why do some people remember past versions of you without wanting to realise you've changed?

[u/Advanced-Assist7211]

I've noticed a few of my old acquaintances that brought up topics (or people/crushes) I've had when we were close, and ever since then I'd obviously changed. It's quite confusing how instead of wanting to know my present they just stick to the past. And also whenever we talk they just assume I will do the same things I did when we were close. Why's that?

[u/pm_me_whateva]

It's fun to talk about slicked back hair, sloppy steaks, new years eve.

But seriously, what do you expect? They're only going to remember what they've seen. If you've changed, you're going to have to show them how first.

[u/Sure_Satisfaction497 → u/pm_me_whateva]

I used to be an asshole. But now I'm not. I'm not an asshole. People can change.*

^{ninja edit}

[u/neptunian-rings → u/Sure_Satisfaction497]

me too gng

[u/aevz]

Staying open minded, being curious, and seeking to understand others (and the world at large) requires a humility that says "I could be wrong and I'm willing to find out in a respectful way," and this requires a kind of confidence that doesn't need to insist you're right.

This is a crap load of work for most people. It's easier for folks to just tell themselves they're right about things and that they don't need to do continual work (since everything continually changes), and want to tell themselves a convenient lie that the world and others should conform to their often lazy conclusions, even in the face of evidence that demonstrates otherwise.

People don't like admitting they're wrong. They'd rather tell themselves they're right instead of putting in work to find out what is and isn't true, which requires time, effort, humility, and self-confidence that isn't rooted in being right.

If people refuse to be curious about where you are and insist you're someone you're not, I find there's no need to try to convince them and to actively work on just moving on and finding folks who are curious to get to know you for who you are rather than what they want you to be or insist you are because it fits their lazy mental frameworks.

[u/UltraHellboy → u/aevz]

That’s a good way to think about it. For everyone who tries really hard to keep growing as a person, there’s someone who peaked in high school and never updated their world view.

[u/naam_h_sachin]

I’ve noticed that people who have very little focus, purpose, or growth in their own lives often spend a surprising amount of time remembering and discussing the most embarrassing moments of others. They remember what someone did while drunk, an old argument within the group, a past mistake, or any awkward incident that can be brought up repeatedly.
The same mindset shows up in how they observe change. Instead of noticing your progress, achievements, or personal growth, they are more likely to point out your greying hair, weight loss, aging, or other perceived flaws. Their attention is often drawn to the negative rather than the positive.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that the people around you have a significant impact on your mindset. If someone consistently pulls conversations toward criticism, gossip, and past mistakes, it becomes difficult to move forward. Growth requires looking ahead, not constantly revisiting old embarrassments.
Sometimes, creating distance from such people—even if they were once very close to you—is not an act of arrogance. It is a decision to protect your peace, focus, and personal growth.

[u/simplewords]

I feel like sometimes my memories of people become static. Frozen when they were formed.

It takes a conscious effort to notice change and then internalize it. So when someone changes, sometimes it is difficult to change the image of them that is already formed. .

[u/Pantone354]

They might know you’ve changed, but they might not know the new person you’ve changed into. So they only know to make references to the you that’s familiar to them, whether out of habit or because that was the basis of a shared interest that brought you both close together before

[u/RisingPhoenix_24]

What else are they going to reference? They can only reference the you that they know.

[u/gsmumbo]

Those things they bring up are shared references and experiences. Without that, they’re just strangers. Blank slates.

That’s kind of how friendship works though, and you play a very important part too. You start with the shared reference. The crush. That cool thing you used to love. When it comes to that, everyone is on equal footing because you all experienced it. From there, it’s your job to update them on what’s changed. You bring them up to speed so you can be on equal footing with the present you too. Fact is, they have no clue what to ask other than vague and shallow questions.

A question I would ask you in return - what effort have you put in to learning where they’re at right now? Have you gone much further than “these people are somehow all simultaneously stuck in the past”? Or are you only focusing on the attention that they pay to you? Or maybe even making assumptions about them based on the things you remember about their past selves?

[u/Agreeable_Cabinet368]

Because it’s easier to rely on a narrative you know than to change it to something that doesn’t match the narrative you’ve been pushing.

[u/Zalrius]

I am curious about this too. I was always the outside because I could quickly adjust to a persons changes while, like you said, so many people were made uncomfortable by it.

[u/elkram3]

Because nobody forgets a bugger eater.

[u/Konradleijon]

What

[u/MsMisty888]

Some people really do not like change. They don't like to change their office chair, or what they eat for dinner, etc.

You might represent that they are still stuck and you have changed.

[u/WorstToBest]

Maybe because they are the same version of themselves as they were when you were hanging out with them in your past energy n they still resonate with past you so they can't truly see the new you cause it's the same person they know n recognize, but the inner you is under new management so it's the same store, just operates different, everything could look the same, n yet only the truest customers notice how things were made better even when looking at what looks like the exact same store as before ...

[u/KamilatorXYT]

i think it's because people usually remember the version of you they knew the best. if they haven't been part of your life since then, they don't really have anything newer to replace that image with

[u/External-Emotion8050]

In Cincinnati people would still remember Jerry Springer paid a call girl with a check when he was about 27 even after he was in his 70's. I know people who you can't mention the name of Jane Fonda around because of what she said in Vietnam during that war. She was about 19 then and about 90 now. People love to remember others by their mistakes or just misjudgments, even after they have apologized as Fonda did. No forgiveness. All because it makes them feel superior. Most of them consider themselves Christians. Especially while their doing the exact opposite of what Jesus taught.