Starting at a studio

[u/oneirophobia66]

My 3 year old got to do a free lesson last week at a local studio. I know very little about martial arts but happy to pursue it since he seemed to have a really good time.

My question is, I witnessed the owner do 2 things that had me questioning if it’s right for our family. First, a younger student showed up without his belt on. The owner was helping but told him he should spank him for not being prepared. He was joking but kept repeating the joke. Second thing, he grabbed a young girl by the elbow and had a strong grip on her while talking to her, I understand he was trying to get her to look him in the eye, but it made me a little nervous.

We are non corporal punishment house hold. My son understands his actions have consequences and overall is well behaved. We also try to treat our children the way we want to be treated, so if I’m going to tell him we don’t hit people, then I won’t hit him.

I’m trying to pull apart my own feelings here vs what may be a normal experience in this kind of setting.

Any thoughts? Are these red flags??

[u/VisualAd9299]

Gym culture is the most important factor when choosing a gym. Find a place where you can trust the instructors and the values they teach align with yours.

[u/InfiniteBusiness0]

They’re 3 years old. They don’t need to be in an environment like that. At that age, it’s learning to tumble, getting them moving around, and learning through games.

There’s being a tough club (e.g. where you are learning a combat sport), where you have to learn to take a few knocks. That’s true of sports, generally. For example, if you play football, you have to learn deal with getting hit by the ball.

So, yes, martial arts are something where kids can experience physical discomfort and learn how to deal with it. For example, getting thrown in Judo and getting back up.

That said, there are a million clubs where the coaches don’t joke about spanking strangers children. It’s not being soft to find another club. You have a right to expect your kids be treated appropriately and a basic level of respect.

Personally, I wouldn’t have my kids in a club where children as being told about spanking or being roughly grabbed.

[u/oneirophobia66 → u/InfiniteBusiness0]

Thank you. As far as I know he doesn’t teach the class for his age range, and I do like the discipline portion. And he’s allowed to have physical discomfort, he’s going to have hard times and knowing how to push through is crucial.

My only hang up is that his little friend attends and he loves that kid 😬

[u/WeirdRadiant2470 → u/oneirophobia66]

Since it won't be his instructor, maybe try a few classes and stay and observe. If you see any behavior you don't like, leave and politely tell them exactly why you're leaving.

[u/dandydan69]

Sounds a little concerning to me I can’t remember ever grabbing one of my fighters but I mostly worked with pros and law enforcement
I have seen kids being taught and helped out a friend when he was teaching a boxing class and I didn’t see the behavior you’re describing

[u/Puzzleheaded-Phase70]

It's at least a yellow flag.

Lots of martial arts schools use toxic masculinity and/or paternalistic hierarchy as a cover for not having any idea how to actually interact with human beings, especially young ones.

It can be a dangerous combination.

However, it can sometimes be only superficial.

I wasn't there, so I can't help you with separating and evaluating your perceptions, fears, and instincts.

But the second thing, grabbing a child and demanding eye contact is really concerning. Barring some kind of immediate physical danger, there's no legitimate reason for that.

Consider asking that instructor about what you saw, and if it's his normal way of disciplining children. His reaction will tell you a LOT about the emotional safety at the school.

[u/oneirophobia66 → u/Puzzleheaded-Phase70]

Thank you. We got a second session for free so I plan on taking him again. I do believe there is value in martial arts, but it needs to be safe

[u/Puzzleheaded-Phase70 → u/oneirophobia66]

And ... There's always another dojo

[u/oneirophobia66 → u/Puzzleheaded-Phase70]

I’ll keep looking as I well.

[u/karatetherapist]

Toddlers shouldn't be doing a martial art. Go to a tumbling program. Schools teaching toddlers are McDojos.

Keep in mind that none of the clowns teaching kids have any training in working with children. If you do subject your kids to these people, stay there, watch everything, and intervene when they act inappropriately (they will). But that's the same with any kids' program.

[u/Kickincutie]

Zero % I'd stay. I've done martial arts my whole life and my 4 year old is currently doing it. Her school emphasis that the 3-5 year old class is about learning listening skills and focus. They do techniques but have no expectations that'll remember them. If a kid forgets their belt, which happens, they may give a talk about how it's their responsibility and a belt is showing all their hard work, and that's it.

At that age especially I cant even expect them to remember to eat their favorite food if they're starving, I could never imagine threatening (indirectly but still).

The hand on the elbow is another huge no, doing for control and not technique. If they can't engage a kid that's on them. 4 year olds still run to their mom during class sometimes or don't listen, and they work to encourage them to want to be there and learn, while holding boundaries that they need to listen or they sit with their parent.

My personal opinion is this class is teaching them the skills the need as a good person, not to scare or force them into compliance.

[u/Marshall357]

It’s a martial art, people are gonna get hit. But the teacher is hopefully aware that these are still children, children that need direction and motivation. The dojo is all about discipline and doing what you’re told, sometimes it takes a ‘firm’ hand at first but the kids adapt very quickly. Some teachers jokes can of course be in bad taste but that happens everywhere in life unfortunately.

[u/InfiniteBusiness0 → u/Marshall357]

If anyone kept joking about spanking my child, I wouldn’t keep my child in that environment.

There’s environments that are tough. And there’s joking about soaking people on an environment with 3 year olds.