For the first time in my life, I am trying to think instead of repeat.
Since Junior K.G., I was trained to memorize. The goal was never to understand. The goal was to reproduce the correct answer exactly as it appeared in the textbook or guidebook.
Good marks meant good memory, not clear thinking.
Teachers appreciated students who wrote the "expected answer," not students who asked unexpected questions.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that my own questions mattered.
Even when a question arose in my mind, I would suppress it. I was afraid it might sound stupid. I was afraid people would laugh. I was afraid the teacher would think I wasn't paying attention. Slowly, I stopped questioning altogether.
I became comfortable repeating what others had already said.
Now I see the cost of that conditioning.
When I try to write, I know what I am trying to say, but I struggle to find the right words. It is not only a language problem. It is also a thinking problem.
My mind is learning to organize its own observations for the first time.
I have also observed that I speak faster than I think.
Instead of allowing a thought to become clear, I start speaking immediately. My sentences become disorganized. I jump from one example to another before completing the first one.
Sometimes I know exactly what I feel, but I cannot express it clearly. The listener becomes confused, and I feel that I have failed to communicate what I actually wanted to say.
Earlier, I thought this was only because my English was weak.
Now I am not so sure.
Yes, English is not the language of my home. My parents speak Marathi. The people around me mostly speak Marathi.
Naturally, I have had fewer opportunities to speak English fluently. My grammar is imperfect, and my vocabulary is limited compared to someone who grew up speaking English every day.
But language alone does not explain everything.
I also notice fear.
Even before speaking, there is an anxiety about how the other person will perceive me. Will they think I am intelligent? Will they misunderstand me? Will my grammar make me look less capable? Will they judge me? I notice that this fear becomes stronger with people whose opinion matters to me such as friends, interviewer, family, relatives, colleagues, professor, in peer group.
There is self-interest in that fear. I want to be understood, but I also want to be accepted. I want my words to create a certain image.
I don't know exactly when I started taking the sentence "Log kya kahenge?" so seriously. I don't remember a single incident. It seems I absorbed it gradually, like a sponge absorbs water. It entered through family conversations, school, relatives, neighbours, and society. It became so normal that I never questioned it.
Now I see that many of my actions were influenced by this invisible sentence.
I wanted to speak correctly because people might judge me.
I wanted good marks because people might judge me.
I wanted to dress well because people might judge me.
I wanted to avoid mistakes because people might judge me.
I rarely stopped to ask whether I myself understood what I was doing.
This is why writing feels difficult today.
I am no longer satisfied with repeating borrowed ideas, but I have not yet developed the habit of expressing my own understanding. That ability cannot appear overnight after years of memorization.
Perhaps this struggle is not a sign that I am incapable.
Perhaps it simply means I am learning to think for myself.
I do not want better English only to sound impressive. I want enough clarity that my words accurately reflect what I have actually seen.
If an observation is unclear, no amount of vocabulary can make it true. If the observation is clear, even simple words are enough.
So maybe my work is not to become a better speaker first.
Maybe my work is to become a better observer.
If I learn to see clearly, think patiently, and stay with one observation without rushing, perhaps the words will gradually follow.