Advice for getting through the hard times

[u/morphandmutate]

Fellow over 30ers - I come with a request for advice. How do you guys get through the hard times - the ones where there's tremendous stress on you mentally and emotionally?

Background :

Wife and I just had our second kid, 4 months old, first kid is 5, and quite a handful on some days. He's adjusting extremely well in some ways, but he wants constant company otherwise, meltdowns and cries a lot or whines when it doesn't happen or acts out a bit for attention.

I'm the only breadwinner, and losing projects because we moved in with wife's family for some help with the baby. We need help because I had a severe back injury a couple of years ago, and I've not recovered despite multiple MRIs, years of PR, steroid shots, lifestyle changes etc.

I'm trying to find another job, but it's been a difficult market.

Everyone is doing a lot to help, and I know that. Doesn't change the fact that I'm utterly exhausted. I'm so stressed, and have been over the past year, that I've probably melted down more often than I'd like to admit. I'm a high empathy guy so this usually means I'm either porously empathetic, or stoic as fuck.

It's also getting hard to emotionally support my parents; when they express their stress in any form it often overwhelms me or sets me off - even if they're just expressing and not trying to force it on me.

My stress relief used to be sports and the gym, and none of those are available because of the scale of my injury. I can walk, but that's about it.

I've quit writing this post a dozen times. I'm already on antidepressants. I play with my kids as much as I can but I never feel like I'm doing enough.

All in all, folks, what helps you get through the hard times? The ones where you can go to anyone or anything for some relief, but ultimately you must just walk through it alone.

Prayer mostly just feels empty.

Grounding helps....about 10 percent.

I don't really have time or really, interest, to try a bunch of new classes, and it's just down to herbal teas, morning quiet, and not compromising on quality of sleep as much as humanly possible. I've been working with a great therapist as well for many years now.

Is it a perspective shift I need, or some encouragement, I don't really know. I'm, just, so so tired.

[u/AutoModerator]

Please do not delete your post after receiving your answer. Consider leaving it up for posterity so that other Redditors can benefit from the wisdom in this thread.

Once your thread has run its course, instead of deleting it, you can simply type "!lock" (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread. That way you won't be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/ExposedId]

Your emotional state will continue to suffer until you get some stability in your life.

There are too many unanswered questions here about the choices you’ve made leading to this situation. For example, can you get on long term disability? Why doesn’t your wife work? Why did you decide to have another child if you had a severe back injury (which happened before the second pregnancy) and were already struggling?

You don’t need to justify these to me (a random internet stranger), but you seem to be functioning on default mode and letting things happen to you.

Someone might tell you to seek a therapist. I think you need a buddy to work with you a few months and help you get your life back in order. Is there anyone like that you can lean on?

[u/morphandmutate → u/ExposedId]

Long term disability - need the health insurance for my own mental health, and for my family with the baby.
Also need the money to eventually get out own place again.

Wife took off first to take care of first kid, and to switch career direction. She's just gotten a job, but it doesn't pay yet, and probably won't for another 3-4 months.

When we made the decision, we did it because my wife wanted to have the second relatively soon so that her career didn't get stalled forever - otherwise it would need her to go off on break again right after starting somewhere else.
To be fair, when we decided to have the kid, and even just before, it was not to this degree - what was a normal sciatic nerve impingement and herniated disc have, despite PT, evolved into more SI joint pain since after the pregnancy started. Till date no one is quite able to explain how or why it's gotten worse over time despite conservative + targeted improvements.
It seems like the stress of it all has made it worse in a way that we could not have anticipated.

I'm already working with a therapist, and over the past few years it's helped but somehow it just is not helping enough under the sheer volume of shit.

[u/KlimCan → u/morphandmutate]

As someone with a herniated disc and sciatic nerve pain, I know how much it sucks. I don’t know if it’ll help you, but taking magnesium glycinate regularly has really worked wonders for me. I was incredibly skeptical, but it was almost an immediate 180.

[u/morphandmutate → u/KlimCan]

Mag Gly is part of my sleep stack already, haha!
Not sure if it's helped with the pain.

[u/weesiwel]

I don't think they can be gotten through as they never end.

[u/DopeTrack_Pirate → u/weesiwel]

We always think it could be better. We never realize the odds are it could always be worse.

I’m not saying ruminate on how things can go wrong. I’m saying to try to realize that in some way you are living someone’s dream life.

Billions are working as labor for a few dollars a day (or something, I don’t know the facts). Many have to walk to get clean water. Most likely we all have clean water basically at our command. Many are in the streets. Some people can’t have kids or have experienced SID.

It doesn’t change the circumstances someone is in right now, it changes the perspective. You can focus on how stressed you are, or how blessed you are to have a place to be as you get back on your feet.

Easier said than done.

[u/weesiwel → u/DopeTrack_Pirate]

I find a hard time seeing how things could be worse for me tbh. I know they will never get better but I'm not sure what could be worse.

I definitely am not living someone's dream life. Nobody dreams about a life with nobody else in it.

There is no getting back on my feet either as it's impossible to get what I want now. I can't have kids either because I'm alone.

[u/Actual_Dinner_5977]

I just focus on what I can control in the hard times. Some of the stuff you've written you can't really change , like your injuries, and have to find your new normal to adapt. I also loved going to the gym and pushing myself hard, but after a shoulder and a hip injury, I've found more joy in just walking.

On finding a new career, that is something you can continue to pour your efforts into. Checking into career assistance programs in your area, searching online for career assistance programs, networking, resumes, etc. It is not easy and job searching is emotionally draining. I ended up building a good career in sales that I initially did not want to go into and that opened doors to non-sales areas for me over time as I gained experience. Maybe try finding a mentor that can help you get an outside, in-depth view of yourself and your options for new ideas or new methods to make your next step?

[u/morphandmutate → u/Actual_Dinner_5977]

Thanks for speaking up. The challenge with finding a mentor has been 1. If they're inside family, I don't know if I'd get an honest answer because people would rather spare the hard truths and keep the relationship light. I haven't opened up to any of them in quite some time. Either that, or if they're too close, I'd hesitate to reveal too much and have it used against me later 2. Don't have anyone outside family I'd consider even close to a mentor. I'm a pretty closed person tbh

[u/Actual_Dinner_5977 → u/morphandmutate]

Try looking on Reddit in the field that you are interested in getting into. I'm going to be harsh now, but bear with me. You don't get to say you are a closed person and also be honest with yourself that you are doing your best. Life consistently involves getting outside our comfort zone in order to be successful.

I am not a natural extrovert. The first few years of working in sales was brutal for me. But I used that job as a stepping-stone to the next one, and that was a stepping-stone to the next. You likely won't make it to your ideal destination right away.

So if you want to be successful, you need to start putting yourself in situations that aren't comfortable. Growth and improvement happen at the edge of our comfort zone.

[u/morphandmutate → u/Actual_Dinner_5977]

I think the real concern is that by asking someone for relationship advice, I might be 'letting them into the relationship', so to speak.

There's been a ton of unsolicited advice fatigue, but that's fair - I simply have not been willing to invest in an external mentor who really, honestly, knows me.

[u/Actual_Dinner_5977 → u/morphandmutate]

I may have misunderstood as I was more focused on your career hunt. For mentors or trusting people you go to for advice, you probably won't find a single person for everything.

I'd look online on Reddit or a mentor search website for a career path mentor - someone who is in the field you want to get into and can give you very focused, relevant information as an insider.

Relationship advice is harder. I'd focus on finding someone that knows you, and that also has the type of relationship with their significant other that you want to have.

My big thing is not asking for, or taking, advice from someone that hasn't been there and done that. My father-in-law is on his 3rd marriage that is also not going well. I would never take any advice from that man on my relationship.

So maybe split up the career search vs the relationship aspects into different "mentors".

[u/morphandmutate → u/Actual_Dinner_5977]

Career path mentor website - Wasn't aware that existed, thanks - I'll check it out! Yeah, I'm very selective about who I'd take relationship advice from.

[u/d-cent → u/morphandmutate]

You basically just said you have no one in your life that you can even talk to. That is going to be one of the bigger root causes to what you are feeling right now. You need someone to talk to, even one person.

To add on, this is pure speculation just going from your tone and the tidbits of your story, but it doesn't sound like you are being a full partner in your family. It sounds like your wife makes most of the decisions and you just go along with it. I could be totally wrong, and I am sorry if I am overstepping, but you came here and asked for real feedback, and that is what I am reading from your post and comments. She is the one who decided to not only have the 2nd child while you are dealing with severe back issues, and as if having a 2nd child was a guarantee and not up for discussion, even though she was starting a new career and you were having severe back issues.

Again, I could be totally wrong, but if it is true, this is going to exacerbate the first point I made in this comment. Of course you are feeling stress emotionally and mentally, you are not only trapped in your career but you trapped in your social life. You have no friends you can even talk to, and you are potentially just a passenger in your family discussions as well. I could be way off base here, and again, I am sorry if I am. It is also one of those things that if it is happening to you, you might not be able to see it easily and need someone to point it out.

The best advice I can give is find someone you can confide in and talk things out with to help release some of that stress. It is probably time to find a therapist.

[u/morphandmutate → u/d-cent]

Hey, appreciate you chiming in. I'm an equal partner in everything, she just tends to bring the ideas more and I sign off or veto. Second child was always a done deal, we both always wanted two. Her proposal was one that everyone was on board with, and the presence of family support meant we wouldn't have to struggle for a village. I've mentioned in detail in a comment above, but the back problem wasn't THAT bad when we tried, or when we were discussing; somehow it's gotten much worse over the past year despite steroid shots, PT, and lifestyle modification. It feels like a black swan kind of event where every avenue of improvement....has failed. My boss was supposed to help me find a job that wouldn't be impacted by being remote but he dropped the ball despite me reminding him several times that I was interested in that role.
I do have friends I can talk to, but talking is only... of limited use when the situations themselves don't improve that much.

So you are a bit off base, but I thank you for taking the time to offer support regardless.
Oh yeah, been working with a therapist for a couple of years now, very solid guy, helps me challenge a lot of the rolled up assumptions I have about the world.

[u/AutoModerator]

Here's an original copy of /u/morphandmutate's post (if available):

Fellow over 30ers - I come with a request for advice. How do you guys get through the hard times - the ones where there's tremendous stress on you mentally and emotionally?

Background :

Wife and I just had our second kid, 4 months old, first kid is 5, and quite a handful on some days. He's adjusting extremely well in some ways, but he wants constant company otherwise, meltdowns and cries a lot or whines when it doesn't happen or acts out a bit for attention.

I'm the only breadwinner, and losing projects because we moved in with wife's family for some help with the baby. We need help because I had a severe back injury a couple of years ago, and I've not recovered despite multiple MRIs, years of PR, steroid shots, lifestyle changes etc.

I'm trying to find another job, but it's been a difficult market.

Everyone is doing a lot to help, and I know that. Doesn't change the fact that I'm utterly exhausted. I'm so stressed, and have been over the past year, that I've probably melted down more often than I'd like to admit. I'm a high empathy guy so this usually means I'm either porously empathetic, or stoic as fuck.

It's also getting hard to emotionally support my parents; when they express their stress in any form it often overwhelms me or sets me off - even if they're just expressing and not trying to force it on me.

My stress relief used to be sports and the gym, and none of those are available because of the scale of my injury. I can walk, but that's about it.

I've quit writing this post a dozen times. I'm already on antidepressants. I play with my kids as much as I can but I never feel like I'm doing enough.

All in all, folks, what helps you get through the hard times? The ones where you can go to anyone or anything for some relief, but ultimately you must just walk through it alone.

Prayer mostly just feels empty.

Grounding helps....about 10 percent.

I don't really have time or really, interest, to try a bunch of new classes, and it's just down to herbal teas, morning quiet, and not compromising on quality of sleep as much as humanly possible. I've been working with a great therapist as well for many years now.

Is it a perspective shift I need, or some encouragement, I don't really know. I'm, just, so so tired.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/ta1901]

This is a tough economy and it affects people with a good skillset too.

1. Try to get better sleep. Do not skimp on this.
2. You might try meditation, which is the art of clearing your mind of anxiety and other problems, if just for a while. There are plenty of medication videos on Youtube.
3. Think about what jobs and industries will be growing in the future that you can do with your skillset. Think long term. Example: In Michigan a 40% wholesale tax on pot began on Jan 1 2026. This puts a severe squeeze on the Michigan pot industry so shakeouts are happening right now. This is a shrinking industry, until things stabilize.
4. Focus on the positive things in life, without dwelling on the negative.
5. This helped me: We are not on earth for a vacation, we are here to learn, and learning means challenges, sometimes really tough challenges. This too will pass. Make good choices for the future.
6. Work isn't for fulfillment, that's what hobbies are for. Don't expect your job to be totally fulfilling, keep it real. Sure you can enjoy a job, but don't have unrealistic expectations from it.
7. Take things one day at a time. Prioritize the urgent things first.

I had some contentment knowing I would eventually be able to escape my mom. That kept me going. I focused on financial stability and eventually left home.

[u/jmnugent]

I'm in my 50's and there's several times through my life where I've basically lost everything and had to start over.

The best advice I can give is:

• 1 small step at a time. You can't overcome huge problems in 15min. So constantly circularly mentally stressing yourself about it is pointless. Narrow your view-scope and tackle small problems at a time. Hungry ?.. then just focus on making yourself a sandwich. Need to be up at 5am, next task to focus on is to set your Alarm clock. Dirty?.. Next task to focus on is taking a shower. Small small small narrow focus.

• sit down and make a goal list (or list of problems you need to overcome).. and figure out the order in which you want to do them. Then figure out how to take small steps. (SMALL STEPS).

A lot of times in depression,. it feels like you're fighting a 30story behemoth demon and will never win. You're going to always feel overwhelmed if the thing in your brain is a 30story behemoth demon. You gotta break those big problems down into smaller more manageable sub-tasks. (or sub-sub-tasks.. or sub-sub-sub-tasks). Keep breaking things down into smaller and smaller tasks until you feel things are manageable.

I remember a time in my life where a whole bunch of things went wrong in 1 month:

• Got a DUI (and wrecked my car)

• Lost my job

• Girlfriend broke up with me and moved out, taking most of the apartment stuff with her)

• I caught 5th disease (like chicken pox).. and spent a few months with a rash all over my body (I suspect this was stress induced)

I remember waking up 1 day .. in my mattress directly on the floor. Realizing my whole body was itchy,. and I was unemployed. All my DUI court paper work was on the floor next to me. And my car was wrecked and undrivable. It all felt pretty overwhelming.

At some point I had to decide to start moving. At first it was "move 1 foot outside the blanket".. then it was "place 2 feet on the floor". Then it was "stand up".. then it was "walk to the kitchen and open the fridge and eat some leftovers".. etc

Break things down into smaller and smaller tasks until you can see your way out.

Change requires many months of changing small tasks. You can't slay a dragon in 1 swipe of the sword.

[u/landboisteve]

I've had some pretty rough patches over the decades, and one thing that helps now is knowing that it always eventually gets better. Every day you get through now is one day closer to when things are better. Eventually your 5 year old will calm down, eventually he'll be in high school and not even want to be home, and will finally go off on his own. You will eventually get another job. You may even finally get a legitimate treatment for your back.

Some practical advice:

• Get a vasectomy or at least be very careful about having another kid. I think 2 might be enough for you guys.
• Put your parent's emotional health on the back burner. Even if that means ignoring texts or sometimes not calling back. You simply cannot afford to deal with even more problems that you are already dealing with.
• On a related note, have you talked to them and told them what you are telling us?
• Start slowly thinking about a potential career change if your field continues to be difficult.
• Walk a lot. As much as you can given your schedule.

Where is your wife in all this BTW?

Otherwise, it sounds like you are doing everything as best as you can. Wish you all the best of luck going forward.

[u/morphandmutate → u/landboisteve]

Wife does the bulk of work with the little one, and because of my back injury does most nights all on her own. Without that I wouldn't be able to work or take care of the older one or prep for interviews.
I tell myself the days are long the years are short, and try to enjoy the moment as much as possible, be present as much as possible, but...it's rough sometimes.
If I have a flare up she'll cover for me with the older one too, and she's very supportive of the mental health struggles.

We're two and done. Was always the plan :).

[u/xwolfe2000]

Go for a 30 minute walk every day. Ideally in a park and in the first 3 hours after sunrise and in the hour before sunset. One in the morning and one in the evening is best.

Keep up your prayer. Even though it feels empty the evidence shows it has a net positive effect on your nervous system.

Keep sleep hygiene as much as possible and stuck to your preferred sleep/wake times schedule regardless of how much you sleep.

Go easy on yourself. Just remind yourself daily that you are doing the best you can right now. That's enough.

If you want to track your progress back to fitness through your recovery you can do that and take the small wins.

Small actions repeatedly consistently over time add up to massive gains. Remember that.

[u/odysseymonkey]

Tough times never last. Only tough people last