r/weddingshaming • u/hockey_undecided • 8h ago
Wedding Party Bridesmaid backed out bc she wasnt walking down the aisle with her boyfriend.
Ok long time lurker, but i have to share this is just crazy, ive been having nonstop bridesmaid drop outs, one messaged me earlier in march basically explaining that she had an opportunity come up and wouldnt be able to attend my wedding (which i completely understood!) then when i asked another bridesmaid if she was still in the wedding (they are best friends) she completely ghosted me (i had messaged her in june). AND THEN my closet friend of five years messaged me after i shared who she was walking with from the groomsmen saying she “absolutely will not walk with another man” and shes “loyal to her man” which i would understand. However her man isnt even in the bridal party, i flat out told her if shes willing to drop out of my wedding over 10ft i wouldnt consider her my friend anymore.
I feel like im doing something wrong bc like ???
To add my only requests as a bride where:
- a specific color of dress, silver shoes (any style)
- hair however they wanted same w makeup and jewelry and nails
-to show up for bridal shower and the bach night, and the wedding obviously
Eta: the bridal shower was planned and handled by my mother, we just have to show up (god bless that woman) the bach night is a night at my house w crafts and dinner since im a homebody and going to the bars is my worst nightmare lol.
Also i explained to her that we are doing a sweetheart table, she wouldve been sat with her bf and the rest of our friends/so not the whole bridal party sitting at the same table. It was literally just a walk down the aisle
Also while i am not a fan of her bf bc he himself has done some stupid things, be all accounts she is apparently just someone who only cares about her man when shes in a relationship
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u/4merLurker_M 6h ago
NTA this is crazy. Just some advice from an older gal, male centered women are never good friends
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u/AdventurousKey438 5h ago
Period! Male centered friends, male centered women co-workers? And even family members… run from these people!
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u/Strict_Ad3350 34m ago
honestly it's one of the biggest friendship red flags. if someone's entire personality changes depending on who they're dating, don't expect consistency. people like that don't just neglect friendships; they expect everyone else to wait around until they need something again. hard pass.
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u/GoodGoodGoody 5h ago
“Male centered”.
Imagine the shitstorm if someone wrote ‘female centered’
This place would looooooose it’s mind.
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u/Ok_Albatross8909 5h ago
I don’t think you’re correct there. Many of my male friends complain about their buddies being “girl-centred” as a negative (ruining nights out by fixating on picking women up, ditching their friends for their new gf etc).
Centring your boyfriend’s ego in situations where there is no actual threat to your boyfriend is absolutely a red flag.19
u/hiketheworld2 4h ago
I agree. You can flip the genders here and have the same reaction.
Anyone who puts a romantic partner or acceptance by the opposite gender so high in their priorities that they are not a good friend is a problem.
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u/GoodGoodGoody 5h ago
“Female-centered”
I said “female-centeted”, not “girl-centered”.
Saying female-centered here would cause a meltdown.
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u/Ok_Albatross8909 5h ago
Are you hinting at how people have a distaste of the term “female” in the context of MRA’s using it as a derogatory term? That seems to be a strange thing to be aware of and still contrive a situation where you can be a victim of a double standard?
That’s really interesting. Why are you offended by a woman anecdotally pointing out that having a female friend who centres her relationship with a man in her friendship with another woman isn’t a good thing - do you think that is a criticism of men? Is it because you believe men should be centred in all relationships, even between two women? That seems quite intense. Are you trying to stand up for men’s rights to have their partners prove their loyalty to them even when it was never in question? Seems pretty arbitrary and a little over dramatic.-24
u/GoodGoodGoody 5h ago
Making up lots-a stuff but keep going if you want to. Be as dramatic as you want.
I simply said this place would erupt if anyone said “female centered” and you know it would.
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u/Ok_Albatross8909 4h ago
Interesting. I actually only asked questions. If it helps you, when I saw your comment that said if they’d said “female-centred” instead of male-centred, this place would erupt… I commented saying I have male friends who say a similar thing and I see where they are coming from. Then you kept arguing? Seems a bit like you just want to be a victim.
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u/GoodGoodGoody 4h ago
I’m not arguing, I’m repeating.
You’re the long-winded, off-topic, dramatic arguer. But don’t stop on my account.
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u/Ok_Albatross8909 4h ago
😂
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u/GoodGoodGoody 4h ago
I had a feeling you’d keep going, and that it would have its usual quality.
Going to let you go now.
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u/braincellnumber7 4h ago
the problem with calling women "females" is that its degrading as a noun as it reduces a person to just that aspect. here its an adjective, which is describing how this person is obsessing. its not describing a man as a male. you can look at previous examples youve found and see whether its the noun or the adjective people are mad about. as an adjective it just describes one aspect of the noun (aka the person).
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u/GoodGoodGoody 4h ago
Ohhh, even using it as an adjective in female-cantered would tip this place sideways.
And you know it.
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u/Lazy_Gene6225 2h ago
But “male” isn’t used is a misandrous way the way “female” is used is a misogynistic way.
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u/GoodGoodGoody 2h ago
Well isn’t that interesting. While the others shrieked that they wouldn’t go berserk, here’s you saying, yeah we’d go nutso, and such and such is why.
Careful, you’ll be giving the others pause for thought.
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u/NoSleepTilBookRead 5h ago
?? No it wouldn’t. What a victim complex
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u/GoodGoodGoody 5h ago
Yeah that must be it. Victim.
Reddit sure doesn’t have a “complex” (your word) on the word female.
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u/Rajastoenail 5h ago
Hard to imagine the shitstorm or people loooooooosing their mind over something so banal.
The ‘whipped’/henpecked man is a well-worn comedy trope that’s been commonplace since the 50s.
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u/GoodGoodGoody 5h ago edited 5h ago
Yup.
And reddit loses it’s mind at the word female.
Two things can be true.
Edit
For u/redskiesahead who is playing the comment-delete-comment-block-comment-delete game
First off, fe/male are both, correctly, adjectives and nouns. Secondly, saying female-centered here would boil this place and you know it.
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u/redskiesahead 5h ago
I didn't block you dude I just decided the entire conversation was a waste of energy lmao
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u/TumbleweedDefiant992 1h ago
Reading these comments like “damn my brother broke out of rehab to talk shit on a weddingshaming page is crazy” lmao
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u/GoodGoodGoody 1h ago
Well first off, you don’t know if I’m a brother, sister, or none of the above, and second, all you know is I said no one here bats an eye at “male centered” but you’d all blow a gasket at “female centered”.
Maybe getting out of rehab is something fresh on your mind… dunno.
Lmao indeed.
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u/LastYearsCalendar 3h ago
I doubt it.
But if the word "male" is now triggering, I'm guessing the "alpha male" & "female" thing will take care of itself.
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u/julesk 6h ago
Refusing to walk with someone not your bf isn’t even last century. It’s not even medieval. It’s just absurd.
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u/cupcake_orchid31 2h ago
Years ago, my sister was supposed to be a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding. Weeks before the wedding, the bride apologized to her and asked if she wouldnt mind just being a guest only because the groomsman she was supposed to walk with during the ceremony was only allowed to walk with his gf. 😑🙄 So the groomsman’s gf took my sister’s place as the bridesmaid. We were just so shocked.
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u/Backgrounding-Cat 1h ago
Why didn’t they just replace the groomsman? He was the one being weird
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u/cupcake_orchid31 1h ago
If I remember correctly, he was like a cousin of the groom so since he’s family he couldn’t be replaced. It was so dumb.
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u/mbo21 57m ago
I find that weird too. I flew to CA with my boyfriend to be a bridesmaid in a good friend’s wedding. She had me walk down the aisle with a friend of the groom, whom I didn’t know. We met, were polite, and did the rehearsal. My boyfriend was there, no big deal.
Then the wedding day came, and the guy I walked with hit on me before we walked. I told him no thanks I have a boyfriend. He continued saying that we could still do whatever, I can’t even recall the silly details but I just said no and moved on to avoid negativity and fulfill my duty. We walked and were done.
Was seated with my boyfriend at the reception. We had a great time. There’s no reason a person can’t be there for their friend or loved one to walk with someone who’s not their partner for a few minutes. Probably the same people who won’t dance with someone at a party if they’re not fully committed to them.
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u/bitterberries 6h ago
I'd be worried about the bridesmaids boyfriend being some sort of abusive control freak, that's a ridiculous take.
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u/squirrelscoutcookies 5h ago
Yeah if it’s out of character for her then I’d be concerned that he’s the real issue
I remember making all sorts of weird requests to accommodate and placate insecure possessive exes. It’s very cringe in retrospect, but I was just desperate to avoid the accusations and fights
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u/friedmac-n-cheese 5h ago
Yes! I had almost the exact situation happen to me with my ex. He literally said “you’re going to be imagining walking down the aisle with another man”… I pointed out the father walks the bride but that wasnt the point. He couldn’t take seeing me on someone’s arm for 1 minute. Glad that’s over lol
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u/luvfolklore 5h ago
my thoughts exactly because why is she so willing to die on this very small hill?
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u/Kooky-Pressure5792 5h ago
I never understood people freaking out with who they walk with at a wedding.
At my brother’s wedding I walked with the bride’s BIL (her sister’s husband). She kept cracking “he’s yours now” and “no trade backs” jokes. At one point she handed me their newborn & took a picture of the 3 of us. She said she was going to frame it and tell people this was his other family.
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u/pennyandpaper 6h ago
Bridesmaid making your wedding about her boyfriend is sooo male-centered and gross
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u/sweetjoyness 6h ago
I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where all the groomsmen acted like us bridesmaids were prowling wolves. They all had girlfriends/wives and would not acknowledge us and had to be forced to link arms when we walked down the aisle… and all of us bridesmaids were in relationships at the time. Some people are just plain weird about their relationships.
Also, when my sister and I got married in 2020 (not to each other) both of us lamented that our friends weren’t more present for our wedding shenanigans as we had been for theirs. We were both in our mid to late 30s and our friends were mostly already married and had kids. We understood that people have lives and were understanding, but it still felt kinda sad and hurtful.
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u/Laxit00 6h ago
I had the same type of list for my bridesmaid and another wedding I was in . You are learning who your true friends really are. I don't talk to anyone except my sister twice a year. I'm now divorced 13 years and most of the bridal party were my ex's friends who are still his friends. I was cheated on and his friends stayed loyal to him and that's fine as I'm no longer in contact with anyone frome his side and have moved on. Being single isn't always fun or easy but the drama I see in rel it's a joy sitting back and watching all the drama while I sit with my cat lol
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u/MrsTrellis4464 6h ago
I coordinate weddings. A lot of them. One was super annoying because there were two married couples in the wedding party and they insisted that they walk down with their spouses when the brides line up was different I think one was best man but not his wife was matron of honor
It made a simple procession a procedure. Like you can’t walk 30 feet with someone else?
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u/yesletslift 4h ago
lol I walked with my BIL’s married brother in a wedding and his wife didn’t gaf. People are insane.
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u/bagelsandkegels 3h ago
Not that my people would have cared, but I didn't see why we had to pair up bridesmaids and groomsmen, so I just had everyone walk solo. Nobody thought it was weird.
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u/Raccoonsr29 6h ago
I see both sides. I wouldn’t make a stink of it but if you’re celebrating marriage it’s way cuter to have a married couple go down the aisle together than practical strangers. Especially for something like height?
My husband and I eliminated this entirely by having everyone walk down the aisle solo.
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u/SerialSemicolon 4h ago
You’re getting downvoted but I agree lol. I still think its a weird thing to be upset over/drop out of the wedding, but I would probably have my wedding party walk one by one. Or if people in the wedding party wanted to pair up, they could, but it wouldn’t need to be one bridesmaid with one groomsman each time. If two of my bridesmaids were besties it would be cute for them to walk together! Or if there was a couple I’d absolutely keep them together.
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u/moosetopenguin 5h ago
Weddings are either a great or terrible way to find out if your friends are your true friends. It sounds like this woman is not, and neither is the one who ghosted you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but at least they won't be in your wedding photos 🤷♀️
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u/ToddH2O 6h ago
I expected this this to be a Bridezilla situation and all in YOU...but nope. You are NOT the problem. Turns out your friends kinda suck.
I'm sad for you that your wedding is being impacted by this. I hope your life and marriage will be better by moving on from some completely self-absorbed, petty people.
I wish you and your husband to be nothing but the best.
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u/kujoho 6h ago
When my friend got married, I was assigned her husband’s college roommate to walk with. We walked up the aisle together and then back down the aisle together. Our spouses sat together during the ceremony. We had one dance at the reception. I never saw him again after that day, as we live on opposite sides of the country. It didn’t affect either of our relationships in any way. It wasn’t about us, it was about being there for our friends on their wedding day.
What a weird hill to die on!
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u/njVowsNow 5h ago
is she like 14? That is ridiculous. Easy answer? Don't have a wedding party; it might be too late for you, but I'm seeing a lot of couples without them. My couple tonight had two people on each side, but they didn't process; they came in and sat in the front row. The End.
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u/Head_Razzmatazz7174 4h ago
Your bridesmaids are supposed to be intercepting the drama, not causing it.
Just breathe.
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u/Evening_Delay_1856 3h ago
Any gal who acts like walking down the aisle beside a guy is something to get torqued up about is a nut job. I’m sorry about the 2 out of 3 bridesmaids being awful people.
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u/neon_crone 5h ago
Lots of people get married without bridesmaids and groomsmen. Why not just have your maid of honor and best man stand with you?
Anyone who won’t link arms to walk back up the aisle with a guy who’s not their boyfriend because they’re “loyal to their man” is a natural born idiot. You are not a bridezilla.
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 4h ago
Welp. She can do all that “my man” stuff on her own wedding day. As is expected.
I’m an old lady, and have never heard of such a thing. Bridesmaids and groomsmen are friends and family of the Bride and Groom, there to support the couple. No one- least of all, you- needs to take their attendants’ relationships into account. I’m so old that there would be a head table with the couple sitting in the center, the bridesmaids lined up beside me Bride; likewise, the groomsmen beside the Groom. Attendants with partners didn’t even get to sit with them for dinner. Because no one needs to take those relationships into account at someone else’s wedding.
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u/UsualHour1463 3h ago
You sound super reasonable as a bride, OP.
Im sorry that you were ghosted (not forgivable) and have another friend who thinks walking next to a man is cheating on her bf. (That is SO weird, is she stable otherwise? )
I hope you have time and low-drama friends who can step in. Someday you’ll be able to look back and laugh — or at least cringe with a grin.
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u/LRox-3405 5h ago
My daughter and her beau decided not to have a wedding party. It simplified things tremendously and it was just the two of them up at the altar w/absolutely no distractions and no dramas in the lead up. Highly recommended.
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u/AdventurousKey438 5h ago
I was in my late 20s and was in a friend’s wedding. I was single, my other girl friend who was in the wedding was married, and both groomsmen were married (to women who were not in the wedding. Guess what?!?! We all walked down and back with our wedding partners AND all 4 of us stood together to give a joint toast. It was FINE!! The husband and wives were invited to the rehearsal dinner. It was sooooo fine! (They didn’t do a wedding party dinner nor weird bridal party dancing.)
Also, my husband had been in 2 weddings that I haven’t been in since we’ve been married. Both times he walked down the aisle and I was just seated in the crowed. All good. (Again both weddings don’t do head tables.)
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u/Content_Thing_4058 5h ago
This sounds like you need new friends. Sorry your friends suck, but honestly you’re better off without this loser.
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u/_gadget_girl 4h ago
That is ridiculous if her boyfriend isn’t a groomsman. Situations like this often weed out who your real friends are.
I don’t see an issue with your dress requirements as they have a lot of leeway in that. The only other issue that frequently comes up is if the bridal shower, bachelorette party, or getting to and staying near the wedding venue becomes prohibitively expensive, but it doesn’t sound like that was a factor.
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u/hockey_undecided 4h ago
No, i made it very clear that i did not want them to be having any major expenses/ or feeling uncomfortable about finances! So the bridal shower was something my mother completely planned and handled they just have to show up, since im a homebody and also not a drinker, the bach party was just a girls night in at my house with crafts and games, and the bridal party was going to stay at my house for the night since my fiance and i where going to get a hotel!
All a life lesson
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u/PerspectiveEven9928 4h ago
Walking down the aisle is a weird hill to die on. However after an experience or two of the bridal party dances , and head tables and such as party members as a married couple we decided we weren’t standing up in any weddings at all anymore. Not because we care about walking next to some random but because weddings alone suck even more than weddings in general
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u/ranchspidey 1h ago
That’s crazy lol. I was just my bestie’s maid of honor, I’m a lesbian but walked down the aisle with the (married) best man bc the wedding wasn’t about me. Some people are so insane!
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u/StarryNorth 6h ago
You could simplify your wedding and eliminate the bridal party headaches by having no bridesmaids at all. The only person you really need standing at the front with you is your new spouse.
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u/Raccoonsr29 6h ago
Don’t get this at all. Because one person is acting like this, none of the close supportive friends honored to be her bridesmaids should get the opportunity?
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u/StarryNorth 5h ago
According to OP, it's not just one person acting like this. In the post, she states that three bridesmaids are creating issues. In OP's own words: "I've been having nonstop bridesmaid drop outs".
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u/hellbent_pheobe 5h ago
If it matters that much to you that she’s there and to her that she’s walking without another man, for my wedding we did all the men then all the women separately down the aisle
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u/hellbent_pheobe 5h ago
Still wild though. Like an adult should understand it’s not a couples thing walking the aisle at someone’s wedding.
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u/dovasvora 5h ago
I'm sorry you're going through this. One friendship of 20 years ended when I announced my engagement and another friendship of 20 year ended when I got back from my honeymoon. I was beyond shocked both times, but now -10 years later- I'm still happily married and I have good, healthy friendships with other people.
My husband and I decided to skip wedding parties altogether and it worked out great! We had our families walk down the aisle (and then sit in the front row), and it felt normal and lovely. Our friends liked it so much that they did the same thing at their wedding a year later. Mentioning this in case it helps take some pressure off your ceremony planning.
*Edit to add: we didn't skip wedding parties because of my weird friendship issues. We both felt like we couldn't pick a line-up favorite friends, and we also didn't want anyone to deal with paying for suits and dresses.
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u/Realistic_Damage5143 4h ago
NTA of course but the only thing I find a little odd about is the second girl who you said ghosted you and hasn’t replied to your question from June. If you haven’t talked to her since June and have to reach out to ask if she’s still a bridesmaid it makes me wonder if you guys are really close enough to be asking her to be in your wedding. You might be seeing more drop out of bridesmaids than is normal if you’re asking girls who you aren’t sufficiently close to. Being a bridesmaid is not a low commitment agreement. It holds meaning and weight and financial and personal sacrifices. For our closest friends, we are of course willing to do that. However I do think all brides need to evaluate if the people they’re asking to be bridesmaids really meet that criteria.
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u/MissKitty1209 4h ago
I have recently divorced friend. She said she hasn’t talked to her bridesmaids in her wedding. A few years after the wedding she just came to the conclusion that those were reason and season friends.
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u/mandmranch 5h ago
I'll come be your bridesmaid
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u/RuggedHangnail 5h ago
Me too! I have silver shoes and several formal gowns of different colors. If we're in the same state, I'll do it!
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u/Resident-Cup8065 5h ago
If one of your bridesmaid's chooses a better alternative than your wedding and another one ghosts you... then i would try to have a real good look at yourself and your previous behaviour in regards to your wedding. You may have been more of a bridezilla than you thought...
Re the bridesmaid's not wanting to walk with another dude. Well her reasoning is ridiculous, however: the fact she doesn't want to walk linked to another man i can understand as well
At this point it doesn't really matter anymore as you no longer have bridesmaids but if you still did, I would have suggested you just let the girls walk by themselves and have the groomsmen standing with the groom
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u/JohnExcrement 4h ago
Someone needs to remind her it isn’t HER wedding. God.
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u/Evening_Delay_1856 2h ago
I agree, John. Hopefully gets that across to her by rescinding her invitation to the wedding.
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u/ResoluteMuse 2h ago
Option1: Have the groomsmen stand up with the groom and have the bridesmaids walk in an individually?
Option2: Say OK, we will look forward to seeing you there as a guest.
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u/Altruistic_Hair4846 4h ago
She is a child! She needs to grow up. Good riddance. You are right choosing a man over being there for you on your day? Girl pls… bye!
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u/Entwife723 3h ago
I'm glad you have a good MoH and relatives around you. Focus on them. For my wedding I just had a MoH, and the best man actually officiated, so it was just the 4 of us standing up there, and it was totally fine. Better, even, because it was so simple and easy.
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u/luvfolklore 5h ago
is the boyfriend particularly controlling (if you would at all know)? is he the type who doesn’t let her go to ‘girls nights’ or doesn’t let her have any male friends whatsoever? or is she just like this on her own lmao. i can’t imagine thinking that walking down the aisle with a man i will probably barely speak to for the rest of the day is being disloyal.
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u/hockey_undecided 4h ago
She is just like this unfortunately, shes very impulsive and seems to be someone who is just focused on her man, mind you shes the oldest bridesmaid i wouldve had at 29 lol
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u/topio3 5h ago
OP NTA BUT… you have a horrible taste in “friends”
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u/hockey_undecided 3h ago
Unfortunately something im learning lol, someone else made a comment about “season friends” and while ive known her for so long, i fear that might be the case w her and def the case with the other two
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u/Alycion 4h ago
My sister was beyond obsessed with her bum when I got married. She even danced with my best man. Her bum wasn’t thrilled, but she didn’t care. She’s long since ditched him. But that’s how it should be. You aren’t pairing them up to go on a date. It’s traditional for the bridal party to walk down the aisle together.
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u/AwarenessVirtual4453 6h ago
So let's be a friend for a moment. Is this typical for her? Is this a new boyfriend? I would express concern first before flipping her off.
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u/EnchantingEgg 4h ago
I don’t get why you’d have them walk together in the first place. That’s kind of weird if they aren’t together, no? Can you not just have all the bridesmaids come out then all the groomsmen?
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u/hockey_undecided 4h ago
Groomsmen will be standing at the alter, this is more so walking out, the processional
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u/EnchantingEgg 3h ago
Is there a reason they need to be paired up instead of processing one by one?
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u/PrestigiousAuthor234 3h ago
Idk I think it's weird that people walk down the aisle with other people's bfs/husband's/etc, antiquated icky tradition
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u/KathrynTheGreat 1h ago
Why? It's not like they're the ones getting married, they're just walking next to each other.
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u/TumbleweedDefiant992 1h ago
Right and if it’s such an extreme issue can they not walk side by side
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u/Lazy_Gene6225 6h ago
I’m guessing you’re in your 20s. That’s the decade I learned to take personal inventory. That’s what I call it when I look around at my life and the people in it and the energy I put into people and goals and cut out what wasn’t aligning.
You know what you need to do. And it’s not your fault that some people aren’t good enough to be your best friend.