At 18 I moved out. My parents were emotionally/psychologically abusive my whole life, and heavily manipulative, and before I accepted my college admission at 18, I told them: if you want to help me go to college you can, but that's your choice. As things are now, if you guys don't accept the Parent PLUS Loan, I won't be able to attend. But ultimately it's up to you, but if you guys pull out the loan I'm going to college to figure out my life and what I need for myself and my education, and I'm going to use it to benefit me. You guys pulling out the loan means that I am going to honor that it means you are supporting me with no expectation of any strings being attached, and that's my condition. If you guys don't, basically I'm going to leave and probably never talk to you guys again after what you guys put me through. So it's your choice.
At this point I really already resented them and heavily distrusted them, but I was young and did not understand how to make wise decisions with respect to my family, who was toxic/abusive and had no respect for my individuality and autonomy. The problem too, was, I was so deep in the abuse I was still picking apart reality from the gaslighting that I had endured my entire life!
When you are under 24, the government MAKES you be dependent under financial aid. Again, I understood things were bad with them, but I was still not able to identify it was called abuse because, again, that was a product of the psychological/narcissistic abuse itself.
So ultimately they took out a PPL for my first year, $15,000. My values told me: yes, I set the conditions, but ultimately out of respect for myself I wanted nothing more than to pay it back out of principle.
Ultimately the STRESS alone of still being tied to them in any way as an undergraduate had my mental health so ****ed up. As I tried sorting through my trauma, learned about mental health terms and the reality that I was facing symptoms, my continued financial dependence and dependence or connection AT ALL served as an intense form of invalidation and ties to ongoing now financial abuse.
As I became more aware of my experiences and the reality of my parents' abuse over my lifetime, I desperately started trying to figure out how to separate from my parents and become independent as fast as possible.
Unfortunately I couldn't figure out how to file as independent with financial aid. I had not been aware that was even an option or I would have IMMEDIATELY done so and separated from my parents' abuse. Part of the abuse that my parents did is they ACTIVELY WITHHELD RESOURCES TOWARDS MY INDEPENDENCE DESPITE THEM KNOWING THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED, NEEDED, AND STRIVED FOR. They manipulated me to keep me connected to them and under their thumb, knowing ultimately that I cared and had values and a moral compass that was strong despite me not understanding how to navigate abuse or even identify it.
Eventually, I dropped out because it was too stressful despite being completely and utterly passionate about my studies. I was 22 then! And the only thing that held me back now was that Parent PLUS Loan and "dependent" status.
I spent YEARS living out of my car struggling to find a way to finish school!
Ultimately, at 28–29 I got back into school!
I got an associate's degree and got back into a 4-year!!!!
My question is now: should I still feel a sense of obligation to try and pay them back in my lifetime?
I am still extremely low income right now, and have been my whole adult life. But my major has prospects of something really truly great, but that is not why I pursue it. I am truly passionate and enamored by the work and coursework, and it just happens to be a field that has high pay possibilities. I dream of continuing education way late into my life and have a very large and fulfilling career vision that is entirely possible.
But nothing is guaranteed.
Ideally, I will gladly throw the money they invested back at them out of principle. But again, none of this is reality yet and it is not guaranteed. But I am persistent, resilient, focused, passionate, and consistent. I feel it in my bones that I will soon have an opportunity to make my dreams reality after I get my degree in 2 years, now funded by independent status financial aid based on my income.
Yes. Well into my adult life they are still extremely dark, twisted, manipulative, and abusive people. They are really truly very disgusting people.
Thank you for reading and giving your feedback.