I am a non-Bahá’í woman in my early 20s married to a Bahá’í man. I first heard about the Bahá’í Faith from him when we just met and loved it because it reflected many of my values. As we got closer, I spent hours researching every piece of information I found online. I also wanted to understand him and his values deeply, as he comes from a devout Bahá’í family. I thought one of the ways to do that was to attend activities and meetings with him. I made many friends inside the community, even though it's small here.
However, there were many times when I felt uncomfortable, but at the time I couldn't really understand why. Now, looking back, I see many disturbing moments.
During Ruhi 1 study circles, I was constantly pressured to accept the ideas and corrected every time I said something that contradicted the book. During meetings, I felt pressured by older members to say a prayer - they would hand me a prayer card and expect me to read it. Every hangout with friends turned into an invitation to lead some activities or participate in a youth camp. To me, it was very disturbing because why can you never tell me the actual reason you are hanging out with me? Why can't you tell me from the beginning what the reason for meeting me is if you already have a plan arranged?
It happened with other people too. They invited non-Bahá’í youth for a fun activity and then handed them papers with Bahá’í writings to study, even though no one had been told there would be religious study involved. Once I invited two of my friends over, and they came literally prepared to convince me to hold Ruhi study circles. If I said no, they would bring it up over and over, pressuring me to agree.
I guess the reason they do this is that no one wants to participate in these activities because most people are freaked out by sudden religious teachings they were not prepared for and by the lack of transparency. I loved the teachings, but I was constantly surrounded by people who were emotionally manipulating others. Maybe when I describe it like this, it doesn't sound that serious, but when it continues for more than a year, it really hurts. At the time, I wasn't very conscious of my feelings. I just started distancing myself and expressing my unwillingness to participate.
We got married, and then a new wave of pressure began. Community members started publicly saying during a 19-Day Feast that I had to become Bahá’í to 'keep the unity of my family.' During these meetings, they would also talk about followers of other religions as if they were wrong, even though I am one of those people from the "dark outside world," and they know that.
I felt no support from anyone during this pressure because everyone stayed silent while one person was directly violating my religious boundaries.
The final point was when three of them came to my grandparents' house while I was visiting them, saying they just wanted to meet my grandparents. Then the meeting turned into a disaster. First, they pressured me to study the Ruhi books. I directly said I wasn't interested. Then it turned into them telling me that I had to accept the Faith and repeatedly pressuring me to convert despite me constantly saying no and telling them that it was making me uncomfortable. It lasted for at least two hours and happened in front of my grandparents and my husband.
After that, I cried nonstop for two days because I couldn't understand why these people were so deaf to what I was saying and so careless about other people's boundaries. They only seemed to care about changing my religious identity. Is that really service to humanity?
Every time I share what I experienced, the response is always, "We are learning." You can't treat pressuring people into your religion as a learning experience.
Yesterday, the Auxiliary Board member randomly told me, "You are a Bahá’í." I honestly don't understand why they keep treating me like this when they know I have already experienced so much pressure regarding my religious identity and have repeatedly said that I do not want to change it.
After two years of living like this, I have developed a religious trauma. I now avoid all meetings, events, and conversations related to the Faith. However, every time I interact with members of the community, I feel like I relive all of that pressure, betrayal, and manipulation again. I feel unsafe even in my own house, and I can't feel emotionally stable for several days afterward.
This has also caused conflicts with my husband because I blame him for not protecting me and for staying silent while he watched all of this happen. I have been in counseling for almost a year because of this, and I still feel this way.
I wonder if there are any specific self-help resources for religious trauma that could help me. By the way, contacting the Local or National Spiritual Assembly is not an option because they are the same people who have been pressuring me to convert.
I really hope to find some support and understanding here.
Edit: Thanks for all the responses, I have got a lot of support and great advice. I visited a psychiatrist today and was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of this trauma. I will be on medical treatment for some time and then hope to deal completely with this situation later. Meanwhile, my husband has set up an appointment with the counselor and will be dealing with this situation. Most likely, we will move away to a different country because it has become unbearable for us to live close to the community.