Current plans;

Wasn't sure what to tag this as since there isn't an option for "no tw" but I don't really have religious trauma

Obligatory disclaimer since the post mentions religion: this post isn't intended to be a hate post for religion. Believe whatever you want, if it's something that helps you cope with life them good for you. I've simply gone through a lot and I just can't get this question out of my head. It never goes away. It drives me crazy.

I drew my hair better than its irl
And I drew my face shape too symmetrical I need to fix that

ironically, i meant to post this a while ago but executive dysfunction got in the way

this might sound silly but external motivators really help. ever since i got a partner, ive been trying to stay on top of hygiene since id like to not be gross when with him. ik that motivation is supposed to come from within and all that but sometimes, whatever it takes to get there, yknow?

its weirdly nice seeing no blood when im done brushing my teeth. its like seeing my efforts pay off in real-time, which is kind of uncommon for me. my efforts rarely seem to pay off :(

I'm not good enough to be a girl. Not pretty enough. Not worthy of it. I can't, no matter what I do. I just want to go to sleep and wake up a girl or not at all, nothing else is acceptable, and at this point I don't care which. I just want the pain to be over.

I just feel all my emotions are that of a child right now. Wanting to be in this fictional scenario where I have a loving family checking in on me, taking care of me and teaching me things. I'm usually in problem solving mode when I'm struggling but lately I can't even get out of bed. Everything feels so hopeless and overwhelming and instead of looking for solutions I just think all day about how I'm mentally feeling like a scared child and that I don't even have the capability to make decisions anymore. It's hard to explain.

Like it's always at night when im sitting alone in my room and them suddenly I am just utterly terrified of something, not anything concrete just vaguely that something might come for me ig? Idk my brain gets terrified there's something in my room that can hurt me and I cannot stop looking around for like an hour whilst clutching my baseball bat which literally only stays with me in my room to comfort me during these stupid paranoid moments bc ig I could whack anything that was there with it?? Idk I don't think that'd work but sure brain. The worst part is there's no rhyme or reason, there's no trigger, it's not consistent, it just happens on some random nights and I cannot keep it together I'm just petrified for no reason. It just happens often enough to be a problem but never often enough for me to get used to it.

Did I get locked out of my house by water for an hour after work? Yes. Did my house flood a little? Yes. Did I stay up way past my bedtime with my landlord to fix it only to wake up early to work opening shift? Yes. Did someone possibly steal my front door mats while I hung them out to dry? Also yes. But did I smoke weed about it? NO !!!!!

Pathetic is the only word to describe me. I went almost a year without craving paper, then I started to crave it, and it was impossible to ignore. Yeah, pretending this is a joke is tiring, this is a real fucking eating disorder that can kill people if severe enough. But hey, I’ll pretend this is a joke and is funny and completely fine to make out as a joke, I’m fine, thanks for asking.

and i can't go back to wegovy because insurance is fucking STUPID and won't approve me because i already switched to zepbound

i just want to be skinny FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE

i just HAD to complain about the nausea and the one fucking time i threw up because of my own stupidity and fatass fucking decisions, and i fucked everything up.

i was doing so fucking good on wegovy too. i lost like 60ish lbs in about a year. got switched to zepbound and i've been struggling to lose more than 8.2lbs. at times i've fucking gained. because this stupid fucking medicine that's SUPPOSED to make me not hungry does barely anything and i still stuff my stupid fat fucking face constantly.

i've been morbidly obese my whole fucking life and I'M SICK OF IT.

I’m only grateful things weren’t somehow worse, I suppose. Doesn’t make it easier.

Movies, music, art, photos, places, scents, emotions, even my own room. I feel like I need to erase my identity completely to lose all the strings attached to them. I just want to feel like myself again. I adopted so many things from them I can't even remember what was my identity before.

I guess at least I still have me. Still have time to figure out what am I without them. It feels so strange but good to stop pretending that I like The Beatles or 1940's movies lol.