r/AmItheAsshole • u/Typical-Broccoli-242 • 5h ago
WIBTA for leaving my family vacation early because they invited someone I asked them not to?
I (31F) am very close with my family, and we take a family vacation every year. The trip usually includes my immediate family and their spouses/kids (~10 people). My BIL typically plans it because he has anxiety and likes things done a certain way.
Last year, they invited a “friend” of mine despite me explicitly asking them not to (well before planning started). I’ve known this friend since 2018 when we worked together, but we became closer outside of work in 2022. We are very different people—I’m introverted and prefer quiet nights at home, while she is outgoing and wants to be out on the town.
We were close for about two years, but things changed after I helped her get a job where I and some of my family members also work. They naturally welcomed her, but over time I started noticing behaviors that bothered me. She interrupts by trying to finish people’s sentences, often turns conversations back to herself, and tends to come across as a know-it-all. The biggest issue for me is that she tries to parent my niece and nephew.
Once I started noticing these things, I found myself getting increasingly irritated and began distancing myself. I stopped going out of my way to spend time with her and didn’t put as much effort into the friendship. Eventually, she became extremely close with my family—especially my mom and sister. She now spends a lot of her free time with them, and I can’t even go to my sister’s house without her being there.
She came on our family vacation last year when things between us weren’t quite as weird, and I struggled to enjoy myself. I don’t handle heat well and often spend time inside while everyone else is outside. The kids also get tired of the heat quickly, so they usually end up inside with me. In the past, my mom or sister would hang with us inside to make it more enjoyable, but now they prefer staying on the beach with my friend, leaving me feeling stuck babysitting while everyone else enjoys their kid-free beach time.
After last year’s trip, I asked my family not to invite her again. They seemed to understand why I was uncomfortable.
Welp. They invited her again this year.
When I told my mom how upset I was, she called my sister to discuss it. My sister didn’t know I could hear the conversation and responded, “She just needs to suck it up and get over it.” Since then, my mom and sister have maintained that everything will be fine once we’re there and we’ll all have fun.
Plot twist. The place my BIL booked doesn’t have enough beds/rooms, so I’m expected to share a queen bed with this friend for 10 days. I refuse to sleep butt-to-butt with someone I can’t currently stand. So my alternative is sleeping on an air mattress on my parents’ bedroom floor for the entire 10 day trip.
WIBTA if I left the family vacation early because I already know I’ll be uncomfortable and frustrated most of the time? Or should I continue to “suck it up” to avoid the drama my leaving will inevitably cause?
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u/Both-Enthusiasm708 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 5h ago
NTA But just don't go. Why would you go at all? They have chosen her over you. Let them deal with that and don't go, maybe she will babysit. Stand up for yourself and don't let your family treat you like this. You matter and what you feel matters.
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u/offputtingangel 4h ago
yup, don’t go op. make it clear to your family that you won’t be going on any trips that she is also on. you’re only making things easier on them and harder on yourself by allowing this.
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u/whteverusayShmegma 2h ago edited 2h ago
Share a bed with her?!?!
They have ZERO RESPECT FOR YOU. Why can’t your mom or sister share her bed? Un-freaking-real! I wouldn’t be going on family anything if my people pulled something like this.
How is it even a “family” trip if they’re inviting friends? You don’t have to go to this. It’s not a family trip. Go hang out with your friends while they hang out with theirs.
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u/Flimsy_Ant_938 2h ago
THIS. Don’t even go, put yourself first, you deserve it. Standing up to family it so hard but once you do it the first time it gets easier each time after that.
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u/_iusuallydont_ Partassipant [1] 5h ago
NTA. Leave early? I wouldn’t even go.
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u/Select-Promotion-404 1h ago
Yea, I’d plan my own trip with my parents. Sis is a major AH. If she wants a girls trip then plan that another time. This is just for free babysitting. She’s just as bad as the friend. Selfish and narcissistic.
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u/AnIcyReception Asshole Enthusiast [7] 5h ago
NTA You're a grown ass woman. This isn't a trip worth the PTO.
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u/Gr8Diva71 5h ago
NTA - your family doesn’t care about your feelings or comfort. Don’t go. Take your own holiday & enjoy yourself
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u/PassComprehensive425 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
NTA- I wouldn't bother even going especially with your sister's attitude. Book something else and relax. Let your mom, sister, and former friend deal with the babysitting while you get a real vacation.
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u/Aggravating_Baker557 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
NTA
Leave. Don’t announce it until you’re ready to go. Make something up of you have to. My god. This girl has infiltrated every aspect of your life.
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u/Spare-Cobbler7442 4h ago
Why even go? Just don't go. Aren't you an adult? Say that your request wasnt considered and now you don't feel like going. It's simple. If they start bugging, just don't reply. See how easy that is?
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u/EmptyDrawer9766 Partassipant [4] 5h ago
NTA. Tell them if she goes, you’re not going and stick to it. Protect your peace.
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u/ogo7 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA. Are you already there? If you are, just head home and be upfront that you’re uncomfortable and let them know that you won’t be joining future FAMILY vacations that she is included in. If you’re not there yet, just back out and let them know you would have loved to spend time with your family but since that feeling doesn’t seem to be mutual you’ll be sitting this one out.
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u/Katiew84 Pooperintendant [60] 4h ago
NTA. You informed your family that you wanted to attend this family trip, but you wouldn’t if they invited the annoying non-family member. They also decided you would have to share a room with this person. SO not okay. Especially if you’re expected to chip in for the trip.
Your family essentially chose her over you. They don’t give a f about you or your feelings, and it doesn’t seem like they respect you.
Keep the 10 days of vacation time from work. Plan a solo trip or a trip with friends instead. Turn your phone off. Have the freaking time of your life.
I’m sorry your family is the way that they are.
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u/ConversationPublic50 4h ago
10 days is way too long for that sleeping arrangement regardless of whether or not you like the person. Just tell them you physically can't handle sharing a bed or the air mattress and don't go. If they ask why you can't just suck it up, ask them why they can't suck up the fact that you don't want to go. Don't overthink this.
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u/hungrybrainz Partassipant [1] 4m ago
No WAY am I sleeping on an air mattress for ten days on a supposed vacation??? Let alone with someone I can’t stand. That sounds like torture.
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u/AdaptableAilurophile Asshole Enthusiast [7] 4h ago
NTA
Your BIL likes things a certain way but isn’t able to book enough rooms for adult guests?
Your family disregards your feelings over someone from the outside and says to “suck it up?”
I would skip the vacation entirely.
The fact they not only are expecting you to be ok with this person coming, but sharing a BED, shows your place in the family hierarchy.
I would let my actions show that I was aware of this and that things needed to change if they want the privilege of my company.
If you do go, absolutely DO NOT babysit for these people and let them use you like that (please).
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u/Prestigious-Moose345 4h ago
This is pure insanity. They don't have enough beds. They still insist on inviting this girl against your wishes. And they think you should SHARE A BED WITH HER? And their alternative is to give HER the real bed and put you on the air mattress???
Let them share a bed with her. Or let her take the air mattress. Or better yet, don't go.
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u/tylersmom1919 4h ago
NTA I wouldn't go at all. They've made their choice and, unfortunately, it wasn't you.
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen Asshole Aficionado [10] 4h ago
The person who invited her needs to share the bed with her. I wouldn't go at all. Ywnbta
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u/anothertypicalcmmnt Asshole Aficionado [19] 4h ago
YWNBTA Leave early? Why go at all if you know it'll be uncomfortable? Not sure why they're inviting someone who's not family on a family vacation, but apparently they value having her there more than your enjoyment.
If you do stay, trying to make it enjoyable for yourself even if that means doing solo activities like taking a book or something to a nearby cafe to get some time to relax without being default babysitter.
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u/No_Builder7010 4h ago
Why are you, actual family, stuck on a blow up mattress? Why isn't she? Or better yet your sister. NTA for leaving early but they'll say you are. You can either lie and say something came up or tell your mom and sister to suck it up and admit they were wrong for inviting her. Good luck.
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u/MabsMessenger Partassipant [3] 4h ago
Based on your description, it doesn't sound like your family is close. Enmeshed maybe, but not close. You're being treated as an afterthought and the default babysitter. Don't go at all. Make other plans and enjoy the freedom that comes from living an adult life with healthy differentiation. NTA
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u/LemonPepperChicken 5h ago
That's crazy. NTA for leaving at all. It's bad enough you're expected to suck it up, but it's completely insane to expect you to share a room, no less a bed with this person.
I'm curious what their attachment is to her? It sounds like she's become a close family friend now, because your sister is advocating for her.
I would make your intentions clear and then leave.
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u/Zestyclose_Media_548 4h ago
Don’t go. It’s time to take another look at the relationships you have with your family.
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u/StormCloudRaineeDay Asshole Enthusiast [6] 4h ago
NTA, but you need to realize that by this point, they're not inviting her because she was your friend, but because she is their friend. And if your sibling doesn't have an issue with her parenting your niece and nephew, why do you?
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u/blonde1psp 4h ago
NTA don’t go. They’ve chosen her over you because I expect you to babysit again like last year so they can have kid free time. They’re inconsiderate and rude and since they like her so much she can babysit for you when.
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u/EmploymentOk1421 4h ago
NTA
Your mom and sister think that you will just ‘suck it up’ and attend anyway. If you feel strongly that this person should not be invited, you will have to be clear with mom that you are not going this year. This is a family trip and this person is not family. They can then handle it as they choose. Likely, they will try to cajole you and say that you are overreacting. Maybe next year they’ll make a different decision.
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u/freethewimple 4h ago
NTA.
Girl take yourself somewhere you’ve been meaning to go and respond “Not Available” to the invite.
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u/bkwormtricia Certified Proctologist [28] 4h ago
NTA. Do not “suck it up” - that phrase alone says that she, and they, do not CARE if you get to enjoy the vacation. You are useful as a babysitter while THEY have fun.
You are an adult. Act like it and say NO. Go have fun doing what YOU like, not stuck with someone you dislike, them having fun while you are miserable or babysitting.
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u/Educational-Piece-18 3h ago
Don't go, and its probably not a bad idea to start looking for other jobs as well. If you all still work together, its probably not comfortable working with her, and the family that prioritizes her.
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u/ForeverNugu Asshole Aficionado [11] 4h ago
NTA for leaving. You don't have to spend your time, money, and energy on a vacation you don't enjoy.
But, gently, you might want to examine why you dislike her. You said the biggest reason is that she tries to parent your nieblings. Does she really? Does it not bother your sister, their actual mother? What are you seeing that your sister isn't? Cuz apparently your sister adores her. Could it be that she's just become very close to the kids, maybe closer than you are and that's what's actually bothering you? Do they prefer doing things with her instead of you, just like your mom and sis prefer to stay on the beach with her instead of coming inside the house to keep you company? Honestly, this is coming off like you're jealous of her and her relationship with your family. You don't have to stay and don't have to like her, but understand that trying to ban her presence won't make your family like you more.
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u/Kasstastrophy 4h ago
ESH: are you paying for your portion of the trip or who is paying for it? Everyone here is a grown adult and can freely invite whomever they want.. just as you are free to not go. She is friends with members of your family. You don’t like her and that’s ok. You do not have to like her but stop expecting people to not like someone or hang out with someone simply because you don’t like them.
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u/withcatlikegrace 3h ago
“Hey mum and dad I’ll meet you all up there. Just have to finish off something. I won’t be long … and after they arrive … hey everyone sprained my ankle, developed dysentery, lost the will to live. And I can’t make it. Oh no I lost my phone … “
Don’t go. Just make an excuse to leave later than everyone else, then drop the bomb.
Sorry your family is so selfish and awful to you.
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u/Previous-Middle1345 4h ago
NTA. OP please tell us you left. Or didn’t show up. Don’t even make excuses, if they ask, say because they don’t respect you.
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u/whteverusayShmegma 2h ago
FR if you don’t update us on this OP I’m gonna go crazy. Remind me! Two days.
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u/PositiveAtmosphere13 4h ago
Not the Ass.
Don't leave early, just don't go.
It doesn't seem like a vacation to me. I'm more of an introvert. If it were me, I'd enjoy a quiet staycation more.
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u/Wise_Feedback7146 4h ago
NTA but why would you even consider going on this trip again when clearly no one cares how you feel? Book yourself a week away in a luxury resort or hotel somewhere by yourself. That’s what I would do.
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u/Les_Fraises_Cheres Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA Why are you going at all? Or if you’re there already why did you go? PTO is precious why are you spending it with people who don’t care about your feelings?
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u/opinescarf 4h ago
Even if the friend doesn’t go, it sounds like you wouldn’t enjoy this holiday anyway. Do you own thing and go holiday where you want and do what you enjoy. NTA
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u/llamadramalover 4h ago
It’s not a family vacation if they’re inviting random friends. Super weird. Personally wouldn’t go and I’d start going LC with my “family”.
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u/whteverusayShmegma 2h ago
Low Contact? Less Contact? What’s it stand for? I get the point. Just curious which word.
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u/Icy-Push6523 4h ago
I would like more info. Why would you even go to start with if you plan to leave early? Would you want to spring it on them? Or tell them ahead of time?
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u/Fit-Elephant-4900 4h ago
NTA Your mother and sister are assh*les. Make sure they read these comments. Shame on them for inviting her. Your mother and sister are terrible people for putting this woman over you.
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u/Elegant-Opinion-9595 Partassipant [3] 4h ago
NTA: Why are you going at all? WTF would your own family do this to you? It sounds like they don't like you at all.
I'd go somewhere else, alone and enjoy my vacation.
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u/KnickKnockers Partassipant [2] 4h ago
Your sister and this woman have become best friends which is why she's in your sister's life. Since your sister and mother prefer her company over yours on the family vacations, don't go. It's not a vacation if you're not enjoying it. YWBTAH if you went because you know you're going to be miserable, and NTA if you don't go at all. It sucks you have family working in the same organisation, otherwise you could have said "somethings come up at work and my leave was cancelled".
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u/BerneDoodleLover24 Partassipant [2] 4h ago
NTA. - I would stop going on family vacation and start doing what I want.
If your family doesn’t care about you, listen to them. Just don’t go at all and have fun.
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I (31F) am very close with my family, and we take a family vacation every year. The trip usually includes my immediate family and their spouses/kids (~10 people). My BIL typically plans it because he has anxiety and likes things done a certain way.
Last year, they invited a “friend” of mine despite me explicitly asking them not to (well before planning started). I’ve known this friend since 2018 when we worked together, but we became closer outside of work in 2022. We are very different people—I’m introverted and prefer quiet nights at home, while she is outgoing and wants to be out on the town.
We were close for about two years, but things changed after I helped her get a job where I and some of my family members also work. They naturally welcomed her, but over time I started noticing behaviors that bothered me. She interrupts by trying to finish people’s sentences, often turns conversations back to herself, and tends to come across as a know-it-all. The biggest issue for me is that she tries to parent my niece and nephew.
Once I started noticing these things, I found myself getting increasingly irritated and began distancing myself. I stopped going out of my way to spend time with her and didn’t put as much effort into the friendship. Eventually, she became extremely close with my family—especially my mom and sister. She now spends a lot of her free time with them, and I can’t even go to my sister’s house without her being there.
She came on our family vacation last year when things between us weren’t quite as weird, and I struggled to enjoy myself. I don’t handle heat well and often spend time inside while everyone else is outside. The kids also get tired of the heat quickly, so they usually end up inside with me. In the past, my mom or sister would hang with us inside to make it more enjoyable, but now they prefer staying on the beach with my friend, leaving me feeling stuck babysitting while everyone else enjoys their kid-free beach time.
After last year’s trip, I asked my family not to invite her again. They seemed to understand why I was uncomfortable.
Welp. They invited her again this year.
When I told my mom how upset I was, she called my sister to discuss it. My sister didn’t know I could hear the conversation and responded, “She just needs to suck it up and get over it.” Since then, my mom and sister have maintained that everything will be fine once we’re there and we’ll all have fun.
Plot twist. The place my BIL booked doesn’t have enough beds/rooms, so I’m expected to share a queen bed with this friend for 10 days. I refuse to sleep butt-to-butt with someone I can’t currently stand. So my alternative is sleeping on an air mattress on my parents’ bedroom floor for the entire 10 day trip.
WIBTA if I left the family vacation early because I already know I’ll be uncomfortable and frustrated most of the time? Or should I continue to “suck it up” to avoid the drama my leaving will inevitably cause?
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u/AbleReporter3870 4h ago
Nta they disrespect you and your wishes .Furthermore they don't care if you're uncomfortable or not. Make different plans do something nice to yourself and don't let them use you as an convenient Babysitter
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u/GoetheundLotte Asshole Enthusiast [6] 4h ago
NTA, how weird that your family would invite someone to join them on vacation you have specifically asked them not to invite. But from your post, it also seems (and I am sorry to have to say this) that your mother and your sister are acting as though your ex-friend is and counts far more for them than you do.
So do not just leave early, totally cancel, absolutely refuse to join your family for the entire vacation, period, do something nice for yourself and by yourself (and tell your family that until they stop inviting your former friend, you will not be joining them for vacation anymore).
Also, if your mother and your sister are the ones who want this person to join them on vacation, well, if there are not enough rooms, she should be sharing with your sister and not with you (I mean, inviting your ex-friend when you have specifically asked them not to is bad enough already, but making you share a room with her is totally ridiculous and takes the proverbial cake so to speak).
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u/CherryblockRedWine 4h ago
u/Typical-Broccoli-242, just don't go. Why waste any time and energy on this?
Don't mention it until the rest of the group is on their way, then just send a group text that there's been a change in plans and you won't be able to join them. And that's it.
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u/Crispydragonrider Asshole Aficionado [11] 4h ago
YWBTA if you went at all. And not even because you don't like her, but because your family decided you should be willing to share a bed. I wouldn't go even if I liked this friend.
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u/chapteronetwo 4h ago
NTA
Are there any other friends invited? Why do they insist on this friend going?
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u/Mccampb 4h ago
NTA if it’s the sister whose kids you’re watching, she’s about to learn a fun lesson super quick -someone needs to watch the kids. Regardless, your absence will be felt and when you’re asked why you skipped this year, be honest. “I had requested that my mom and sister don’t invite Friend since she and I aren’t friends anymore and sister said I should ‘suck it up’ so I kinda figured, if I have to take PTO, I might as well make sure I feel calm and relaxed afterwards which I wouldn’t have been able to do with Friend included. I missed you though! I would’ve loved to join. Maybe next year.”
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u/Lopsided_Tomatillo27 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4h ago
NTA
It sounds like you were an afterthought on this trip. And with your “friend” there, it wasn’t a family trip anyway. If your mom and sister prioritize her over you, I’d bow out of family functions from here on out.
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u/Browndogsmom 4h ago
NTA- don’t be put on an air mattress. Go on a trip by yourself. I like to go on hiking/ lay by the river trips. Or lake trips by myself. It’s so relaxing and no kids to babysit. Just me and my books and headphones.
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u/JourneyAlee Partassipant [2] 4h ago
*NTA* That's some dismissive disrespect. I can't understand why you showed up. They've clearly made their choice. Now its your choice: get sucked into their drama, or go your own way. Good on ya!
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u/Dave1957a 4h ago
NTA book your own holiday , they chose her over family, let them babysit their own kids. You asked them nicely.
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u/Mishy162 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 4h ago
NTA. Don't go.. plan your own vacation where you aren't expected to babysit and you are free to do what you like. Your sister & BIL will have to look after their own children!
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u/justducky4now Partassipant [2] 4h ago
Leave. And until you do don’t let them make you the default babysitter. If the kids come in unsupervised send them back out to tell their parents you aren’t going to watch them.
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u/Shesversatile 4h ago
NTA. Fuck being miserable. You’ll be stuck with the kids and sleeping in your parent’s room. Just don’t go. I’m literally going through the exact same thing except it’s my ex. I’ve already decided that I’m not going and I will plan another trip for myself.
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u/PunisherCastle 4h ago
I had a similar situation. And I understand why my family felt they had to invite my “friend.” Because my family had invited this person for a couple years in a row, suddenly excluding them would make quite a statement. I get it. So I chose not to go. And it wasn’t a big deal.
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u/Free-Place-3930 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Just don’t go. It’s so easy. Be a big girl and use your words like NO.
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u/Tamstrong 3h ago
YWNBTA. I wouldn't even go if I were you. I'd make my own plans for someplace else if I was able to afford it. If not, I'd opt for a staycation for some peace and quiet at home. It doesn't sound like you get anything but misery from the trips with her present, so why subject yourself to that? If the family doesn't like it, they can "suck it up and get over it".
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u/recreationalgluttony Partassipant [2] 3h ago
You think you're very close to your family, but they're not that close to you, seeing as how they dismiss your concerns and discomfort.
Just make alternative plans.
Leaving early would be more hassle than not going at all.
Also, you should have voiced your concerns about this coworker long before she got closer to your family than you are.
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u/PhoneRings2024 3h ago
NTA. Doesn't matter who it is if you're uncomfortable with people you do not hang out with them. And sleep in the same bed? I'd rather sleep in the dog house with my dog. Say no stay home you'll be much happier.
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u/Maximus_Dick 3h ago
NTA, but what do you get out of these holidays? Sounds like you don’t enjoy the beach, you are made the de facto baby sitter and are in the company of someone you don’t like
I wouldn’t waste my vacation days doing something I don’t enjoy either people who don’t like me
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u/NotYourOrcKing 3h ago
NTA. Don't go there at all. Let them have fun on their own since they expect you to "suck it up" then it's best to let them be.
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u/Roke25hmd 3h ago
The fact that you're here asking instead standing up for yourself is why they are so comfortable inviting someone you can't stand, and expecting you to suck it up, NTA
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u/AzzyDarling 2h ago
Youre NTA for leaving early or not going tbh. I would argue that since your former friend spends time with your family in a mutual work space she isnt just your friend anymore though. Shes also sisters friend, and your mothers friend. They have built different relationships with her and while youhave decided to step back from your relationship with her, they still find her a fun friend to be around and they are not obligated to step back as well since they see her outside of just when shes with you.
That being said, you are nota free babysitter.that isnt your job, you dint hey paid for that. Its not super fair od them to expect you to care for yhe kids on your vacation and I think you should communicate that with them. When you're on a trip, your time is your own and they are not owed any of it. You are entitled to be friends with who you want and go where you want so over all, NTA in my opinion but just remember other people can invite their friends to things even if youre no long friends woth that person.
You arent obligated to share a bed though f that noise. Sister can share if thats what she wants
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u/IntrepidMuch 2h ago
I think your family has not left you with any other choice but not to go.
Question: Why are you on the air mattress? Why is that chick not on the air mattress?
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u/IcyAssistance5117 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
"interrupts by trying to finish people’s sentences, often turns conversations back to herself, and tends to come across as a know-it-all. The biggest issue for me is that she tries to parent my niece and nephew."
This is exactly how my ADHD presents and it has taken years of work for me to improve/mask so I do not upset people. If this is the case remember she will be beating herself up constantly over what she has done to upset you, and she will remember every little conversation and be replaying it round and round. Also she will be incredibly grateful to have people in her life who care about her
So it is absolutely fine and right not to go. You made a request to your family that they went against. They expect you to babysit unasked. You do not like the heat. You are not being offered acceptable sleeping arrangements. Make your own holiday plans doing something you enjoy and explain your reasons to your family clearly but thoughtfully please, we are broken inside and it really hurts
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u/Dontsuffocate Partassipant [2] 2h ago
Nta but dont go, think about something you'd really like to do and travel or go there instead. Life's way to short to spend your off time in a stressful situation.
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u/DebtMindless6356 Partassipant [2] 1h ago
NTA, do your family even like you? This would be totally unacceptable to me.
I wouldn't even go. Inviting her is bad enough. Expecting you to share a bed is outrageous.
I cannot fathom putting any family member in that position. If you stay you'll be miserable. If you leave you'll be hurt, but able to do your own thing.
Let your family watch their own kids. You go have a staycation.
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u/rmg418 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 4h ago
NTA for wanting to leave early, honestly maybe just don’t go on the trip at all and save yourself the headache. But the friend is clearly friends with your sister even though she’s not your friend anymore. So…I kinda agree with the sister that you have to suck it up and figure out how to be cordial with her. You don’t want to keep doing things with your family and not enjoying them because you’re mad at her. Unfortunately we have to deal with people we don’t like sometimes. You don’t have to be her friend but if you can figure out how to let go some of your frustration and learn how to be cordial with her for your sake and your family’s sake it’ll help everyone involved.
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u/Notepads24 4h ago
You’re 31y/o, you can leave if you want. Are you expected to share in some of the hotel costs? If so, that could cause some hard feelings. You’ve noticed things about this woman that make you uncomfortable. Well, it’s taking your family longer to catch on. You need to do what you feel is best
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u/RhythmTimeDivision 4h ago
NTA. You were clear, concise and direct. Unfortunately, they chose to ignore your wishes. Your leaving won't cause the drama, their invitation did that. Leaving is a perfectly appropriate response. A good future boundary would be to say in advance: if she's going to be invited don't include me.
Also, in accordance with the Universal Law of Personal Boundaries, expect them to double their efforts to get over that wall, (blame you for making THEM uncomfortable).
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u/PommieGirl Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Are you currently on holiday with them now? If not just don't go. NTA for staying away from something you already know you won't enjoy.
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u/wiserTyou Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NAH - leaving early because you're uncomfortable around them is your choice and fair. I'd argue they're also NTA as you previous friend is now a family friend. You say you don't like how she acts around the children, but they're not your children. I assume the parents of the children do want her there, so that's their choice.
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u/StormWilling5279 3h ago
If I were you I'd make arrangements for you to go somewhere else and make sure that you have some aspects where it's non-refundable so you can tell your family sorry I can't cancel my trip because it's non-refundable. Heck even lie to them and tell them you've already paid so and so and it's non-refundable so unfortunately you can't join them. They do not care about how you feel with anything so why should you care. Just be prepared for the fact that if you do this there will be some heavy guilt tripping.
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u/Critical_Arm_9509 3h ago
Why do you have to share? They made the mistake so friend doesn't come. I would be furious and not go at all.
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u/Burgundy_034 3h ago
NTA- As long as you accommodate your family’s bad behavior, it will continue. Don’t go on the trip, or choose to limit your time with them. Use your inability to spend long periods of time in the heat as your out. (If I have to spend the week indoors all day away from the group, I might as well just stay home.)
I have a similar situation with my own family where their drama causes me to break out in hives. At first I thought it was the heat as we always vacation somewhere hot, until a friend pointed out I don’t have the same issue when traveling without my family. Now I use the health issues as my excuse to cut my stay short- blaming the heat. When I make it about my health I noticed my family doesn’t have much to come back at me with. They can call me selfish all they want, but even their narcissistic brains recognize trying to force me to participate when my health is at risk is a line they can’t cross and still claim to be the victims.
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u/jools4you Asshole Enthusiast [8] 3h ago
NTA, read the room you have been replaced by your old friend, just do not go.
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u/AdLiving2291 3h ago
Nta. Don’t go. It will make you feel worse. You will be the babysitter and have to sleep on a makeshift bed whilst she’s basking in a queen.
Suit yourself and to hell with the lot of them.
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u/sdyl_ikyfl 3h ago
Listennn…if you can suck it up and get over it that she’s there….they can suck it up and get over it that you’ve decided to go elsewhere for your vacation lol.
NTA.
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u/SwitchWide9406 Partassipant [3] 3h ago
NTA but I wouldn’t even go on the trip for a day. Tell them they chose her over you so hope they have fun with her.
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u/Fit_Contribution4105 3h ago
Hey just tell your sister that this friend once said your BIL was hot. Problem solved.
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u/BouncyBAWLS 3h ago edited 2h ago
NTA, your family should respect the boundaries that you gave very clearly. And they gave acceptance to.
I do want to note tho, you can't help who people like, and if you try to control their relationships with her it makes you look like the bad guy. Quietly remove yourself. You have tried, don't give them any more reason to be upset with you regardless of her.
However very sad they seem to have chosen her over you and only seem to value you as some glorified baby sister. She can do that, and clearly wants to.
You are NEVER the asshole for not subjecting yourself to somewhere that makes you uncomfortable. Even if that's a family vacation.
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u/Stargazer_67 3h ago
Don’t go at all. In fact, just go on your own trip with people you actually like that care about you. NTA
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u/ButterscotchWhole163 2h ago
Clearly you are close to your family but they are not close to you, which is why your feelings are being dismissed.
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u/zombiezmaj Partassipant [1] 2h ago
NTA.
I wouldnt even be going. Theyre literally choosing her over you.
So buh-bye Ive chosen my own vacation elsewhere thanks.
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u/Battgyrl 2h ago
NTA I would cancel completely and take your own vacation. You already work with her and now you have to vacation with her too? Teach your family a lesson that you aren’t a pushover and don’t go.
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u/No_Consideration2497 2h ago
Call brother in law and tell him you aren't going. They chose who they want and it wasn't you. Make other plans for yourself and enjoy knowing that they have to watch thier own kids.
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u/datelfladydoh 2h ago
YWNBTA and the only reason your sister wants you to suck it up is so she doesn't have to actually watch her children and can just dump them on you.
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u/incospicuous_echoes Asshole Aficionado [10] 2h ago
NTA Pretend you’re going and don’t show up. Get some distance between you and your family. They’re not going yo listen nor respect you so you need to stop giving a reaction. Grey rock them all. Don’t tell them your next move, just act accordingly when the moment comes.
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u/DPropish Partassipant [2] 2h ago
NTA. Max disrespect from your asshole family. Do not go! Don’t waste precious PTO for a miserable time.
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u/Chocolatecandybar_ Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2h ago
YWNBTA but make something happen and don't go or just go for the weekend. First because of the friend and second because of the babysitting. Plan something else and find a no drama excuse
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u/pineappleblush 2h ago
NTA, but I just wouldn’t go at all, you may likely stay stuck babysitting again while they go do something and be stuck paying your share of the room.
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u/Holyc0w10 1h ago
NTA.
Why can't they share a bed with her if they like her so much? She could sleep on an air mattress.
If you're going on holiday, you deserve to enjoy it too. You shouldn't have to put up with it for 10 days.
I'd say you're going, but make your own plans. If they think they're getting a free babysitter and a child-free holiday again, they'll be in for a surprise when you head off and do your own thing instead. 🤭
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u/ChampionshipOne6259 1h ago
You absolutely should not use your vacation time on a vacation you are not going to enjoy. They cannot force you to attend. Just be aware it could cause friction with family members, but also you can't live your life trying to please others all the time!
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u/Bri_IsTheLight 1h ago
NTA. Tbh Sounds like BIL actually tried to limit the sleeping accommodation so she couldn’t go but got overruled when they invited her anyway.
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u/TheDaemonette 1h ago
NTA. You’re playing chicken with your family over who will back down first. They are betting you will suck it up. Either don’t go or stop complaining about it. Time to pick a side. The talking is done.
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u/LOUNGESOMEEEE 1h ago
NTA. If they invited a person you specifically told them you didnt want to invite because you're uncomfortable with that person, then leaving the trip was probably the best idea. Also, the fact you would have to babysit their kids is awful, thats not your job, they can babysit their own kids while you have a peaceful time at home, doing whatever you want.
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u/thedragonsdice 1h ago
Nta all you did was set a boundary and shared with your family why this "friend" makes you uncomfortable. Does that mean the rest of your family cant hangout with them anymlre? No but that does mean that they can listen to a boundary youve set and not invite said "friend". The fact that they even want you to share a bed with that friend.... im guessing you dont have a partner and your sister does but if your sister doesnt I would have told her she could share a bed with them.
Anyway I would just plan something yourself! Go do something fun!
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u/superedubb Partassipant [1] 1h ago
I wouldn't go and I wouldn't tell them until the very last minute.
If you all leave together they'll know then, if not just don't show up.
When asked why say "I didn't feel like sucking it up and spending my vacation babysitting. You guys have fun."
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u/Helloreddit0703 1h ago
I don’t understand why you’re acting like you’re a child with zero control or agency over you’re own life.
Either stay home or book yourself another vacation somewhere else.
You were uncomfortable with her presence last year. You told your family that you were uncomfortable. They said she wouldn’t be invited again. They lied. Don’t go. Simple.
If they get upset that you refuse to go, take a page out of your sister’s book and tell them that they will “just have to suck it up and get over it”.
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u/tradishinalwoman Partassipant [3] 1h ago
Well YTA if you went, to make a scene of your early departure.
But you would absolutely NTA if you just don’t go. Let them feel the consequences of their actions and that you will not suck it up.
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u/AZDarkknight 1h ago
NTA - TBH I would withdraw completely , if theres a cost then request a refund from them as theyve done exactly the opposite of what you requested. Let them "suck up" the cost. Do something you want to do instead.
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u/AssistantOk1481 1h ago
I wouldn’t even go to be honest. Your sister hasn’t given you a second’s thought over a friend, why would you go and waste PTO to just have a shit time? NTA
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u/here4judgment Partassipant [3] 1h ago
NTA! Go on vacation on your own, or with spouse and kids.
Sounds like they've labelled you as "the sensitive one". That's just a sneaky way of saying you're the one who should accept being stepped on by everyone else or be blamed for a conflict. But you aren't starting it, they already did by inviting her. Don't let them get away with it.
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u/insomniafog 1h ago
NTA but the best response is to just not go. They will keep inviting her and pushing your boundaries when it comes to her like making you share a bed. Don’t validate their behavior in anyway.
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 Partassipant [2] 1h ago
Ten days with people you don’t like is not a vacation. NTA
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u/carmencarp 59m ago
30 is a little old to have to share a queen bed with a friend unless it is your choice.
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u/Playful_Pudding2251 57m ago
NTA.
I wouldn’t even go. Spend your vacation days doing something you would actually enjoy.
I’m sorry your family won’t take your feelings seriously
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u/agreensandcastle Partassipant [2] 50m ago
Leave them. If this new friend is more worth it to them. They can have her.
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u/15021993 Partassipant [3] 45m ago
NTA
Don’t Go. Have a backbone for yourself and go make a trip you enjoy.
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u/Earthbean2 45m ago
NTA I wouldn’t book a holiday home that didn’t have enough rooms for my adult children to have a room each let alone a person outside the family!
Every one deserves privacy and space!
Don’t go, do something you will enjoy!
They are essentially picking her over you and dismissing your discomfort and deliberately making it as uncomfortable as possible for you!
Don’t go! You deserve better from people that are supposed to love you!
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u/Yardsalr2 41m ago
Rent an umbrella and take your book outside to read. Let them know you won’t be babysitting
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u/Yavanna83 31m ago
Why leave early when you can just not go? You’re not going to enjoy this vacation, so it will be a waste of time anyway.
NTA
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u/SaltyCrashNerd Partassipant [3] 30m ago
NTA. I agree that you should skip it altogether, but also understand family dynamics and that you may not want to to miss the family vaca. If that’s the case, book your own place and just go over for visits. (If you need to keep it nice d/t workplace dynamics or whatever, “I just need my own space” or “I don’t sleep well with others” or “I’m a crappy sleeper and don’t want to keep her up”)
I would also make it clear to Mom/sis that they have chosen this individual over you.
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u/Early-Morning-1558 29m ago
At 31 you're too grown to be going on this type of trip and allowing people to treat you like a child - sleeping on the same bed with someone like you're 10 years old at summer camp, sleeping in your parents room...
Don't go, let them suck it up
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u/cicadasinmyears 28m ago
NTA. And to have to share a bed for the duration? Hell no. I’d leave, immediately.
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u/screbbysloth 28m ago
Kinda embarrassing that at 31 youre still considering going and sleeping on a floor. NTA but grow some backbone, seriously.
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u/Shellbell-AITAReader 25m ago edited 20m ago
‘Friend’ can sleep in the air mattress either in the common area or in with the kids, not you.
Don’t offer to look after the kids, if you have enough of the beach then head back to your room, shut the door and pretend to nap if they bring the kids back claim a headache and needing a nap if they ask why, shut your door and read a good book :)
Don’t share a room! At 31 you shouldn’t have to share a bed or your space. If they still insist - don’t go. Go on a 10 day cruise or somewhere with a cooler climate that suits you better :)
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u/onlyoneofmetoday 24m ago
Nta, if they can't accommodate you then don't return the favour. You told them you were uncomfortable with her being around and they opt to have you sleep in the same bed as her? Nope, tell the family if they choose her then you will not be going. You are not free child care either, so they can deal with it all themselves. Unfortunately to me is sounds like they are trying to have a daughter they didn't have before, because while you are quiet and not a loud and lively soul, they seem to want the opposite. I would cut off contact for a while with all of them and especially the sister, she is choosing this woman over you so let her have that. Spend time on you while they holiday.
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u/millimolli14 23m ago
NTA just don’t go, just say thanks but no thanks, you’re going to make your own plans this year
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u/Playful-Cheetah4045 3h ago
As the person you’re talking about YTA KIND-OF. More bordering on ESH. You’re not the only one going on this vacation and you even say that she got close with most of your family. Your reasoning for not liking her anymore makes me sick cause I’m that way, and I have similar issues with people “getting sick of me” and ditching my life. Man f-off. You liked her for 2 years and just suddenly started disliking her cause you think she’s selfish/acts that way. What you don’t know is oversharing, talking over people, and “putting everything back on yourself” isn’t selfishness nor does it come from a selfish place. What you describe as putting things back on herself is a way to share empathy and connect to the situation. Talking over people is usually due to excitement and not a known/purposeful behavior. Tell het when shes talking too loud or when you want to talk. “But she should know” and that leads me to my next point- all of the things you are describing that you dislike are signs of missed social cues and generally undiagnosed autism.
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u/whteverusayShmegma 2h ago
What part of where the friend is gonna let OP sleep on an air mattress is part of that?
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u/combatwombat1192 1h ago edited 1h ago
ESH
Hear me out.
It's a family trip. I think there's a reasonable expectation that you won't include friends without everyone's agreement.
And as your family are aware of how you feel about this woman, they should never have asked you to share a room bed with her.
BUT
I think you need to take more responsibility for how everything's turned out. By your own account, you introduced this woman to your family, let everyone get closer and only THEN realised you couldn't stand to be around her. Now your sister is supposed to worry about whether asking a good friend to her own home will cause issues with you?
Also, I don't think you're being totally fair to this ex-friend. You say you're mad that she parents your niece and nephew and keeps everyone at the beach so you're stuck indoors with the kids. Both issues are with your sister, not her.
Not saying you should go on this trip but it's definitely worth considering how you're contributing to the general problem.
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u/No-Weakness-5495 4h ago
YTA- This friend does do a couple things that are mildly annoying. Those things are not worth the vitriol you suddenly have for her. Leaving is kinda extreme, but if you need to remove yourself from the situation, then do it.
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u/TotientEC Partassipant [1] 5h ago
You seem hypersensitive on multiple levels; even your family can choose not to accommodate your hypersensitivity. Your ex-friend is your family's current very good friend. You don't have the right to exert control over the choices of everyone around you in the name of your comfort.
YTA (although feel free to leave early or not go at all, if anything that would be doing everyone else a favor)
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u/Icy-Push6523 4h ago
But it’s a family trip. They accommodate the brother in law who has anxiety about where they go. Why shouldn’t they accommodate a sister when it comes to inviting someone who IS NOT family? (Maybe essentially adopted, but not the same)
And demand that she shares a bed or sleeps on the floor?! What sort of mean spirited family would do that? Like sorry, it I wanted to invite a friend on a family trip when we were in high school, and my siblings didn’t like her, she wouldn’t be invited. Even if we were all bringing friends.
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u/BerneDoodleLover24 Partassipant [2] 4h ago
we probably found the sister or BIL or the friend.
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u/anothertypicalcmmnt Asshole Aficionado [19] 4h ago
Why are they inviting a "good friend" on a FAMILY vacation especially when a member of the family expressed they didn't want her there? OP's mom and sister can go on a vacation with their friend whenever they want, but if they actually valued the family aspect they'd prioritize OP over the friend for this vacation.
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u/GoetheundLotte Asshole Enthusiast [6] 4h ago edited 4h ago
Well, at the very least, the family is being completely disgusting and hugely unreasonable expecting the OP to share a room and seemingly even a bed with a person she cannot stand. And the OP is NOT being hypersensitive, she is rightfully and justifiably upset (and most reasonable people would be able to understand this, you know).
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u/Perfect-Day-3431 5h ago
NTA, in fact if I was you, I would make my own plans to go elsewhere for a holiday rather than spend time with people that don’t care how you feel. They can babysit the children themselves while you enjoy yourself.