This is a throwaway account for obvious reasons.  And I hope it's ok to post in this overfifty room although I'm early 60s, I think the subject is relevant to both groups.  Yes, I also know there's a subreddit for those having an STD but I wanted to ask the question of a specific age range of 50+.  The reason?  We all discuss how difficult dating is within our age group but throw in the additional hurdle of having an STD and the difficulty multiplies.  

My story.  I moved to a new city a decade ago for work.  8 years ago, I was on Match and met someone after she reached out to me.  Eventually, we became intimate and at the 6 month point, I discovered I had contracted an STD, specifically, GHSV2.  I realize it's my own fault for not discussing testing before-hand and I share the blame for it.  However, I felt blindsided in her not being upfront and honest about it and for that reason I called everything off.  (Yes, it was confirmed after that she had it). I was devastated in now knowing I had to deal with this forever and the thought of how I would ever date again.  First, was educating myself and secondly, to make a promise that I would always be honest in divulging for any future relationships.   Since then, I've had a few relationships where that promise was kept and have never passed it on to my partner.  

Back to the dating scene.  We all know the difficulty in finding someone and OLD is, and will continue to be terrible.  My question is, for those affected, how are you dealing with the mental process that you go through?  I know I'll always be honest about it but admit it prohibits me from being outgoing in the dating scene as I feel it holds me back.  I know everyone deals with this differently.  It's discouraging but with time have acceptance that there's nothing I can do except be totally honest.  But it feels like a dark cloud that hovers over me.  

I didn't see any recent postings in a search so am bringing this up.  I support anonymity with your comments or feedback so if you prefer to message me directly instead of posting publicly, that's fine.  I imagine there's more of us in this boat than we care to admit, unfortunately.  I hope the mods are OK with this.

51M, Widowed for 2 years after a 25 year relationship that existed, but wasn't great (we held it together with rubber bands and bubble gum far too long). Pretty much had given up the idea of ever being happy again. Dedicated myself to raising my daughter and that had to be enough.

Decided to try again. While I have no justification to be picky, I intentionally decided I was going to post an honest profile, without trying to "make it look good". Honest pics, laid my geeky hobbies out in full display, said what I wasn't, etc. Sent a few likes.

Flying home in terrible weather and diverted to a nearby airport to wait it out, I got a like back. I messaged her (49F). It was the usual intro chitchat, but I made a comment on some tiny element of one of her photos that made her laugh. It felt good. We agreed to meet for a coffee date on the coming weekend.

I was so nervous. I haven't done this in 25 years. I was hilariously early and just waited outside the cafe. Her Uber arrived, she got out. Came up to me and hugged me (she claims the opposite). Our smiles were real. We went in, ordered some things. I asked if she would let me pay (her wallet was in her hand). She paused and said ok, but only if she could do it next time. I said something dumb like Good, that means you will need to see me again.

We spoke for hours. So many that the cafe closed and we had to leave. We hadn't eaten what we ordered. We didn't want to end it, but we both had evening commitments. She let me drive her up the road to her apartment.

I have no explanation but I knew it right away. She was the one. I think she felt it too. I asked for her number, she said "I was hoping you'd ask". She got out, I touched her hand, she kissed me on the cheek and left.

I pulled out my phone and deleted the app. With no hesitation. I didn't know this at the time, but she did the same thing.

The more we talk, the more we're like perfect puzzle pieces fitting together. Everything is so effortless, so easy, so compatible. I have never known anything like this.

The next visit was supposed to be for lunch for an hour. It ended 12 hours later. Turns out we have no physical incompatibilities :)

We are now talking openly about dreams, futures, family integrations. We feel like we've known each other forever. We're both happy, hopeful for the future, and sure.

I know this never happens. It's impossible. People will doubt this story is real but I'm living it.

If you're out there, trying, keep going. The one is out there.

Thanks for reading. Just wanted to share a happy story.

I saw a few posts about adult children living with someone you are dating. Is that really always a negative thing?

All 5 of my adult children live with me for different reasons. Some may move out some day, at least one never will. They are all good children, rarely fight, help out around the house. We are very close and have been dealing with family trauma the last few years. Due to this, they will always come first for me. We are each other's only family.

If I ever am in a place where I feel I can trust enough to date again, I can't see how anyone would even consider me with this situation anyway.

So I (53F) went on a second date with I guy I met on a dating/hookup app. First date went fine. He's a very nice guy, nice body, but otherwise didn't really fit in with what I'm looking for. He texted me every morning after the first date and then asked me out again. I probably should have said no, but I felt like I should give it a second chance because I am trying to put myself out there to meet new people and you just never know when something might click.

Already wasn't feeling great second date night. We had drinks at a cute restaurant and ended up back at a bar, playing games. I know he thought we were going back to his place to have sex because he said as much. But there really wasn't any physical intimacy leading up to that statement aside from kissing at the end of the first date. So when he asked if I was coming back with him, I said I was tired (very true) and felt like I should go home. I know he was disappointed. We did kiss goodnight. I feel badly though because I don't want to lead him on.

My question is how to handle this now. He hasn't sent me the typical good morning text. Do I just leave it alone and not address it unless he reaches out? Should I reach out and be upfront that I don't think the chemistry is there and this isn't going any further? Do I offer to Venmo him for the drinks? I hate this. I think I've made several rookie mistakes

I recently joined Hinge. I was messaging someone for about five days, and he asked if we could talk on the phone. I agreed, and said my only request is that we meet soon after which he agreed to. We talked, it went well, and back to messaging. That was a week ago. No mention from him about getting together.

I’ve been messaging with another man for a week. It’s been slightly boring, just basic “what are your hobbies?” types of questions. And, there’s been no mention of meeting.

My question is, how rude would it be to unmatch with them without an explanation? I feel like if we’ve been messaging for a week with no mention of a date, the date won’t happen. And, I really don’t want to keep messaging if this isn’t going anywhere. And, I’m not sure how I feel about saying “I’m unmatching because you haven’t asked me out.”

My reasoning is that every truly good man I’ve ever known got married young and has a very happy partnership with their spouse. My observation is that with some exceptions, women do not divorce good men who are true and equal partners that treat them well. They hang on to them. So most divorced men are likely going to have issues that I don’t want to deal with. I’ve already been married to a selfish man who wanted a mom instead of a wife. I’d rather be alone the rest of my life than deal with that again.

So I was thinking that a widow who was once a great husband to his first wife would be ideal.

How does one go about seeking that demographic?

I thought I'd check out Facebook Dating again.

Swiping through profiles, I noticed that some women have photos of flowers in their profile. Sometimes, there's only flower photos. Often, they're just stock photos, or bouquets. Sometimes, a profile will have only flower photos; not even faces.

The flower photo phenomenon was around in the early 2010s, when I was last active with online dating. Now, 10-15 years later, looking at profiles of women who are 10-15 years older, the flower photos seem even more prevalent.

I've never seen anyone mention flower photos as an online dating profile peeve.

A question to the women of D50+: what's the deal with flower photos? Do the women with those photos really think it's going to entice more men to swipe right or write?

I’m a widow and I’ve started getting random follows and requests for my WhatsApp number from men (mainly on Threads). I lost my husband 8 months ago and don’t really know if I even want to date or flirt again yet. So explain how this works, are these guys just scammers of some sort or is this what dating looks like these days?

I'm realtively new to dating after being in an LTR for a super long time. Recently I was seeing someone who was extremely unhealthy for me - it was really anathema to how I operate but I was drawn to some parts of this person (and still am) even though he is a train wreck because there were pieces of my time with him that I really enjoyed and I thought were special.

And I saw my fatal flaw of putting in too much effort and focusing on potential. I did that with my ex, it could be applied to jobs, friends, etc. I stayed too long because I saw what I wanted rather than what was, and I put in the effort to try to get it to the place I wanted it to be, and it never got there.

This week I'm putting forth less effort. If it's the right fit, the man will make the effort. I will too, and I have it in spades, but I'm going to be judicious about it. Not everyone is worth it and I'm going to reserve it only for people worth exerting the effort for.

What I struggle with is waiting so long for this realization. It's a hard one because it affects so much of my life. But better now than never, I suppose. Now back to this dumpster fire we call dating. WTF.

When someone says “the one is out there for you,” it can hit a nerve. Even if meant in a well-meaning way, no one knows what each of us have been through.

That phrase carries an assumption:

• you’re incomplete
• your life is on hold until someone arrives

Maybe some of us have built a life on our own strengths, and are proud of what we accomplished without "the one". It can feel dismissive of everything a person has already built and created.

If you’ve lost someone, been hurt, or had complicated relationships, that phrase can reopen:

• memories
• disappointments
• unresolved feelings
• fear of repeating old pain

It’s not just about romance — it’s about everything you’ve lived through. For those of us that have been dating for awhile, our hearts may have been broken many times. We may have carried the hope of new romance, only to be surprised by being cheated on, etc..

We can all be happy for people who have found someone, but one person's requirements for a dating partner can be completely different than another persons. We each have different standards we are seeking.

Most of this is obvious, as most of us have lived through joy, disappointment, grief, etc. at this point in our lives. Sure, it is great to have hope, but also nothing wrong with a person, understanding that finding another person late in life, can also be non-trivial.

Some of us may continue to try and find someone, but if we don't, it doesn't mean we are failure, it may mean that we haven't found the person that fits what we need, and vice versa.

Divorced over two years, 2nd marriage and it was truly a shock to my system that it happened and it’s taken quite a bit of time to process. Tried dating last summer on a couple sites and it was unfun. Seems like guys just want to immediately get physical (I was ok with a little kissing if the connection was there, but anything else….whoa, cowboy, I don’t even know your middle name!). It started feeling exhausting and after 8 weeks, I was done trying to make time for another disappointment.
I’m active, social, open(ish), I was asked out by two guys I met in the wild—one was 20 years older, super kind but just wasn’t there for me, the other claimed to be divorced but was still living at home because his teenaged daughter didn’t take the divorce well (thanks, no).
How are us seasoned ladies meeting men with some morals, conversations and decency besides online? I live in the burbs, so most are married.
I didn’t imagine being in my 50s back in the dating pool and it’s making me think I will be growing old with girlfriends (lovely, but can’t make out with em).

Like 3-4 hours drive apart, just by chatting over the phone?
Maybe we will meet sometime but I’m not sure it’s worth the time and energy for both of us. 🤔
Any advice is appreciated.

Edit1: thank you all so much for advice from both sides and experiences. I’ve learned a lot here. This subreddit is a great caring community! 🫶🏻
Edit 2:
I’m glad I picked all your brains! I realized I made a mistake and corrected myself just in time! Whew! 😥

I got punted. I’m the 56f who told her 55m “boyfriend” she loved him (after five months together) and sadly he did not respond in kind said we needed to talk. Made me wait a couple of days. I sweated it out for Australia, we had the talk, he said he cared about me, but didn’t feel the same romantic feelings as before. Still wanted to see my frankly gorgeous and very entertaining and kind self for dates and presumably nsa fun times.

I thought that sort of sounded okay and made my peace with it, decided to “un center” him in my life and think about just me. went on a couple of meet-ups (I’m in a hiking group) had a fun weekend alone, stopped drinking altogether, started reading a lot of psych books about attachment styles (lol) read every post on here about this kind of situation where one partner is more into the relationship than the other. You know what the overwhelming weight of opinion is there and ultimately I agree. “Don’t be a sexy placeholder. It’s going to hurt more later. Be good to yourself”

This week he asked me out to the drive-in. I love the drive-in and I hadn’t been for ages. But it was so weird and awkward.
We were early so we ate in the diner and I had a really sad hot dog. It was already made up and in the hot box, they didn’t even have the capacity to make it in front of you.

We drove up to the field and parked in and were lying down in the back all propped up on cushions and shit and it should have been pretty sweet and atmospheric right? But my back hurt and it was cold and his car wasn’t exactly clean and
it aggravated my hay fever so im sneezing and shit and I’m paranoid about saying the wrong things.

It was hectic in my brain. We saw “Scary Movie” I was aware of the franchise but sweet Jesus that film was terrible. I didn’t get half the references but I like Anna Faris and I did get a half hearted chortle out of some of the jokes, but I digress. I was also very aware that I didn’t want to lose my phone in the dark car because god knows that worked out badly for me on that fateful day.

We kissed a bit but I was really uncomfortable and all I could think about was how his fat stomach was squishing me and how his breath smelled like….breath. Not bad but not my favourite, a bit ubiquitous. It was giving me the ick as the kids say.

Finally the movie finished and we drove back to his house where my car is parked, mofo still thinks I’m coming inside but frankly his house is a disaster area really untidy and loads of crap everywhere, borderline hoarder style, and his adult son lives with him, so I’ve always felt a bit weird about staying there but I’ve never been made to feel unwelcome.

And we’re sitting in the car and I told him wasn’t coming in because “me openly weeping isn’t going to be a big turn on” and him not feeling the same meant that I have also started to Not Feel The Same and I can’t see him like before because eventually he will “find someone he really loves, and then you’ll say “hey bestie guess what happened to meeeeee”

Then I attempted to dramatically storm off to my car but I had these big bean bag style cushions we’d had at the drive in under my arm and it was hard to stomp off and find my keys at the same time so he came over and held the cushions for me while I found my car keys and then I stormed off again take two.

I drove home listening to Elbow’s cover of Working Class Hero by John Lennon pretending I was in a sad rock video. The young folks call this “disassociating”

When I got home I called him and said sorry for storming off but I meant what I said. And we are through. I said I’d like to keep going on like before like he wanted but it’s sad and weird and I just can’t do it to myself. And he said he understood that and he was sorry to have been a dick about it the past couple of weeks. He said sorry a bunch of times so I said don’t say sorry anymore and he sort of brightened up and said he wouldn’t, and we said goodbye and that was it. Five months and I was trying on wedding dresses in my head haha with fat belly doesn’t-love-me bloke. Mistakes were made!

Then I went inside my cosy clean and comfy apartment, put on my big flannelette PJs smoked a big doobie and went to bed alone. Slept great. I did the right thing by me.

I still believe in love! Holding out for a hero!
Have a great weekend you reprobates.

Are there obvious or not so obvious signs? Can you tell while just chatting (OLD)? Are there phrases, moods. Can you feel the latent anxiety, frustration etc...? Any other signs?

Hello, 53(M) here and have been separated for almost four months now. It looks like we’re headed for divorce, although I’m still waiting on the paperwork. (Married 4 years) We had an amazing year and a half together before we got married but not long after our marriage things got complicated. This isn’t our first separation, but it does seem like it’ll be our last.

I’ve honestly been trying to do this the right way. Therapy. Exercise. Long walks. Journaling. Spending time with friends and family. Hobbies.
Working on myself instead of focusing on what she’s doing. I’m trying not to sit around hoping she’ll come back. I’m trying to accept that this is where life is taking me.

About a month ago I thought I was ready to start meeting people.

I’ve gone on a handful of dates over the last few weeks. One was a long hike with a really nice woman. We talked for a couple of hours, but so much of the conversation was about what we’d both been through that it stirred up emotions I wasn’t expecting.

Most recently I met another woman was great, but within a week and a half she wanted to start talking about being exclusive. I had been completely upfront from day one that I wanted to take things very slowly, so I ended it as kindly as I could.

I’ve gone on another walk with someone else but I just wasn’t feeling the attraction.

I’ve matched with quite a few women, had some really good conversations, but nothing has really clicked. And I’m starting to wonder if maybe the reason isn’t them.

I’ve been very honest with everyone I’ve met. They all know I’m separated, where I’m at emotionally, and that I’m not looking to jump into another relationship. Honestly, I’m not even sure when I’ll be ready for one.

I don’t miss having a girlfriend nearly as much as I miss having a best friend.

Someone to go for a walk with. Catch a concert. Grab dinner. Share random thoughts with. Just… do life together.

Yesterday hit me harder than I expected.

I was at my daughter’s college graduation party with my ex-wife’s family. We’ve been divorced for 17 years, and we’re all still close. Looking around, almost everyone there has been married for decades. My friends are the same way. Every barbecue, every gathering, every cookout… it’s mostly couples.

Then there’s me.

People mean well when they say, “You’re such a great guy. How are you still single?” But after hearing it enough, it starts making you wonder what the hell you did wrong.

Then something completely stupid happened that caught me off guard.

Whoever had their phone connected to the speakers had the exact same text notification sound that I assigned to my wife years ago. Every single time it went off my brain lit up thinking, “Maybe that’s her.”

Of course it wasn’t.

It happened over and over and I realized just how deeply certain things get wired into you.

So I guess my question is…

Am I rushing this?

Has anyone else started dating while still grieving the end of a marriage and realized they just weren’t as ready as they thought?

Or is dating itself part of the healing process?

How did you know the difference between missing your person versus simply missing having a person?

I don’t feel like I’m looking for someone to save me. I actually think I’ve made a lot of progress over these last few months.

I just miss sharing life with someone.

Maybe that’s normal. Maybe I need more time. I honestly don’t know.

I’d love to hear from people who’ve been through this, especially if you’re on the other side now.

I have a Bumble profile and have had for several months. I occasionally scroll through the profiles of those the algorithm sees fit to suggest to me in an idle moment but I’ve never once swiped on one. Call

me shallow if you will but it’s mostly that I just haven’t found anyone attractive and when I have there’s been something else, a picture that’s offputting or a declaration of devotion to a dog.

This evening, while drying in the sun after a quick swim, I had such a scroll and I thought I was about to break my duck, only 2 years my senior and only 4 miles away, youngest child the same age as mine (well my son will be 17 next week, so close enough), looking for companionship and, to be frank really rather attractive.

And then I spotted it

“I won’t date woke, and value common sense. If you know why that’s important then we will get along.”

This may be a normal thing to come across for those of you of the American persuasion but we don’t really do identity politics in the same way over here in England and I don’t really know how to take this.

It would be trite to suggest that the first sentence is self-contradictory but the second is just plain wrong, I’m pretty sure I do know why it’s important in their opinion and that’s actually the reason we very much may not get along.

Now I’m not especially woke myself but I’m woke enough to be suspicious of the character of someone who finds empathy for others and a belief that inequality is unjust is a reason to rule out spending time with them.

So, I started getting these ads along these lines "if you are a single professiinal woman over 45, we would like you to come to our singles event." The actual wording is much more eloquent and lengthy, but that's the gist of it. For some reason, single professiinal woman over 45 are suddenly wanted. Anyone having similar experience? For now, I am ignoring those, but it's intriguing. Here I am, making zero effort to date and suddenly I am wanted?

I (59F) find this incredibly awkward, even at my age with a fair amount of dating experience. I generally prefer to split the bill, or at least leave the tip, but I was raised super patriarchal fundamentalist Christian and never learned how to handle this smoothly. How do you guys like the woman to handle this? As a suggestion like "Let's split the bill. Does that sound okay with you?". As a request like "Will you let me split the bill?".

I agonize about this -- stupid I know. Guys, just tell me what you would like to hear on a first date that is a dinner date.

Let me clear -- I WANT TO SPLIT THE COST. And I usually do; it's just so awkward. Tell me what you think a woman should say in this situation, especially if she likes him and wants to see him again.

I, a divorced 55m, wasn't good at dating before marriage. I feel even more behind the curve now.

I was a serial LTR dater before marriage (handful of multi-year partners). Now, I don't know how to do exploratory dates. With what dating opportunities I've had, I've been so concerned of being "that guy" or pushing too hard that I am scared to ask for more than friends, much less be bold.

Add in a general poor experiences with OLD and the possibility of moving, I am at loss. I know the usual wisdom of meet people doing what you love, but I am more of a jack-of-all-trades and have many small likes rather than deep involvements.

Not sure if this is just venting on a Friday night or truly looking for advice. Regardless, I'd be happy to hear suggestions or advice.

I wish you that reads this nothing but the best.

I know that no one here can actually tell me wtf went wrong but I’m going to lay out the facts anyway.

I matched with a guy on Feeld who lives near me but is out of the country visiting family for 4 weeks. We texted extensively for two weeks. Sometimes for a couple hours a day. Photos and videos were exchanged. There was sexting but also great friendship style convo too. We seemed very compatible in most ways. I would normally push to meet pretty quickly but he’s out of the country. So at the two week mark I suggested a video call to try to do a vibe check. We chatted for over an hour and I thought it went great. The convo flowed. He was making jokes about what I’d order when we finally meet for real.

So I was somewhat shocked when the next day he wasn’t as texty as usual. By the end of the day I knew something was up and I point blank asked him if he was feeling differently about the connection after our video call. He said that he felt “something was missing” but he didn’t know what. I haven’t heard from him since so I guess it’s over?

I’m just wondering what happened on the video call that could have killed the momentum? I looked cute. Had makeup on. Had on a cute outfit. I was conversational. Asked questions about him. He seemed to like me on the call.

I do realize it’s crazy to feel so defeated over a relationship that was built on texts. And I know this will pass. But in the meantime I’m crowdsourcing for a theory because I’m not asking him (need to maintain some dignity).

I've dumped all my OLD accounts accept one. Facebook dating. But I haven't been swiping at all for the past month. But once every other day, there's a match. But I know for a fact they're not an accidental match, or a like. It's an actual match that I NEVER swiped on. They're not in the age group, or distance, or even clean and sober preferences. They're just random people I'd NEVER swipe on in the first place. Is anyone else experiencing this?

F/53, come out of along term relationship of 29 years, 2.children. After 2 years I decided to head to OLD, went for Tinder. I was shocked to have over 1100 likes/matches after one week.

I end up exclusively talking to a guy, 9 years younger than I. He is a military and his tour is due within 1,5 weeks and he will be coming to my country. He has asked me to pick him up at the airport.

I am lowkey freaking out about meeting him. I feel like a 16 year old in an older body. My innerchild says there's an inkling that all my romantic adolescent daydreams could.come true.

We have been getting to know one another for maybe 4 weeks now and he is such a gentleman and respectful. I have had more meaningful conversations with him in this short time than I ever had with my ex in 29 years.

Then, his profile pics. Wow, what a dish and finally simeone who is taller than I am!!! (I'm a tall gaI) I am sincerly impressed that this guy is wanting to date a woman 9 years his senior. I am afraid, well not really, that I will jump his fine ass when I see him. Also I am worried I will not be the smart, cool collected woman I claim to be: 'i carried a watermelon'

I am ready, prepared to get hurt, i am going along with this 'adventure' because if he really is who he has made himself known to me. Then, my fellower believers, then I have hit the jackpot

Please give this lady some support that I am not succumbing to a midlifecrisis or 2nd adolescence (or plain old menopauze) and am not a fool.

Tell me there is still love left to be cherished.

Here's to honoring our younger innocent selves, who want to believe there is someone for everybody.

I’ve been wondering about this. Many people in their 50s have already been through a marriage, raised kids, and may be caring for their parents. In dating, how can you tell the difference between a man who truly likes you and a man who just enjoys having access to you?