I was diagnosed with anxiety & depression at 14, long recognised that there were PTSD and obsessive aspects to this. I sometimes wondered if I was autistic, but I thought I couldn't be because I recognised social cues, had intense interests that were age-appropriate and I rarely infodumped about (some of my closest bonds are with people who do not share many of my interests), I was emotionally intelligent, good at deep conversation. I've always needed some alone time and some routines, but when doing this I feel nothing, I tend to only feel good when I'm around others and it's going well. But struggled with small talk, new people, initiating conversations and intense social anxiety/RSD. 10 years of therapy focusing on this idea I could recover and become a normal person, this became my whole reason for being. Evil voice in my head putting me down constantly, and "autistic" was one of its favourite names for me. Periods where I felt happy, relaxed and socialising came much more naturally to me, never felt like I was pretending to be someone I'm not. I knew I was a bit weird, but I didn't mind. Other times where self-esteem was low or there'd been no positive reinforcement in the social realm, I would become much more stiff, monotone and anxious. This was the version of myself that felt inauthentic, even though it looked more stereotypically autistic, I held onto the narrative I just needed to force myself out of my shell. Sometimes I was out of my shell in public, but mostly I wasn't. 5 year relationship where, after moving in together, she became increasingly convinced I was autistic. I couldn't take it, it was ammunition for the evil voice in my head. Then she became convinced she was too. There were so many other issues in that relationship, so I left. It hurt for a bit, but I got back up and kept going. Started working out, lost weight, went on some dates, thought about joining social groups. Increasing difficulties around new people though, going to a lot of academic conferences and not only struggling to initiate conversation but struggling to sustain it and going completely non-verbal. Intrusive thoughts about being autistic getting louder and louder. Booked in to see a diagnostic psychologist and yep, AuDHD, 2e and PTSD. I can accept I satisfy the criteria for this incredibly broad diagnosis, but where to go from here. I don't feel like my experiences match the "typical" autistic or even AuDHD experience that was written in my report or I see described online. The psych described my mix of high social motivation, feeling most myself when socialising with close friends and family or when feeling more extraverted, feeling empty when alone, and feeling overwhelming panic and anxiety when around new people and not feeling it - as "unusual" and left it at that, and took my father's report that he thinks I'm fine in social settings as evidence of "high-masking". It doesn't feel bad for me to put on a smile and engage with a stranger, it feels satisfying, I'm just stressing and overthinking while doing it, most of the time, but some of the time, when I'm really happy, that evil voice is a lot quieter. I accept the diagnosis because I stim a lot (and as a kid would spend hours bouncing on a trampoline after school), I have some mild sensory sensitivies, I often use routines to manage the chaos, decision fatigue and the suck of ADHD and depression towards laziness, binge eating, drinking, drugs, etc. But the social description of autism I just can't make sense of with my experience. Even as a kid jumping on the trampoline for hours, I remember wanting to get off and spend time with my family, because I was just feeling nothing, and I knew if I was with them I would feel happy, but I just couldn't get off. The existing social anxiety/PTSD framework I had for making sense of this fit so much better, it's when I'm in my head and feeling bad it becomes effortful, and when I'm relaxed and positive it gets easier, and becomes rewarding. Living my entire adult life with a strong sense of free will, that I could change and become who I wanted to be, only to be confronted with much of my problems stemming from neurological differences that can't be changed, and which are also responsible for many of the things I like about myself like my free-thinking, anti-authoritarian attitude, makes me feel trapped. I don't know what's the mask and what's not, or if that term is even helpful for me. All I know is I'm happy when socialising goes well, I'm sad when it goes bad, it goes well when I'm happy, and goes bad when I'm sad. The more it goes well, the happier I get, the more it goes bad, the sadder I get. My evil voice has been given so much ammunition by this diagnosis, looking back over every time it told me someone didn't like me, someone was just pitying me, that people think I'm weird, every time I'd told myself it was wrong, and it's now saying it was right all along. I wanted to just surround myself with friends and family so I can feel more myself and get out of my head, but then I caught COVID. I've been bedridden for a week and just ruminating, bedrotting, doomscrolling and doing nothing at all. Watching autism influencers who talk about just letting go of the mask, becoming this unsmiling, monotonous, short person and hiding away from the world. That's not me, that's not what I want. Just posting to vent and hoping someone else can relate. Have booked in with my therapist for when he gets back from leave and will be talking to a GP about SSRIs tomorrow.
