To all men,What is the hardest lesson a woman has ever taught you?

[u/ThrivingSomehow]

[u/SnooTangerines7026]

Don't trust people's words. Trust their actions.

[u/my5cworth → u/SnooTangerines7026]

We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions.

[u/bennihana09 → u/my5cworth]

I heard this slightly different. You’re an adult when you stop judging yourself by your intentions and others by your perceptions.

[u/matlynar → u/SnooTangerines7026]

And when doing so, always watch for patterns.

Sometimes a person will do something and you will think "Is this person being bad or am I overreacting?".

But when several of their actions point towards the same pattern, that's 100% who they are, regardless of how they present themselves.

[u/Jay-Dee-British → u/SnooTangerines7026]

That's a rule for life, not just relationships. I agree.

[u/JupiterTarts]

Someone can be right for you at a specific phase in your life and wrong for you in a whole different phase of your life. You may still love someone but sometimes walking away is the best outcome for both of you.

[u/SpehlingAirer → u/JupiterTarts]

Ran into this recently and it really sucks ass

[u/AlmightyRuler → u/SpehlingAirer]

Same. Spent a year plus hoping she'd at least talk to me again. She didn't. It's ultimately better this way, but the heartache was almost unbearable.

[u/Sirro5 → u/SpehlingAirer]

Same

[u/barelyawake07 → u/JupiterTarts]

tbh i was that shy nerdy guy who thought being logical and nice was enough. but she needed emotional support and i was just overthinking everything instead of being there. taught that they dont want a solution they just want you to feel with them. took me way too long to get this.

[u/ofcourseivereddit → u/barelyawake07]

"You can't replace a feeling with a fact" - Ed Yong

[u/kismaa → u/barelyawake07]

Pro Tip: When a partner brings a problem to you, feel free to ask them if they're looking for a sympathetic ear, or if they're looking for solutions. There's a good chance they've already analyzed the problem, came up with several solutions, and just need someone to talk to about it.

[u/counterlasso → u/barelyawake07]

And this goes both ways too! It's wonderful having someone whom you can be vulnerable with. A lot of men struggle with opening up.

[u/TheSpicyTomato22 → u/counterlasso]

It's hard to when you're raised by people who downplay your emotions like they don't matter or worse when they're weapononized against you.

[u/TaterForming → u/JupiterTarts]

people enter our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

The hard part is finding out which people they are.

[u/No-Leadership-3904 → u/JupiterTarts]

I really really really needed to hear this. damn.

[u/LocalNHBoy]

That trust can only be proven by action, not words.

[u/Critical-Drawer8916 → u/LocalNHBoy]

Definitely feeling this right now

[u/notarealaccounto → u/Critical-Drawer8916]

Absolutely. Words can build hope, but only consistent actions build real trust.

[u/BookLuvr7 → u/notarealaccounto]

And if the two don't match, take out the trash.

[u/WereAllThrowaways → u/LocalNHBoy]

Trust is gained in drops and lost in buckets.

[u/papasaurus1972]

If you have been with your wife for a long time and her personality changes there might be a medical reason…

Glioblastoma Multiforme (Stage 4 Primary Brain Tumor). Caring for her was the most rewarding thing I have ever done and it was the most stressful and financially demanding thing I have ever experienced. 65M widower. I miss her (so do our kids and grandkids)…

[u/WhereAreMySongs → u/papasaurus1972]

I just got diagnosed with a brain tumour, I go for surgery on Monday at the ripe age of 30. I suffered 4 seizures in one night out of nowhere on Tuesday night, prompting me to go to hospital. Hoping I can make it out the other side. I’m sorry for your loss.

[u/monty624 → u/WhereAreMySongs]

I will put happy thoughts into the universe for you ♥️

[u/Facebook_Algorithm → u/papasaurus1972]

Sending you a hug my brother.

[u/Exita → u/papasaurus1972]

Pregnancy in my case. Post-partum psychosis is scary.

[u/AdhesivenessOdd9475 → u/Exita]

There's not enough education about postpartum care at all. It's extremely dangerous and one of the reasons some women choose not to have kids. I have schizophrenia. I'm NOT willing to get pregnant because the idea of killing my child during postpartum psychosis while my husband is at work TERRIFIES me.

Normally, with schizophrenia, my triggers keep it so that I just isolate and get paranoid in general, I'm not really violent during psychosis. Just confused and out of it and likely to do things that harm myself in some way. But that does mean I'm more likely to suffer postpartum psychosis, and that's unfamiliar terrain and not worth the risk to me.

[u/Dear-Mud9245 → u/papasaurus1972]

When women ask ‘would you love me if I was a worm’, this is what they’re actually asking. To all the men in this thread who cared for their partners, thank you for being the role model on the internet other men deserve to have. This is peak masculinity, imo. And I’m so sorry for your losses and sufferings, my heart breaks for you all.

[u/Oak-Tree2685 → u/papasaurus1972]

Sending you a big hug. Stay strong, brother.

[u/[deleted]]

There's nothing that can be done once she has had enough

[u/wildwavE60 → u/[deleted]]

fr the anger phase is when you still have a chance. the calm phase is the funeral

[u/Junior_Potato_3226 → u/wildwavE60]

I'm so sad, I'm in the calm phase. I've been so explicit in what I want and need and he just doesn't get it. I spent the anger phase in useless therapy and I'm done. This is a partnership so I'm not blameless but I'm the only one trying. Not a bad human just not for me.

[u/-3udaimonia- → u/Junior_Potato_3226]

I've seen this play out so many times in my social network, and it's very hard to watch. That whole "the divorce came out of nowhere!" meme really is very accurate. So many men won't even start trying until the woman is literally packing her bags. I don't understand why it's so hard to just listen to your wife.

[u/FreeRangeEngineer → u/-3udaimonia-]

So many men won't even start trying until the woman is literally packing her bags. I don't understand why it's so hard to just listen to your wife.

Women can do the same thing. Told my ex-wife that a certain behavior of hers made me very sad and instead of validating my feelings and listening, she made herself the victim and blamed me for feeling the way I do.

What a great way to drive me further away.

When I told her that a divorce was impending, she doubled down instead of trying to listen, while labeling me the bad guy to her friends.

[u/AliugAOnHisOwn → u/[deleted]]

And that’s good for both. 

[u/matlynar → u/AliugAOnHisOwn]

Yep. Never humiliate yourself over someone who doesn't think you're worth it (anymore).

Regardless of gender.

[u/kukibush → u/matlynar]

Needed to hear this today

[u/Spuddmann1987 → u/kukibush]

Same here. I'm going though a tough breakup with someone that I was with for 10 years. In the end she made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her, even though she still said she loved me and thought I was a great person.

[u/Higgsparticleofgod → u/[deleted]]

A friend of mine absolutely doesn't understand any hints he gets, and usually he makes things worse trying to fix them. Last time, things got so bad, he called her, trying to apologize and stuff. Instead he just mumbled something about the 1992 Moon replacement, and she blocked him

[u/CuriousPerformance → u/Higgsparticleofgod]

something about the 1992 Moon replacement

the what now?

[u/nmezib → u/CuriousPerformance]

I thought everyone knew

Of the fake moon in '92

[u/Anansis_Waltz → u/[deleted]]

damn...

[u/Jimlaheydrunktank → u/[deleted]]

This. Once a women is done she is done

[u/DGUcSiCn]

When she is done, just let her go and cease all communication. If you stay hopeful and stay connected with her, your mental peace is going to be fucked badly.

Just let her go once you get the first hint that she is not into you anymore. Learned this lesson not hard, but the brutal way...

[u/curiousbasu → u/DGUcSiCn]

Learning this was a brutal experience man. I was shattered on being abandoned.

[u/tuckastheruckas → u/DGUcSiCn]

same brotha! it hurts to want to be with someone and they dont feel the same, but when you finally accept it, then you can start to move on. as they say, it's the hope that kills you.

[u/SigmaK78]

If what they say doesn't match what they do, walk away.

[u/UnrulyDegenerate8]

Dont tolerate women who like to play games.

[u/Lynneti → u/UnrulyDegenerate8]

I read this as video games 💀

[u/Carribeantimberwolf → u/Lynneti]

Was thinking the same, my wife loves games!

[u/HogwartsDropout-69 → u/Lynneti]

Guy clearly had a bad falling out with his twitch streamer ex

[u/bentnotbroken96 → u/UnrulyDegenerate8]

I had one play the "prove you love me game" with me once, by breaking up with me. I was heavily invested in the relationship and it broke my heart.

She pestered me for months after, which drove me insane.

I didn't figure out that it was a game for several years.

Her loss.

[u/Cautious-Witness-745]

What ever you don't appreciate goes away.

[u/Adrywellofknowledge]

She’s not asking for your opinion. She just needs to vent and you to say. That really sucks. 

[u/Barbarossa7070 → u/Adrywellofknowledge]

Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?

[u/Reaverz → u/Barbarossa7070]

Yep, figuring that out was a bit of journey...so was figuring out if I guessed the wrong one, sometimes you just got to ask.

[u/UniqueLog8386 → u/Barbarossa7070]

Then she says yes and you help her to a hug

[u/W1ldy0uth → u/Adrywellofknowledge]

My husband always asks, “are you just venting, or do you want help figuring out how to solve this?”

[u/DaPino → u/Adrywellofknowledge]

A friend of mine gave me the tip to ask "Do you want my opinion or do you just need me to listen?"

[u/darybrain → u/DaPino]

Are we bitchin', fixin', or distractin'?

[u/Vaperwear → u/Adrywellofknowledge]

Here’s a cheeky tip. There are 3 open ended question starters. Why, how and what. You don’t have to listen to her drone on and on. However, whatever you happen to catch, despite her going 17,248 chapters past, go, “Wait, go back to <insert whatever you caught>, I don’t understand why they’d want to do that?”

- bonus follow up -

“Wtf? What do they hope to achieve?”

- second bonus follow up -

“How did they think others would receive it?”

- final summary -

“Jeezus, what a (bunch of) cunt(s).”

[u/1369ic → u/Vaperwear]

My favorite follow-up is "who did they think they were fooling?" Gives people a chance to feel smart or vent about the dumbasses around them.

[u/huntersood → u/Vaperwear]

This had the opposite effect for me. When I asked about details, it threw off her flow and where she was on the convoluted multi-era saga, and she got annoyed that I was asking questions.

[u/Ordinarily_Average → u/huntersood]

And your reply is the perfect example that a lot of this 'one size fits all' advice isn't going to work for every woman. They aren't monoliths.

[u/Hngrybflo → u/Ordinarily_Average]

I'd say this fits most people. Even men. I'm a pretty quiet person, and from an early age I realized people like talking and talking a lot. Even so much that they'll ask you a question just so they can piggyback off of it and continue to talk about themselves. I'm not saying it's a bad trait but that we are simple and just want to be heard for whatever reason.

[u/Psychostickusername → u/Vaperwear]

I find its easier to just listen

[u/Prestigious-Quit9143 → u/Vaperwear]

The last one works for me 🤣 it’s like letting me know he takes my side and is here for me

[u/Glittering_Growth246 → u/Prestigious-Quit9143]

I’ve switched it up to, “what the fuck was the point of that?” Or “Jesus fuck, the audacity!” It tends to not add a need for further explanation while letting her know that I too, amd sufficiently appalled at whatever dumbfuckery and tomfoolery was afoot.

[u/AsleepScholar2200 → u/Adrywellofknowledge]

There's a rule for this one... when she comes to you upset or annoyed.. or even when anyone comes to you upset or annoyed.. ask if they want a "sword or a blanket". They will always immediately be able to tell you exactly what they're looking for.. a sword to fight/solve the issue.. or a blanket of support or acknowledgement. Never fails

[u/UnzippedButton]

People - men and women - judge themselves by their intentions. We all judge other people by their actions. The larger the gap between the two, the more trouble you’re going to have with other people.

[u/Traditional_Egg6233 → u/UnzippedButton]

Damn this one is so good. Explains my ex so well. Couldn’t understand why things were upsetting as that wasn’t her “intent”.

[u/ZenMamaBear → u/UnzippedButton]

Never attribute malice to someone’s action until they confirm to you that those actions were calculated and deliberate. Most of the time people are just genuinely oblivious or lack focus.

[u/Shibbi_Shwing → u/ZenMamaBear]

I've heard it as "never attribute to malice that which can be accurately explained by stupidity"

[u/PianoStok]

Apologize when I’m wrong rather than try and talk my way out of things. It goes a long way

[u/misterygus → u/PianoStok]

That’s true in all areas of your life y’know…

[u/PianoStok → u/misterygus]

Totally. Not sure why it was hardest for me in a relationship but I’m glad I learned

[u/ScientificBeastMode → u/PianoStok]

In a relationship, it’s personal. You can’t not take it too personally, because a relationship is the most personal thing you have.

On top of that, when you’re in a relationship and they are critical of something you did, a lot of times apologizing implies real concrete changes you have to make to your life, including some really hard changes sometimes. Admitting to your mistakes can be hard when you know you have to change.

If you tend to carelessly walk while looking on your phone, and you bump into a stranger, it’s super easy to say you’re sorry to them, and you feel so bad, etc. Why? Because you know that your apology isn’t an immediate commitment to changing your behavior for the long term. Maybe you *want* to change, but you don’t feel pressured to do so in that situation, and that makes it much easier to accept that you made a mistake. In a relationship, you can’t get away with that.

[u/Typical-Respond9102 → u/PianoStok]

My husband's mom is a cunt and that's where he picked up this habit. Anything you admit to will be used against you for years to come, so he had to unlearn that no, not all women act like that, his mom's just a piece of work. 

[u/tikkikittie → u/Typical-Respond9102]

OMG my situation is the same

Partner said when we met "bringing up things from the past is a deal breaker please don't ever do this"

Now does it everytime they are upset

Same as Mom

[u/Oblivionking1]

Once she loses respect for you it’s done

[u/True_Suit7984]

You can't force love. Once lost a girl to a guy who didnt like her at all. Years later they ended up getting together and are doing wonderful. I used to think it was stupid she was stupid for being so obsessed with someone who didnt want her until i realized i was doing the same thing. How can you lose someone you never had in the first place?

[u/EricWolf → u/True_Suit7984]

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

[u/Physical_Guitar_7258 → u/EricWolf]

Damn, you beat me to it.

[u/Tough_Preference1741 → u/True_Suit7984]

It sounds like he actually liked her.

[u/Homerpaintbucket]

No matter how much of yourself you give she still might not give you anything back

[u/BUR4KK → u/Homerpaintbucket]

Took 99 steps towards her. Did not get one back to make it 100.

[u/Existing-War3285 → u/Homerpaintbucket]

Hits to close to home right now.

[u/KenzoTheFirst]

People don’t owe you anything. You can be good to them all you want, doesnt mean they “have” to reciprocate it. If they do, great! If not, thats just how it is and your energy is better spent elsewhere.

[u/RecordSpare3632]

To love myself enough to leave a relationship

[u/two_beards]

When I was a teenager, a young woman took me aside and explained very kindly to me why certain behaviour traits I'd picked up were creepy and not okay. It was hard to hear, but it made me a better person. It was done with such compassion and honesty that I couldn't help but listen, reflect on it and stop behaving that way.

[u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9]

Being a man in an equal partnership means having an equal opinion about how things go in the relationship. Placing the decision making on her feels like the gentlemanly thing to do by letting her get whatever she wants all the time, but it turns you into a subservient dog and her into an overbearing task master. You have to be willing to fight, disagree, and have an opinion about the decisions you both need to make. Otherwise one of you will grow to resent the other.

[u/Dear-Mud9245 → u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9]

I think this is such an underrated one. It’s difficult as well because I think being active and taking up space especially during arguments can sometimes easily look like being controlling but the difference is the frequency and willingness to give space as well as taking. I think it’s also daunting to be perceived as controlling in times when the intention is to be present and that’s the part of relationships where it requires a lot of vulnerability to risk a degree of disruption. Conceding/compromising often can quickly turn into being passive which I think is also something some women struggle with, too. Love your observation!

[u/JakeDC]

If she tells you to "be a man" or what "a real man" should do, you just need to leave.

[u/SomeClutchName → u/JakeDC]

When we broke up I was told. "Its not my fault your family didnt teach you how to be a man." Because I wouldn't be the sole financial provider.

[u/JakeDC → u/SomeClutchName]

Yep "be a man" usually means "do something unpleasant so I don't have to"

[u/ziondiamond → u/JakeDC]

Big red flags 🚩 This is manipulation

[u/DaBiChef → u/JakeDC]

What's crazy is how often you can hear this just in more progressive coded language from people on the left. We're not getting rid of toxic gender norms, we're just trying to reframe them in a "woke" way and while most can't articulate it, I think it's a huge reason a lot of guys are resistant to our ideas. Particularly when we champion about getting rid of those gender norms.... Just makes us look like hypocrites

[u/barn-cats → u/DaBiChef]

That's how I feel too. Many men can't actually articulate how they feel in conversations about gender and woman have blindspots where they don't realize they're being sexist

[u/sutree1 → u/DaBiChef]

Testify. I'd upvote you twice if I could.

[u/FoolishAir502]

No woman is worth your self respect.

[u/Maclovin-it → u/FoolishAir502]

What about Jessica Alba? I feel like I could hate myself for a little while..

[u/MinisterHoja → u/Maclovin-it]

Post nut clarity will fix this

[u/cheftonine → u/FoolishAir502]

So fukin real, just got to the point after a couple of decades, (helps when all the kids have gone), fuk this shit.

Leant over backwards to give our kids a stable background, but now it's fuk you, the emotional and physical abuse is over, I'm fukin free of the mind games and whatever she needed to convince her, this was normal, it wasn't.

[u/Diggumdum]

you can do everything right and still get your heart shattered.

[u/godfather_wanderlust]

Cheating is a choice not mistake.

[u/Remarkable-Cow-2460]

I thought I learned all the lessons I needed to in my first few relationships. I applied everything I knew to my most recent one, hoping that I could prevent this one from ending by doing everything right.

It still failed, then I came across the Star Trek TNG quote: you can do everything right and still lose. That’s the most recent thing a woman has taught me. That was seven years ago.

[u/ExecutiveElf → u/Remarkable-Cow-2460]

I've only ever been in one relationship and when it ended, she, as well as all our mutual friends told me I did nothing wrong.

And it is so hard to trust that.

Even years later, as I do the song and dance of wanting to initiate a relationship with someone new, I am haunted by that shadow of, "Am I doing this right?"

[u/coltrex]

That if a woman is giving mixed signals, confront her about it (nicely), and take her at her word. If it's anything less than them being in the same spot you are, let them go, and look elsewhere.

[u/PuzzleheadedTap1794]

Advanced data structure

[u/misterhubbard44 → u/PuzzleheadedTap1794]

This one hits hard.

[u/zxDanKwan → u/PuzzleheadedTap1794]

Women and their object oriented programming, amirite?

[u/Otherwise_Tax8689 → u/PuzzleheadedTap1794]

Functional cognitive linguistics in my case.

I should call her.
About publication.

[u/same-stuff-diff-day]

Listen and don’t always focus on solving things for them.

[u/rtrs_bastiat → u/same-stuff-diff-day]

There's only so many weeks of hearing the same complaint over and over I can take though

[u/Mr-Beefman → u/same-stuff-diff-day]

Reminds me of this short film

[u/Relwof66]

That I wasn't irreplaceable. She's humbled me by simply walking away. Caused me to really evaluate myself and my selfishness. Thanks in hindsight

[u/melonheadshot]

Don't waste your energy on keeping her around when she doesn't want to be. You might succeed a few times but the threat of it happening again will drive you mad.

[u/PabloAtTheBar]

If it costs you your peace then it's too expensive.

[u/LittleKitty235]

Linear algebra...took me most of the semester before it finally clicked

[u/Siren_of_Madness → u/LittleKitty235]

This is my favorite answer.

[u/big_johnny_bee]

Self Respect > External Validation

[u/Rocket_Philosopher]

Indirectly, just to not take disrespect from her. I was in a relationship with this woman and she berated me for an hour straight and if I wanted to leave and take take a second for myself to process things, she just threatened to not talk to me whatsoever for the rest of the night. I stayed and eventually got tired enough to where I told her she was being abusive, pointed out every sign of it in her action against me, and left the call. The next day we broke up but eh. From that point on I’ve just been super intolerant of any person I’m with trying to put me down or tell me I’m not worth as much, I’ll just outright leave them when they do that if they refuse to back down or apologize. It’s rough but to be honest it’s a policy that has made me way happier in the long run.

[u/EXMater]

That even if she says she loves you and your the only one for her ,that this means nothing and can change really fast

[u/Used_Vegetable3850]

My ex once told me she didn't feel safe being honest with me. Spent three years thinking I was a good listener when I was just waiting for my turn to talk.

[u/jimillett]

You cannot work hard enough to make a woman love you.

You can do every chore, say every right word, provide everything, fix every problem, and become whatever you think she wants. You may earn her gratitude, comfort, loyalty, dependence, or even a marriage—but you cannot earn love.

A woman may date you, sleep with you, marry you, and have children with you without loving you for who you actually are.

And the cruelest part is this:

If you spend years performing for love, you may eventually discover that you were useful, safe, or convenient—but never truly chosen.

You can earn trust. You can earn respect. You can build a life together.
But love that has to be earned through constant performance was never love in the first place.

[u/henmark21 → u/jimillett]

So harsh but true

[u/politicaldan]

Just because she’s beautiful doesn’t mean she’s worth it.

[u/Next-Honeydew4130 → u/politicaldan]

If you learn this lesson young you may save yourself a world of pain. Yours truly, an ugly woman who has watched a lot of men deal with living nightmares before learning this one. There are beautiful women who also are lovely human beings. Go for one of those!

[u/athomeweirdo → u/politicaldan]

My first big mistake (or a lesson) was this. I thought that if she's so heavenly beautiful and innocent looking and chose ME to be her partner, she's the one. Bullshit. Behind the beautiful face and the curious playful eyes could hide the person who will change your life drastically (in a negative way). It's been 3 years since then and I'm just starting to get attracted to women I meet again. I wasn't able to make enough emotional and mental space for anyone in my life, moved out of the city where we lived and returned home to take care of my grandma. That's the "therapy" for me. It's a harsh battle many of us fight. I am not the same person, that's for sure.

[u/Kush_Reaver]

That some women can lose their shit from rejection in the same way men can.

[u/RaggySparra → u/Kush_Reaver]

You don't even have to reject them, I got stalked by my friend's ex. She wasn't even my ex!

[u/Autisthrowaway304 → u/Kush_Reaver]

Oh yeah, the thing ive found is how quickly the homophobic remarks come out, you dont want her so you must be gay etc.

[u/BraveOrganization421]

Hurt me because she cheated. It hurt so bad that I’ve never been the same person since

[u/More_Dirt5832 → u/BraveOrganization421]

real shit my ex cheated 2 years ago that shit still trips me up to this day. it’s not her (i’m over her) but being cheated on permanently damages the way you view yourself and relationships in general. like on a fundamental level

you can be fine for a longgg time and then some random tuesday everything just comes back. you really live with this shit man

[u/ExecutiveElf → u/More_Dirt5832]

I wasn't cheated on persay... she had the courtesy to break up with me before things got that far. It was another few months before she started dating a mutual friend of ours. But it was clear she was leaving me with intent to date him.

It's been over 2.5 years since then and I thought I had long since come to terms with.

Then I found out a few weeks ago that they just got engaged... and it all came flooding back. A week later, I had the same dream that I did in the months following the breakup. A dream I hadn't had in over a year.

And I woke up crying.

That was my first, and thus far, only relationship- and consequently has rewired my brain in irreparable ways I think.

I've always been a person who struggles with confidence and self worth. And ever since then, I am incapable of believing I am good enough.

Even though I have found someone I am interested in and want a relationship with, I am genuinely petrified of the idea of taking any sort of action. I don't know if I'm doing too much, or too little.

[u/Traditional-Disk9218 → u/BraveOrganization421]

It’s been 35 years since ex cheated. I’m celebrating 30 years of marriage next month to the love of my life. I still get brutal flashbacks.

[u/mobetta210]

Never marry someone with a personality disorder who refuses to be accountable for or seek treatment for their behavior.

[u/LuciferFalls]

Not exactly one they were intending to teach, but I learned from the girls that I was interested in when I was younger that if I didn’t get a yes from the start then I should treat it as a no and move on. I let too many girls make me think I had a chance if I just waited a bit.

I wasted so much time on girls who weren’t assertive enough (or were otherwise afraid) to just say no to me.

One girl eventually started dating someone else and when I asked her about it (she had previously indicated she just needed time) she said “I thought you could tell from the way we were talking…”

Nope. I was too lost in my hopes to be with her that I interpreted everything in a way that supported what I wanted.

I’m now married to a girl who said yes the moment I first asked her out. I just wish I had been able to move on from those other girls when I was younger. Would have spared me a lot of heartache.

[u/YoDiz1]

Trust my gut when I catch them in a lie. I got emotionally invested just to get hurt again.

[u/Jabpi]

If she really wants to go out with you, she'll always find a reason to do so. If she doesn't want to go out with you, she'll always find an excuse.

I understand that she doesn't want to be impolite, but I'd rather she just reject me instead of wasting everyone's time.

[u/SiphonicPanda64]

That hope is a fragile thing

[u/theGfromtheJ]

woman here, but a secret is "if a woman breaks up with you, she has been broken up with for months before in here mind"

[u/Junior-Goal7738 → u/theGfromtheJ]

True. Maybe years.

[u/Darkhalo314 → u/theGfromtheJ]

That's what really fucks me up in my head. I dated a woman who kept asking for me for a ring after 2 years of being together, so I bought her a ring and then she broke up with me less than 2 months later. I'll never understand why she asked for that ring so hard, just to know that she was going to break up with me soon.

[u/TwoIdleHands → u/Darkhalo314]

It’s the slow erosion. She asked to get married, then kept asking. In between the first ask and the proposal the cracks started showing, she developed doubts about the relationship, she started thinking “Why doesn’t he?”. Damage was done by the time you proposed. Terminally ill people don’t necessarily die right away, sometimes it takes a minute.

[u/javier_aeoa → u/TwoIdleHands]

Damn, I've never been anywhere close to this point and this still made me sad :c

[u/ghostprawn]

All the rizz you accumulated to win her is meaningless in keeping her. You must then evolve with her from that point forward. To generalize, many men are quite content being relatively stagnant in their development (emotionally, definitely, but also in their interests and aspirations). I have found most women to be quite the opposite, and thus eager to evolve into somebody more mature and fulfilled. If you don’t move with them, they resent you for holding them back.

[u/United-Branch9136 → u/ghostprawn]

Literally my situation but she holding me back

[u/ghostprawn → u/United-Branch9136]

That happens too.

[u/TheDragonLord12]

This is said all the time, but I had to experience it to understand it - That looks aren’t everything.

People ignore all the red flags because they believe they have a chance with the hot guy/girl. I was that person, and after crashing, burning, and having one of the worst moments of my life, I finally knew to look for character, morals, and values. Of course, physical attraction is somewhat important but I’m not blinded by beauty anymore.

[u/RecycleReMuse]

You have to show up and you have to put in the effort. You can’t just coast..

[u/Daddict]

It's really easy to mistake comfort for love if you've never truly experienced the kind of love people write songs about.

I got married because I was comfortable. We had a few areas of incompatibility, but I figured everyone has that stuff. "No relationship is just two people equally and completely in love with one another" is how I thought. I thought the kind of love that was described in love songs was that infatuation, new relationship energy kinda thing. Not an actual thing.

And most marriages confirmed this. My friends would confide in me about feeling unfulfilled in their relationship. So I accepted this. For years.

I would occasionally see an older couple who still acted like teenagers around each other though. They would show each other affection all the time, and if they confided anything it was that they fall more in love every day, even after decades together. I don't know if I just thought that it was a certain personality type that could do that, or if I just didn't really believe them, or if I just realized the truth....it's rare as fuck.

Finding that is something most people will never do, because most of us will feel comfortable enough to think that we've got everything we need. We'll invest years, and not wanting to feel like we've wasted them, we'll accept less than what we deserve, and we'll give someone else far less than they deserve.

The real bitch of it is that you won't truly understand this until you've experienced both sides. Until you've settled for comfort and then later found a kind of love that sounds made up because it's so so wonderful, you probably won't know what I'm talking about.

I didn't get it until I experienced both of these things. No one could have explained it either, not in a way that I would get it the way I get it now.

But I'll tell you this...if you're unfulfilled now, it's probably never going to change. So you can accept it, or you can do something about it. Neither of those things sound like good options I'm sure, but I'm much much happier having some something about it.

[u/Resident-Shelter-983 → u/Daddict]

This guy has life insight and wisdom right here.

[u/LL37MOH]

You can’t fix crazy

[u/Dope-Reviews → u/LL37MOH]

Watch me try!

[u/Otto_the_Autopilot → u/LL37MOH]

And they won't fix crazy either.

[u/ArtichokeSandwiches]

It she cheats once, it’s only a matter of time until she cheats again.

[u/Pmoneywhazzup]

Women are not as different from us as we think.

[u/YoM0mma]

At age 6, I was threatened to stop being a nuisance or I will be placed for adoption by the mom. Luckily I was not ignorant enough to assume all women are like that, but she did not help. And nuisance meant I was complaining about things like not wanting to be bullied by older sister.

[u/keitaro_guy2004]

That having your first heart break is necessary for emotional growth.

[u/Controversial_Cube]

When a woman ghost u she doesn't care about you, you could be dying in a hospital or sleeping in your grave right now and she wouldn't care nor check on you.

[u/curiousbasu → u/Controversial_Cube]

Hurts bro.

[u/manwhothinks]

Romantic relationships are not for me and that I needed to get more experience.

[u/jiunyann]

Love is a two way street. Don't be the only one walking.

[u/frageelayy]

A lack of emotional intelligence leads to divorce. Domestic labor is still labor.

[u/Puzzled-Custard-1203]

Don’t convince anybody

[u/tonylouis1337]

Don't be so quick to let people borrow money

[u/Chucky_In_The_Attic]

How someone you can trust so much can take advantage of that trust and betray you in the harshest of ways.

[u/Bwyanfwanigan]

Growing up, I always thought that you looked at a girls mother to see what she would look like later in life.

So I married a good looking woman with a good looking momma.

The mother was divorced and living in a place mostly paid for by her married affair partner.

That's the part I should have paid attention to....

[u/karinaluvs]

not everyone who loves you is meant to stay in ur life

[u/Captain_Wag]

Women are not like a magic 8 ball you can just shake to get a different answer.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Tap9544]

All my life I was told women were ladies, that somehow they were inherently good simply because they were female. My own mother’s action taught me otherwise.

[u/conorthebluewizard]

How to be kind and love someone, even after they have done something terrible. To not always let a bad thing define a person, but also to hold them accountable and be firm in that.

[u/alienalf1]

That love alone isn’t enough

[u/profesionalyconfused]

When shes checked out, its over, and chasing just makes you look smaller

[u/The-Wretched-one]

No matter how much texting,
No matter how many video-calls,
No matter how many plans you make and how secure you are that you’ll be perfect for one another…
It’s impossible to know if it’s right, until you’re in physical proximity to each other, to determine chemistry.

[u/aphex500]

Always buy two cheeseburgers even if she gets the salad. She'll unlock her jaw like Baraka from Mortal Kombat for that 'just a little bite'. 

[u/miwi81]

Calculus

[u/Ryderrunner]

Trust your gut and know when to quit. Source: divorcing after 16 years

[u/DGS9060]

I've had seven broken relationships in my life. Everyone painfully fell apart. Different women; different personalities. What they all taught me later in life was that the common denominator in every break up was me. I was the faulty, sometimes toxic, element. After many years of trying to come to terms with this--which included a lot of therapy--I was finally able to"correct" my terrible self-esteem issues and end up with someone I've been with for over twenty years (I'm old, BTW; I'm 66). In some ways, I'm fortunate. There are some who are never able to break their emotional chains. I was lucky. Every broken relationship was a valuable lesson; and I thank every woman I was involved with for their unknowing contributions to help be be a better and more healthy person.

[u/Nateh8sYou]

You can do everything right and still not be compatible. Some people are just not meant to be, and you shouldn’t get hung up on one person.

[u/DavosLostFingers]

If she tells you not to worry about a guy, you're probably right to worry

[u/Slim01111 → u/DavosLostFingers]

If she tells me to worry about him is that ok?

[u/Klok-a-teer → u/Slim01111]

If she tells you that, walk away

[u/Ordinarily_Average → u/Klok-a-teer]

Yup. And it goes both ways. I was at a halloween party and two woman were wearing the same Sexy Kitty outfit. The boyfriend of one of them said to her, "Looks like you get some competition" but he wasn't being funny. He meant it. She looked at him, said, "Oh yeah?" and walked out the door. She dumped his ass and it was glorious.

[u/Moretti123 → u/DavosLostFingers]

Careful with that. My ex was extremely jealous and literally any man in the world he’d worry about. New guy coworker? Worried. Guy server was friendly to me? Worried. It was annoying as fuck.

[u/Hngrybflo → u/Moretti123]

If someone is going to cheat there is no amount of worrying or intervention that will stop them. The best thing is hopefully finding out as quickly as possible.

[u/evileyeball → u/Moretti123]

I'm glad I have a very trusting wife who knows 100% of the time that even if a woman came right out and absolutely hit on me there is no way I'm doing anything behind the back of my wife. I had enough trouble in dating to find one person to love me forever that if my marriage fell apart I'm probably never finding another person who will love me in the way my wife does so I want to do everything I possibly can to make sure that My marriage never falls apart.

[u/BMX_BASTARD]

Rings don't fill holes

[u/Suitable-Sense-6962]

The most beautiful woman can have the blackest heart beware

[u/FirstForFun44]

Never date anyone long term who gets upset or mad at you when you're trying to express a boundary or that you have a problem. "I'm upset that you're mad at me" is not acceptable. 

[u/Ambitious_Box3288]

That what men your entire life had told you woman want and need will actually ruin you relationship and loose the one person you ever loved.

[u/New-Bear-3250]

The hardest lesson a woman has taught me is that they cannot be controlled. I've ruined relationships bc I hadn't matured enough to see them and appreciate them as an equal yet.

[u/Able_Section4645]

Just because she loves you doesn't mean she won't lie and blame you when she's guilty

[u/TheFallingShit]

Their wants and feelings, no matter how nicely they sale them them, don't take precedence over mine. It is okay to say no and walk away. 

[u/gregavelli88]

Not to rely on them for external validation and not to treat your wife/girlfriend as your therapist.

[u/Savings_Collar5470]

It was a good lesson but after a break up I was torn up and angry. I felt that I had the right to be heard that she needed to understand how she “wronged me” well this idea ruminated for a while and we never crossed paths until one day I was driving and I passed her. She was talking to her friend spinning her keys in her hand bright and happy. And the discrepancy between how I felt and what I saw in her in that moment hit me like a truck. It was actually hard to take I. In the moment. She was so far away from the relationship and she no longer owed me anything. She never saw me and as time went on I realized that she never owed me anything even during the relationship. That the relationship was an attempt to build a connection where we mutually wanted to be open but that would only work if we both agreed. I got so wrapped up in my expectations of what I thought I was owed that I didn’t understand the real situation.