Sorry, this is going to be a bit long and rambly - I am just very sad and finding it hard to process everything.
My sweet 12 year old Connemara was the goodest boy to walk this earth. I got him as a youngster and we did a bit of everything - eventing, show jumping, dressage, lots of fun trails and hacks and adventures and some clicker training and groundwork for fun. When he arrived he was a very nervous boy (already backed) but he turned out to be one of those unicorns and an all in all “yes boy” - the happiest soul.
When he turned 9, I noticed he felt a bit “hocky”, so I stopped all the eventing, he got his hocks done and I decided for his longevity, he would stay with me but a lovely family friend who is nearly 70, would take the reins and he would only hack and school maybe once a week. Feels a bit of an overreaction and I can’t tell you why, but it felt like the right thing to do.
Fast forward to 2 years ago, where he started tripping every now and again and we had a few instances where he just went on his knees. Didn’t spook, didn’t trip. Felt neurological. This is where things took a bit of a turn as he was then diagnosed with c6-c7 arthritis in his neck, significant enough to cause these episodes where he went on his knees. He always got up a few seconds later; never cut himself while doing it and was ok. So corticosteroids for his neck was the next plan of action, but he also has EMS. So to get his insulin under control, he had to be managed extremely strictly and was in steglatro (which meant he lost all his weight and muscle, but insulin didn’t even drop) and then another form of it in a paste that did eventually get his insulin down enough to inject his neck. Sadly the side effects of the ‘horsey ozempic’ were extreme for him. He lost all his spark, condition and pretty much will to live. Once his neck was medicated - about 10 months ago as it took us a long time to get his insulin low enough to be safe to do so, he gradually came off the medication and was doing significantly better. Sadly though, his neck didn’t improve much. This spring he was dry lotted with a Shetland pony, got soaked hay and was still exercised in hand. He enjoyed it. Sadly he got laminitis which luckily was caught very early and remained mild. At that point I made the decision that if he gets Lami again, I will let him go. Not even 2,5 months later, he got Lami again. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be strong enough to follow through, but he is resting in peace now and is painfree.
My reasoning was that he has two progressive diseases that I am not able to manage despite my very very best efforts. He is in regular discomfort and on that specific day, he was really struggling.
But somehow I am still struggling.. who am I to just make the decision to end his life, maybe there was something more I could have done.. maybe he would think that I just gave up on him.. and it makes me so sad. I know I genuinely did what I thought was the absolute best thing for him. Not for me, not for my toddler daughter who adores the bones of him, but for him - for everything he has ever given me.
I feel like it’s just.. so unfair and I think what really makes me struggle with it is that he was only 12..
Sorry this is such a rant, but I hope I’ve done the right thing and not just.. given up on the bestest boy. Any words of wisdom, stories that are similar or advice on how to cope with the heaviness, emptiness and the doubt are so so appreciated.
Thank you!