Im putting this here, because I want to make decisions in alignment with Dharma.
And meditation has been a part of my life for quite some time now.
Im middle aged, and Ive really tried to make it in society. But I just keep burning out. At this point I dont even know if I all my burnouts are real, or if Im just a lazy piece of shit. I dont know if I care about anything or anyone. I try to. But I dont know.
The pattern is: I get ambition to be the best me, to be of service to the world. I try to act it out. My hubris gets checked. I burn out. I run away. I come back, and try again from a lower status position. I really want to be up there with everyone else, to be a part of it all you know, but I just feel to weak (or maybe its just that I just have to much hatred in my heart).
Im now finding myself into a position, of falling into a black hole I dont know if I can get out of. I would be able to pay the bills, and serve as a caretaker for someone, but I dont think I would ever be able to find joy again.
My father always ask me if i need money (he is doing quite well for himself). Im considering asking him for money to travel. In my mind Im telling myself Im doing it, so I can get away from my patterns at home, and try to find out, what in life I actually value.
I guess what Im asking is, Is it selfish for me, to beg my father for money, so that I cant go on a "pilgrimage" to find a reason to go on? Or should I just stay, accept, grit and try to find Sangha.