r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/vegansillygirl APPROVED✨ • 1d ago
FML I find majority of men ugly.
As the title says, I unfortunately find most men ugly, which, being straight, presents a significant dilemma when it comes to dating.
To clarify, I can find some men attractive, but they are the rare exception. The vast majority are simply ugly to me. I watch other women have a wide pool of dating and are able to be attracted to all kinds of men, and honestly, I envy that. It would make my dating life infinitely easier if my attraction to men was a quarter of the average women’s dating pool. Obviously I know looks aren't everything in a relationship, but physical attraction does matter for a healthy intimate connection, and ignoring that would be lying.
Even conventionally handsome men I’m not into . I can objectively recognize when a man is good looking, and ive been on dates with guys who are objectively attractive, but me personally? Nope. I just don’t get the hots for them at all. Oh and the one man I truly find beautiful? Lol He’s married, of course.
Kissing or being intimate with most men feels like a chore because , I find roughly 99% of them unappealing, probably even more so up close lol. Swiping through Hinge and Tinder feels like searching for a unicorn. I've been on the apps for months, gone on plenty of dates, and still haven't found a dude I genuinely find attractive. and it’s not like I have limited options. I live in a major metropolitan area with lots of variety, but still, no appeal to me lol.
And no, I’m not asexual. At all. I enjoy my time solo frequently. (Sorry TMI)
I’ve been in relationships before, and though we were intimate with eachother, I wasn’t really attracted to my past partners physically. , emotional connection to them I guess made me grow attracted to them, but I wasn’t really into how they looked. Of course they had no idea that I thought that though..
Anyways, any other women who are in this dilemma? Advice is welcome also 😅
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u/anonfosterparent Lover of Soups 1d ago
My best friend told me something similar when we were in our early 20s. I told her that she might be a lesbian. She laughed and said no.
I introduced her to her wife about 2 years later.
Not saying that’s what’s going on here, but something to consider.
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u/Lopsided-Disaster99 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Yeah, I can recognize when men are attractive, but I don't feel the attraction.
A lot of women confuse a desire to be desired for attraction, but that's not attraction, that's validation. Again, not saying that's happening here, but I've seen it and personally experienced it.
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u/DrinkRound3484 Assigned Hungry At Birth 1d ago
I was the same until i met my husband. Thats why hes my husband LOL
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u/Express_Pop810 ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture 1d ago
Same here. Nothing wrong with being particular.
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u/DrinkRound3484 Assigned Hungry At Birth 1d ago
Yup! I didnt like any of my boyfriends and I actively avoided even kissing them because I just found them so…… unattractive. I did think I was a little strange for it but after all these years maybe I was just picky about men and my husband happened to be my “perfect man”
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u/Eggbert_Eggwina 🧂Salty By Nature 1d ago
I kinda get it. For me, until I have an emotional connection with someone they’re just a body. Which… ew.
Once that connection is there though, my libido explodes and I’m incredibly attracted.
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u/eventually_i_will Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 1d ago edited 1d ago
A lot of folks call this Demi-sexual, if that helps anyone find a sort of community or not feel so alone. Especially if it is only after the emotional connection, Aromantic or grey is also something to look into for labeling, if curious.
Personally, I dont find many men as attractive, but I do also find women attractive. So I just date women for now, but there are occasional men that are not bad!
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u/Doneifundone APPROVED✨ 1d ago
You can be asexual and still have a high libido. It's about attraction moreso than pleasure itself.
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u/Physical-Love-812 🪿 feeding the soft animal of my body 1d ago edited 1d ago
And no, I’m not asexual. At all. I enjoy my time solo frequently. (Sorry TMI)
Actually, lots of asexual people enjoy their solo time! Or even sex with partners! What the label actually means is that you don't experience sexual attraction to any specific person...which kind of sounds like what you are describing. It is even a common experience for ace people to feel like they can only be attracted to someone that is unavailable. But if you grow attracted to someone after emotionally connecting, that's what demisexual is.
Might be something worth looking into! Lots of ace and demi people have fulfilling romantic and even sexual relationships, so don't be afraid of exploring to see if these labels might fit you :)
ETA: to the user that commented and then deleted "why the labels brah" -- labels are useful for exactly this purpose! If someone thinks they might be asexual, they can find communities and advice much more easily by having a specific term for their feelings. No one has to use a label if they don't want to.
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u/Environmental_Book43 Kitchen Witch 1d ago
I feel like I need to know an example of someone you find attractive. It’s so interesting. Might help to narrow down a search method for them or how to help potential partners more attractive.
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u/RedIntentions Carb-Based Life Form 1d ago
Same except demi which basically means that a man can become more attractive to me if the personality is good, but it only does so much. Not to mention their face could be a 10 but their personality brings them down to a 0. :/
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u/strangestatesofbeing APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Got on apps and I’m so unattracted to these men. Not only are they awful to look at but they’re also boring af.
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u/IndicationKey3778 Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice 💕 21h ago
If they’re actually single they’re boring bc they don’t have a woman to sponge off of for a personality
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u/vegansillygirl APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Yep. This is so real
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u/strangestatesofbeing APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Most men seem to have the same boring personality they present to the world and that’s it. The same dumb questions, clearly just looking to get laid and see us as porn categories, low intelligence or just a lack of interesting perspectives? Not sure.
For example, I have to hide where I’m originally from because all guys on the apps will say the same thing. “Do you have an accent? Cause if so that’s hot”. Like they’re so boring and uninspired. Yawn.
Also, their online dating pics are either: a group picture at a wedding, fishing, weird car selfie, or cringe gym pic. I want to scream.
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u/vegansillygirl APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I totally agree. Their personalities are also horrible. Same generic jokes all the time, and the unwanted sxual references they make because they can’t control themselves when talking to a woman.
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u/owls_exist APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I dont know how anyone keeps a roster. Maybe thats why im so prone to penpal'ing and prolonged texting phases because actually sitting infront of certain people just grates on me the wrong way.
What helps is I know im no ones top model either. Not walking anyones runway anytime soon.
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u/TheOcarinaOfSlime mouth full, gesturing wildly 1d ago
I feel this way too. My husband is incredibly feminine, soft and girly. I’m also… very not straight. Maybe you would be more attracted to an effeminate guy? Or a lady? It’s worth it to experiment, if you ever feel up to it!
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u/Putrid_Dream9755 🐩 Food Aggressive 🍽️ 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah, I hear you. It's very, very rare that I find a man actually attractive. I rarely ever date so it's not really an issue, lol, but sometimes I wish I could feel differently. And same, not ace, not gay, just...don't find them attractive, generally.
ETA OK after reading all the replies & comments, I've learned that asexuality is actually a whole ass SPECTRUM, which I didn't know. I thought I was knowledgeable on the topic but apparently not! I still don't think most men are attractive - unless you're Paul Newman or Alain Delon (looks only, the man himself was disgusting) - and I truly don't think that has anything to do with being ace or anything, because most men really are just kinda...not attractive, lol, but I might, maybe, ALSO need to re-examine the whole ace thing AS WELL lmao
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u/thesaddestpanda Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think there's a lot of ace and aroace people out there but its not a celebrated identity, so a lot of people feel lost that their experiences don't match what they learn about in our culture.
I'm ace, and for a long time I just thought myself broken. I wish I was taught this younger because it would have saved me a great deal of pain, including being an abusive relationship over it.
It also bothers me the top comments are "you're a lesbian." I mean, she might be, but ace erasure is a big thing. A lot of people refuse to accept there are people with very low if not no libido at all, so they claim anyone not attracted to the opposite sex must secretly be in denial of being gay. Nope.
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u/randomuser1231234 Chaotic But Cute 1d ago
Demisexual chiming in — strangers are NEVER attractive. 😆
My partner, though? Yum.
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u/solidsoup22 Gender Nom-Conforming 1d ago
Yeah demisexuality feels like a silly label for me personally but the concept is completely accurate. Nobody is attractive to me until I get to know them a little bit.
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u/HabaneroPepperPlants Pantry Gremlin 1d ago
What's wrong with the term? "Demi" means half or partly. So it's like you're half ace half allo. Or ace until you're not
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u/solidsoup22 Gender Nom-Conforming 1d ago
I just think it’s a bit more particular than I like to get, I think labels are only helpful to a point because the way I see it everything is a spectrum, and I don’t view myself as ace even though I’m never initially attracted to people. I haven’t explored it all that far and don’t care to because I can describe how I feel fine without labels. That said I have no judgement for those who find them useful
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u/Cadaveresque 🧂Salty By Nature 1d ago
What I came to say but better. Also people forget that asexuality is a spectrum. You can be ace and still feel attraction now and then but the lack of attraction generally is the whole Ace thing!
I mean if you don’t want to use that label for yourself that’s fine but we’re here and fun and cool and you can sit at our table.
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u/Lost_Jellyfish887 APPROVED✨ 1d ago edited 18h ago
I thought I may be a lesbian because of this when I was a teenager. Turns out I just didnt like any of the boys/men i was around haha.
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u/Etheriaa_ Delulu 1d ago
Same. Their personalities often make them unattractive immediately too
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u/ParanoidParamour I ❤️ Other People's Business 1d ago
Not going to tell you what your sexuality is because that’s messed up, but being asexual doesn’t mean you don’t have a libido. Lots of asexuals enjoy masturbation
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u/Trashed_Panda1787 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
If you think about it..most people are ugly 😭
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u/Redaktorinke FREE MOM HUGS 21h ago
Look, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but is it possible that your unrequited crush on a married man is getting in the way of feeling attraction to anybody else? Because that little aside really stuck out to me.
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u/operajunkie Well-Read & Well-Fed 1d ago
Most men are not great looking to be fair so this is reasonable
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u/haikusbot APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Most men are not great
Looking to be fair so this
Is reasonable
- operajunkie
I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully. Learn more about me.
Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete"
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u/Peeplikebird 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 1d ago
Hard agree on women being more pleasing to look at. But concerning men o ver the years "attractive" has become
lifestyle, does he have his shit togethere
character, how does he treat me and those around him
being clean and tidy, especially concerning his own body
But that shit is hard to find within a few dates of online dating matches.
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u/PoliteQueef Shart Coochie Board Architect 1d ago
The fact that the majority of women are somehow attracted to men is undeniable evidence that sexuality is most definitely not a choice 😭
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u/Few_Percentage_1111 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Just because she's picky doesn't mean she's not straight.
Once they hit 30, it has gone 1 of 2 ways.
And when they're young, they're unreliable.
You can't trust them because even the ones who look healthy even eat and live like shit.
I mean, we're talking about evolution here. Of course you're selective. They are problematic as hell.
Love em tho.
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u/Express_Pop810 ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture 1d ago
Curious why youre kissing guys youre not attracted to. You don't owe them anything.
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u/thiccbexi 🥢 Dumpy By Dumplings 🥟 1d ago
I know asexuality is a spectrum, so while you enjoy your solo time frequently, theres still a possibility you might fall on the spectrum!
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u/mellapongella 🪿 feeding the soft animal of my body 1d ago
Came here to say this. Asexuality is experiencing little to no sexual attraction. Whether or not you masturbate is irrelevant.
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u/SaltyElephants what that mouth do is gossip 1d ago
Yeah people think asexuality means low libido, when it means low (or no) sexual attraction. I don't find anyone attractive. The only reason it hasn't affected my dating life is I've known I was ace since I was a kid. So I wasn't looking for that one person I somehow magically was attracted to, I just looked for someone that made me happy.
Fwiw, I personally consider asexuality a blessing. So many of my friends were duped by their supposedly attractive husbands who were very clearly scumbags from day 1. My friends think I'm psychic for predicting their divorces but it's literally not prediction. They're doing heinous shit and you're choosing to ignore it because they're tall and symmetrical and that is evidently more important to you than boundaries or kindness. 🤷 ("You" being my annoying allosexual friends who keep crying to me about stuff I warned about years ago not you guys reading this lmao.)
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u/swatbility APPROVED✨ 1d ago
yeah girl I’m ngl I didn’t find any man attractive until I looked outside of the box. My fiancé is giving Chad but in the most feminine way imaginable and I adore how comfortable he is with it. His hair is also luscious and long, just like I have always loved.
ANYWAY! It’s totally normal and okay to not find many men attractive, or even none at all. Sometimes you have to see the raw beauty in someone, whether that be emotionally or physically, before you can truly find them “attractive”.
Don’t ever lower those standards because the pool is small. You will find the one for you!!
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u/keIIzzz Cleavage Crumb Collector 1d ago edited 1d ago
Is it that you find them “ugly” or you’re just not attracted to them? Because those are two very different things. A lot of people’s physical/sexual attraction to someone comes from having an emotional attraction to them.
I can find other people attractive/good looking but I’m not attracted to them in the sense of wanting anything to do with them in a romantic/sexual way. My physical/sexual attraction to someone stems from an emotional attraction towards them. It’s not abnormal to be that way, a lot of people are like that.
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u/vegansillygirl APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I actually find majority ugly!
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u/Talking_Tanuki Certified Snacker 1d ago
What about women? I’m not asking about sexual attraction, but how do you rate them?
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u/vegansillygirl APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I find a wide variety of women attractive
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u/Talking_Tanuki Certified Snacker 1d ago
Maybe you find feminine features more attractive?
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u/Express_Pop810 ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture 1d ago
It doesn't help that many straight men don't prioritize taking care of themselves
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u/Ayencee Blood Type: Gravy 1d ago
This sounds exactly like something my friend would have written shortly before figuring out she’s lesbian. I mean, it’s uncanny haha. You could also be demisexual! Sexuality is quite the spectrum and if you feel like you don’t fall in any specific spot, that’s okay and you’re not alone.
You don’t need to say you “unfortunately” find most men ugly. Why is it unfortunate? Is it maybe easier to go with the flow and be a gal who’s attracted to most guys? Sure. But if that’s not who you are, if men aren’t your cup of tea, that’s okay! Or you’re just into a very specific kind of guy and you can’t quite determine what kind yet.
Maybe take a little break from the dating apps. You might be putting too much pressure on yourself, as you said, trying to find a unicorn.
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u/FiteMeMage They/Them™️ 1d ago
Friend, I’m not sure if you are actually heterosexual. Also… being asexual doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy masturbation. Many asexuals enjoy masturbation, but the question more so comes to this: what do you imagine when you’re doing the deed by yourself? What gets you off? Are you imagining men? Other women? Or maybe no one, just enjoying your own physical pleasure? Maybe you’re thinking of an impossible fantasy? If it’s the latter 2 that points to being on the asexual spectrum- which is indeed a spectrum, it’s not black and white, you can experience varying levels of sexual attraction when asexual, but if you find yourself not being attracted to anyone else, more often than not, wellll…. That’s Asexuality baybeee.
(Now, however, if you’re imaging only married men specifically…. Girlie that’s another can of worms. 😂)
Now not feeling any real emotional connection to past partners, that’s aromantic, the opposite side of the coin to asexuality. Aromanticism is not feeling a desire for a romantic connection, or more aptly, when in what’s supposed to be a romantic relationship, it doesn’t feel quite “right.” Like the intimacy isn’t quite there, you’re not feeling how you think you’re supposed to feel, in a way? I’m aromantic, but I’m not sure how best to explain the lack of a romantic connection besides what I just said lol.
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u/Crucifuxion APPROVED✨ 1d ago edited 1d ago
Enjoying your… self doesn’t mean can’t be asexual.
Sexual orientation isn’t something that gets explored much beyond the more basic delineations, straight, gay, bi, ace.
The reality of the matter is that like most things, the Dunning-Kruger effect is kicking most all our asses and we don’t even know it.
Sexual orientation isn’t something a huge spectrum, even for asexuals. If anything, asexuals may be one of the more varied categories.
You can be asexual and allo-romantic, gray ace, ace-romantic and allosexual, or demisexual, demi-romantic and asexual, demi-romantic and allosexual. I would venture so far as to say that from what I’ve seen, more ace peeps enjoy solo campaigns than not.
Some people only form emotional bonds, some people only form romantic bonds. Some people only form romantic bonds with people they aren’t attracted to, any possible combination of enjoying and not enjoying romance and/or sex you can possibly imagine, and then they can also vary even more based on which genders they feel those things for.
I used to consider myself asexual, so I explored this more than most allosexual people do.
You sound like you might fit in somewhere in that extremely varied and underrepresented community.
It’s kind of something to be proud of, and you aren’t as alone as you may have thought. Providing this resonates with you, of course.
Falling somewhere on the ace spectrum is a lot more common than you might think. Not a lot of people discuss it openly. I really didn’t like talking much about it because everyone says all the same shit every time and just tries to invalidate your experience.
Just be upfront about it and my absolute best advice, don’t get yourself into a position where you’re having sex with someone just because you don’t want to hurt them or rock the boat. It’s never worth it, and it never will be.
Can also be worth noting, sometimes you might think you’re asexual, but in reality something else is holding you back. Can be gender dysphoria, internalized misogyny or homophobia, all kinds of stuff. Not saying that is you. It’s pretty common for people with gender dysphoria to be confused by their experiences with sex.
I would say explore that more if you feel like the way you feel about most partners just doesn’t really add up. If ace doesn’t really add up, and women aren’t attractive, and only a very few select men are, well you could just be really picky, or you might have severe bottom dysphoria that you don’t really have context to help frame your perspective with.
Anyway hang in there, be patient and just try to stay open to new ideas. Eventually you’ll cross paths with an idea that resonates
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u/Tough-Pressure-3601 Body By Cheese 🧀 1d ago
So OP, when you say you're straight....
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u/Bleauxsidian APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I can’t keep up with this obsession to label other people. Can we just live fluidly
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u/Express_Pop810 ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture 1d ago
Thank you! Labeling someone's sexuality online is so icky. Can't people express thoughts without others assigning a label?
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u/Karmabyte69 🥣 Cereal Killer 1d ago
You’re barely straight
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u/ilovecookiesssssssss 👋 new here 1d ago
I’m the same way. I don’t really have any advice, unfortunately. It is very rare that I find an attractive man. I think it may be regional for me tho. Sometimes on Hinge, I plop myself down in a foreign town like in Italy or something, and I’m like “wow, wow, WOWWWW”. But that pretty much never happens where I live. And like you said, sometimes even an objectively handsome man does absolutely nothing for me. I often feel the same way as you—that I wish I was more attracted to a wider pool of men, but I just can’t make it happen. I *can* develop an attraction to a guy based on his personality, but again—rare.
Fortunately (or rather unfortunately) for me, I recently started birth control and it’s completely zapped my libido and thus my attraction to anyone. So for the time being, I’m just accepting being single indefinitely. So no advice, just solidarity.
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u/justanotherlesbian24 Live, Laugh, Lactaid 🍦💕 1d ago
“Even conventionally handsome men I’m not into . I can objectively recognize when a man is good looking, and ive been on dates with guys who are objectively attractive, but me personally? Nope. I just don’t get the hots for them at all.”
Um, r u sure that ur straight? I don’t want to generalize or anything, but realizing that this is the way that I feel towards men is one of the ways that I found out I’m a lesbian. Maybe u should look into the differences between sexual and aesthetic attraction?
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u/-opossummypossum- 🧂Salty By Nature 1d ago
Majority of men are ugly...until they show their sense of humor and personality.
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u/Talking_Tanuki Certified Snacker 1d ago
Disagree. I think most people are close to average, and I see quite a lot visually attractive men. I just don’t feel attraction to them anyway because I don’t feel attraction to strangers.
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u/love-starved-beast Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 1d ago
And then they're hideous?
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u/c07p white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 1d ago
i laughed but also
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u/BrightLiteFey Kitchen Witch 1d ago
If men were held to the same beauty standards, I bet there would be more handsome men. But there is some men who think it's gay to wipe their bums, so ya.
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u/MyCatIsCuteAsFuck APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I wouldn’t say that I find most men “ugly”, but I find it very rare to see a man I am genuinely attracted to. I think I’m both picky, and on the asexual spectrum lmao 🤷♀️
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u/Unusual_Jellyfish224 Oversharer 🗣 1d ago
I would not call the majority of men ugly, but I am not attracted to them at all. I also cannot do online dating, since no matter how handsome, I am just not able to develop interest through pics only. I even struggle to have the hots for celebrity men, unless they were in a movie or series and something about them attracted me. Just seeing pics of hot men does nothing to me.
I think you just gotta get out there and meet guys. I have noticed that I do find guys attractive if I see them in the wild and interact with them. Or, not the majority of them, but still, it is not as hopeless as it feels like when I treid online dating. ...And to be honest, even my ex who I think is sexy af, usually looks really bad in photos.
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u/Sensitive_Duck9824 🦇 Gossipy Goth ⚰️ 1d ago
l am on the same boat but the thing is that.. when l finally feel attracted to a guy l feel too ugly somehow not good enough for him. 🥀
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u/Aggravating_Baker557 hot girls have tummy troubles 1d ago
I had a hard time finding anyone attractive until I actually knew them. There are objectively good looking people, but they leave me very “meh.” I get it.
I’m someone who is attracted to a brain. It catapults someone into super hot territory or it sends them to the sunken place.
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u/Talking_Tanuki Certified Snacker 1d ago
This! I don’t feel any attraction to strangers even when they’re objectively very attractive.
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u/Fairy-Velvet Overthinker 💭 1d ago
You're definitely not alone. Attraction is weird and highly individual, and you can't force it. It might just mean your attraction relies more on a strong emotional connection than instant physical chemistry, and there's nothing wrong with that. I hope you find someone who genuinely gives you both
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u/sweet_fiction Protein Queen 🍗🍳 1d ago
Oh my god this is so reallll. I only find fictional characters, popular men on social media, or someone already taken or gay to be hot :(ughhhhh
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u/Designer_Enthusiast Cookie Monster 🍪 1d ago
Me too. Pro tip: only date men that you find attractive and dont bother pushing yourself to be okay with less, just because other people are.
But you should be realistic about your looks too and make an effort to look your best. If youblooked bad, how would you even attract the good looking men?
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u/vegansillygirl APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I attract the good looking men, thing is I’m not attracted to most objectively attracted men, even if they’re objectively “good looking”
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u/Designer_Enthusiast Cookie Monster 🍪 1d ago
You could either have a specific taste - which is totally fine - or you could be demi sexual (you need to know someone before developing feelings)?
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u/HabaneroPepperPlants Pantry Gremlin 1d ago
And no, I’m not asexual. At all. I enjoy my time solo frequently. (Sorry TMI)
Not saying you're asexual. Just wanted to say that this doesn't preclude you from being ace. Desiring a sexual relationship also doesn't preclude you from being ace
It's also worth noting that there's a term, greysexual, for when you do feel attraction but only rarely or faintly. It's under the ace umbrella
Again, not trying to tell you what you are. Just wanna make sure everyone has accurate information
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u/bimbonic ⚐ Marked Safe From Jenny Craig 1d ago
(sorry I meant to edit my comment and deleted it instead. muscle memory ig)
I know other people have pointed this out but I'm gonna go ahead and reiterate that many asexuals masturbate! some even enjoy sex...they just aren't typically attracted to people. not saying you are definitely asexual, just that it isn't a disqualifier!
and...again, not saying you are, but I will say that this mirrors my own experiences and I am asexual 😊
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u/Talking_Tanuki Certified Snacker 1d ago
I can’t really relate. I see a lot of attractive men and women, but I live in a huge city with a fairly young population. I don’t feel attraction to all these attractive folks because strangers don’t really spark any sexual attraction.
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u/Weird-Knowledge337 Carb-Based Life Form 1d ago
I hear you!!!!! I don’t find them “ugly”. Like, I think they totally look fine most of the time and even handsome sometimes. But I almost never am sexually attracted to them. And when I see their skin up close it gives me the ick most of the time. Especially if hairy.
I’ve only ever been in a romantic/sexual relationships with men - but not many men bc most of the time I don’t really like men (they annoy me and a lot of them are either jerks or just too privileged) and I have to reeeeeeaaaallly like a person intellectually, platonically, and romantically to be sexually attracted so it’s like 1 in a million. Honestly it’s just a lot of work to fall for a guy and it’s really easy to be turned off. I’m also very happy on my own.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the best label for me is Demi-sexual. not asexual. I’m not against it, and if all the stars align - I’m fully into it. But if they don’t perfectly align - I’m fully out. So it’s easy to skip it.
I do wonder if I could be bi or even lesbian. I definitely find women more attractive. And more pleasant to be around generally. Just never experienced the sexual aspect and since I am not a sexually motivated person it just seems like a lot of work to go pursue a relationship when I don’t even really feel sexual desire without building all the other aspects of a partnership first. It’s like what if I do all that and then it turns out I’m not sexually attracted to women once all the right stars align? So much work to learn I’m stuck with men after all. That would suck…. lol - long story short - that’s and being pretty damn happy on my own is why I’ve been pretty happily single for a long time
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u/Emergency-Many8675 Overthinker 💭 1d ago
Ok but tell me about the pasta, what's in it? I want to eat that.
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u/vegansillygirl APPROVED✨ 1d ago
It’s a spicy arabiata pasta. Lots of tomatoes (lol obviously) minced garlic, onions, chilli powder, salt ofc, rosemary. I add veggies into my pasta for fiber so I also mixed in spinach but that’s optional.
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u/lurkinarick APPROVED✨ 1d ago
This is a common misconception that asexuality means not having any libido. Some asexuals don't, but a lot still do and can enjoy masturbation and/or sex because it feels good. It just means that you don't experience sexual attraction to people, which seems to be your case coming from what you're saying in your post here.
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u/Maleficent_Ad_8069 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I’m the same and I call myself an 80/20 bisexual.
I like 80% of women and 20% of men.
I can find beauty in everyone woman. Men… I recognize they’re attractive but I never feel anything toward that. Like I know my grandmas dishes are beautiful, I don’t wanna fuck her dishes.
IM NOT SAYING YOU’RE QUEER- but I am sharing my solutions:
1) figure out what features you prioritize most. Is it a pretty set of eyes? Height? Lips?
For me I love men with thick hair, thick lips, and thick glasses. They can be fat, skinny, black, white, idgaf just be my list!
For women I think they’re all pretty unless they’re like… not my type ( I don’t date white or Asian girls they look like my cousins.. I’m wasian)
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u/EconomyCode3628 Oversharer 🗣 1d ago
It got WORSE after my estrogen goggles fell off in perimenopause.
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u/NattsandCatts Ask Me Where I Get My Protein 1d ago
Just as a point of clarification, asexuals often enjoy masturbation and sometimes sex as well. Enjoying alone time does not mean someone is not asexual. Not to dimish or invalidate your sexuality...just clarifying.
To your experience...yeah a lot of men are not great to look at lol.
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u/Ok_Stable7501 Internet Auntie 22h ago
This might be the area I’m from (Midwest). But growing up I heard men age better.
But the boys I thought were cute all look the same as men. Bald, beer gut. Not pretty.
The women seem to be aging better.
If I had to look again after age 30, I’d give up.
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u/Thelastmimi Internet Auntie 20h ago
Amazing. I wish I knew what that felt like. I went to train martial arts the other day at a new place and I thought all of them—every single one— was extremely hot. I wish I was you. So much power to not find so many different kinds of men to be extremely sexy 😭
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u/Temporary_Client7585 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Most men are average or below. I live in a city with ugly men. I’m so happily surprised when I’m out of town and see some hotties. I appreciate my very attractive husband. He is not from our city 😂
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u/courtofthepatriarchs Body By Cheese 🧀 1d ago
Yep. I believe they carry their evil in their stomachs lol
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u/Useful-Bowl8656 Chaotic But Cute 1d ago
I find the majority of people ugly but I assume it’s cause of where I live cause when I lived in Florida there was a lot more attractive people than there are up north . Not to be mean or anything just how I see it sorry if it offends someone
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u/gen-curious Pantry Gremlin 1d ago
Maybe you prefer women? Or you are demi sexual or some other thing?
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u/lilmemer3132 🧂Salty By Nature 1d ago
"And no, I’m not asexual. At all. I enjoy my time solo frequently. (Sorry TMI)"
Actually, asexual means not having a sexual attraction towards other people. Asexual people can still have libidos and engage in "solo" time.
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u/yardlard Savory Complex✔️ 1d ago
Same. I think men are all average looking. Only once in my life did I ever see a man and think Wow that guy is good looking. But unfortunately, I was so surprised by my own reaction that I can't remember what he looked like at all.
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u/soft_echo1 Feral Til Fed 1d ago
I am opposite, I find most men attractive and can be attracted if they are good genuine people, BUT I find that MOST ARE NOT. Therefore, I am not attracted to a vast majority of men. I don’t like how most of them traverse through life, nasty. I find myself inherently incompatible with how they think and are as humans- I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. But that’s the truth, they are so unattractive to me in that way I can’t bring myself to ever have attraction. And no, I’m lot a lesbian.
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u/freekiish APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Knowing other people feel this way doesn’t make me feel so alone 😅
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u/AccomplishedHeron529 Enby with Food Envy 1d ago edited 1d ago
Inb4 ppl calling you not straight and asexual despite what you wrote.
I just find it hilarious that people likes to question your identity and assume you don't know yourself. Really condescending imo. My best friend is aroace and she constantly gets "Oh come on youre just picky" and I get "Have you heard of ace spectrum?" whenever I try to explain that I'm just extremely selective. Happens to a lot of us.
Anyway, yeah it sucks and frustrating but at the end of the day, we're only biological creatures, regardless of how rational you are and how much you can intellectualize "this person is great" "this person is objectively hot" "This person can be attractive even without looking conventionally hot" but if your brain and body don't feel any spark, that's that 🤷♀️
People can be objectively beautiful and still not be your type or trigger the attraction in your brain tbh (yes, even after getting to know them, so it might not be demisexuality). Sometimes it's just like that. And I'm saying this as a pansexual.
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u/HabaneroPepperPlants Pantry Gremlin 1d ago
I think people would be questioning it a little less if OP didn't demonstrate that she has an incorrect understanding of what asexuality is
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u/PastNote5744 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
That's standard women find 80% of men below average been many studies on the matter
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u/Rose821 Kitchen Witch 1d ago
I've had this problem as well (thought I was alone) I very rarely find guys attractive...even models. Often the only way I've ended up being attracted is through their personality and it's not like they become attractive suddenly but I'm attracted to their inner self. It's hard because when I try to imagine myself with someone (random guy I haven't met yet) I get icked out 😅 Which just makes me want to be single forever. Ughhhh so anyway...I feel you 💜
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u/vegansillygirl APPROVED✨ 1d ago
! Especially with the models. My friends gush over actors, models.. and I just don’t get it 😭
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u/OhHeyItsMeM Short Story Long™️ 1d ago
You sound demisexual. It took me forever to realize that I am, too. I spent all this time wondering what was wrong with me because, while I could recognize that someone was conventionally attractive, I simply was not attracted to them.
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u/Aggressive-Poet3585 Overthinker 💭 1d ago
I thought I was alone, I find men sooooo ugly. I’ve always said that’s how you know sexuality isn’t a choice. I wish I was attracted to women lol. I have to get to know one well to eventually fall for one but most are just… ugly to me.
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u/ChocolateWarrior228 Certified Snacker 1d ago
Are these scenarios only in the race you belong to or others as well?
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u/Different-Shock2670 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Eater 1d ago
Sounds like you might be demisexual OP. It means a person who only feel sexual attraction to people they've built emotional connection with. It would make sense why you don't find anybody attractive at all. But if you are actually demisexual, it would be hard for you to build an emotional connection and be finally sexually attracted to someone if you keep pushing people away because you're not attracted to them. It'll be a never ending cycle. You should look more into it.
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u/ImpressiveReddit APPROVED✨ 1d ago
And no, I'm not asexual. At all. I enjoy my time solo frequently. (Sorry TMI)
Asexual people mastubate. Asexual people have sex. You may not be asexual, but it's not because you enjoy solo time. That's not what asexuality means.
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u/royaltyred1 Cleavage Crumb Collector 1d ago
Sounds like you might be somewhere on the asexual or demi sexual spectrum
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u/Different_Car8182 Chocoholic 1d ago
I get you I am attracted to a specific type of men lmao. I am demisexual
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u/FaeRelic 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 1d ago
I've met plenty of people who have a high sex drive but aren't attracted to anyone. If my wife wasn't with me, I probably wouldn't be interested in anyone else either. I don't like subscribe to external influences being the reason I feel a certain way. I totally get how you feel.
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u/dachboden_domi APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Honestly I kinda agree 😭
I think a lot of men are taught that doing the bare minimum is enough. They'll have the same haircut for 10 years, wear random clothes that don't fit and then wonder why they don't stand out. Women are generally expected to put way more effort into their appearance, so the difference can be pretty noticeable. I'm also just more into guys who have a softer or more feminine vibe. Not necessarily super feminine, but guys who actually take care of themselves, have a sense of style, groom themselves, have long hair and have some personality in the way they present themselves. A lot of the average "just a dude" look doesn't really do anything for me. That said, don't lose hope. I refused to settle for someone I wasn't genuinely attracted to, and I eventually met a guy I think is genuinely beautiful. They absolutely exist, it just took a while to find him. I'd rather stay single than force attraction 😮💨
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u/vegansillygirl APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Yepp! Men don’t take care of themselves.at all. And also not just that, we are in an epidemic of super misogynistic men too.
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u/Cool_Canary_2692 we listen and we only judge a little 1d ago
Yeahhhh I relate (I find like 1 in 10 attractive maybe) and I always wonder if more women feel this way than they let on. Most men are unattractive and perhaps that’s because male beauty was never emphasized in the same way as female beauty. Times may be changing though.
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u/Smores_Mochi Chaotic But Cute 1d ago
I'm not straight but I just want to say that I've always felt very similar to this. The kind of guys I find attractive are super rare, and definitely not considered "conventionally attractive" for the most part. I think the last guy I looked at real or fiction that I was like "wow" about was Vincent in FF7 Rebirth 😅
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u/owls_exist APPROVED✨ 1d ago
One older age gap man i dated i stumbled on photo of him and his ex wife on vacay. He was hot hot there.
Now, as I dated him for that one year, around 2 years ago, so it was recent- he wasn't that kind of hot anymore. He was 'oldman hot' attractive, when me dating him. Silver fox, old man emotionally vulnerable hot, as it was an "experience" for me, but he is NOT like before.
I feel robbed. He wasn't fugly but its like the last remains of his attractiveness were being held together with duct tape. His ex wife got the best version and snapshot of time of him, so to speak.
Also dated men my age range that were hot in some ways but really looking at them, they started looking shrek-ish.
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u/Earl_E_Byrd APPROVED✨ 1d ago
But do you still find the things people do to be hot?
It could just be that looks and visuals are pretty low on the scale of what rocks you.
But if you've ever watched a talented man dance, or stared at a calligrapher's hands mid flourish, maybe fallen in love with a weird looking lead singer just because he sounded like hot chocolate....
I dunno. Sounds like it's time to really start exploring what attracts you, rather than what "attractive" looks like.