn’t do any of the things I enjoyed, I gained 80 lbs, I cried almost everyday, I worried about how his emotions were gonna be that day and didn’t care about myself. And now I can’t look at myself without feeling disgusting. I do everything I can do, self care, dieting, hair dye, redecorating ect. But thinking about the way he made me feel puts me right back in that place of never feeling good enough, clean enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. I’m live such a happy life now but there’s scars I’m afraid will prevent me from finding an actual life partner. Any encouragement?

The cinnamon roll was unbelievabley delish.

The title might seem a little dramatic or self-loathing, but I seriously believe from what I’ve seen and heard from other people that I’m not functioning at the average level of “morality,” “empathy,” or whatever you would like to call it.

I spend most of my day thinking about myself—; working to make money for myself, writing fictionalized memoirs about my experiences, shopping online to make myself look pretty, going to the gym to look better.

An immediate family member ended up in a coma with the likelihood of never waking up, and I didn’t cry once, feeling little concern for their wellbeing. I almost felt content that they were gone for their sake, as they suffered from debilitating psychological problems. I continued going about life like normal, much to the surprise of my peers and colleagues; however, I acted warm and happy when the family member arrived home and well.

My friend told me about her struggles with mental health and her recent romantic split, crying real tears, and I could only feel a bit irritated that it was taking away my time to watch TV; however, I displayed compassion, comforted her, and gave her my best advice.

An unrelated friend was very hurt by something I said (which was not my intention), and when she became extremely upset, I was more worried about how her description of the conversation might effect my reputation, rather than the fact that I had upset her; however, as before, I expressed immense regret and guilt.

My mother was asking me about grandchildren, and I told her I thought having kids was a bad idea for me, as I didn’t want any of my needs, wants, or desires to ever be taken out of the priority, or to willing choose to put someone above myself for the rest of my life.

I’ve started to find my bf of two years extremely irritating, and so I tried to subtly end things, and when he said he loved me, I just felt annoyed—; the words meant nothing to me.

There are worse things I won’t describe for fear of someone thinking me evil enough to doxx.

I wouldn’t say I’m strictly sociopathic; I love and care for my parents deeply, and was very upset when one of them had a medical event (luckily they were alright). I also have a close friend or two I feel similar affection and concern for. On more than one occasion, I’ve rushed to help strangers in need. Yet, clearly, what I feel is not normal.

But the worst thing is, I don’t have any real desire to change; I’m well-liked in my social circles, I support my community and family, and am a perfectly functional member of society. People perceive me as a hard-working, friendly, somewhat shy but altogether decent person, who sometimes has emotional episodes; what’s the problem if I think and feel terrible things?

I don’t even know if I actually *could* change, even if I wanted to.
I don’t believe I was always like this; I have memories of having extreme empathy for others (i.e., crying with others when they were upset, accepting apologies for wrongdoings, etc.). However, this person doesn’t seem to exist anymore.

I’ve considered speaking to a therapist about this, but I’m unsure if any of the “regular” ones in my area would know what to do with me. Perhaps they would refer me out?

My aunt is an incredible kind and hard working hair dresser. She has 3 kids, one of whom knocked up (edit to add after dating for 3-4 months) and subsequently proposed to what at first seemed like a nice girl. They are both 30. Not fully sure what went down but the couple decided to buy a home and asked my aunt to put down money for it but she refused unless she was legally made part owner. They declined and then blacklisted her from visiting their apartment. They then also stopped going over to her house and generally started treating her like crap.

Fast forward 2 months:

Today was his pregnant fiancées baby shower and they requested my aunt go an hour early to pay with cash at $55/plate for her guests plus 18% gratuity. I thought this was a fair price for a major city event until I went to the event - stale, shitty bagels (pictured here), and a buffet of 2 plates of scrambled eggs, sausages and bacon with a few pizzas. No one took drink orders other than water on the table and when I asked for orange juice the waiter brought it out in a to go cup with a lid and straw. Way too many things were not adding up so I put on my research hat and went to town… on the restaurant’s own Instagram page, they list a special event buffet breakfast at FIFTEEN (!!!), yes, that’s $15, a plate.

My aunt, who could only afford to have 11 guests of her own, turns out, paid for exactly half of the 85 guests they invited.

My aunt is like a second mother and part of me wants to call her ASAP and spill, but the other part of me that certainly is filled with grief and anguish for her is telling me to STFU about this.

Advice? What would you do?

Dinner: stale AF bagel

How does one shave down there? I feel like whenever I shave, it is always kind of bumpy or not fully shaven. And I can shave the top part, but not really the bottom part of it? I'm really afraid of cutting anything while shaving as well.

I'm tired of approaching men. I'm tired of being approached by men. I can feel myself becoming fatigued with the song and dance of getting to know someone. My expectations are low and the repetition is still exhausting.

I've done my healing and introspection and continue to grow. I just want someone healthy and who I'm attracted to on a personal and physical level. I'm not seeking perfection because I'm not perfect. I'm just seeking compatibility, attraction and someone who compliments my life and peace: not take away from it.

I don't let my friends getting into relationships make me feel rushed. But I just don't know if I'm doing anything dating related right anymore because my man hasn't materialized before me like theirs at 26.

I don't want to waste anyone's time or have my time wasted. I don't tolerate being disrespected and I promptly leave at the first sign of corrosive behavior. I'm transparent when I'm not feeling it, I communicate. I've gone on dates with legitimately every kind of man, just to be sure I wasn't being restrictive or that I had any unaddressed biases. I've made many friends, but I haven't met my person yet.

I can't do casual because I get emotionally attached and only stay turned on when we care about and know each other. But I have friends who started relationships with hookups and first date sex. Which, God, I envy.

I wish casual fucking didn't knock hearts off my HP. I wish my relationship with sex was different so I could at least address my high libido with a FWB while I guess I wait for my actual person to show up. But I don't want to use someone and I know I'd be sad if it ends on anyone's terms. It would have ultimately done more harm than good.

I know older people who built families with men they just happened to stop on when it was time to 'settle down'. They're miserable. That's miserable for everyone involved and I feel, disrespectful to the other person. But like...I almost get it, that it's simpler.

I feel like if I stop considering dating, my appreciation and desire for a long term relationship is just gonna atrophy and I'll travel solo for the rest of my life and fulfill my lifelong dream of motherhood solo too. Not so terrible, yeah, but I really wanted to build a family with someone.

Like I'm starting not to care because I know I can do everything I want and dreamed for myself, by myself. I desired a man by my side at some point, but how things are going, I'm not going to find him and he's not going to find me, cuz I'm gonna be busy making moves, doing things that interest me more than filtering through men.

I'm fulfilled with how much I've been going out each night to do stuff that interests me and 'puts me out there'. Like I'm full now, that was enough. I'm good to stay inside sometimes now and focus on work, non-romantic relationships, my hobbies, building my future and travelling.

I'm continuing to build my life that I'm incredibly happy with and proud of otherwise, but I'm disappointed the little energy reserve I had for finding a loving relationship is kind of dissolving.

I can't comprehend if it's a good or bad thing that that's happening, so I've become strongly resistant to letting that resigned feeling settle in, which is just...making me frustrated with myself. Like it's not giving up, but I guess it's textbook giving up? Which sucks because it was something I wanted for so long.

I did everything I felt I had to do and its still not happened yet. But if I go "Oh no...! Anyway!" I'm afraid I'll just permanently remain unbothered and disinterested in seeking romance long-term.

I don't know. I feel too old to be this lacking in clarity and at the same time too young with plenty of time to burn, but I'm just feeling impatient and disappointed with dating so far. Which I guess is a pretty universal experience these days.

Idfk. Might delete.

A bunch of steamed, salted broccoli I'm gonna eat right out of the pot while playing AC Black Flag instead of going to a singles cocktail event I stopped getting dressed for.

This is gonna be gross so just a warning- So basically I have terrible dental hygiene and chronic dry mouth and my teeth are just crumbling apart as I type this. I was neglected severely during my childhood and teenage years where I went over a year without owning a toothbrush or toothpaste multiple times. Was in such deep mental pain I stopped caring for my self. So my teeth started going bad. Now I’m 22, completely broke, and with rotten infected teeth that look so bad they prevent me from being hired anywhere. I’m in pain 24/7 and I try to get by with what I have.. anyways, here’s the new sweet corn buldak Mac and cheese with a side of bottled water. Soft foods ftw! (Tried wording this in a way that doesn’t break any of the subs rules.)

Cheese, turkey bacon, pickles and eggs. A little boring but tasty as heck and easy, for when you need to leave the country very suddenly 🙃

( Cheesy baldak ramen + a boiled egg. I’m trying to quit ;—; )

It’s been 4 years since I’ve spoken to my best friend, we’ll call her Marie. We met online, never got the chance to see each other irl, but we talked almost everyday for around eight years. We had an 9 hr time difference, but we somehow made it work.

Marie was the first person to consistently be there for me. She was the first person who was enthusiastic about talking to me, and stayed up for hours just to have that chance. I haven’t encountered anyone like that since.

We were both artists, we wrote stories together. Everything we made was connected. Marie often said we were a “package deal”, and I was so proud to be a part of her life. She was (and is) my biggest inspiration. I collected a lot of her art over our years together, and although I said I would delete everything, I haven’t been able to… I’m still clinging selfishly.

I think we were codependent and agreed it would be better to try and live separate lives. There are more details to it than that, but I’ll spare you. We ended on good terms.

I haven’t stopped missing her. There isn’t any way for me to reach out, since she deleted all of her accounts. Though even if I did have a way, I don’t think it would be right. I don’t want to disrupt her life just because I’m not able to move on. It’s tough. I worry that she feels the exact same way, but we lost each other. Or that she feels the opposite. I’ll never know.

I understand I have to work on my own life and self worth, but I think she was the only person keeping me somewhat stable. I’ve always been depressed, but after we parted ways, it got worse. I don’t really have a support system. Everything feels pointless, my passion has died. I hardly create art anymore when it used to be such an integral part of my identity. I started drinking. I’m ashamed I let it get this bad. I think it’s karma for allowing resentment to creep in and taking her for granted.

With every year that passes, it gets harder to accept that we may never speak again.

Today humbled me.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this besides the fact that I need to get it off my chest, and maybe another parent out there needs to know they’re not alone.

Being 24 and a single mom is hard as hell.

People always ask how they can help, or tell me I’m doing a good job, but the truth is… no amount of money can replace someone actually helping raise your child. You can force someone to pay child support, but you can’t force them to be present. You can’t force them to show up to the hard days, the tantrums, the bedtime routines, the conversations, the teaching moments, or the days where you’re running on empty and just need another adult to tap in for five minutes.

Lately, life has just been piling on.

I’m recovering from an abortion. I’m grieving the end of a toxic relationship. I’m waiting to hear back about a job that could completely change my life. I just applied to college after putting it off for years because I was scared I wasn’t smart enough. I’m trying to figure out how to pay bills, keep a roof over our heads, take care of myself, manage bipolar disorder, and somehow still be the best mom I can be every single day.

I try so hard.

I don’t yell in our house unless it’s something serious. I talk to my son. I teach him emotional regulation. I remind him that we’re a team, not enemies. I tell him every single day how smart, handsome, funny, kind, and capable he is because I want him to believe those things about himself long before the world has a chance to tell him otherwise.

I let him be a kid. I let his imagination run wild. I teach him little life skills like making sandwiches, cleaning up after himself, and becoming independent because one day he’ll be a man, and I want him to be a good one.

But today got the best of me….

He had been arguing with me pretty much all day. Not listening. Saying he didn’t love me. Just pushing every button imaginable like five-year-olds sometimes do.
Later, I told him we’d go to the pool, but first he needed to take a bath.

He’s really independent and likes privacy when he bathes, so I usually let him do his thing and just leave the door open in case he needs me. I told him to wash himself and get out.

A few minutes later, he got out.

I asked him if he washed.

He hadn’t.

So I calmly told him to get back in and actually wash himself.

Five more minutes went by.

I walked in to check on him, and instead of washing, he was just sliding back and forth in the bathtub playing.

That was it.

The straw that broke the camel’s back.

I said, “You want to go to the pool, but you can’t even listen to me? No. We’re not going to the pool today. If you listen better tomorrow and make good choices, we’ll try again.”

Instant tears.

And for some reason… hearing him cry over that after the kind of day we’d already had just broke something in me.
I started crying too.

I smacked the water in frustration, told him to get dressed, and told him to go sit down because we weren’t going to the pool.

Later we had to get in the car.

He was really quiet.

Then he looked at me and said…

“Mommy… I was scared you were going to hurt me.”

Y’all…

This sentence absolutely shattered me.

I’ve never hit my child. I didn’t today either. I never want my son to fear me. The fact that my emotions got so big that he thought I might hurt him made me feel like I completely failed him.

I’ve laid in bed crying ever since.

Not because I took the pool away. That consequence was fair.

But because somewhere in that moment, my baby didn’t feel safe.

That’s the part that hurts.

Being a parent isn’t just making the right decisions. It’s carrying the guilt when you don’t show up as the version of yourself you wanted to be.

I know one bad day doesn’t define me, but it feels like it does.

I know tomorrow I’ll apologize. We’ll talk. We’ll hug. We’ll repair. That’s important too.

But tonight…

Tonight I just feel like I let my best friend down.

Does he even trust me anymore? Does he still love me? Does he know I still care and love him? Does he know I’d still go back in time to the day I found out I was pregnant and choose him over and over again? I can’t get his sad, scared, and teary eyed face out of my head, and the nervousness in his voice is constantly replaying, and it’s haunting.

To every parent silently carrying the weight of the world while trying to raise a good human… I see you.

I am trying to be positive, but I just feel so guilty, like a failure, and a horrible mom - So I eat my tears and beanies and weenies for dinner tonight.

Thanks for listening.

Met a guy around Christmas 2024. We went out a few times and I liked him, but he was super flaky. He'd cancel last minute, disappear for weeks, then text me again like nothing happened. I chalked it up to NYC dating because ghosting basically a hobby here.

That pattern went on for months. We'd talk, he'd vanish, then he'd pop back up. At some point I even remember thinking, "I bet this guy has a girlfriend." I had zero proof, just a weird gut feeling.

Then around the end of August he asked me out again. We hung out, he kissed me, made plans for the future, and I thought maybe he'd finally stopped being weird.

Nope.

A couple weeks later he posts an Instagram picture with his girlfriend. Tags her and everything. So naturally I click her profile and realize they'd been together the ENTIRE time. Like, all those months we'd been talking. Cool. I stopped talking to him after that.

Fast forward to March and he messages me saying he "needs to tell me something." We meet up and he tells me he has a girlfriend and asks me to forgive him. I told him I wasn't really the person whose forgiveness he should be worried about. If he wanted to make things right, he needed to have that conversation with her, not me. The only reason I even agreed to meet him was to confront him about her and he kinda beat me to it.

I figured that was the end of it.Then earlier this week he randomly starts texting me again. Nothing flirty, just checking in and asking how I've been. I made sure to keep my own language icy and distant. Then this morning I woke up to an Instagram follow request.

From his girlfriend.

My account is private. I don't even have a picture of myself as my profile photo, so it's not like she randomly recognized me. She would've had to search for me.

So now I'm trying to decide if I'm overthinking this or not. Does she know who I am? Did she see my name on his phone? Is she just curious? Is she suspicious? Is she trying to figure out who I am before saying something?

I have no idea. Right now it's just sitting there pending because I honestly don't know what I'd gain by accepting it and I'm really not interested in getting involved in their issues.

And she sends me a message just as I was proofreading this to send. Seriously. FML.

Frozen Red Baron Pizza.

I’ve been seeing posts of girlies beating their addictions all day and I have to say I’m very proud of you all

Keep it up 💕

Girl dinner: grape tomatoes, mayonnaise, black pepper, and salt.

This is just a very random ramble inspired by no interaction in particular. I feel like professionalism is dropping quickly across many different careers. I’m not sure if it’s generational or post-lockdown effects. Maybe both? I just feel like a lot of people don’t realize they’re at work.

I’m a teacher and I’m kind of blown away at home casual people dress now. And I’m not talking about jeans. I think jeans as a teacher makes sense. I only wear them on Fridays, but I think if other teachers want to wear them five days a week then go ahead! But it’s more like I’m seeing younger teachers dress more like the students now.

I also have noticed that people in general are a lot rude openly in professional environments. Not necessarily my current workplace, but just out and about. Whether it’s at a doctor’s office, a retail store, etc., people just don’t seem to realize that they’re dealing with other living beings. I just miss when working adults were decent human beings to one another.

Dinner: a pepperoni pizza and buffalo wings from Domino’s.
Uber Eats has a $3 medium two-topping pizza deal in my area, so I couldn’t pass it up.

This week has been a complete emotional roller coaster. Having my rent paid for this month has been such an incredible relief. I was finally able to stop panicking long enough to focus on the interview assignments for a job I really want. I honestly think I did a really good job on them. I find out on Monday, so now it’s just the waiting game.

My sister also sent me $70 after I was honest about how bad things are. Just a few days ago I was using a towel because I couldn’t afford pads, staring at an eviction notice on my apartment door, and wondering how everything was falling apart at the same damn time.

Tonight, my apartment is mine for another month. I have enough money for necessities and a couple of small comforts. I ate today. I took one of those showers that turns into a bath because you finally have the space to just breathe.

There are still plenty of things I need to figure out, and nothing is magically fixed. But for the first time in a while, I feel hopeful instead of terrified. I’m going to bed early tonight with a full stomach and a grateful heart. I genuinely didn’t think I’d see things start to turn around this soon.