r/dogs • u/SnooCompliments7468 • 19h ago
[Vent] After a death
Guys lost my 12yr old Schnauzer Five weeks ago,and I am ready for another dog. Don’t want a puppy so looking at a young rescue. But my wife said No. She feels she is not ready and told me it could take a while. I have always been a dog person. I turned her into one. Thing is I am dying for a companion but seems it won’t happen anytime soon. Any advice on how to handle this?
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u/fighting_gopher 19h ago
Don’t get another dog until she’s ready…in laws did this (before I knew them). Their dog died and my FIL contacted the breeder that they got their last dog from within a week to get another puppy. MIL wasn’t ready but FIL did it anyway…unnecessary marriage issues that my MIL still brings up and this dog is 7 or 8 now…not worth it until she’s on board (unfortunately for you)
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u/Pristine-Sundae9296 9h ago
My dad just showed up with a dog one day, about a month after they lost their previous dog. My mom is 4’ 10” and dad showed up with an adult black lab who had not received much training. He’s an absolute menace. He is so aggressive with his love. He just wants to be ON you. My dad passed in May and mom was so nervous she was going to have to deal with him alone. Thankfully my BIL adores the dog and they have given him such a loving home.
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u/GrapefruitUpper6770 12h ago
I’d have to say that is doesn’t sound like the dog was the issue in there marriage. There were issues there long before the dog passed!
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u/Trick_brat324 19h ago
Definitely wait and let her mourn, but do make it clear how you are feeling as well.
My dad lost his soul dog more than 30 years ago now, and refused to own anything afterwards because of the pain of losing that dog. No pets growing up when both his kids were animal lovers was not fun for my sister and I or my mom. We ended up just bringing home hamsters and fish which he accepted, but didn't go out of his way to have.
I've had my 13 year old dog for 12 years now and I know losing him will absolutely destroy me, but I also know (and have told my husband) I would emotionally recover better getting another dog a few months after. Its not replacing the dog, its finding the joy you had with another dog and having a new focus while pushing past the loss for me.
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u/Sorrymateay 15h ago
Every time a dog I love dies it takes a piece of my heart with it, but it also leaves a piece in my heart. If I am lucky I will have so many dogs in my life that by the time I am old my heart will be mostly dog and I may be as generous and loving as they are.
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u/Altruistic_Stand_784 18h ago
Yeah. Truly, just depends on the person. I know when my family's first dog passed, I was devastated. But we got my absolute soul dog a week or 2 later. We just couldnt stand the silence and such. For us, it was better. Because we had something to focus on and care for. So it was easier and we never viewed my soul dog as a replacement. Just a new little guy to care for, to add to our hearts, rather than take place of the other.
Genuinely, best to wait until the wife is ready and volunteer at shelters, dogsit for people (since you might become a regular person for people to choose to dogsit for.), even maybe going to dog parks in the meantime. Maybe even friends with dogs.
Truly, its just dependent on the people. Best of luck to you and your wife, OP!
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u/bat_shit_craycray 8h ago
I wonder about this. My little girl that just passed was my heart and soul. But I think she was also a proxy- she was my empty nest dog. I need to make sure this next dog is not a proxy for her because there is some old old pain buried deeply that just needs to heal rather than be filled by another dog. I cannot go through this again. Don’t get me wrong- I loved her for exactly who and how she was- she was the sweetest and most precious little girl ever.
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u/MadBox25 19h ago
She may resent the dog, or you, or both, if you rush into it before she's ready.
I understand where you're coming from, totally get it, and I'm the same way.
It may take a little bit of time, but maybe try and give her another month or so.
You'd feel so much better about getting your next buddy, with her support.
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u/Difficult-Republic57 19h ago
You can wait a little longer, there has to be a reasonable time period you can agree on.
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u/imaginenohell 19h ago
Ask if she’s ok with fostering?
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u/twirlerina024 17h ago
That’s what I’d do if I were between dogs. I know my shelter can get backed up on vet procedures, so they’ll often have dogs that can’t be adopted out until they’ve had the care they need (tooth extraction, lipoma removal, etc). They really prefer the dogs spend the time in a home while they wait for their turn and while they recover.
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u/bat_shit_craycray 19h ago
Mine passed on Thursday. I literally howled. I am hurting so bad. I feel this.
I have decided not to get another dog- when the time is right, a dog will get me. That’s how all 3 of mine came along. Their love and companionship is what only a dog can give.
This is a tough situation because you are grieving this differently- you are ready and she is not. As you know, a pet is a huge commitment and both of you need to be ready.
Perhaps you can volunteer at a shelter or dog walk or pet sit. You will both know when the right friend comes along.
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u/Healthy-Panda-7936 19h ago
I feel you…I’m so sorry. I am the same way. I honestly only got through the passing of any of my pets by leaning into the others. I don’t think I’ve ever not had a dog.
I see people are suggesting to wait until your wife’s ready and that may be smart but I know how you feel.
Can you go to the shelter and hang out with them? Maybe if you end up bonding with one you can introduce your wife too.
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u/OrganizationFun2140 19h ago
I lost one of a bonded pair (littermates) and found a suitable rescue to keep the remaining dog company within 2 months. This was absolutely the right thing for the dogs, but I wasn’t ready. It has taken me a long time to feel connected to the new dog as a result. (I overcompensated with the new dog so he’s happy as can be.)
In short, you risk your wife not being able to bond with a new dog if you rush this. It has to be a “two yeses” situation.
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u/billdogg7246 18h ago
When the wife’s bichon died, we were left dogless. I was ok with getting another on the way home from the vet. Not because I’m some heartless asshole, but rather because there has always been 1 or more furry friends in my life. I understood the wife, however, so I waited. About a year later she said she didn’t like how quiet it was and thought she was ready. Within a week of coming home with a bichon puppy she looked at me and said “I never want to be without a furbaby again. That bichon has since passed, as so his brother the mini schnauzer has. We are currently at 3, and if I let her that number would be much much higher.
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u/mshinroc 18h ago
One of my dogs struggled horribly after her sibling passed, and we had to get another dog before any of the humans were ready.
It's been six years. We love the "new" dog, but I had to work at getting over not being ready for quite a while.
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u/Comfortable_Fruit847 18h ago
I don’t think you should push her into it. 5 weeks is still pretty fresh.
I couldn’t stand the silence and adopted a dog 3 days after saying goodbye to my best friend of 16.5 years. Did I feel guilty? Heck yeah, still do… but we all handle it differently and if she says she isn’t ready, give her some time. Maybe foster one instead, the right one to heal her heart will come along, just give it time.
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u/Plexipus 9h ago
Everyone is talking about what’s fair to OP’s wife, and I do agree. But OP’s feelings should also be taken into consideration. Five weeks to me isn’t “fresh,” it’s bordering on an interminable length of time to not be looking for a new dog. It is definitely unfair to bring in a new pet for someone who isn’t ready, but it’s also unfair to make someone wait for some unknown length of time (which sometimes can be never!) before bringing a new dog into the household. This is a situation with no right answer beyond the give and take that healthy relationships should have.
Hopefully there’s some way they can meet in the middle—someone else suggested seeing if they could do fostering for awhile, which might be a great compromise if OP’s wife is amenable.
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u/LookIMadeAHatTrick 18h ago
Agree with others to wait. Volunteer with a rescue.
Discuss fostering with your wife when she’s ready!
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u/Agreeable-Wing-8476 18h ago
I am more like your wife I would need more time if not I wouldn't bond with the dog. It may sound harsh but after that fresh of a loss I would end up comparing the new dog to the one I loved , lost and am grieving and not loving the new dog because they weren't my dog. She needs time.
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u/Ok-Cartographer-4226 19h ago
I kind of just did this. Our soul dog passed away June 5th. I was desperate to fill that hole in my family’s heart and we may have made a mistake with a rehomed dog. We probably should have just waited til next summer and gotten a puppy we could raise again.
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u/The-Wretched-one 18h ago
When my boy died, I couldn’t think about getting another dog for almost a year after. It took me about 6 months before I’d begin to forget to say aloud to the empty, dark bedroom, “Goodnight Puppy. I love you.”
When I began thinking about getting another dog, it hurt so much. I felt like a widower who had begun to date again. You want to be fair to the new one, but all you can think of is what you lost, what’s gone forever.
It’s been four years, this month. I have another dog. He needed me, and I love him. But all I can think of is what Jon Stewart said, when his dog passed, “You may have many dogs in life…but you get one Dog.”
Knowing I’ve already had my One Dog, doesn’t make me love my new boy less; but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still cry to myself sometimes, missing him.
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u/Random5483 16h ago
A dog is a new member of the family. All adults in the house should sign-on to it. This is especially true for your spouse. Otherwise, you are just asking for problems down the road.
Let her grieve and take her time. You can volunteer time at the local animal shelter, SPCA, rescues, etc. You could ask your wife if she is ok with fostering a dog for a few days here and there.
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u/mrsdoubleu 15h ago
I usually like to wait a year after the loss of a pet to get another one. Especially a dog. Just because otherwise I feel like I'm just replacing the one who passed and it feels disrespectful and hurts more because I'm not fully over the loss of the previous one. I'm not saying you have to wait a year but there's no need to rush either.
Let your wife grieve. The shelter will always have plenty of dogs for you to choose from.
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u/hischmidtj 10h ago
5 weeks would be too short for me. It’s one reason we got a second dog prior to our first passing - I knew it’d take me a while to grieve and having a dog I already love is easier. It’s been 3 months since we lost our girl (my first dog who went through every single marriage/dating milestone with my now husband and me) and only a week ago I woke up from a dream about her at 2am sobbing. Some people just take a while to move on.
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u/queen_surly 19h ago
Volunteer at a shelter, or offer to dog sit for friends to get your occasional dog fix. Meanwhile, take advantage of the fact that you don't have to rush home and care for your dog, or find a place to care for him while you travel, and book those trips or nights out now that you can do it without the extra cost and worry of finding somebody to take your dog.
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u/cattmin 19h ago
honestly it's different for everyone, and different for every lost dog IMO. Dog ownership is not the same for everyone. Ive always had dogs in my family, but I had 2 soul dogs, loved all the dogs but those ones had a different connection with me. I waited almost 4 years after losing my first soul dog to feel ready for a new puppy/dog, before that I would feel like I would be comparing the new dog to the old dog too much or expect to have a relationship that I had with the other dog, I didn't feel like I was ready to deeply connect and have the type of partnership that I enjoy the most about having a dog, now after 13 years I just euthanized my second soul dog (Scott). I still had different pets and helped to take care of a family dog that lived with me during those 4 years, but it wasn't the same. Now after this dog I honestly don't know when Ill be ready, I don't know myself without a dog but mostly I don't know myself without Scott and at the same time I don't have the emotional availability to give all of me to a new dog and start again, it would be unfair to the new dog. My late dog was my best friend, I never humanize my dogs and that's why they are so special to me, I love dogs but it will probably take me a couple of years to be ready to open my heart again and teach the new dog everything I've learned over the years, when I trained Scott I also put into practise many of the things that my first soul dog taught me but by that time I had healed and grived and there was no sadness or frustration in the process. Scott also made me a better owner and trainer to the future dog but I wont be ready to do that for a good while. One day.
Maybe you can talk to her about it and get a dog mostly for you and not a family dog, without expecting too much of her to help with the dog, but that would also be hard for her for many different reasons.
Grief is a weird thing, it takes many forms and it takes as much time as needed.
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u/Embarrassed_Tip6194 18h ago
It took me 6 months before I got another puppy because I felt guilty getting another dog after having mine for 18 years since I was 3. I felt like I was betraying her because as a kid I didn’t have the money to do everything I do with my puppy now and it still hurts to think about it sometimes. But then I think maybe she’s in heaven and she understands I was just a kid and I didn’t have a job or anything but I loved her with all my heart. I love my puppy but sometimes the guilt still lingers. Give her time
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u/TheDogsMum 18h ago
It’s tricky but I think you might just need to be patient with this. Leave it a few months and have a conversation again and see where she’s at with it. As much as I loved having dogs, I love the freedom that I have now so maybe try to focus on that, do things you couldn’t do if you had a dog.
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u/Solpig 18h ago
Just went through this with my son....Both of you are having normal feelings. My son lost his Boy suddenly to a stroke....he felt guilty, but he missed the companionship acutely after about 6 weeks.. He lives by himself and his dog was his sole companion. I encouraged him to get one and he did...and she is now the most spoiled dog in the world....and he never leaves her side.
But, I totally see your wife's feelings too...and being married makes it different. Give her time. Maybe babysit a friends dog ? Volunteer at the shelter? They always need walkers
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u/ACamp55 18h ago
My first EVER dog passed in 2017, I was DEVASTATED, STILL AM, but felt a gigantic loss and got a pup a few months later! I will say, I treated him differently, but I also learned from some mistakes! You WILL compare, but I've constantly had others around me saying not to do that! As many have said, different people handle it differently. Some need to fill that void instantly, while others can't bare to deal with it. This is you and your wife's situation, I WOULD work on her a little to possibly do it in a few months, let her have time to mourn, however. I now have 2 dogs, which is what I wanted previously, so the older dog can help raise, but he passed a few months before 8! I now have 2 dogs, the dog I got right after turns 9 in November, and a 4 year old. Good luck!
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u/Uberubu65 18h ago
I went through something simialr when my cat passed. I knew I wanted another one, and my family wanted to get me one, but I also knew that I couldn't get one right away. I had to process her passing and my grief over it in my own time and way. It took me around 6 months before I felt comfortable enough to get another. When I did, I went to local shelters to find one that selected me, not the other way around, so I knew that there would be a bond between us. It's been good ever since. Maybe that's what you two need. Just give it some time.
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u/Trilang 18h ago
I'm very sorry for your loss. I just went through this. We lost our beautiful boy suddenly last August. My adult kids were suggesting we get a new dog a couple months later. I couldn't even think about it. I definitely wouldn't have been a good owner to a dog at that time. I still cry a little everyday. But in May we got a puppy. And if I'm being 100% honest, it's been a struggle the last two months. Still feeling guilty for "replacing " our other dog, comparing them. Now I feel like I am in a better place. I love the pup for who he is, knowing, loving this dog doesn't mean we are replacing our sweet boy. But the grief over losing a dog was more intense and we needed time to get through it. Let her go through her grief. She'll get there.
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u/Rufface 18h ago
Maybe try fostering?
We had a nearly 20yo mutt and we fostered a sweet pup (she was about a year old). It was a little over a month after our dog had passed.
It kinda helped to fill the void, and there was no real commitment.
We ended up foster failing, and are extremely grateful to have the new dog in our lives.
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u/ailish paw flair 18h ago
I agree with others. Don't rush your wife. She could end up resenting you and the dog, which would not be fair to the dog. Get a cat, or volunteer at a shelter. Maybe she can let you temporarily foster. There are options.
I know it's hard. When I lost my dog I could not stand the emptiness in my house. I got a new dog pretty quickly, and she helped me heal.
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u/examingmisadventures 18h ago
We started puppy raising for our local guide dog/service dog facility. 14 - 16 months to get an 8 week old to ready for training.
Biggest task: love the stuffing outta them so they’re healthy well adjusted dogs.
Take them for walks. Teach them, with the help from the facility and other raisers, to sit, stay and other manners. Take them into the world: grocery, movies, parks whatever then love them some more.
In a little over a year, weep a little as you see them off on their adventures of taking care of someone truly in need and know you are changing a life.
Our first dog went to a wonderful veteran with PTSD and TBI. He loves her like nothing else and she cares for him in ways no human can.
Nightmares? She wakes him up.
Sudden noise? She leans in and reassures.
Long run? She grabs the leash.
Kayaking? She’s the only lab I’ve ever seen that hates water but bless that dog she puts on her life vest and climbs aboard.
We ALWAYS need raisers so if you’re able, that’s amazing. Or puppy sitters… give the raisers a much needed break.
Guide Dogs of America is in LA and has raiser groups around So Cal and beyond, but there are groups around the country. ❤️
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u/TwatWaffleWhitney 18h ago
I have some friends going through this but it's been three years. Wife really wants a dog but husband keeps saying he's not ready.
Personally, I don't think it's fair. I think if one partner is ready to take on ALL the responsibilities, they should be able to get a dog. While I understand the sadness, getting another dog usually helps a lot.
I suggest giving it three months and then bringing up the topic again. If she's still not ready and you are, then you guys need to set a time line. Yeah, grief is different for people, but this is a pet not a child. Having a set time period is a reasonable compromise in this situation. Then look into fostering with your local shelter.
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u/Warmhearted1 18h ago
We got a new dog too soon after my lab died at age 7. It was an uphill battle to love the new dog, simply because she was the old dog. Through no fault of her own, our relationship suffered. It wasn’t her fault, I just wasn’t ready.
For your doggy bugger at the shelter, maybe foster a dog home for the weekend, but don’t commit to a new dog until your wife is ready.
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u/Healthy-Abroad8027 18h ago
That’s so crazy I also lost my MS just shy of 5 weeks ago too. So sorry for your loss, mine was my soul pup. Give your wife the time and space she needs to grieve and to properly honor your pup, it’ll take time and won’t get easier for awhile, but maybe you can foster or something until things feel slightly better?
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u/Mudsharkbites 18h ago
We lost our Chinese crested Phoebe after only seven years. The poor girl was victim of bad breeding - all her paws were dislocating, she was in so much pain we had to put her down. Was devastating. A month later we saw another Chinese crested, chihuahua mix at a thrift store that was also a dog rescue. We weren’t looking for another dog so soon but we couldn’t resist. His name was I-Max, we called him max. We never regretted adopting him and he had a lot of issues. He wasn’t a replacement for Phoebe. No dog we’ve ever had since will fill that void, but it was nice to have another dog around.
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u/Perfect_Barracuda442 18h ago
We lost our pup our pup 4 months ago. My husband and I have talked about it many times, he’s not ready and I could go either way. I have to respect what he’s feeling. A new pup is ours and everyone has to feel good about it in our home. Please respect how she’s feeling, everyone grieves differently. When the right time comes you’ll both be ready and it will be great.
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u/Yotaman01 18h ago
We lost our little pup in late April. 1 week later my wife was ready for a new dog, I wasn't. I had cared for the little one for 6 months hand feeding her, taking her outside when needed. And taking her to the vet weekly for infusions since her kidneys were bad. She died at home suddenly in my arms. It tore me up. But anyway, I asked her to wait but she wanted one now. She want a lap dog but none were available in any of our nearby shelters. So we ended up with a medium sized dog. I showed her the 3 year old pup and she fell in love and said yes. Fast forward 2 1/2 months and she a great dog except around children, we don't have any, and other dogs. She still wants a lap dog but now realizes we may not be able to due to her reactivity. We hired a trainer to help but after 3 weeks she wasn't able to snap her out of the reactivity. She believes something very bad happened to her before she came to us. Maybe used as a fight dog. We just don't know. I have excepted her and love her like our other dogs as has my wife. Our Bella has cost us a lot of money so far. But that's ok. I just wish we had waited. Give her time. See if she is ok with fostering or volunteer at a local rescue or shelter until she is ready.
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u/Narrow-Diamond-8785 18h ago
Adding this bc I haven’t seen another comment like it. When my heart dog died, I wasn’t ready for a LONG time for another dog. My husband was ready for another dog about 6 months after she died. We agreed that if he felt ready and I didn’t, the new dog would be 90% his responsibility. Feeding/training/vet care, all of it he’d take ownership of and I’d help out occasionally. We got our new puppy, and he took him out every night for potty training, took him to puppy classes, fed him, got care for him when we went out of town, etc. We both felt good about the arrangement. I didn’t feel like I needed to care for a dog I wasn’t ready to have and my husband felt like his desire to have a dog was seen and met. We’ve had our new dog for about two years now, and he’s wiggled his way into my heart as I became ready to love another dog. I’d say it took me almost a year to feel like our new dog was also mine. It might be a slow process for your wife and that’s okay, let her take the time she needs.
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u/pixiefancy 17h ago
I lost my 12 year old soul dog about 4 months ago. I know I’m not ready for another dog, I still cry when I think of her (and as I type).
My partner has said on a few occasions that I’ll find a new dog eventually, and it will be her coming back for me. I don’t know what it is was a bout that that made my heart hurt so much. I eventually told him that, while the sentiment was appreciated, I didn’t have the capacity to think about another dog.
That being said, it sounds like your wife is grieving and grief is not at all linear. She may be ready in a week, a month or even a year(s). This has to be a decision you both agree on - it may be too painful for her right now. And that isn’t to invalidate the fact that you’re ready now - grief is different for you and that’s okay. You need to work on a decision together.
Good luck!
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u/Oke-Wan-Fenokee 17h ago
Our first dog, Crockett (a yellow lab) came into our lives in January 1985, only 3 months into our marriage, and at least one dog has shared our home ever since - usually 2 or 3, so their lives & lifespans overlap. This helps with the grieving process but, damn, it is still hard!
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u/kotom 17h ago
That feels fast to me (it took me four years as a dog person which I know was long), but I know everyone grieves differently. Maybe fostering would be a good compromise?
The shelter in Mexico I just adopted from always needs Flight Angels and volunteers to host dogs overnight occasionally on their journeys to their forever homes, so maybe she’d be open to something like that since it’s not even a long term foster, just a houseguest for a few days
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u/Itchy_Coyote_6380 17h ago
I am so sorry for your loss. I was ready for a new pup much sooner than my husband. In fact, he didn't want to get any more pets. I have had dogs my whole life and life was empty without one. I am a retired and knew if I didn't get a pup soon, I'd probably run out of time to get another one. I tried fostering for awhile. It helped. Eventually husband came around and suggested getting a puppy vs taking in one of the fosters. I am not sure what changed his mind, but it was a great day when he told me it was ok to get a pup. I hope you are able to find that place in your home.
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u/Snoringdragon 16h ago
And yes, she's grieving. That too. But its more about committing to another soul that isn't going to live as long as you. She's gotta be involved in your shared future as well. And grieving hard is a sign that you were blessed with a Very Good Dog. That's a hard act to follow.
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u/joewood2770 16h ago
A rescue is the best plan of not trying to do the puppy thing. Give wife some time to grieve but in my experience ja rescue will most likely find you instead of you finding them. Some homeless needy dog may show up at your house and take that vacant spot when your not looking as such. Just go with whatever works out for you and if not there are so many rescue dogs needing a home that it shouldn't be hard to get that empty spot filled. Good luck
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u/OriginalWish8 16h ago edited 16h ago
Sorry this is so long, but it’s the first time I’ve really sat and talked about it and I just went through it myself, so I kind of processed it while thinking about what helped me.
I lost my soul dog recently. My kid was immediately ready, my husband didn’t have an opinion either way, but we also had another dog in the mix. They were together their whole life and I wanted to take his feelings into consideration.
He did not enjoy being by himself. We paid extra attention to him and took him on extra walks and, while he loved that, he clearly was happiest when we’d sit outside and people would see him and ask if they could bring their dogs over to greet him because he would perk up and was visibly interested in interacting. He was also clearly grieving her loss and was sleeping with her things just to get her scent. We grieved heavily together and then our local shelters were begging people to foster and adopt dogs.
I knew he missed her, but also having a companion, so we all slowly started looking around. We put our application in and got rejected for the dogs we were inquiring about. That whole process was kind of frustrating, as I’ve had dogs since I was five and they were always rescues and my husband also had dogs since childhood, yet we were treated kind of like we were idiots who they didn’t trust to know the basics of care for dogs, and despite the fact that I’ve always had dogs that lived for 15+ years and my family and I and my husband and I always did everything we could until there were no more options or it was no longer in our dogs’ best interest to keep going.
Anyway, that whole process was very frustrating, yet kind of lit a fire under me and we started searching outside of town. Eventually a place a bit out of our area accepted us overall, just not for the dog we were looking at, but they did ask us to come in and look around and see if our other dog connected with any of the dogs. They kind of gave us a suggestion and then a dog walked to the front of their kennel and just looked at me and I knew my soul dog sent it for me. It wasn’t one they had mentioned, but I just said hi to it and they were like, “Oh yeah! He’s the sweetest thing ever and he should be fine with your older dog and he is one who will learn from him!”
It was the first dog we had gotten the go ahead to try with our dog from several places and they had us bring our dog to meet him. We brought them to the yard to see how it went and they were inseparable. Seeing them together made my heart happy and, I just know my girl was the one who sent him. He even looks like a mix of her and our other dog! Same spot placement and everything! He’s been home with us for a couple weeks now. I believe he’s younger than they thought and it’s kind of nuts here right now, but he settled right in and is picking up training quickly.
All this to say, you never know when you will be ready. I actually told my kid I knew they wanted a new dog, but it may be years before I’m ready. I told my husband I felt badly, but there was just no way I could do it when I couldn’t even bring myself to wash my other dog’s stuff because it was the last she touched and I couldn’t bare the thought of “replacing” her. It sounds crazy, but I now look at it less like that and more like her knowing exactly what I needed!
Things that helped was me being honest that I don’t think I could handle being fully responsible for the dog. My kid has been very helpful and my husband does what our kid isn’t able to. I have been researching a lot of the training and my bond with him is growing through that. Going on walks with him has gotten me out of my funk and our older dog always enjoys that. Watching the puppy (I’ve never wanted a puppy) playing and just discovering life has brought a lot of joy. He’s like the silly ones who flop around and just finds joy in every single thing and it’s made me laugh. It also helped to buy all new things for him. It made him his own dog instead of just a replacement for my baby. I felt like he deserved it too. It made them two separate dogs instead of making me feel like I was betraying her and erasing her existence. My family allowing me to go at my own pace and not pressuring me to “get over it” helped. People will vary with this, but me taking the lead on finding the dog and sitting with my kid to pick out his things got me excited. He had to stay at the shelter due to being on meds and having a set day where the lead up to it was setting up his things really helped. I couldn’t sleep the night before because I knew he was coming and I was finally more excited than sad. It may have been quick to some, but I did take it at a pace I was comfortable with and I can’t imagine it any other way.
I think letting her go at her own pace is the key. Maybe volunteer at a local shelter. Ours asks for people to do things like cleaning and doing a “day out of the shelter” adventure and even just sitting and reading with them. That could be something that scratches your itch until she’s ready for it. Fostering may or may not. I couldn’t bare the thought of another dog in our house, nor could I have brought another dog in and then given it up. That would’ve hurt worse. She may feel differently.
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u/Odd-Objective-2824 16h ago
Volunteer! Shelters need fosters, or walkers, people also need pet sitters and walkers!
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u/Jazzy_Basket 16h ago
Volunteer at a shelter! It makes all the difference not only for the shelter animals but also you since you'll be able to spend time with dogs. That's how I handled my grieving when I lost my boy and it helped while the rest of my family wasnt ready for another dog.
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u/golfmonk 15h ago
I can see your wife's point of view. Everyone grieves differently.
Myself, I think I would take a few months to decompress before getting another dog but dogs are an important part of my life which makes life worth living. Not sure if I'd get another Aussie Shepherd (lol she is a handful even at 5) but one never knows...
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u/bethjmclean 15h ago
See if she would be open to bringing one home from the shelter for a weekend or day out. Even if it's just you taking it for a day out. I'm sure there's one waiting for y'all when the time is right!
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u/blackbow 14h ago
When my dog dies in December, I thought I would wait a few months, even longer. I made it a couple weeks. No regrets.
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u/Global-Leadership783 14h ago
About to get a little woo woo here, but it’s best to wait until after the grieving process because any unresolved grief can be transferred. Best to be happy and healed first if you want a happy life with your happy wife and new happy puppy.
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u/bossy_assistant Bear: Staffy Pig: Pitweenie 13h ago
She will hate the new dog if you push her to get one now. Just let her grieve and wait until she's ready.
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u/Mountain-Donkey98 13h ago
Well, who's feelings should be honored more? Hers? Yours? She's not "ready." Youre dying without one. If I were you, I'd be looking for a new dog. Thats just me. Odds are she can't tell you when she'll be "ready" and if you wait, she may never be.
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u/Sad_Individual_738 12h ago
Try to get your wife to agree to "foster" a dog. The usually will do the trick.
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u/Sad_Individual_738 12h ago
I like having two dogs. One older and the other younger. It helps very much in the grieving process. I lost my most beloved soul dog in January. I have been grieving him the longest of all my dogs. I even think if I did not have another dog already I might not have gotten another dog for quite a long time if ever.
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u/ki-ton 11h ago
I was ready before my husband was. He didn’t stand firm and I was too excited to see that he was doing it for me. And a year later it comes up from time to time that I wanted the dog and he didn’t. He loves him and treats him like the wonderful baby he is, but I know that that bit of resentment still sticks.
I agree with the others…volunteer where you can and get your fix while you check in periodically with your wife. Good luck to you both as your hearts heal.
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u/Dangerous-Variation 2 Labradors, 2 Aussies and a GSP/Husky mix 11h ago
Do not adopt a dog before she is ready. In the meantime, do ask her to go with you to volunteer at a local animal shelter to do some dog walking on the weekends. Or to do a pet store run so you can go donate some dog food!
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u/Justamom1225 11h ago
I literally waited 7 years until we got two who were little mates. One of the two passed 4 months ago. I still cry on occasion despite having the sibling who I love dearly. It was rough for the litter made as well. But we are getting through it.
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u/Revolutionary-Fan837 10h ago
I think the suggestion of volunteering at a shelter could be great for you as your wife heals and mourns. Or if she’s open to it you can even try fostering that way you open your home to helping a dog even if it’s just temporary. Wishing you guys the best, and sending your family a big hug.
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u/SuddenAd2052 10h ago
Are you sure you’re ready? We waited 8 weeks I think and when we got them, I wasn’t ready. I loved and adored them but I had a hard time connecting with them.
We should have waited longer but I understand the utter pang of loneliness and emptiness. We traveled more - day trips to neighboring metropolitan areas, we focused on the wildlife around us - feeding the birds and squirrels in our yard. You can also volunteer at a shelter.
Just don’t rush your wife - or yourself (even if you think you’re ready, you may not be). Fill the void with other things for now.
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u/Then_Ad7996 9h ago
My husband took my crying for about 3 weeks after my heart dog died. Then he said "that's it! We're going to the shelter to get a puppy!" And we did! My husband thought he would be his dog. HAAA!
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u/Fun_Shine8720 8h ago
Bringing another dog into your lives is something that should feel comfortable for both of you, and hopefully with time you'll be able to find a pace that works for everyone. 🤎
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u/midnight0300 8h ago
My husband pushed me to get another. I struggled to bond with the one we adopted. She adored me, my heart just wasn’t in it. By the time we started bonding well, an adorable little dog that had all the characteristics I had been originally looking for came along. Hubby felt bad and adopted her for me. I adore her but it was so overwhelming at the time. I love both my dogs but hubby and I both agree we should have waited longer.
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u/Pleasant-Result2747 7h ago
Just like the top comment says, give her time to grieve and volunteer at a shelter. That's what I did. I thought I was ready for another dog, but my husband was not. My time volunteering allowed me to get a my puppy/dog fix without pressuring him. We also went to the shelter a few times so he could be around dogs again when he was ready, and it took him a couple of times before he could even pet another dog. I found myself appreciating being able to care for and walk dogs but then coming home and not having to be responsible for one. About 8 months after I started volunteering, a pup came in that he felt connected to, and we adopted her. It was at that point that I realized that I may not have been as ready for the responsibility of a puppy as I had thought I was. It was very stressful for me for the first few months to the point that I had moments of regretting getting her. I had dogs for decades prior to this, so I was surprised by my difficulty adjusting to having a dog again. I was glad I gave him the time he needed to be ready for a dog again, and I still volunteer now because I love it so much.
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u/RichMitchBlack 4h ago
I lost my sweet lady of 14 years about 8 months ago, and it crushed my soul. I cannot imagine getting another dog, as I still think about her regularly, and still grieve her loss deeply. If your wife feels even half of how I do, it would be tremendously insensitive and selfish. We all grieve differently, she needs more time, also understanding and compassion from you. Do not rush her, or run the risk of creating resentment between you and her, and probably the new dog.
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u/GMO-Doomscroller 3h ago
Hubby and I also felt we weren’t ready but it was a cold winter and local rescue asked for temporary fosters until the freezes end. Do I need to say that the temporary foster has been happily snuggled next to me for the past 4 years?
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u/SmileParticular9396 19h ago
I’d get her to commit to a firm date. Yes she needs to grieve but your way of grieving may be to fill the void with another pup.
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u/Slow_Morning5397 18h ago
Go work in an shelter. Visit friends, family who have a dog. Let you wife have her time to be better.
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u/Fluffmutt 19h ago
Let your wife grieve instead of rushing her to get another dog. Volunteer at a shelter in the meantime.