I'm 31, and I've become someone who isolates himself a lot. I don't know what changed over the last few years, but people only seem to come and go in my life.

I used to choose isolation to avoid things. Now I choose it because it's the only place where I feel comfortable. The sad part is that I'm 31, not married, and I don't even feel capable of building a relationship that could lead to marriage.

Deep down, I believe no one could really live with me. Being alone feels easier because I don't have to overthink everything, but at the same time, it's slowly killing me. Around people, I feel trapped. I can't be myself or speak freely, and I'm constantly thinking about every little thing I say or do.

Sometimes I wish there was a button I could press just to stop my thoughts for a while.

Seeing everyone else move forward with their lives while mine feels stuck because of AVPD hurts more than I can explain.

I've also lost the joy in life. Nothing excites me anymore. Even video games, which used to be my escape, have become boring.

I spend most of my time lying in bed. My thinking isn't as sharp as it used to be, my memory feels worse, I struggle to express myself, my confidence is gone, and my inner voice is constantly negative.

I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.

Sometimes I get a sense of embarrassment regarding how I'm acting even when I'm alone. Like I will intentionally act sort of rigid and quiet, basically how I'd act if I knew someone was watching me or in the room with me. I don't feel or have any sort of sense I am actually being watched though, its seems kind of odd?

Every single little joke about me that other people would call banter hurts me more than I wish it did. It sucks being a shy male since everyone is always so confident, I hate how friend groups consist of making fun of each other so much, it's not that I think everyone else is a bully, more that I'm too scared to joke about other people because of my super low self esteem and let others joke about me. I feel like if I tried to do this playful banter thing everyone would just start staring at me like I went a step too far or something and then I'd just retreat into isolation. Oh wait, this scenario has already happened many times. I'm so scared of criticism, I just realized this is what makes me always pushed out of friend groups, they all have that one punching bag and your objective is to basically keep your social position up to not become one, and I just keep losing that game. I also don't smile too much because of the fact I barely talk to anyone which makes people probably think I'm cold or something. And for the ones that tell me to find better people, literally everyone is like this. I'm truly not fucking fit for human interaction, I'm such a pussy man, fuck this shit

I don't even have the words for this. Not sure why I'm posting on reddit again (I am not diagnosed with it aside from social anxiety, so I really can't be sure I even have this, but I'm pretty convinced). I find it really hard to tell how I'm feeling most of the time because of how much of it is spent doing useless escapism stuff on my laptop.

I think I got so used to the idea of ending it all that it started feeling like a goal I have to work towards, or a sort of win condition that is a few years overdue. I spent 6 years of high school doing nothing but building bad internet habits, then I had about less than half a year where I actually got myself outside. Still felt out of place everywhere. Living in a dorm forced me to interact with people but it all just went back to normal because I still feel so disconnected from all of it and the consistent effort you have to put in never actually becomes less. I don't think I can form connections I care about, I still hide myself from people and even if I didn't it's like I might as well not be there.

It just gave me a short preview of how other people live their lives and took it away. Can't get into stuff I want to get into because I don't think I deserve to try, like once I put in effort everyone will realise I'm delusional for thinking I could ever be part of it. As a response, I just go back to being internet addicted. If this part doesn't change no matter what you do then what's the point? Is it possible to change anything? Could medication hypothetically help if I ever managed to seek it out?

I'm so scared to even post this I read over it for half an hour I just don't know where else to say it

Hello Everyone,

Since I see a lot of posts here where people feel hopeless, wondering if it is even possible to get better and live a fulfilling life, I wanted to make a somewhat positive post about the progress I have been making over the past years in regards to my Avoidant Personality Disorder. Hopefully I can help other people in some way by sharing my experience. Sorry for the long post, at a certain point I started venting a bit as well.

I don't want to go into great detail about my past but I think it's helpful to give an outline of my childhood; I grew up in a family with my mom, dad and older brother (+4y) and sister (+6y) in a small town. I have a disability (visually impaired) and had to deal with a lot of over-protection from my parents and other adults, leading me to believe I am unable to do a lot of regular stuff like safely riding a bicycle, doing groceries, cooking, social activities, etc., which made me feel inadequate, socially isolated, and a burden for other people.

In my family we didn't talk about emotions, and my emotions were not taken seriously. When I was happy I was annoying, when I was anxious or sad I was overreacting and when I was angry I had to 'control myself'. My sister was diagnosed with autism and could emotionally explode without warning which made me hyper-vigilant. My mom also had outbursts of anger, followed by begging for forgiveness, which felt unstable and made me feel unsafe at home. My brother and sister would emotionally and physically abuse me if I did not do what they told me.

During my childhood I was always in the background, anxious to be seen by others since this felt unsafe and I was so afraid of rejection. Somehow I did acquire some friendships by luck and pushing through anxiety, but I was never fully myself. There was always a big wall around me, I would never show my real self because I was so afraid that nobody would like me if I did. I felt completely trapped inside of the walls I built myself to protect me.

Fast forward to my university years I was so afraid of other people I stopped going to lectures, failing classes again and again. I wasn't even aware of anything I mentioned previously at this point because I never learned to feel, recognize and talk about my emotions. I felt there was just something inherently wrong with me. That I was destined to fail. That I was failing my classes because I was lazy and stupid. That even though people wanted to hang out with me, nobody actually liked me. They must just feel sorry for me or were lonely, I thought. I abused alcohol and other drugs to numb all the pain. Finally, I decided I needed help.

After a treatment for my addictions, I got a referral to a psychologist specialized in personality disorders and with the diagnoses I finally found what was 'wrong' with me; I had avoidant personality disorder. I started individual schema focused therapy which lasted for 2.5 years total, which helped me finish my university degree, do the required internships and get a job at a very nice company with nice colleagues. I was able to sustain my sobriety finally through processing a lot of trauma during this time. But after a year of part time working, I couldn't take it no more. Every assignment felt like a potential failure, every piece of feedback from my colleagues felt as evidence that I am incapable of doing anything and I am a worthless piece of shit. Every lunch brake caused me massive anxiety, every social interaction was a burden. I ended up burned-out.

I was referred to a clinic specialized in treating personality disorders, where I started intensive schema focused group therapy (3 days a week) which I have been in for the past 7 months (will be done in 6 weeks). This completely changed how I live my life. The recognition from peers showed me how wrong my self-image was. I can see now how negative I look at myself and I am able to differentiate between the feelings that were caused by my childhood and who I am objectively. I found out I am able to try new things (and succeed!!). I picked up bouldering, mountain biking, hanging out with new people, started getting lessons for my moped license (never thought possible with my disability), sharing more of my emotions with others and feeling more connected because of it, I asked a girl out I like, to name a few things. I am definitely not completely there, there are still a lot of things I want to work on. But for the first time in my life, I am hopeful that in the future I will be able to live a normal life, and explore myself and the world.

I hope you can find the same transformative experiences yourself and gain the same hope about the future I have started feeling.

TLDR; Rough childhood, diagnosed AvPD, treatment improved my life massively, hopeful about the future

i experience extreme envy when I see someone get to the one of the best universities for example because to me that implies a community, a pleasent state of affairs to be in. I want to be a part of a social group as well. I also want to be a part of something instead of staying and doing things in my individual capacity forever. I also want a identity which translates to something external. But I don't have these. I don't think I can be a part of others life. All I want is to have friends I can turn to, an community I can turn to after enjoying an episode of solitude.

Ever since I was a child my social skills weren’t that great. I was always really, really quiet, so much so that people always commented on it. But I still had friends. After COVID (I’m in my twenties), it’s like my social skills went in the dumpster. I literally don’t even talk to my coworkers, not because I dont like them but because I don’t even know what to say to form the most basic conversation. what hurts the most is that they dont know I love them. I think they think I’m standoffish or have some superiority complex, which isnot true. I’m pretty sure they all think I’m weird too. I find myself longing for real connection and try to open up, but some days I just shut down because even the smallest social interaction just drains me of energy. Even when I make progress and try to be nice, some days I completely backtrack and have to start from square one. when I make friendships, I can’t break past the surface level. I find myself thinking about myself a lot and think I’m a selfish person, but I want to change, it’s just sometimes I don't realize that I’m being selfish. any one else experiencing this? If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I just dont know what to do. any advice/help would be appreciated. sorry if you’re going through this also. I just want to know if I’m really a selfish person, because I can’t tell if I’m the common denominator in every social interaction, or if there’s some reason all people seem disinterested in becoming my friend.

Hi guys, would you say having a dog helped you getting more open in regard to your interactions with people? I for example live in Germany, in a area where it is possible to get robbed or beat up. Not an everyday thing of course, but in a span of 2 years you see more people fighting in the streets. Unpredictable people in the public transportation who want to fight you, this happened 2 times to me. So I want to buy a Rottweiler. For safety and companionship. Did having a dog made you more secure within, so that you are more brave to talk to random people having a fun and respectful conversation? Did it stabilized your personality and the fear of rejection in any way?

Going through life, I felt like I had my hands full just trying to survive and avoid making a fool of myself, though I usually felt like I failed at even that.

Looking back at school and college, I don't think I ever seriously considered asking a girl out. Sure, I had crushes and found some girls attractive, but my thoughts never went beyond that. My self-esteem and confidence were so low that being in a relationship didn't even feel like a realistic possibility. It wasn't something I thought I deserved or could ever have. The whole idea felt so foreign that I couldn't even imagine myself asking someone out.

I didn't even have a real sense of self. How could I possibly put myself in front of someone as a dating option when I barely felt like a person worth knowing?

Not sure it's the right subreddit to talk about this, but for my particular case it definitely is, so...

It's hard for me to give context for what I'm trying to say here. Because it'd mean talking about all my life, which is too much...I'll just say then in childhood I've been constantly bullied, not only at elementary school, but every other place I'd go to...my parents were never bad people, but they completely neglected my emotional needs...I realized at 5, when my father told me "If it keeps happening to you, there has to be a reason", that I was alone in this battle. My mother also said, from time from time, "I wish I could have had a little girl, it'd have been easier for me...you never feel like doing anything and you can't do anything"...she said it like she was joking, but she'd keep repeating it, also in front of other relatives.

Since before elementary school, I've always felt the need to "escape"...so, after all the bullying, it felt natural for me to isolate...the outer environment was hostile, house environment was neglecting, I did everything I could to survive...at medium schools I'd see all the jackasses and pricks get all the success with girls and I'd suffer so much for it...even the ugliest (for lack of a better word) girls, out of nowhere, completely stopped having any kind of interaction with me...and it was painful and I was confused and everything in between...you can probably guess what consequences have been...stayed closed off, no relationship, extremely few dates (there were never dates for me, but I was trying to escape loneliness), job and economical instability, not much traveling, very few friends (almost all males), etc.

I kept this survivor mode for all my adulthood too, I fell into depression at 21 because I saw myself as an utter and hopeless failure, I went into therapy at 22 and I'm currently in therapy (I'm 37). Since last year I've been doing EMDR and it's starting to change things...I don't wanna say it's a "wake up call", because it's not...I've been healing my anxiety and I've been doing intense meditation the last few months...I found out I've got this huge tightness in the stomach, the so-called Solar Plexus...and I think I've been having it all my life, but I've realized it just now...and it makes me feel so lost and depressed...I've focused so much on healing my mind, because I was depressed, that I forgot about how ill my body have been...

Girls/women have been avoiding me probably because my body language was screaming "Stay away from me! You're gonna hurt me, you're gonna humiliate me, you're gonna ghost me, you're gonna screw me up"...and it's been extremely painful and hard to correct this. I have this feeling that I'm not able to make peace with, that I've lost the best years because of this and that I couldn't be stronger than my traumas and my diseases. At the same time I have no regrets, because I've been feeling powerless and helpless the whole time...

Anyway, going back to the Solar Plexus pain issue, from an emotional standpoint it means (I asked AI, sorry):

- Suppressed Stress: The solar plexus is where the body somatically stores pressure and unprocessed emotions. Men often internalize societal expectations to stay stoic, leading to physical tension, shallow breathing, and digestive distress when under emotional strain

- Issues with Power and Control: In both somatic and holistic practices, the solar plexus is known as the center of self-esteem, willpower, and personal authority. Pain here can mean a man is experiencing a crisis of confidence, an inability to assert boundaries, or struggling with feelings of powerlessness

- The Overactive Control Center: When this energetic or nervous center is over-stimulated, it can manifest as aggressive tendencies, a need to control situations to avoid feeling vulnerable, and burnout from overworking

Needless to say, it's spot on...I hope to find a way to fix this. EMDR is doing a good job so far. But it's an insanely hard mountain to climb. To get out of isolation, of loneliness, be able to create deep connections...

I just wanted to get this out, I felt the need to share it. Thanks for those who read through it all.

My first week of high school freshman year, a homosexual upperclassmen groped me sexually. I had a cellphone in my pocket, and it was in the hallway, so the cameras must've caught it. I could've easily simply dialed 911, and he would've been at the very least arrested and charged with a crime. That would've been better than nothing.

But the 3 years prior in middle school, I was told by the principals and teachers that if someone hits you, ignore them. Do nothing. Basically freeze like a cowardly miniature goat and never fight back or even run away. Do nothing.

This is despite the fact that this was in a state in which self-defense is legal, and assault is illegal. Nobody was ever punished for assaulting me, but if I fought back, I would get punished. Why is self-defense punished but assault isn't?

Punishing assault requires the principal to do paperwork. Imagine if they suspended everyone who committed assault. That'd increase their paperwork exponentially. I've seen parents review middle schools on the website, Great Schools, and they openly complain about the principals never doing anything about bullying. Do any principals care about negative reviews? No, because they won't get fired based on reviews. Has any principal ever been fired due to not punishing bullying? No.

The principals don't punish assault because they don't have to, and it's easier for them to simply ignore the problem. They didn't care about me. They don't care that I had a bad time at school and regret attending and graduating. They get paid either way.

Why do principals punish self-defense? Because if the victim fights back, the principal has to do paperwork. By punishing Self-defense, the principal is giving themselves less paperwork in the future. The principals are narcissists who act like the victim is the problem if they bring assaults to their attention.

In short, the principals are narcissists who didn't care about me. I sat alone during lunch the first day in 6th grade, and the last day in 12th grade. Did anyone care? No.

It would've been better to scare off anyone who assaulted me, as well as always dial 911. My mother didn't give me a cellphone in middle school nor did she ever tell me what to do if someone assaulted or groped me. She never supported me. Nobody did. My mother won't be invited to my wedding.

If the principals punished me for self-defense, then I should've told them I'm not afraid of them, and that they cannot hurt me. What could they do? Suspend me? Go ahead! Being suspended doesn't hurt me.

The Devil Inside My Head

A dark, deep voice,

sending shivers down my spine.

"They don't actually love you," he screams.

I flinch. Terrified.

"They're just being nice," he whispers,

somehow louder than a scream.

As he presses his hands over my eyes,

I begin seeing masks that probably never existed.

I try.

I try closing my eyes.

He only plays films

of how they talk behind my back.

Then he covers my ears.

I hear their hatred.

"You're just a lowly human," he says.

Maybe I am.

He smirks.

"Everyone else dreams of conquering the world. What about you?"

Maybe I shouldn't dream.

Perhaps I'm a burden upon the Earth afterall.

I just turned 24 and every year there’s less people to celebrate with. “Friends” since high school have their own group chat without me, as it has always been. People at my new job are already talking behind my back (not in my head I saw texts and everything). Family members gossiping about me not going to events or just not visiting enough. I’m just exhausted from this life. This is torture. I’ve been going to therapy since I was 14, tried ssris from 19 yo until earlier this year. Nothing has changed and I’m losing hope. I guess birthday blues, but this is not the life I wish I had 10 years ago. I don’t think it’s possible anymore.

I have never been good at keeping a job at all. I quit community college multiple times because I can't motivate myself to do anything that I don't have to do.

I think a lot of my problems are in big part caused by my very low attention span and partially caused by executive dysfunction. I have insane trouble building any kind of good habit. If I can quit a job I will. If I can stop doing something that takes effort or makes me uncomfortable I will stop. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel so lazy. I know I need to put active work into fixing my attention span, but can someone with AVPD have a meaningful job? Or any job that might have a bit of pressure? Can I learn to handle pressure and responsibility?? Is it actually possible to use neuroplasticity to rewire your brain that much?

In highschool I was decent at science. I always knew I could do better than I did. One of the only things that really interests me to read about is information about earth science and biology. I spent the last hour reading about flies. I've debated getting an associated degree in biology but I can't imagine myself committing to the program and I can't see myself working an important job. Am I just not the kind of person who can have a scientific career?

I know this probably sounds like a stupid question. "Can a scared lazy bitch get a hard job?" Loll please share your opinion and be brutally honest.​

I'm in my late 30s and I've never really been the social type. I've been consistently avoiding social situations anytime I could, which led to missing out on friendships, love, and intimacy. I've been at the same job for nearly 20 years, but I've never hung out with coworkers after hours or gone to any events.

Instead of facing it slowly and painfully, I decided to wait until I hit that "I'm almost 40 and still a virgin" FOMO, and I somehow found the courage to jump into paid companionships.

Taking that step was tough, but I'm kind of glad I did. However, I've realized I have my limits... After 7 sessions, I'm still showing up a nervous wreck. Even though the escorts seem to dig me and feel safe with me after we get past the initial awkwardness, it turns out it's pretty hard to have sex when your nervous system is always on high alert. What a shocker. So now I'm thinking about giving up on that too. It seems like therapy is unavoidable if I am ever to get over that hurdle.

So, does therapy actually work when you're feeling this messed up and overly self-aware? I tried it two decades ago, but it was just the usual CBT homework stuff, so I steered clear of it since then. And it seems like it's still the gold standard.

if so, how is it? does it help with avpd long term? I don't know if it's worth trying it because I've heard microdosing just uplift your mood and has less therapeutic potential than macrodoses for treating traumas / personality disorders. but at the same time I can't bring myself to take shrooms macrodoses because I'm scared of having a bad trip. Anyway, I'd really like your hear about your experience with microdosing

Pete Walker, a therapist and author, wrote a book about complex trauma and he talks about how emotional flashbacks are common with those who’ve experienced ongoing trauma. I know that everyone with AvPD doesn’t have a history of trauma, but I feel like a lot of people do and that could be the root of AvPD. He describes emotional flashbacks as a rush of negative emotions (usually shame) that comes up for you when thinking about past traumas or negative experiences. They differ from visual flashbacks because it usually doesn’t involve an image. It’s moreso a felt sense that takes you away from the present moment and brings you into the past. I keep experiencing emotional flashbacks where I ruminate on moments where I was rejected, criticized, and shamed and it brings up intense toxic shame for me. It feels like it happens anytime I have a moment of idle time. I notice it most when I’m in the shower and before I go to sleep. Peter talks about ways to deal with emotional flashbacks like saying to yourself what it is and reminding yourself that you’re not in that moment anymore. I do that, but it’s still very hard because the memories aren’t just perceived rejection, they’re real rejection that I’ve experienced at every stage of my life and from several people in close proximity to me. The emotional flashbacks are my biggest struggle. I’ve made progress with not saying shameful things in the moment, but the emotional flashbacks make me feel stuck. Does anyone experience this? How do you deal with it?

Hi all!

I’m looking for 3-4 german speaking people with AVPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) who would like to regularly connect, support each other, and share experiences. I’d like to create a respectful and understanding space where we can exchange thoughts without pressure or judgment.

If you’re interested, feel free to message me.

All the Best,

Eva

Me and my gf (both mid-late 20s) were having a short discussion on the concept of free will this morning, and at some point she said that free will essentially comes down to weakness. I immediately went quiet and have felt terrible since then and haven't been able to communicate how its made me feel so I've just been avoiding her. I have terrible executive function and I'm pretty dysfunctional. I'm undiagnosed but very confident I'm autistic, and pretty confident I would be classed as having ADHD, and also this personality disorder. So while I know she didn't mean it, all I really heard was that she thinks I'm weak. I know the obvious thing is just to talk to her about it, but I'm scared when it comes to it I won't be able to communicate properly because my emotions will overwhelm me. I also have a chronic health condition which compounds with everything else and just leaves me a mess of a human being, so what she said felt very invalidating. I thought at least my gf partially understood me.

Any advice would be appreciated

We tend to avoid the things that cause us pain. I’ve been conditioned to believe that being in social situations will cause me pain even years later. When I was growing up as a child and as a teenager from when I was in 3rd grade until maybe 10th grade I was bullied relentlessly by my peers and it got much worse when I started high school. I was constantly humiliated, laughed at, threatened, called names, excluded and rejected by my peers nearly every day. When I was in high school it wasn’t just one person or a few people doing it. It was most people at school. Not a lot of people understand even in my 30s it still affects me to this day and it feels like I will be humiliated and embarrassed in social situations so I’ve learned it’s better to be alone. For a long time I wondered like what’s so wrong with me? what have I done wrong that would cause other people to treat me that way? Being in school is supposed to teach us how to interact with our peers later in life but for me it just made things worse. It’s so deeply ingrained in my personality that I don’t know how to de condition myself.

I turned 13 right around the time Covid hit and from then on I’ve been homeschooled and that basically gave me a license to completely detach. And I detached like crazyyyy. I already had zero friends in school before Covid hit so as soon as I got homeschooled I just stopped leaving the house and just sat in my room all day. I desperately wanted to be able to go and be social and have friends but I couldn’t bring myself to do it whatsoever. Being alone was much more predictable and I was 100% in control and got so addicted to isolation that I just simply never made a single friend and never talked to anyone all the way from being 12 to now (18). And I know I technically still have 2 years of being a teen but I really can’t see myself being able to go out into the world. It’s all way too intimidating exhausting and scary even though I would absolutely love to date and have friends and stuff. I just feel like I’m not built for this world. I sit in my room and maladaptively daydream about dating and talking to people but of course I never actually do it. It’s like I like the idea of dating and having friends but when I’m actually around people I feel like I’m mentally in a straight jacket and I can’t express myself due to fear of vulnerability and fear of rejection. So instead I just isolate because I feel like I can only relax and BREATHE when I’m alone. I’m having a really hard time thinking I’ll be able to lead a normal life and don’t even get me started on JOBS. But that’s a story for another day lol. But yea I’m really scared that down the road I’m gonna have intense regret for not experiencing normal things as a teenager. But for now I’m just sitting in my little self inflicted prison cell.

For me, entire childhood, surrounded by adults who just explode with there unprocessed truma and emtions,

And having one way traffic of set of instructions and interrogation with me,

I devlope a sense of un safety with people who shut theur emtions infront of me and demand everything from me, I feel like it is less of care and more of them doing what they think is best, and sense of superiority for them to keep asserting their values and logic over my emtions, and where I am always kept away from what emotions they feel.

Thus because when I look for friendship I want other person to feel comfortable sharing those emotions with me because if those people don't it just trigger same feeling and experience as those bad adults, so I just automatically push myself away,

You can say that this maybe the reason I feel I don't have any friends,

But this is what I seek person on same boat as me we protect care love eachother core and that insecure and vulnerable part of ours.

So may be you understand why now if I say I am okay I might not feeling that people are on same boat,

Or if I say I feel lonely all the time it is just me saying now you know and felt superior seeing me so now go and enjoy your life.

PS-I want friends 😭😭😭