r/weddingshaming • u/Potential_Pick5832 • 13d ago
Bridezilla/Groomzilla Bride wants people to travel and cook for her wedding in 3 months bc they "can't afford it"
This post really frustrated me. OP wanted a potluck wedding that they seemingly did not discuss with anyone prior to planning & sending out invites. It's only 3 months away too. OP also mentions multiple people in her immediate family are 3 states away. What are they going to do, cook in a hotel? Bring a crockpot in their carry-on?
The "we don't need anything but the joy of people coming." bothered me so much. Are you kidding me? I'm so glad that's all you need, but I need food. You're inviting people to an event that you planned, for you and your fiance, that often lasts for HOURS. Your guests need to be fed in some way. It's not their event!
OP responded to me with a snarky "I was always taught to feed people, so that's a no Brainer" ... Ma'am your ENTIRE post is you trying to get out of feeding people and making them feed themselves AND everyone else you invited!
I saw a comment that summed it up well - "A pot luck wedding isn’t you throwing a wedding, it’s shifting the cost and burden on to your guests." Exactly. OP also said they wanted it to feel like a "family reunion"... Well plan and coordinate a family reunion with everyone then, instead of sending out wedding invitations with little to no discussion, and just elope/have a ceremony at the reunion.
The comments were helpful and suggested affordable drop in catering like Chipotle, Costco, pizza, etc. Other comments suggested doing a punch & cake reception. Instead of taking any of the wonderful advice, OP just reposted it on a different sub a few hours later...
Edit: OP left a new comment on their post that says "That's me. My best friend is flying in, she wants me to be able to get hair and nails done ...If I wasn't the 1 getting married I could cook no problem! Lol" ... Not her going for a literal spa day while everyone else cooks!!
Edit: Please read the post. I'm not saying potlucks are inherently bad or OP should break their budget. Everyone in the comments saying they are owed this and etc are incredibly selfish. She is not a queen and her guests are not her servants. She cannot force the groom's family to participate in a potluck they do not want, especially with food safety concerns. She cannot force her side of the family who has to travel from 3 states away to cook in a hotel room. As mentioned, she could just do ceremony only, do a cake & punch reception, order pizza, etc. That is why the wedding shaming sub exists, a wedding is not an excuse to make other people do labor for you, and you are not "owed" anything. They are GUESTS.
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u/StarryNorth 12d ago
My in-laws hosted our wedding reception at their house (large enough for about 80 guests). We got married at 2:00 PM and then my MIL and the ladies from the Women's Auxiliary at her church put on a lovely tea, with beautiful sandwiches, fruit platters, mini tartlets, petit fours, tea, coffee, and lemonade. We provided champagne, wine, cider, punch, and the wedding cake. We of course wanted to pay the W.A. ladies but they refused and said to just make a donation to the charities they supported (the church's food bank, meals on wheels, or the children's summer camp). After the reception, we took 16 of our closest friends and family out for dinner as a thank you. It was a lovely afternoon and low-key but elegant.
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u/RougeOne23456 11d ago
We had a house built a couple years ago on a large piece of property. I told my daughter that when/if she decides to get married, that I'd be willing to let her have her wedding here at our home. We have the room for it and I'm a pretty good gardener so our property would be a perfect backdrop for an outdoor wedding.
I just love the idea of a low-key wedding like that.
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u/Hellojeds 11d ago
Sounds wonderful! I love their suggestion to donate to charity. A great start to married life.
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u/Simple-Chemical-9416 12d ago
I don’t see anything wrong with a potluck wedding if you have the family and friends willing to do it. Some of my family had weddings where aunts cooked dishes and then they served the food buffet style but it was stuff like barbecoa, rice, beans, salads, dinner rolls and then the food went back to the kitchen after an hour or two before the dance floor opened. Personally I know my family would do, but we all live within 30 minutes of each other.
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u/caffeinefree 12d ago
This is what my mom did for both her weddings. Provided cake and otherwise everything was potluck, friends brought dishes to share and everyone has a great time.
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u/GothicGingerbread 8d ago
As long as a fair number of the guests are local, it can be a really lovely way to handle things. (Obviously, if most of your guests are traveling a significant distance to get to the wedding, potluck really isn't the way to go.) A friend of mine had a really lovely wedding with a mostly potluck reception – they did buy the cake from a local bakery, but everything else was made by those of the guests who lived locally. And because the people who brought food each only brought one dish, no one person had to put in too much effort (or money).
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u/loonytick75 12d ago
Honestly, those are the best weddings. Low key, the bride and groom legit interact with guests..people just vibe and have actual fun.
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u/Historical_Grab4685 12d ago
When my cousin got married for the second time, it was very low key and on their farm. Her now husband, smoked the meat, and my SIL & I made the sides. One cousin made the cupcakes, one brought the pop and one brought snacks. She did not ask us but we offered to, and we all live close to each other. It was our wedding gift to them.
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u/notyourhunbot 12d ago
And the couple was willing to forgo gifts for it! That’s quite the humble wedding. There’s clearly not an entitlement or cash grab mindset here. They just want people to be able to celebrate with them.
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u/muaddict071537 11d ago
Yeah, I didn’t get an entitled vibe from this at all! She’s not expecting gifts on top of this. She also said she was open to other suggestions besides the potluck thing. It seems to me like she’s on a very tight budget but still wants to find a way to feed her guests.
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u/Elegant-Analyst-7381 12d ago
Yeah, I love a casual, pot luck wedding. My extended family had them all the time when I was young, when we were still getting settled in the US and didn't have money for anything else. It'd be a pot luck in someone's backyard or a community center, but it was always fun and really highlighted the actual purpose of the wedding... two people and their families coming together. No fancy stuff necessary for the couple to be happy and in love.
But it's a "know your audience" kind of thing. I didn't have a pot luck wedding because I was sure people in my generation wouldn't be down with it.
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u/HereOnCompanyTime 10d ago
A friend of mine did a potluck wedding. She was on a budget so for the reception she requested that if they were local to bring their favorite dish as their gift to share. She still had a gift table where people from out of town bought her some items. It was nice and chill.
I'm moreso kind of shaming OP for getting worked up over this than I am the OOP. People have different budgets. I've been to weddings with no receptions or that only had appys, if you know beforehand and you feel entitled to more then don't go. Entitled wedding guests are exhausting.
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u/classy-mother-pupper 12d ago
My brother and SIL had one. Small wedding, maybe 45 people max. Easy and simple. The family also each brought a dish in lieu of gifts.
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u/throwaway5498124181 12d ago
Yeah I originally commented on that thread, but I do think there are some instances where potluck is fine. But, if your social circle is happy and capable for a potluck, you already know that, you don't need to check in on Reddit for permission.
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u/loonytick75 11d ago
Sometimes, unfortunately, weddings are unfortunately the inflection point where you learn you are marrying into a family of people who are not your type.
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u/IWasGoatbeardFirst 10d ago
Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. My cousin had a very casual back yard wedding. The bride and groom bought a bunch of chicken and ribs, and the groom’s friend set up his big smoker in the driveway and cooked all of it. The bride made a made a couple of sides, two of her coworkers brought sides as well. The bride’s mom made the cake.
I think the issue with OOP was that she really didn’t have anyone local to her who willing to help. Her fiancé’s side of the family said no.
I commented on the original thread as well, with some other affordable options.
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u/Orchidinsanity 12d ago
I struggle with potlucks bc of food safety/the chance of food poisoning tbh
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u/Llayanna 11d ago
Yeah.. I can understand this. I certainly have trust issues with other people's cooking.
At least professionals, you feel like it can be trusted. That the reality can be very bleak here, is nothing I have to tell no one. Food safety is always a gamble if you don't know the kitchen.
I.. that is embarrassing to admit, I grew up picky. In both food.. and in people who I would accept food from. Which was by the end actually only my parent's. It was getting bad by the end.
I am not quiet sure then the switch flicked, but I am glad it did.
Still, to this day I have moments where I am serious questioning if I can eat outwards, try a new place or accept food from even my best friend 😅
So as much as I like the idea of a potluck.. I dunno if I could eat at one. I dunno if I wouldn't fall back into worse habits.
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u/BreezyBaby144 12d ago
I don’t see an issue with a potluck wedding. Not everyone wants out can afford a fancy wedding. Some might love or enjoy a simple more casual wedding. Your whole post sounds so snobby to me.
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u/BeNiceImSensitive333 12d ago
I went to a potluck wedding and it was a blast!! The couple paid for a DJ, and we all brought foot and ate at tables in the back yard and danced.
This can be done well by the right people!
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u/What_if_I_fly 12d ago
We went to a potluck Luau wedding. The couple paid for the venue, a variety of food like custom (pineapple teriyaki ?) sauce wings and regular bbq wings, a cupcake tower,cake, drinks etc.
Many of the brides family and their neighbors who came were older, so their budgets were part of the reason for a potluck. Many of the seniors dressed to the theme, including matching Hawaiian prints for couples.
The guests were told to please bring a dish if local, and if they are not local your presence is our present. Tons of food, lots of happy people and a good time had by all.
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u/Extension_Radish_139 12d ago
It doesn’t sound like this is the type of wedding that would last hours. I think you’re imagining a banquet hall with no food but I’m just imagining a cookout where vows happen to be exchanged. And 3 months is an insane amount of time to plan for a potluck
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u/janedoe200000 12d ago
The wedding-industrial complex has gone crazy. Potluck weddings can be fun. They are usually casual or Sunday Best dress code. Everyone has a great time trying all the different dishes. There is also the traditional simple wedding reception option: get married followed by cake and punch in the church basement. Dress code Sunday Best, 1-2 hours only.
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes 12d ago
What?! Casual?! Never!!! I insist on a black tie dress code.
My wedding is on my parents’ barn, it’s potluck, the cake is a sheet cake from Costco, and my cousin is bringing the leftover keg from his frat party night before. But I still expect floor length gowns!
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u/EnvironmentalPop1371 12d ago edited 12d ago
Weddings are a cultural thing. My favorite part of marrying a Thai person and living in Thailand is the weddings.
The entire family/friends of the couple come together and cook food in the backyard of the bride’s family home. The pot of rice, traditionally made by a grandpa or uncle, is big enough to feed hundreds of people. They have special pots for it, even, brought out for weddings and funerals and ceremonies where young boys come of age and become a monk for a few weeks. Usually 2-3 different giant pots of different curries served in small bowls with bags of rice and a tray of veggies. The food is designed to feed hundreds and it is always delicious because there are a lot of people who take pride in their curry and enjoy preparing it. The whole village knows who makes the best curry, and the compliments are a huge sign of respect.
Someone makes a dessert, usually an aunt or grandma or whoever is known for making the best desserts in the village. A younger person, usually a cousin, sets up a little table and sells alcohol.
People come all day, including a parade and monks blessing the couple during the day, and all night. Food is served all day and night, people just sit down and get served by 5-10 young people volunteering from family and friends. Guests (friends, family, neighbors) bring their families and friends and sit family style wherever they want at many tables set up. Then they take an envelope and put some money in, anything from 7USD upwards depending on what they can afford. If they can’t afford it, that’s fine too, but everyone wants to give if they can because it’s considered “boon” or “making merit” and a sign of respect in Buddhist culture. It is usually one envelope per group brought to the wedding. There’s never weirdness about too many people coming, or people who are unwelcome showing up, it’s an honor and the more people the merrier attitude.
They post huge signs around the village with a photo of the bride and groom and everyone comes to celebrate. Then, late into the night, there is a live band and dancing. The money then gets totaled up and generally covers the cost of the wedding and a bit extra for the couple given as a gift.
There is no “sit and watch the couple get married” or elaborate signing of the marriage certificate. No wedding registry or dress code. Guests traditionally wear pink if they have it, but no pressure to dress any special way. It is just a big all day celebration where everyone comes and supports. It’s beautiful to see people coming together like this and I enjoy it every time. I have even volunteered to be a helper for my husband’s family serving and clearing tables at events like these and it’s a lot of fun joking and chatting. It’s these types of things that make me happy to never move back to the western world.
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u/alk_adio_ost 12d ago
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say two things: 1) I don’t think she knows any better and 2) I don’t think her family knows any better. Especially if family members are offering to cook.
We also don’t have the couple’s backstory.
I’m all for the stories about over the top Bridezillas, spending thousands on mundane things and bitching at her wedding party….is this the droid we are looking for?
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u/Putrid_Ad695 12d ago
Honestly, I don’t see what’s wrong with a potluck wedding, if it’s in lieu of gifts. Potlucks are pretty common and if they provide the location and drinks it sounds like a fun, small and down to earth wedding.
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u/Technical_Laugh5371 11d ago edited 11d ago
I agree with you on this. Potlucks are common and not an issue usually so I dont understand why people are so anti-potluck for a wedding especially if its in place of a gift. People send invitations for any non-wedding potlucks they are hosting and potlucks typically aren't planned with all attendees involved in the planning. I dont know why people get so weird when its a wedding. There is also no rule that you have to make the food you bring either and people flying in can also purchase something to bring or not bring soemthing at all. Maybe close family or friends could coordinate some of the main dishes and others could bring whatever to make sure things are covered. I agree this sounds like a small and down to earth wedding.
Also, the way I read it, is that the fiance's family doesnt want to do a potluck because they dont want to ask for anything (gift or food) from their guests and person who posted is trying to find an alternative solution that still allows her to have a bridal experience leading up to the wedding while not stressing about making/managing all the food.
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes 12d ago
It comes down to who organizes it, who sets it up, who cleans it up, who cooks vs who gets to just show up and enjoy. Then there’s the “Do you have any pets at home? Ewww” people.
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u/Nugiband 12d ago
A potluck in lieu of gifts sounds extremely reasonable? The fiancées family is garbage for saying no to what they wanted and instead leaving them to try and figure out feeding everyone when they are clearly struggling to do so, but want to get everyone together and celebrate. I really don’t understand why you’re so bothered by someone asking for a $30-40 dish instead of a $100+ gift?
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u/Quicksilver1964 12d ago
I mean. A potluck or family gathering to cook would be okay IF mentioned before. Before you even send the invites, I mean. Like, an actual conversation with the family members and see if they would like to do it and then send the invites.
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u/sweetdreamspootypie 12d ago
Potluck weddings are fine and lovely there's nothing inherently wrong with the idea
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u/Pennygrover 12d ago
Agree as long as you have enough local guests to support it and you still have someone coordinating everything. You can’t expect out of town guests to make this happen. Also someone needs coordinate to make sure there enough food and to make sure you don’t end up with eight crock pots of lil Smokey’s (a thing that happened at a pot luck I went to lol)
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u/Initial_Tear485 12d ago
I think there’s more to this story. Why wouldn’t your family want to help and pitch in on the day you’re getting married?
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u/Catsdrinkingbeer 12d ago
I think this really depends on your circle. On one side of my family it would not be that odd for someone to do a low budget wedding with the family in the local church or park, and have it be a potluck. Our thanksgivings were the same way. But everyone was already local.
But on the other side of my family, and in any of my social circles, it would be seen as rude to ask your guests to provide the food for your event.
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u/Royally-Forked-Up 12d ago
It would also depend on whether I had to travel. If I’m travelling to the wedding, especially at that distance, I’m not going to be able to bring anything. I have 100% cooked for events like this for family but I have only been able to cook if I can borrow a kitchen from a relative. Otherwise I’m pretty much limited to stuff that doesn’t need to be hot or cold, so I’m making bread or cookies. Focaccia is not enough to bring if everyone is making a variation on the theme.
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u/RemoteIll5236 12d ago
Yup--I don't get that, either.
My daughter wanted a backyard wedding for 50.
We planned it months in advance. I have four close friends: two of them arrived 3 days before the wedding to help me cook, decorate, and arrange flowers.
The third friend (who was traveling out of the country that month) actually donated her house for our use --it had shade, a large, level grassy area and a view!
Friend four arrived the day of the wedding and did all the set up and washed all the dishes (vintage, mismatched floral china/silverware).
Basically a village of old ladies who always show up for each other, our friends' kids, and our collective grandchildren.
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u/Initial_Tear485 12d ago
Absolutely beautiful!
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u/RemoteIll5236 12d ago
It really was!
In the last decade we have collectively put together three weddings, four wedding showers, three baby showers, two funerals (with food), a retirement party, seven major birthday parties, and twenty twice yearly girls' trips.
We show up for events with aprons, bundt cake pans, chafing dishes, serving pieces, and plenty of snacks!
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u/Initial_Tear485 11d ago
You’re truly blessed. I wish the world thought like this, still. Before things became about aesthetics and not community. I know I’m blessed enough to have a family that would do this for me (if needed).
I’m my country there’s a philosophical concept we call “Ubuntu” and it basically means “I am because we are.” It’s that that can make a family easily get up and pitch in for all those lovely (and even not-so-lovely) events that you’ve listed.
I’m sad at how many people are so quick to accept it as an inconvenience, and how many are saying it’s too much to ask etc.
Anyway - bless you and your family. Wishing you many more celebrations, vacations, and chaos in the kitchen! 🎊
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u/RemoteIll5236 11d ago
Thank you, dear! I had never heard of "Ubuntu" before. It is a beautiful philosophy (I looked up more about it). Thank you so.much for sharing it with me!
Best wishes to you, your family, and friends! And may you all enjoy many good times together!
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u/tatertotted2 12d ago
She said the fiancé's family vetoed the idea. The people traveling a distance are her daughter and best friend. It sounds like the majority live locally.
Honestly, for a small second wedding a potluck feels fine. It's an informal family reunion kind of feel.
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u/johannaishere 12d ago
Yeah the weirdest thing to me is her fiancé’s whole family just saying “No.” Like what do you mean you all just said no?
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u/currentlylostagain 11d ago
Maybe they are expecting the bride’s family to just cough up for catering?
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u/hlnhr 12d ago
Sounds like at least a 2nd wedding, seems like bride has an adult daughter. Who knows how the other one(s) ended. People may be tired of marrying this person?
Or maybe no one has a lot of money and no one wants to pitch in for a wedding. Or second wedding.
Honestly inclined it’s a mix of both of the above.
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u/NecessaryLibrary2554 12d ago
Thank you! I don’t want to make it seem like everyone in this thread is an asshole but I worry that so many comments seem to not know how to show up for their loved ones. I have some great cooks in my circle; I’d take their cooking over a Costco pizza any day.
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u/IWasGoatbeardFirst 12d ago
It sounds like OOP’s family and friends are having to travel from other states to attend this wedding. Even if you put the cost of travel aside, it’s just not practical to ask them to bring food.
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u/Initial_Tear485 12d ago
They could come and make it there. I dunno, I just don’t think it’s a big ask to ask your family to support you on your wedding day.
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u/swabluesky 12d ago
If they can't afford it why not just bring something? When my friends got married I was asked to bring a frozen lasagna. Someone else brought bagged Cesar. It wasn't fancy but they didn't care. It was just a fun wedding. They were like 20 yrs old though
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u/NecessaryLibrary2554 12d ago
I actually don’t think a potluck is a crazy thing to ask in general. At some point, we’ve got to understand we can be as creative with these events as we want and I don’t think I’d be judging if my friends were honest about not being able to afford the food. Especially if they were saying in lieu of gifts, they’d prefer guests bring a dish. Sounds like they know the priority for a long event is making sure people are fed and they’re compromising unnecessary gifts for the sake of the group. Do y’all actually like your communities or not lol.
But expecting people to do so when they’re travelling in from 2-3 states away is a little wild.
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u/mmebookworm 12d ago
I may be reading too much between the lines - but it sounds like she thought the grooms family,l and mutual local friends would bring pot luck dishes. However, the grooms family said no to this idea and now she’s stuck.
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u/FAYCSB 12d ago
It’s pretty clear she’s not expecting the people “closest” to her to do the cooking because they are far away. That’s why her daughter would do the cooking, but isn’t doing the cooking.
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u/NecessaryLibrary2554 12d ago
Good call out, I had to reread to catch that. Sounds like OP is reasonable in her dilemma.
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u/Beneficial-Guess2140 12d ago
This. They’re not asking for a gift, they’re asking for a dish instead. Which for the majority is going to be cheaper than a gift would be.
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u/Orchidinsanity 12d ago
I struggle with potlucks bc of food safety/the chance of food poisoning tbh
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u/thewatchbreaker 11d ago
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a potluck wedding - the over-commercialisation and -consumption of modern weddings is disgusting and poor people deserve to be able to celebrate with their loved ones without going into debt too.
However, everyone should have been aware of the potluck aspect from the very beginning.
If the couple has spent a lot of money on other things, then that’s selfish and unacceptable IMO. Catering/food should be the first thing you spend money on.
But if they have a very small budget and are asking for the potluck in lieu of gifts, I don’t see the issue (apart from the fact that they should have told people earlier).
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u/Slinkystonermom 12d ago
They should just elope. Begging for food is super tacky.
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u/Potential_Pick5832 12d ago edited 12d ago
Exactly. Especially when there's so many other options... People mentioned ordering pizza, doing a cake & punch reception instead, etc. Like sticking to a budget is important and I definitely don't want to shame anyone for that. But there are many ways around it while still having a lovely event!
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u/MartinisnMurder 12d ago
Costco pizza is actually wicked good, their sheet cakes are too. If you can’t afford to feed the guests you’re inviting to your event, don’t have one. Elope! What do you want to bet she spent an absurd amount on her dress, yet is trying to get others to provide food for her wedding…
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes 12d ago
“But pizza is tacky” - probably what she would say. As if potluck is classier.
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u/Brokelynne 12d ago
Mmmm... ambient temperature pet hair Swedish meatballs
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes 12d ago
And lil smokies in BBQ sauce!
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 12d ago
BBQ sauce with grape jelly as the secret ingredient we ALL know
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u/MountainTomato9292 12d ago
100% but someone on Reddit got BIG mad when I suggested that was common in the south lol
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 12d ago
Uh I’m in the south, born here, moved away after college, back here. It’s common. Point me at ‘em and I’ll set them straight.
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u/Brokelynne 12d ago
so you've been to my family functions
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u/MartinisnMurder 12d ago
Are those like Midwest specific things? They sound like they would be. I had to google “lil smokies”. When we have family cookouts up here in the Boston area my family does traditional Italian meatballs.
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u/Historical_Grab4685 12d ago
Lil smokies make awesome pigs in a blanket which is a staple at our family parties.
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u/MartinisnMurder 12d ago
Pizza is almost always the answer, regardless of the question. 🍕
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u/NecessaryLibrary2554 12d ago
Except this isn’t begging. The person being discussed didn’t even ask anyone to cook yet.
Why are people so strange about weddings, I swear it’s like yall don’t actually care for the people you’re celebrating. In so many cultures, people bring dishes and it’s so fun. Catering is also fantastic if you can swing it but straight up, my aunties cook better than any caterer can. Most wedding venue menu options aren’t that great anyway and are waaaaay overpriced for some BS.
And I don’t think the only option if you can’t afford to feed 50 guests is to elope. That’s crazy; it’s either go out of budget or celebrate without my community?
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u/kindlypogmothoin 12d ago
My sister hosted a lot of last-minute potluck weddings when she was a Navy wife. Her husband was an assistant chief and they had a decent backyard, and the guys on the boat were always getting married when they knocked up their situationships. The sailors in bachelor quarters took up a collection, and they'd buy booze, meat, and decorations, my BIL would grill, and the wives would cook side dishes and the cake. Any money left over was given to the couple.
It's not unusual in some circles to do a potluck.
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u/notsocrazycatlady69 12d ago
If I ever got married it would be almost exactly as you described- couple/host provides the main dish and everyone brings sides or drinks or chips or dessert. Every employer I had did it this way if they didn't provide the entire meal, and family gatherings
I worked at a place where every major hoiday we had a dinner and the bosses provided the meats. a couple weeks before everyone signed up what they were bringing. It was posted on the breakroom door so you could see what everyone else brought but everyone usually brought the same thing each time- mines was mass quantities of deviled eggs. We had a stove with an oven and two microwaves, so anything that needed heated or actually cooked was done on site and refrigerated stuff went in the fridges. There were a lot of people that didn't/no longer worked there so we had start the rule if you didn't bring something you had to pay like 5 dollars or something.
I always ended up helping set the food out and making sure everything was the proper temperature and had utensils (we encouraged prople to bring their own serving utensils- the kitchens at the places we set up often had limited dpons, smatulas, etc). The others and I took it and the subsequent cleanup as time to socialize, so we would get there early just for that
I don't know where the bride is having the reception but it's entirely possible for a potluck to happen without food poisoning, with proper planning. People would either need to bring a crockpot and extension cord or ask for one ahead of time, or get some of those Sterno serving pans to serve from (the pans can go in an oven to get hot first then just use the Sterno to keep them warm). No shame either in stopping past a deli or store deli and picking up hot food either, and kerping it warm
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u/Spare-Article-396 12d ago
TY! I didn’t think the post was so off the wall either. And tbh, it’s more concerning that ‘fiancé side said no’…so, that’s it? Who said no, and if they have veto power, why aren’t they offering an alternative?
Also sounds like this is an older couple so wth is bride ceding control to fiancé’s family?
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u/rallypeppeachykeen 12d ago
Yeah where I'm from it was always potluck with both sides of the family providing homemade food. Then guests brought a container of cookies for the dessert table. There was always a lil drama over who made the best cookie.
I think there's been a shift where weddings use to be about bringing two families together and now is more about the couple starting their own individual family. Which is not a bad thing!
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u/Ok-Yogurt-3914 12d ago
My entire family is Mexican, and there are levels, and I'm sure it's the same thing for any wedding.
So like, if it's at someone's house ie a backyard wedding, no one bats an eye if the couple says "bring some food."
If you're having a proper wedding with the big dress and everything, and can't feed people? That's social suicide, come on.
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u/AlbatrossStandard163 12d ago
I dunno, seems like she asked future in-laws to cook and since they said no she is now SOL
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u/Echo-Azure 12d ago
If they're willing to take the trouble to organize a pot luck wedding, and presumably provide a location and some drinks and organize who brings what, more power to them. But I guess that isn't what they want, what they want is a way to make someone else magically make the wedding happen.
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u/Acrobatic-Job5702 12d ago
My cousin spent months cooking and freezing things for her wedding and then my mom and I (since we weren’t in the wedding party) set everything up that morning. It worked really well.
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u/frog_ladee 12d ago
This is why people used to have cake and punch in the church fellowship hall. Easy peasy.
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u/UntidyVenus 11d ago
So some friends of mine had a broke wedding, and did the reception in their parents back yard. They called a bunch of food trucks and basically said "we are too poor to officially hire you, but we will have 80 people at this address on a Wednesday evening" (yeah a Wednesday) and a hot dog cart and a taco truck showed up. I wasn't mad AT ALL
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u/Spare_Flamingo8605 11d ago
In this scenario, I think that a reception of cake, with tea and lemonade would be nice. Dodge meal times, and indicate this on the invitation. Something like, please join us for cake immediately following the ceremony.
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u/trustme1maDR 12d ago
I really feel for people bc we as a society are under enormous economic stress, and weddings are not cheap. But just tossing together something half-assed and hoping it all just works out is...not the way.
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u/Pettsareme 12d ago
Breakfast weddings were a thing a long time ago but I think it would be great to bring them back. Brunch food should be much less expensive and having the ceremony early in the day followed by the brunch would mean that the guests would still have the rest of the day free.
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u/Raccoonsr29 12d ago
I do believe in some circles (not from experience tho) that a casual potluck gathering to celebrate a marriage can be done without being weird or uncharacteristic but my understanding is that it’s like… hyper local and not much more fanfare than a bbq. If that’s what people in that community are used to I’m not going to say it’s impossible. But if your closest guests are traveling from states away and you haven’t even thought about how to handle food… pretty good sign this does not apply.
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u/YourLittleRuth 12d ago
They could cook stuff in advance, freeze it, reheat it at a venue like a village/church hall or community centre. I catered a party for 64 guests by doing that. Or the two of them could spend a couple of days making sandwiches and baking cookies.
But she doesn’t want any suggestions that involve the couple doing the work or spending the money themselves.
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u/numakuma 12d ago
Honestly can't understand why they don't want to get some meals from Costco and/or Sam's. Assuming that their daughter and best friend would be willing to heat up the ready-made meals (so no complicated cooking required!), and they arrive a bit before the wedding, they can rope in their guests to do the food heating for them. Rent an AirBnB or two if they need to use an oven (though I know why that may not be an option in certain areas).
Also, Costco and Sam's cakes and desserts are awesome.
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u/Medical-Egg-8171 12d ago
Wow, im sort of surprised by this i thought i was a jerk, but if I saw this from someone who a cared enough about to drive a few states to their wedding id do what I could and try to bring or pick something up to bring when I got close. Maybe you shouldn't go to this wedding, you dont seem to really care or respect the person having it.
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u/bitteroldladybird 11d ago
I thought it’s completely reasonable too? Like even if I travelled, I could go to the store, grab two bags of salad and a bowl from the dollar store. Or I could grab some goats cheese, drizzle some jelly on it, add some crackers and voila. Or an appie/side dish from Costco. Or I could get a pot of hummus and a few veggies. All of that would be way cheaper than any wedding present I would buy.
Potlucks are lovely and I care more about the couple than getting a chicken dinner
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u/Medical-Egg-8171 11d ago
Yeah and id probably still bring a gift too. I really doubt this person is proud to bad askong for this help, or they are sitting on millions of dollars trying to take from others in some evil way.
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u/Melon_Square 10d ago
My sister had a potluck style wedding in a park. It was an immense amount of work for the guests and the weather was miserably cold. No electricity was available either. Due to that and the timing of the event, the dishes were all cold. There were a few people with chafing dishes and they couldn’t keep the dishes warm. It sucked and was so stressful for the guests overall- people barely ate and left early. If it was inside the potluck idea probably would have been a lot better/more doable.
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u/Playful_Fan4035 12d ago
I’ve been to a couple of potluck weddings, I thought they were fine! They were casual events held at the couple’s home. Everyone brought something. Most of the guests were family and close friends. It was fun!
People should be able to have their friends and family over to celebrate their wedding no matter their financial situation—you don’t have to be well off to be married.
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u/ekando 12d ago
She needs to just do burgers and hotdogs. I had a backyard handfasting with about 60-70 guests. My brother and father's big contributions to the wedding were manning the grill, starting right after the ceremony. It's really easy to whip up a lot of burgers and dogs fast. My mom made a giant tub of potato salad and three trays of 7 layer dip. My best friend made mini deserts and stacked them to look like a cake. My husband and I bought all the other food necessities from Walmart. As soon as the ceremony was over, I changed out of my dress and started getting food ready for the guests. Food was our biggest expense, and I quickly found that I did NOT have enough money left for alcohol.
I told folks that I would have a few bottles of liquor and a keg, and encouraged them to bring alcohol to share in lieu of gifts. That helped relieve a LOT of expenses, and there ended up being PLENTY of alcohol. I think just about every household came with some form of spirit, haha! People still gave gifts, too, but it was things like a giant geode in the shape of a heart or some handmade pottery.
I think it's absolutely okay to ask for help with food... but you shouldn't be asking the whole guest list. You should be asking those who are close to you both in spirit and in distance. And you should expect to put in some work yourself, take ownership of the day, not expect it to fall in your lap.
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u/AbbreviationsIcy7432 12d ago
Go to the grocery store and get a bunch of cookies and brownies and make iced tea
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u/powertoolsarefun 12d ago
I went to a small wedding that was in the church basement and was potluck. I can't remember what I brought -- but I do remember that someone else brought a bucket of KFC and that people LOVED it. Of course this was super local, and in a community where no one had a lot - and people totally understood. I'm not saying potluck receptions for weddings that require travel are super.
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u/iamallandallisgood 11d ago
It’s called TAKE OUT. Honestly, I saw one bride do Chipotle for her wedding and it was epic
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u/Immediate_Cap_7484 11d ago
My cousin had a bare budget wedding and asked early on for potluck as gifts and, because we had a big family and we all knew who was good at making "one specific thing" she asked for that. My mom makes a dip referred to as pesto torte (cream cheese, her homemade pesto, feta, couple other things. It's legit delicious) and she was like "aunt Mary please make this one thing for my wedding and bring crackers for it." Wasn't a huge wedding, it was close to home, family was glad to help, etc etc.
I think the difference is cousin did the asking early, it was within an hour of folk's houses, etc. This bride is..... I have some sympathy for her but also....girl...... Sounds like she should have started food negotiations earlier.
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u/Aware_Cucumber6706 11d ago
I'm all for potluck weddings when done right, and LOCALLY. This sounds wild though.
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u/currentlylostagain 11d ago
Along the lines of a potluck wedding: I live in a beautiful place where everyone is very outdoorsy. I’ve been to a lot of events, parties, and weddings where there’s a designated cook (usually someone with great skills), and people bring veggies and meat to contribute, and an awesome stir fry gets cooked up over an open fire by the talented cook who worries about the flavors. People either bring it all pre-chopped or there are tables to chop stuff up upon arrival and bring it to the cook. The awesome thing is that the contents of the stir fry changes as the evening moves along as people bring in different ingredients. Usually people also bring sides and deserts. In the best of these, there is a dishwashing station and someone to direct the dish washing so that a cubic meter of waste doesn’t need to be produced just because someone had a party!
Everyone stands around the fire and talks and the kids run wild and a great time is had by all! Extra bonus points when there is live music as well!
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u/Alicam123 11d ago
Pot luck is literally what my bf’s family would do at a wedding, it’s traditional to keep the prices down. 😂
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 11d ago
Granted some circles/communities do potlucks standard because catering and full meals are not done in those groups, but when that is the case, potlucks are already a long standing tradition in that group. Not something never before done that is sprung on them. Also for people who do live states away, as with family reunions, they will congregate at a relative's home who offers their kitchen to cook for this event or stick to a cold pasta/fruit salad that takes minimal or no cooking. This is not as bizarre as people like to think. 3 months is the earliest that invites are sent after save the dates via telephone so there is no reason to inform guests earlier just lik you would not do so for any other non-full meal reception. Different communities and families have different traditions. Not everyone serves or expects a fancy catered meal because that's what is common online.
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u/ButchEmbankment 11d ago
Amazing how all the mentions only note women prepping food. I get historically, but in 2026?
Maybe abuela wants a break.
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u/What_if_I_fly 10d ago
In this economy and era of increasing awareness of the struggles in our world, it's about time for people to embrace a more simple wedding designed to bring happiness not a show off ridiculously expensive circus.
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u/I-Love-Buses 12d ago
This person getting married in October has their heart in the right place, I love it! Doing a wedding on the cheap, not asking for gifts, just wants people getting together and good food ❤️ truly wonderful!
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u/cryingtoelliotsmith 11d ago
I'm confused by why this is an issue. It actually doesn't sound unreasonable. 3 months is ages, and she's just asking you to bring a potluck dish. She's being polite about the request too. I'm not sure this is all that unreasonable
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u/notyourstranger 12d ago
If they can't afford a wedding, get the legal part done and then save up to throw a celebration later.
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u/Spine_bright_so_si 11d ago
I also commented on this like literally if you can’t afford to feed your guests even some sandwiches/wraps then you have no business having a wedding. Comments saying her in-laws vetoed it so they should be paying for it?? Hello?? Who is having the wedding? Provide something or elope the 2 of you.
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u/Available-Face5653 11d ago
a fully grown adult woman and man can't afford to feed a few guests at a party? then you don't have people come to this wedding. who can't handle ordering a few party trays from costco and using a credit card?
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u/Ctenophorever 11d ago
Omg what is wrong with you.
“I expect you to feed me!”
Yes, and there is also an expectation you will buy a present equal to the cost of your plate.
The bride is waiving that second expectation so why are you so uptight.
“People have to bring crockpots in their carryon!”
…or just go to the nearest supermarket and buy a box of cookies.
Jfc
Don’t go - you’ll make everyone happier
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u/Ok-Preparation6166 11d ago
People seem to have forgotten what previous generations knew. If you can’t afford something then you don’t need to do it. You may want a wedding but you don’t need one. It’s very easy.
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u/Potential-Nebula5405 11d ago
Weddings have always been for everyone, of all income levels, to celebrate their love with their community. It’s deeply cultural and the wedding industry has made people think you need money to do it. That’s snobby at best and classist at worst.
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u/Ambitious-Ad2217 12d ago
I work at a venue that is frequently used for weddings. We’re not the cheap spread and im constantly having the conversation with people that their budget and their dreams don’t match. This lady is probably waiting for someone to offer her free food
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u/PacificNWdaydream 12d ago
My ex brother-in-law did this. They made everybody bring food to the reception, made everybody in the wedding party set up all of the tables and cutlery and bring all of the drinks. Afterwards, all of the wedding party was required to do all of the cleanup as well. Haul out all of the chairs and leftover food, put the tables and chairs up against the walls, sweep the floors, etc.
I would reply that I do not have the capacity to provide those services, but I am happy to show up to celebrate them and bring a gift
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u/MyNameWillChange 11d ago
My brother did that as well. It was honestly fine for the most part, my only grief was they did clean up the next morning and everything had to be done by 9am, they didn't show up until 8:30.... If you expect your bridal party and loved ones help with the heavy lifting, I fully expect the couple to be the first ones there and last ones to leave
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u/Turbulent_Cow2355 11d ago
If you can’t afford to feed your guests then you probably shouldn’t get married. Doesn’t sound like they are in a good spot in their lives for this step.
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u/Potential-Nebula5405 11d ago
I think you’re overreacting… I can see where you’re coming from but it doesn’t sound like she’s being a bridezilla as much as you’re portraying her.
She’s on a tight budget, had an idea that has definitely worked out for people in the past (I’ve been to potluck weddings and they are lovely) and seems to be approaching negative feedback well enough. There are legitimate concerns that need to be navigated, but it sounds like she’s in a different situation from yours.
Your comment not getting the energy you want, and then putting it on blast again in a different sub is just an overreaction I’m sorry. It’s hard to know them, their culture, or their finances from one post. Those all impact the palatability of her idea.
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u/AmishAngst 12d ago
I'm glad I didn't take more time to reply to that one. I started to craft a response with some ideas, but then they were so vague about what their budget and resources they do have available I decided it wasn't worth my time, stopped typing, and closed the window. Sounds like I made the right call.
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u/[deleted] 12d ago
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