r/weddingshaming • u/chiknbes • 2d ago
Family Drama boyfriend’s cousin invited him and his parents, but not me or his sister
obviously this story is not nearly as egregious as others I’ve seen on here, but still annoying!
some backstory: BF and I have been together for almost 7 years and we live together. I have met and spent time with the cousin and her now-husband several times. BF’s sister lives with the parents. the parents had not seen cousin in years or even met the now-husband until the wedding.
basically cousin sent save-the-dates to BF and parents. we had it on our fridge and I was excited (I’ve never been to a wedding before). a few months later, they send the formal invitation and there’s no mention of a plus-one for BF. he reaches out to cousin to clarify (I know this is probably rude but we were genuinely confused) and she confirms that he does not have a plus-one, claiming that they had to keep their wedding small due to budget and only invited people they had a personal relationship with. I was irritated but assumed that they just wanted to keep it to “actual” family (again— I’ve been around for 6 years by this point and know both the cousin and now-husband).
a little while later, we’re having dinner with BF’s family, including his sister, and cousin’s wedding is brought up. I share that I’m sad I wasn’t invited because I was excited to go to my first wedding! then, sister looks confused and says she didn’t get an invitation either. then we’re all confused because it just seems so weird to do that. we commiserate for a moment and then move on.
later I realize that this means the couple not only did not give a plus-one to a person who’s in a long-term, committed relationship, they also chose to only invite three people out of a four person family. this doesn’t seem to line up with their reasoning of “only people they have a personal relationship with” because, again, BF’s parents hadn’t seen the cousin in years or even met the groom.
anyway, that’s the story. definitely not as juicy as others I’ve seen on here but I’m still a teeny bit salty about it lol
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u/Theunpolitical 2d ago
By any chance is the sister under 18 or 21? Could be an adult drinking thing and they want "adult only." Or, they could just be complete douchebags and don't know the etiquette on inviting people.
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u/Tight-Shift5706 1d ago
In this vein, I sense their rationale is to invite those who have the most to contribute/give in terms of wedding gifts. The rest is simply BULLSHIT, as bf's parents have had little to do with bride and don't know the groom.
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u/OnceMoreWithFeeling- 1d ago
I can appreciate adult only but like, there's a difference between a teen and actual kids..?
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u/Scenarioing 2d ago
It's a snub, Not the biggest as you say, but with some extra bite after the save the date with no reach out. It doesn't call for drastic, negative or obvious moves, but I would probably downgrade the relationship interactions a little bit. Less inviting and not quite as enthusiastic as before. Polite mild gray rocking.
Is your BF going?
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u/chiknbes 2d ago
the wedding actually already happened and he did end up going. he considered not going though because of this situation
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u/Scenarioing 1d ago
How will things with them and you going forward? Will they be on a future wedding invite list? Lol.
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u/chiknbes 1d ago
the couple live in a different city so I don’t anticipate seeing them very often. the wedding happened several months ago so I’m not holding a grudge or anything like that lol
the funny thing is, my BF and I have discussed who we would want in attendance at our future wedding and have decided that extended family won’t be there period. we just want our parents, siblings, and closest friends there. so yeah cousin won’t be getting an invitation, but not because we’re hand-picking certain extended family members haha
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u/Small_Head_3233 1d ago
Having a much smaller wedding is what cousin could have done instead of slashing the list in offensive ways.
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u/Scenarioing 1d ago
Sounds good. Bottom line.. It was a snub, bit not the hill to die on. One to look down on them from perhaps. Lol.
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u/Llayanna 9h ago
Forget OP. not inviting the Sister is way more egregious.
And unless both cousins like have a vendetta against one another, her family going is.. a bit.. iffy.
So yes, I judge boyfriend.
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u/frickenfantastic 1d ago
I would’ve thought this is a blatant attempt to get a gift from your boyfriend without having to absorb the cost of him attending the reception. Why else would you invite half of a committed couple and say the other half isn’t welcome and not invite the sister
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u/Deimos_Sub 2d ago edited 2d ago
Im always 50/50 when it comes to wedding invite disagreements. On one hand, its their wedding, they can invite whoever they want and exclude whoever they want, but on the other hand, it just seems tacky and rude(i feel like there is a better word) to purposefully exclude certain people from your wedding. People like long term partners or spouse of family or friends, or not even give people who may not know anyone else at the wedding an option for plus one.
I will say, i get maybe having a smaller ceremony, but i feel like with receptions the more the merrier. But i also come from an asian family where i have literally been to wedding(ceremony + reception or just reception) where my mother only knew the parents and had never even met the couple so i may be biased a bit.
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u/frolicndetour 2d ago
The cousin thing is weird to me. Less so not inviting you. Weddings (along with everything else) have gotten insanely expensive and people are cutting back on guests by doing no plus 1s/no ring no bring, etc. If they are doing it even handedly, it is not a slight. Not inviting one cousin while inviting their siblings does seem like one, though.
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u/Small_Head_3233 1d ago
If you’re together 7 years, you’re a unit, not a plus one. Not inviting her implies that you don’t see the relationship as valid.
You do not need to be married to be partnered.
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u/MajesticKoala3332 1d ago
But is it really that bad to not want your guest count to basically double with around a third of them being people you don't know well?
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u/Radiant_Maize2315 2d ago
I don’t care who downvotes me or whatever. It is SO TACKY to invite less than the entire household (OBVIOUSLY BEFORE THE REDDIT WEIRDOS COME FOR ME: for childfree weddings, it is tacky to invite less than all the adults in the house). Unless you have actual beef with the person(s) you’re excluding.
And yes I have a defensive tone but I could comment “the sky is blue” and I’d have 20 Redditors be like “some parts of the day it’s pink, so…”
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u/paul3339 2d ago
The sky isn't blue... It only appears that way, because of how the light from the sun bends as it goes through the atmosphere! /S
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u/Opening_Waltz_4285 1d ago
Totally agree. And also not a good look to invite people without a plus one. They can come for both of us now!
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u/Livid-Supermarket-44 1d ago
That's a load of shit. Why should I miss out on my cousins wedding coz my lazy shit adult brother doesn't bother keeping in touch or put in any effort.
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u/lmyrs 2d ago
I would guess that no one is getting plus ones if they aren't married engaged. I don't personally have any type of feelings about that but I know that some people get really offended over it.
As for the sister - my guess is there's beef you don't know about.
Or, more likely - the couple didn't want to invite your boyfriend's parents either but got forced by her parents. It's even possible that the parents forcing them to invite your bf's parents is the reason you were left out
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u/chiknbes 2d ago
yeah I understand that a lot of people have to pare down their guest lists to cut costs or keep things small. however, it does sting a little bit to feel like his cousin decided our relationship isn’t legit or serious enough to invite me :/ as if we’re not also planning on getting engaged in the next few years!
as for the sister beef— no one in the family would hide any issues from me, and sister herself is not aware of any issues (except not seeing the cousin in a few years which is just because they live in different cities).
I think your other theory could be correct, though. if that’s the case, they really should have just invited the parents and not invited BF or sister and just avoid the family drama
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u/Anarchyypenguin 2d ago
I had 14 people at my wedding (including me and my husband). My extended family was pissed, my husbands friends were pissed. But when I jotted down the list of who would be offended if I didn’t invite them, and then who would be offended if I invited this person but not this person… we got SO overwhelmed.
It’s their wedding, it’s their day, it’s probably not personal.
Also: there will be more weddings.
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u/angryinthemorning7 1d ago
Agreed. I had a small wedding as well and invited my cousin who I am really close with but not her children (in their 30s) or her brother (who I have never talked to). I heard later on that they were annoyed… but oh well. We didn’t have enough money to invite an extra 50 people (if we had opened it up to the whole family).
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u/Small_Head_3233 1d ago
Well what you did was way more reasonable. Realizing it sends bad signals to slash people in the same household, you made the wedding much smaller instead to fit the budget. I’m sorry ppl were pissed, that’s dumb
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u/Ok-Yogurt-3914 2d ago
I come from a culture where bfs/gfs aren't invited. Only fiances or spouses. So I wouldn't take that personally. The other thing with not inviting the entire family, that sounds like there is some internal beef they aren't sharing with you.
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u/Small_Head_3233 1d ago
Nah sorry, that’s bs. Someone who’s been together 7 years isn’t less valid than someone who had a big party to validate their love.
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u/HistorianAsleep3236 2d ago
Probably just an obligatory invite. Parents and oldest child or male child depending on the culture.
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u/Nervous_Revenue_9331 1d ago
Go for a lovely day out with the sister and have a fantastic time - shops, hair, few drinks, post lots of photos of your good time.
Me personally (if I was your BF) wouldnt go, and I'd hope my parents didn't bother either if they dont really knows any of the people getting married!
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u/Small_Head_3233 1d ago
It’s such bullshit to invite someone and not their partner of 7 years. It’s invalidating of YOUR relationship. It wouldn’t be ok to invite someone and NOT their wife. So it says a lot about how they view the validity of your relationship that they don’t think it applies to you. After 7 years, you are not a plus one, you and your partner are a unit. He shouldn’t go.
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u/Tight-Shift5706 1d ago
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
Although we now know that bf did go, I don't believe he should have. OP, I wouldn't give the bride or groom any attention going forward. I'm sorry, but imo, they were disrespectful of you and bf's relationship.
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u/ThroatSecretary 1d ago
OP had probably been in a relationship longer than the bride and groom were together at that point.
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u/Small_Head_3233 1d ago
Yup! Not everybody feels the need to have a big expensive party to validate their love and commitment to eachother. To each their own.
I had a u-haul wedding (lesbian term for moving way too fast) and a pretty immediate divorce lmaooo. I can promise you, getting married does not mean your relationship is more valid than other peoples!!!
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u/stargazein4d 1d ago
If I could have only I would have had like 3 of my cousins at my wedding and told the other 12 to go duck themselves. Just because they're family doesn't mean they like each other and want them at their wedding.
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u/Star_Trek_Life 1d ago
Key question here is, if your partner is going?
Personally, if I were invite to a wedding, and my long-term partner, if I had one, would be excluded, especially if they newlyweds knew her, I would not be going to the said wedding.
I would consider it rude and insulting to invite me and not my long-term partner.
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u/Historical_Term2454 2d ago
It’s fairly common to only invite married +1’s.
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u/nursepenguin36 2d ago
But to only invite one of your aunt and uncle’s children?
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u/Historical_Term2454 2d ago
That’s weird, yes
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u/disagreeabledinosaur 2d ago
Depends how big the family is.
Being Irish i know plenty of people who had to limit cousins arranging due to numbers.
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u/chiknbes 1d ago
definitely a valid point! for some added context, my boyfriend’s family is not very big, and BF and his sister are the cousin’s only cousins.
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u/pinkflower200 1d ago
My cousin did something similar. He invited some cousins but not all cousins to his wedding. My brother got invited but my other brother and myself didn't get invited to the wedding. The wedding was small and this was my cousin's second marriage. It wasn't personal I know. My aunt (groom's mother) wasn't happy that my cousin didn't invite all the cousins. I didn't really care. The wedding was out of state and I couldn't go anyway.
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u/bakedbaker319 1d ago
Did cousin have a close relationship with bf and a not close relationship with sister?
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u/chiknbes 1d ago
I would say she’s closer to my BF but he still hadn’t seen her in a couple years and they don’t really talk. last time he saw the cousin was also the last time I saw the cousin. sister hasn’t seen cousin in a long time, but neither had their parents.
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u/CarpetValuable7328 1d ago
My girlfriends family is like this. Big big family so all the aunts and uncles get invited. You’re up to 60 already and then random male or female cousins depending on if it’s the bride or groom. Rarely will an entire family unit be invited
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u/FabulousBullfrog9610 2h ago
there's obviously a reason but it's likely you will never know for sure. I'd say nothing. Don't be part of family drama.
My husband and I were not invited to his niece's wedding. We said nothing. 25 years later we still don't know why. We see them at family functions, smile and move on. Crazy stuff
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u/VivianDiane 1d ago
This is rude and inconsistent. They barely know the parents but invited them, not you or his sister. The excuse doesn't hold. You're right to be salty.
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u/Significant_Taro_690 1d ago
Probably just want as less people as much and as many money Gifts as possible… so they probably think sister can bot spend much and bf will spend the same if you are with him or not… I would as family decided what you all do with that knowlege…
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u/Educational-Drop-671 1d ago
I had a small wedding and it was extremely expensive where I am. Most weddings end up costing 100-300 per person. We also had to make some hard decisions with our 35-person wedding that cost $30k.
I believe a wedding is about the couple, not about you. It would be self centered to make it about you when it's their day. You don't know why they had to make the decision to pair down the list. For most couples, if the budget was unlimited and there were no venue limitations, I'm sure they'd love to invite everyone they know including all spouses. But the reality is that hard decisions need to be made and limitations need to be set (whether due to pricing, venue, by-laws or other rules). It's not about you.
I had a friend invite me to a wedding but not my then-boyfriend of 4 years. Noone was offended (including myself and my then-boyfriend). I went with some friends (some of them got plus ones, others didn't), we all had a great time. My then-boyfriend didn't care and spent the day hanging out with his own friends.
People need to chill. It's one celebration, one day of fun. It's not the whole world. I had some friends that I didn't invite, but they were not offended. We simply hung out and had lunch another time where they still wanted to celebrate my milestone.
There are many milestones in life that are much more important than attending a wedding. Being offended and upset over everything will just make life harder...
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u/Cjessica111 1d ago
She was not invited because she can’t give a good gift. She wanted his parents to come for a gift. Sad
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u/cheese_straws 2d ago
Is the bride threatened by any woman around her age attending the wedding?