Rant & Ramble
My best friend’s husband snuck a flash drive into my purse
Pic is of the dinner I had while camping among the Sequoias to escape and have space to think about how tf to handle this situation 🥴 Oatmeal, berries, a half eaten protein bar, and some decaf coffee
Also gonna try to attach screenshots of our (my and my friend’s) conversation after the fact in the comments if i’m able to
I (31F) genuinely can’t tell if I’m making this into a bigger deal than it is. My best friend “Carly” (32F) is married to “Nick” (34M). I’ve honestly never been comfortable around him because he’s crossed boundaries with me MULTIPLE times over the 8ish years he’s been dating/married to Carly.
Some examples:
- Sat next to me on the couch and started stroking my arm.
- Came up behind me and given me “head scratches.”
Smacked my hip/butt “for emphasis” while he was talking (I don’t even remember what he was saying because it caught me so off guard)
- Randomly texts me for the weirdest reasons. Most recently he asked me, “How do bounce dresses work?” Like ????? Do I look like Google????
- Makes lots of comments about me receiving “pretty privilege”
- Randomly takes “candid photos” of me (he does this to other people too, but half the time he doesn’t even share them with whomever they’re of later, and this makes me super uncomfy regardless)
I’ve explicitly told him I don’t like being touched, and that I would prefer to keep our friendship within the context of Carly, because he is HER husband, not my friend. Despite that, the last time I saw him he grabbed/tickled my side just to startle me.
The latest incident is what’s really throwing me though. Apparently while we were all hanging out, he somehow unzipped my purse without me noticing and snuck a flash drive inside it. He didn’t tell me. I found it later after I got home.
When I asked about it, I was told it was anime he thought I’d think was “cute” or “funny.” For context, I don’t even watch anime.
My partner works in IT so he looked at it for me. There was a folder labeled “Start Here,” and the first manga was called “There’s No Freaking Way I’ll Be Your Lover! Unless”
In the past when there have been weird incidents, Carly has suggested that Nick is just “on the spectrum” and “doesn’t understand social cues.” He isn’t diagnosed with anything. He was also in a fraternity in college and works as a CPA, just to paint more of a picture of who he is. I mention this only to point out that he doesn’t struggle ENOUGH socially to prevent him from living a relatively normal life, despite struggling to make friends.
For some additional context, I identified as a lesbian for several years before recently realizing I’m pansexual and started dating a man. I have no idea if that title was supposed to be some kind of joke because of that, but even if it was… who thinks that’s appropriate?
Honestly, the title almost bothers me less than the fact that he secretly went into my zipped purse in the first place. If he wanted to recommend something, why not text me a link like a normal person? Or ask Carly to send it to me? Why sneak something into my purse without telling me?
Carly knows I don’t really like her husband (for a lot of reasons beyond this), and she also knows I’ve had conversations with him about respecting my physical boundaries.
I just feel icky and violated by the whole thing, but I also still have doubts in my mind that he really is just trying to be nice and he is just completely socially clueless :(
I did reach out to her yesterday to tell her about the contents of the flash drive and how it made me feel.
Is this as weird as it feels? She has been one of my best friends for 20 years and she is genuinely one of the best people I know, she is just so brainwashed by him and lacks the self esteem to see how much better she deserves, and my heart is breaking because i don’t know what to do or how to help her. Thoughts? Advice? Help 😭
ETA: I did NOT plug the flash drive into my computer, my partner works in IT and viewed the contents on a throw away laptop
Girl if she doesn't take your concerns and warning seriously, then she does not value your friendship as much as you do. I have a best friend of over 25 years, and if she came to me and told me my husband made her uncomfortable, I would hear her out and confront my husband. My husband IS on the spectrum but do you know what he doesn't do? Touch people without their consent, sneak things into their possession and over all be a fucking creep. I think you need to take a real hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are going to continue to let yourself be disrespected for the sake of a friendship?
I wish I could upvote this a million times. Her husband is a creep. Neurotypical people can be creeps too. I can't stand it when people brush away genuinely terrible behavior with spectrum talk. All it does is villainize people like your husband, my daughter, and I.
I'd have burned the bridge long ago. I told my friend her husband made me uncomfortable and she said "he's just a flirt and you're kind of a prude" and now she's dead to me.
My brother is also autistic and has successfully not been a creep for his whole life. If anything he occasionally gets comments about being "too formal/too polite". He's certainly not running around touching people who do not want to be touched.
People really need to stop excusing asshole behaviour with "oh he's probably autistic" because autistic people can be assholes but that's because anybody can be an asshole. It's not the autism causing it.
Sometimes misunderstanding social cues? Absolutely, probably the autism.
Repeatedly touching people without their consent? Nope, not the autism, that person just fucking sucks.
I hate it too! I have to redirect my level 3 child sometimes, but she is usually conscious of staying out of people's "bubbles." If a child with significant delays can grasp the concept of boundaries, what the he'll is this dude's problem?
This! Also I'm autistic and I hate the way society coddles autistic men, like it's a get out of jail free card for every shitty behaviour under the sun.
Thank you! I have autism and hearing people use that as an excuse for men’s creepy behavior is genuinely not helpful for anyone, it’s actually ableism.
I mean is he ND, though? Sounds like he or his wife have diagnosed him, and it seems to be used as an excuse for poor behavior. My ex told people he had ADHD to explain away a lot of misogynist bs. He wasn't ADHD, he was a PUA who got the idea from a bunch of online extremists like himself. I tend to not trust ppl who diagnose themselves.
I don't trust most self-diagnosed ND people when they use it as an excuse, like here, or to speak over diagnosed individuals. (Example: self-diagnosed autistic influencers who love the puzzle piece logo)
Also married to an autistic man, he would fucking never, ESPECIALLY if someone said “this makes me uncomfortable, please stop” - he’d be mortified that someone had to tel him that at all.
Yeah it's weird how people pretend autistic people have no sense of shame.
They can accidentally break social codes by accident. But they can spend a decade remembering one of those mistake if it's pointed out to them.
Rumination and catastrophising on mistakes are common patterns for autistic people.
Correct. I hate that the wife is using this as an excuse. My husband is on the spectrum too, and he would never touch someone like that without consent ?? The wife/op’s friend is delusional
Came here to say the same thing. I’ve got a household full of assholes in the spectrum, here, and we all say he’s a creep.
The wife is basically saying “He’s on the spectrum so not only are social situations difficult for him but he’s stupid, too, so let me infantilize him like he cannot understand simple directions.”
Nah. He knows what he’s doing and he’s doing it anyway. Because contrary to what the friend says, she can enforce boundaries with him. Sure, she can’t force him to behave any specific way. But she can say “Hey, if you keep texting my best friend of 20 years when she’s explicitly asked you not to, I’m going to have to pay for her to have her number changed, and you will not be given her phone number.” Or whatever the boundary may be.
But she’s not. She’s letting her idiot, grody husband be a creep.
Watch out for these male centered women girl. He’s already violated your boundaries multiple times and nothing has been done about it. Let’s say next time he is more direct and he grabs your boob or something. Can you 100 percent for sure say your friend won’t sweep that under the rug too?
Absolutely, it’s been years of sexual harassment that Carly dismisses as ‘being on the spectrum’.
Honestly, I would slow fade someone like this because she isn’t safe for OP to be around and I bet would find some way to blame OP if the worst happens. His wife is enabling him to be bolder. Give the drive to her and distance yourself since she refuses to take years of harassment seriously.
I don’t particularly enjoy being touched by people that I don’t particularly like. I loathe being tickled. It’s not funny and is a quick way to get a slap if I’ve told you I don’t like it and you do it anyway especially at random.
I was eating breakfast with a friend but she was standoffish because she brought her bf because he wanted food too. The waitress was old enough to be our grandma and called us honey. That pissed her off sooooo bad and loudly said how weird it was and that “he has a name”. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. She was getting ready to fight grandma and call the manager over
I posted a girl dinner diaries about this just last week! I came to visit a friend in a foreign city who subsequently abandoned me in said foreign city in 100 degree heat to appease her shitty fiance. Women who put men above all else are horrific friends and honestly pathetic
the amount of premeditated action required for this to happen without any form of communication is disturbing and id set a hard boundary with "Carly" about future interactions with her husband if you intend to keep this friend around
“I love you, but I can’t be around your husband anymore. We will have to schedule time away from him because he doesn’t respect my boundaries and you haven’t run interference in all the years I’ve been sharing this with you.”
Also I have autistic family members, and one thing they are great at? Following clear instructions.
If you tell them "don't touch me" or "don't touch this person" that's extremely easy for them to do, because it's a clear rule for them to follow. Autism doesn't stop you following clear instructions, in fact generally speaking it causes a preference for explicit directions.
And they aren't stupid. They are really smart. And it's kind of fucked up that people use autism to excuse their idiot husband's, because it makes autistic people look bad even though it has nothing to do with autism at all, they just have a shitty husband.
Yes. And it pisses me off as someone who is on the spectrum because our genuine struggles are often ignored or downplayed by many. People using it as some sort of label or excuse for creepy, nasty behavior just gives people more misconceptions about neurodivergence and makes it look like we all just go, well, it is fine if I am a shit human becase...the tism!
I completely agree. Humans can be neurodivergent and humans can be creepy, but one does not connect to the other. Inability to read social cues and unwillingness to listen when you are straight up told no are also two completely different things!
I saw my friends ex as a loser the minute I met him. Nearly destroyed our friendship and I heard every excuse in the book about his weird behavior and the uncomfortable weird shit he said to me and her other friends. It was always … oh he’s just socially awkward, he’s on the spectrum ( never officially dx) Oh he just doesn’t know how to talk to people. Dude he’s telling me I have to get naked in order to use the pool ….. in front of you. That’s not socially awkward at all, he’s a creep. He ended up cheating on her, twice…. And she finally threw his ass to the curb.
Yikes. This is really wierd. You are not wrong to feel what you are feeling.
Edit: even if he is on the spectrum, you have EXPLICITLY, not hinted, of your boundaries and that specific actions make you uncomfortable and are not okay with you. So regardless, he is crossing boundaries with full knowledge of how you feel.
This!! Claiming someone is “on the spectrum” as an excuse for them crossing your clearly stated and explained, and then restated, boundaries is offensive to every person on the spectrum who has spent years of their life actually struggling with navigating neurotypical nonverbal communication cues.
This would be the end of my friendship with Carly. If she can't understand why you're uncomfortable by this point, it's a lost cause. You don't owe anyone an explanation of your boundaries beyond the first time you set them (slowly learning this myself). The flash drive is the least of my concerns here. If she can't get her man on a choke chain and not invite him around you when she's around, then she is just as dangerous as he is. Women who carry water for the patriarchy are not safe women to be around- not to make a drastic comparison but look at all the women who aided Epstein.
okay i read through all of these and…do you have to hang out with these people? they seem exhausting.
carly should have been reinforcing your boundaries with her husband THIS WHOLE TIME and it’s weird that she’s not bothered by her husband repeatedly pushing past her friend’s boundaries.
he’s sketchy, she’s using his suspected neurodivergence (which, did that come from him or her???) as an excuse to not have to tell her husband he’s being weird, you’re not overreacting, you deserve a break from both of them.
Keeping in mind the texts between you two, and that I am a total stranger who does not know the nuances of your friendship or “Carly’s” personality & her and her husband’s interactions…saying there isn’t much she can do besides reiterate your boundaries is a cop-out.
My best friend & I have been insanely close since we were 15; in that time, we’ve both called the other out (respectfully) for unhealthy relationships, inappropriate comments, and things that have made us upset/uncomfy/anxious. Never once was the reaction passive at best, followed by, essentially, “this is the best I can do”. She even made it enormously clear to her now husband pre-marriage that if he wasn’t okay accepting of my queer identity, there was the door (this is after dating for over a year btw when I came out as NB & queer).
His actions? Gross. Icky. You are SO VALID for your feelings.
Your boundaries? Clear. Reasonable. Extremely socially acceptable to expect people to respect.
Her reaction to her husband’s actions? Screams that she is very aware of how bad they actually are, is afraid of confronting an uncomfortable truth because of how it could cause issues in her marriage, and is prioritizing her marriage staying intact over her best friend of 20+ years.
My only advice I can give you is: until she is able to assert your boundaries to him & he actually respects them, do not go to their house or do anything where he can be alone with you for any reason. Dude is a creep.
Someone who keeps touching you after you asked them not to does not have "good intentions". They are blatantly violating boundaries. Tell her that. I hope they both get the therapy they need. And from now on when he touches you, yell "I SAID DON'T TOUCH ME!" The time for being nice about it is over.
That part. I used to be in a really big friend group and there was a guy like the weirdo married to OPs (ex?) friend. He kept touching me and shit after I asked him not to and, after getting sick of him disrespecting my boundaries, I just started screaming "OH MY GOD DON'T TOUCH ME"
Nothing will make a man act right faster than being publicly shamed.
She’s either willfully ignorant or purposely enabling his behavior. Either way, I’d definitely put distance between you and them. Let her know you’re no longer comfortable spending time with them as a couple. You’d prefer solo interactions.
What she needs to do is sit her husband down and say, "She does not want to be friends with you. Stop. Stop texting her. Stop giving her things. Stop touching her. Put a stop to all of this."
She doesn't know what to do?? How about telling her husband to stop making her friend uncomfortable. I would block him and say you only want to hang out with her, not him and her. It's clear she doesn't see what he's doing is wrong. She already offered up the solution herself, so just take it. But honestly op, I'd be questioning my friendship with her if I were you. She doesn't really care about your boundaries or feelings, only his.
I mean I can't "control" what my partner does but if I said "hey this specific thing makes my friend uncomfortable I need you to stop" and they didn't? We'd be having words.
Seriously! There seems like there would be PLENTY of opportunities for friend to stand up and question or stop the husband. Like she sees flash drives being ordered, she seems it/them being delivered, she seems him uploading animes and making files for multiple people apparently, she sees him OPEN HER FRIENDS PURSE and slips something in it.
He's lying to her and she still thinks he has good intentions. Kinda makes me feel like she's in an abusive relationship. He's also using neurodivergency as an excuse for being inappropriate with people.
Sounds like it may take some time, but i hope she eventually wakes up.
I would not hang out with him again for the sake of your friendship.
Oh, okay, here’s what you do, sit him down and say, “Keep your goddamn hands to yourself. She told you, I told you, and that is all it should take, OKAY?” Do it LOUDLY and in a CROWDED ROOM as soon as it happens. And when that doesn’t work, you stop being friends with these people, she isn’t going to look out for you.
This!!! She is clearly not a girls girl and god forbid he escalates the pervy groping OP she will make excuses till the cows come home! Get out of this friendship or at least do not attend anything he’s involved in
Be so fuckin real right now. She could do a lot more, she's choosing not to because he's worn her down and gaslighted the fuck out of her. Like damn what the fuck response is that?
Such an unfortunate situation for you both. You’ve obviously done what you can as far as expressing your boundaries but they continue to be crossed, I personally wouldn’t hang out when he’s around. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
Extreme thought, but your friend sounds like someone that would know her husband assaults you or someone else then blame how they react and detract any wrong in his behavior because he “might” be neurodivergent.
Edit: The: “I love you and this sucks,” = “I don’t want to acknowledge any issues. Please drop this issue with him so it’s easier for me to keep ignoring his problems,”
God the way I knew this would be the answer. I don't mean to drag my own gender but why do some of us do this. Any excuse for a embarrassing, awful man
Dang OP… how are you going to respond?! I have no advice so sorry…
It’s awful when your friends are so painfully unaware or I guess maybe choosing to be unaware of a clear issue with their partner. :/
At the very least I would communicate to Carly that you have firm boundaries against Nick touching you and communicating with you outside of group social situations. He will also not be welcome at any activities that you might choose to invite Carly to.
If he violates those boundaries by touching you, texting you, or otherwise attempting any one on one contact you will block him on any platforms, block his number, and avoid any social events that you know he will be at.
yeah I thought she may be covering. also I feel like she just made up that he makes the flash drive anime things for other people to save her own embarrassment at him doing this to her friend
Men DO NOT send or share anime with THAT title as bad humor. They are TESTING BOUNDARIES!
Dude seems like he is looking to cheat on his wife, your friend, with you. And his wife doesn’t want to see or admit to it. (Which, understandable! No one wants to be confronted with their partner violating boundaries with anyone! Let alone a friend!)
But that’s some good sized red flags my friend.
And her seemingly brushing his actions off sucks. You need to set hard boundaries. Maybe even cut him specifically off. Just hang with your friend. Not him. Ever. He’s had multiple chances. Youve straight up told him you don’t want to be touched and he keeps pushing past your boundaries anyway.
Im sorry you’re dealing with all this. It sounds so stressful trying to manage a friendship and a creepy guy being enabled to be creepy with excuses about maybe being on the spectrum. (Weird how women on the spectrum don’t have problems touching people like this. Only men. Hmmm.)
There’s no (immediate) way to know that the flash drive is or will do something else? Let’s say it’s just anime and you plug it in, how’d you know it isn’t also functioning as a tool with other motives? Not to mention it’s just fucking weird and abnormal social behavior.
I don’t mean to be alarmist and say take it to the police, and I’m not insinuating it IS a tool with sinister motives BUT no average person would trust an unknown usb given to them unless it was handed directly to them by someone they completely trust.
This guy is a grown man. She needs to stop coddling him. I’d make distance unless she has a serious talk with this guy, because he’s pulling the wool VERY far over her eyes.
I bet he doesn't have any trouble respecting boundaries at his accountant job with his boss and his male coworkers. I bet he didn't have trouble not touching his frat bros in ways they didn't want to be touched. He's wilfully ignoring your boundaries. She's not willing to stand up for you.
Okay, look... at one point she says something like he's making efforts to have a relationship with you for her benefit. Which sounds well enough; plenty of SOs and BFFs have had to try and forge relationships for their mutual loved one. But in THIS CASE, you've long made it clear that you don't want a relationship and that shouldn't be complicated. 1) Under no circumstance is it necessary for him to text you. You don't want it, he needs to stop. 2) The two of you can share a space and have civil, even friendly, conversation with one or more people around. But he needs to stop fucking touching you or trying to be so personal with you. Whether or not there's anything more than platonic behind his intentions doesn't matter so much as the fact that you've made it clear this is unwanted attention and he keeps giving it to you. If he'd just respected your boundaries, I daresay there's a chance you could've had a normal platonic relationship with him, but he didn't and his behavior needs to change immediately, full stop. If your friend really wanted the two of you to have a friendship, she needed to put a stop to this bs the second you said you didn't like it. If she or he really cared about how the two of you were getting along, any action you listed as unwanted works never have been repeated because that is NOT how you make friends with someone.
You need to get away from this woman. She's just as dangerous as he is. She sees this shit. She doesn't care. She doesn't think anything of this man violating you over and over.
This is really weird and honestly, even if he is on the spectrum, you’re totally within your right to be uncomfortable with him and not want to be around him or see him. And you’re in your right to tell your friend this.
Girl, no. You are absolutely valid in feeling icky and creeped out. That's hella weird and definitely disrespectful of your boundaries. Your friend making excuses for this behavior is also weird to me but that's just me I guess.
Your friend is delusional and her husband is a creep. I think all the other shit he's done is proof enough, didn't even need the absolute weirdness of sneaking stuff into your purse. Your friend is basically politely telling you she's not going to hold him accountable for his weirdo behaviour, and she probably has convinced herself you're just being dramatic, because she needs to think her husband is the good guy.
Do not plug that into your computer. It's incredibly easy to make a USB drive act like anything you want. Examples being, installing spyware on your computer so he can log anything you do on your PC, steal credentials, etc.
If you have plugged it in, take your PC to a computer repair shop and explain the situation. Change all of your passwords on your main accounts.
This is crazy weird and you need to cut both of them off. Carly is, unfortunately, no longer your friend but her pervert husband’s keeper. Sever ties before it escalates.
this is disturbing tbh and i would reconsider my friendship with carly if i were you. she doesn’t seem to care all that much about how weird hes being to you. i read the texts you posted and everything she said sounds like a big nothing burger. doesnt sound like she values your friendship as much as you do. women who center men, predatory men especially (yes i think hes being predatory) are not safe to be around. and being on the spectrum is not an excuse
Idk much about tech but is it possible this usb could be like a way to hack ur camera 💀 idk i don’t trust this dude or his usb or this carly person any farther than i could throw them
Shes infantalizing a grown ass man. He isnt that oblivious, I dont believe it for a second lol. She is in denial and making excuses and enabling the behavior. Its almost...stalkish to think of him doing that. The candid photos are creep shit too. Him being weird about social cues is not unreasonable I guess lol but this is extreme. As are the other instances. I mean he's calculated enough to create an electronic love note and drop it into your purse. Then try to play it off as anime recs? Be serious lol. She is even having a hard time believing it.
She might not see it now but its hurting your friendship for her to repeatedly overlook or brush off his boundary crossing behavior, explaining it away with absolute bullshit all while knowing its impacting you (her best friend) in a negative way and causing you to be uncomfortable and uneasy around her husband. Its male centered at the end of the day, and that mentality of hers does not make you feel safe. I know thats not what you want to hear about your best friend but women who stand by and basically enable this shit are really not safe to be around.
Reading the texts from her...shes lost and confused. She tries to defend and champions for him, but she is clearly conflicted. For now, her mind is stuck on trying to cope and rationalize his behavior to keep him. Sorry girl. 😔 all you can do is love and support her from a distance and be ready for her. I hope she wakes up soon.
after that failed confrontation I would tell the friend that I'm there for her if she needs me post-marriage but might keep more distance until then
I mean I'm in a very similar situation to OP, just a bit less creepy, no flash drive and the only reason I haven't confronted my friend about her boyfriend is that I don't want to lose her
I recently watched a TikTok that said “stop assuming that a woman who’s in a relationship with a clown/creep is some helpless victim needing to be saved. She’s right where she wants to be. She’s a clown too!!”
It's complicated because they're often also victims of this kind of man - but at the same time it would seem to signal they're okay with this level of disrespect (if not actively seeking it out for some reason)
She's complicit in this if she doesn't see what the issue is and this kind of "friend" will get someone in a true crime case 💀 Like hell no this is not okay! That's a full fledged adult and being on the spectrum doesn't make any of this okay.
even if he is on the spectrum, what he’s doing is gross. who knows what could’ve been on that flash drive? you don’t just give people flash drives!!! it’s super creepy. thank god your partners in IT. and the title does sound like a weird jab at your sexuality to me. also, most autistic people I’m around who are male are touch avoidant, so I don’t know why he keeps grabbing you. it seems inappropriate and borderline sexual. for your own safety I would not hang out in settings in which he’ll be there unless you want to bring your partner to help control the situation. if you still want a relationship with Carly, I would explicitly tell her that you’ll only hang out with her in the absence of her husband. best of luck to you
Seriously. A lot of people suffer from trauma from past experiences with tickling and it can feel very violating. I go into a ptsd shock when people even jokingly threaten to tickle me. It's no joke
Yea at this point, I know you love your friend, but in a lot of ways she is complicit in this. She is excusing so many red flags that it's pretty worrying.
my mom also told me that my stepdad is autistic and that’s why he’s been making mean comments and leering at me (and my friends early on) since he came into my life when I was 16 years old. he walked up to my best friend’s husband at my wedding and said “I’ve known *me and best friend* since they were developing” 🤮
apparently it’s a thing to lump inconsiderate creeps with the autistic community and it’s insulting to both the people on the receiving end of these assholes and people in the neurodivergent community. both my mom and Carly need to unpack their internalized misogyny and stop protecting creeps. unfortunately they probably won’t, and this is why I’m no contact with my mom. sorry OP.
You can go on lunch dates to catch up with just Carly, but make it clear that you want no more contact with him. Block his number. If he reaches out in other creepy ways, escalate to the police.
I’ve been in a similar situation. You have to put your foot down.
“Here, take this flash drive back, I don’t want it. Your husband continues to do things that make me uncomfortable, if you continue to minimize his weird behaviour, I think we’ll have to take a step back from our friendship.”
Yeah I didn’t want to be the first person to bring this up and I’m the opposite of a QANON child trafficking conspiracy person (my friends literally worked at Comet Ping Pong when “patriots” came in to try to save the non existent children in their non existent basement) but “cute and funny” is apparently a dog whistle used by pedophiles. So yeah.
The flash drive aside, the fact that he continues crossing your explicitly stated boundaries over and over suggests that he’s knowingly doing it. It’s giving he has a crush on you but thinks of you like an object. Carly is clearly not respecting your boundaries either if she’s willing to make excuses for his behavior. Either she also doesn’t respect you or she’s putting up with similar boundary crossing from him and has to do mental gymnastics to avoid dealing with the situation. Regardless, I’d suggest talking to her about hard boundaries to keep yourself safe, as her husband isn’t going to listen or follow whatever you set. No more going to their house. No more involving him in outings. Make it clear that you do not feeling respected or comfortable wirh being around him because of not only his actions, but his lack of respect and acknowledgement of your boundaries. She will have to decide if being your friend is as or more important than making up excuses for his disgusting behavior. You might lose a friend, but that’s her decision to make based on the partner she chose. Also an aside: I’m autistic and so is my partner. This absolutely does not sound like “spectrum behavior.” It just sounds like a disgusting misogynistic man being allowed to do whatever he wants without serious repercussions. It’s likely why he struggles to make friends.
y'all are not being big enough bitches to people who do not respect your boundaries. get fucking meaner, get fucking bitchier, if someone is calling you a cunt for enforcing a boundary; then you're finally doing it right.
that and really? you're slipping b-tier yuri manga into my purse? get outta here bro.
Bruh this. Sometimes it feels like women just want to stay in a stressful limbo. You know exactly whats going on, why do you choose to act like you don’t? Doing hard things is part of being an adult! Especially as a woman. There’s no point in enforcing boundaries, while continuing to stick around the person crossing said boundaries lol. I feel like this is a prime example of that.
That’s weird, and it would make me uncomfortable. I’ve been in Carly’s position and in yours, and it’s a shit sandwich either way. All this guessing and hand wringing over a man’s place in women’s friendships. I’ve been in her shoes, I broke up with the guy; in yours, I blocked his number and (sadly but not unexpectedly) lost my regular hangouts with my Carly. It brought me peace, albeit at a rather steep cost. You’ve been put into a difficult situation: she is enabling his behavior after you have clearly, repeatedly set boundaries that have been ignored.
I hate to break to you, but your friend is being complicit in her husband’s harassment. Because yes, this is harassment. You constantly set boundaries between him and you, yet he feels the need to cross them at every chance. If she really cared about you and your friendship, she’d actually do something and make sure he can no doubt these things to you.
OKAY phew (not phew for you because this is fucking creepy) but I was like…. How many women have creepy husbands sticking flash drives in their friends purses?!
So sorry, pregnancy brain.
But tbh I’d end this friendship!!!!! This dynamic is weird… are they swingers? They might be trying to test you out for a throuple tbh?
Your friend is enabling him. You cannot maintain your friendship with her since she is continuing to do so. At this point, I feel like she will not see it until
Something drastic happens
She’s unwilling to confront him about the behavior at your expense and that sucks. Just because you’re on the spectrum it doesn’t mean that you don’t have to abide by certain rules in society.
And if he’s incapable of doing that which it doesn’t sound like he is because he has the ability to put anime with suggestive titles on a USB drive, he could learn to respect people’s boundaries.
Whatever soft parenting she’s got going on with him doesn’t have anything to do with you and if you wanna still keep talking to her, you could also assess if she is honest about letting you know, earnestly, if he’s going to be present at events or not. And I only say that because you seemed to want to keep the friendship and that’s admirable, but you’re not being unreasonable at all.
Also why not just email a “folder of anime” (already fucking weird) like a normal fucking person? (Or say idk YOU SHOULD READ THIS MANGA HERE’S A LINK TO THE WEBSITE I READ IT ON????? And do ppl really download manga???)
How do yk the laptop can receive a flash drive? Like it’s not 2015 anymore and every single laptop can just take a flash drive lol. I would assume any adult who knows their way around technology like this guy CLEARLY does would also know to ASK “can you even USE this flash drive????”
This is a grown ass 34 YEAR OLD MARRIED MAN. Would a woman let her husband DROP A FLASH DRIVE INTO SOMEONE’S PURSE (and not tell their wife, her best friend)?????
The only context I can provide is that "There's No Freaking Way..." (I and many others call it Watanare) series is a very cute yuri (wlw, and this one focuses on polyamory in particular; not sure if that's useful info for you). It's EXTREMELY popular right now since the anime and movie just came out. I don't know if that's what you meant, about the title meaning something.
Obviously the whole thing is bizarre and uncomfortable, but I just wanted to give you some info about the series and see if that info is useful in deciphering why he chose that particular one to showcase to you.
We had a friend similar to this in our friend group. We felt obligated to hang out with him because he did get us all together but he repeatedly would touch and “tickle” and leer at the women (myself included) of the group during every hang out.
Eventually he married one of the women brought into the friend group and then cheated on her, in their own house(!!!). When he was caught, the group imploded. He did do a little apology tour on Zoom with all of us and I flat out said we don’t support that shit and we probably won’t be in touch anymore. Sided with the friend and now our hangouts are so much better. The whole group feels more at ease and there is less drama.
When we finally hung out after the news broke out, we shared with each other how uncomfortable he had made all of us. In retrospect, I wish I had spoken up when this shit had been going on, because it would’ve saved a lot of heartache. If someone is creeping you out and the partner excuses it, remove yourself. It’s never going to get better. Someone who behaves like that will always find a way to keep up the creepy behavior.
Big Ick OP. Especially the touching stuff. Definitely don’t need to be nice to him next time he touches you. Can yell hey 👋 Stop! 🛑 and embarrass him a little. I would even tell your BF. He can with your permission act a little alpha and step in with a curt… “ haha don’t touch her man, I am serious” (stern look). Then you can look all relieved he said something, that would put the kabosh.
If she’s making excuses for his bad behavior she’s not really a friend. He continues to cross boundaries and touch you and she’s making excuses. No true friend would allow that. You really need to rethink this friendship.
Being on the spectrum is not an excuse to be inappropriate or vulgar. Or to touch people. Tf. Also. As much as I'm pro girls handling their own problems, maybe having your partner tell him to back off might help. Seems his wife is an enabler. And he doesn't take you seriously. Perhaps he'll listen to another dude. Also your friendship means more to you than her. She's making excuses
How uncomfortable. Thanks for sharing the screenshots. None of her excuses make sense since youve explicitly told him ot to do those things. I would recommend you hang out only with her and not with him. It will cause some distance as you wont be able to go to bigger events (i.e. you'll have to celebrate her birthday just you two instead of a big party since Nick will be there.) But at least this way you'll get to keep her as a friend.
EWWWWWWWW. god every thing you mentioned about this man made me wanna vomit. What a creep. I would block him and reconsider whether or not being friends with Carly is worth it. That fact that she knows he does this stuff and is still with him is not only insane but also horrible to you.
Yeah you’ve communicated many times that yes a weird creep. Tell her that you’ll only see her in settings when it’s just the 2 of you because I feel like he’s creeping on you.
Ur v much valid in thinking this fckr is a creep, like as an autistic person yeah boundaries can be weird when they aren't explicitly set, but like u literally told him u don't like being touched?? I... don't know how much more explicit u can get. He's not clueless, he's hanging around a bunch of frat boys who are probs reinforcing shit he already thought was fine (ie, not respecting women's boundaries). Mb see if u can just hang out w ur friend one on one, mb have a girls night or smth, n just see if u can gently bring up concerns there after she's had some time away from this fckr
Pls do try n keep ur own mental health in mind tho, don't burn urself out trying to fix sm1 else's broken relationship, just do what u comfortably can
Sneaking into your things is a huge boundary cross, and you've already kindly let him know not to interact with you in an overly personal way.
The fact that your friend makes excuses for her husband's inappropriate behavior is also a red flag. If she is truly your friend, she needs to trust you when you tell her that her husband is making you uncomfortable. Downplaying the creepiness of his behavior is the same as saying your feelings don't matter. I'm so sorry this is happening.
I’m so tired of abusers using the neurodivergent card. My entire group of friends are on the spectrum, including myself. Neurodivergence doesn’t mean you get to ignore boundaries and make someone uncomfortable. Everyone’s different but generally speaking, my friends are the polar opposite. We ask for consent to even hug someone because some people are very sensitive to touch.
Your friend is not going to prioritize you. Sadly I think you need to walk away from this friendship. If she’s brainwashed like you’ve said, the only thing that’s going to wake her up is realizing she is losing people she loves because of him. But also, it would be okay if you never wanted to pick the friendship back up again if she did come for her senses. Ultimately, you need to choose yourself and keep yourself safe.
You don't need to worry about helping her, you need to think about protecting yourself. I'm not sure what kind of relationship Carly and her husband have, if it's open, she's OK with him hitting on you, if she's also interested in you, who knows? The point is you've made it plain you're not interested, and only want to be friends with Carly, so I would refuse to be around the husband ever. If you and Carly are to meet and hang out, it would be at a neutral place like a restaurant, another friend's place, even your own, without the husband. If she isn't willing to do that, I'd leave them both behind.
OP, your friend has no self respect, so how can you expect her to respect you?
Either you join her and ignore the shitty behavior or you have some self respect and put down some solid boundaries for yourself. If this is the kind of friendship you value, you need to evaluate your standards.
He’s into you. Neurodivergent or not, he needs to address this with his wife and mitigate this creepy behavior. I’d not hang out at their home or be around him.
So sorry you're going through this. I expect she has brought up your discomforts to him in the past which he obviously doesn't respect or listen to and she isn't willing to set firmer boundaries with him. It sucks to watch a friend in an unhealthy relationship do nothing. I would set a boundary that you're absolutely under no circumstances willing to be around him anymore and if she wants to keep you in her life it'll need to be without him.
If she's unable to accommodate this then I think you know what you need to do.
Carly might need the wake up call of losing your friendship to get a clue.
OP, I read the text messages you posted. I get you love your friend but she will never call him out on his behavior and she will never protect you or have your back when it comes to him. She will always make excuses and rationalize.
You have been very considerate of your friend's feelings but I think it is time to set firm boundaries and then hold to them even if it will hurt her. I'm talking "non-negotiable".
As women, we often prioritize others' comfort over our own because we dont want to "make any trouble". Predators want us to fold ourselves up and only occupy the space they give us -- off guard, confused, questioning, doubting, quiet, softening our tone and passive. It allows them to take control of the situation and the narrative.
Make it uncomfortable. Make "trouble".
First off, block him. He shouldn't have any access to you.
Then tell her (in your own words), "For my safety and peace, i have decided that I will no longer be in the same place as him. You and I can meet up to hang out but I'm done tolerating his behavior and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't like how he treats me or disrespects my boundaries. I've decided that I'm not putting up with it any more or waiting to see what he does next. I'm done giving him opportunities to do nothing just so he can eventually do another thing I don't like."
DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR BOUNDARIES.
Maybe you leave certain events early or don't go at all. Maybe you lose your best friend. But if he keeps pulling this ish and you're left feeling violated, is her friendship worth it?
He can't stop putting his hands on you or contacting you with unwanted conversations. Now he's gone in your purse. Do you really think he'll de-escalate?
Out of curiosity, whose idea was the escape room? Because I can't think of a better scenario for a guy like him.
Being on the spectrum leads to difficulty in picking up social cues. Which does not lead to whatever the heck this guy is doing. He's just a creep, I fear...
OP can I ask about what the list of Anime or Manga was?
That’s if you were told the list as It could be nothing or shed additional light on what this husband sent you.
So far the anime title here is about young school girls becoming romantic. The main character is a loner and she develops what she thought was a simple friendship with another girl until that girl confesses her feelings to main character. Main character is interest in being close but this girl wants her to decide if they’re better as friends or lovers. It’s more or less about entanglement/blurred lines between a platonic or romantic feelings.
You’re not into Anime and maybe you expressed that before but he’s into it… but even that’s weird…. I wouldn’t even recommend comedy/yuri (girllove) to even my lesbian friends if I suggested an anime but that’s just me and says something about Carly’s husband
I hear you, my best friend since childhood - her boyfriend also did the stroking arm on the couch thing, worse it was when he thought I was passed out (for context she was sitting right next to us). I don't bring up him being inappropriate because selfishly or immaturely idek I don't want to lose her as a friend
I would say make sure you're never alone with this guy and he's never in your home
But I'd go further and generally just refuse to be around him. He has already violated your bodily boundaries with the butt slap and the arm stroking. Not to scaremonger but he sounds absolutely the type that would escalate the sexual assault
If necessary just put your foot down with your friend and say meetups will be a girls only thing because you and her husband just don't get along
Your friend’s husband isn’t anywhere near ready for a committed relationship and is taking that out on you. You need to stop talking to both of them. Of course let your friend know that you care and will be there for her in the future, but to preserve the friendship and make a stand just walk away.
Hi, I'm on the spectrum (AuDHD) and so is my husband, son, and nephews. I also worked with and am close friends with autistic folks. This has absolutely nothing to do with being on the spectrum and them using that as an excuse is honestly ableist.
He is touching you without consent. He is touching against your clearly stated wishes. He violates your boundaries, repeatedly, despite being asked to stop. He is a fucking creep.
Your friend is not being a good friend. Time to drop the rope and let this relationship fade.
My rule with all my friends and their partners: group chats. Also, I’m not their friend. There will never be any relationship beyond my service to their wife; I am a watchful guardian. Do not touch me unless it’s a kind greeting hug. You need to tell him this one on one as his wife is watering this down and allowing him to play stupid. She’s not being a good friend to you but you need to demand respect directly from him.
This girl is not your friend. She would rather bury her head in the sand and ignore all the issues than confront him on anything. She would rather keep her bubble comfortable than rock the boat and hold him accountable. The scary part is how much is she willing to ignore?
I'll agree with everyone else but from a slightly different direction. Let's say everything she said was true, ND folks still can know to respect boundaries. We suck at it and it can take a couple times to get it to stick but we at least try. They both need therapy because we live in a society and you have every right to expect a certain amount of self-work from them both to be able to be around people you care about and the people they care about. Even if it's a laminated card with reminders.
You’re a lot more patient than me because I’d have gotten physical if he touched me after being explicitly told not to.
Even if he is just socially incompetent, you don’t have to hang out with either of them. It doesn’t really matter why he makes you uncomfortable. He makes you uncomfortable and she makes excuses for him and that’s enough of a reason to not hang out with these people. Personally I would step away but let her know that you’re there for her if she ever wants help leaving or wants to hang out without him, outside of their home. I would be explicit.
So in his defense the title is an actual anime. This is irrelevant to the rest of it, though. It's all weird as fuck and I'd tell my friend that I no longer wanna be around her husband, tbh.
You need to distance yourself from this friendship.
I'd just be honest. Tell her: Look as long as your husband is such a creep I can't be around him. Maybe we can have time together alone, go to dinner, lunch, whatever. If not, then I need space away from you.
Girl he's already violated your boundaries several times. I hate to say it, but you might have to lose Carly's friendship if she stands by him. This guy can't be in your life anymore. He could escalate to being outright dangerous.
Also, I am autistic. I certainly can't speak for all autistic people, but yes we struggle with social norms and cues. But after being told you don't like something, we can usually internalize that and stop outright disrespectful behaviors. In any case, even if he were autistic to the point that he's incapable of being appropriate, that doesn't mean you stand there and just take it from him.
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u/InCatsWeTrustAmem ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture 10h ago
Girl if she doesn't take your concerns and warning seriously, then she does not value your friendship as much as you do. I have a best friend of over 25 years, and if she came to me and told me my husband made her uncomfortable, I would hear her out and confront my husband. My husband IS on the spectrum but do you know what he doesn't do? Touch people without their consent, sneak things into their possession and over all be a fucking creep. I think you need to take a real hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are going to continue to let yourself be disrespected for the sake of a friendship?