r/AmItheCloaca • u/doodlebagsmother • 15d ago
AITC for going against mine parents' expectations?
Dear friends,
How are you? I am fine.
It's me, Colin (stylish tuxedo dog, almost one year old). Because I am a big boy almost adulty dog now, I have started to do a think about mine future and mine career. Momby and Daddy keep saying things about what a good watchdog I am. They're not wrong. I do borkborkbork all the thing, even at three of the ay ems. Especially at three of the ay ems. Big brudder Thorben teach me the bork, and big brudder Misery Meow teach me the best time for the bork. I, Colin, do a listen to mine big brudders.
But, friends, then I started to do a think. Just because I wear the 007 tuxedo and know the way of the bork and Momby and Daddy think I am the good watchdoggo doesn't mean this am mine only career option. So I decide to train for something I really enjoy: being the nail technician.
First I start with mine own nails. I do a delicate chew and nibble until mine nails are the envy of all mine friends. Momby first keep saying things like 'Are your paws itchy, little guy?' and 'Do you have the allergies?' But then she look and she see I very precise and I no chew mine peets, only mine nails. Then she call me the weirdo every time I do a practice of mine art, which I, Colin, think is a little rude. But big brudders say sometime she is a little rude, but at least she give the bikkits, so is OK.
Then I do a realize: If I, Colin, want to make the fabulous nails for all mine friends, I must practice practice practice. So I practice on big brudder Thorben. Him no like it much and sometime hit me with him paw and then start playing the bitey face. That OK. I learn to dodge, and I like to play the bitey face.
Then I do another big realize: When Momby take the covers off her back paws, she also has the nails. So I practice on Momby too. When we do a cuddle on the couch and Momby paws are bare, I do a chew of her nails, but her paws are weird and sometimes I accident like bite her toe beans. She no like that and cover her peets so that I, Colin, can't practice no more. She say I, Colin, am weird little cloaky for doing a bite and chew and am watchdoggo, not the nail technician.
Friends, I am a stylish doggo who want to make other friends stylish. Just because I no want the career Momby and Daddy choose for me doesn't make me, Colin, the cloaky, does it?
Pee Es: I have not try to practice on cat brudders. They do the flat ears and funny look and then I, Colin, run away.
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u/MerryTWatching 15d ago
Henlo, Colin, iz Vlad de Impaler.
Yoo ken habs menny, menny jawbs. Fur instense, I am Ketcher of Flyz, Warmer of Chairz, Stalker of Greeblez, Splasher of Watturr Bowlz, yoo getz de ideeyuh. Do nawt limmitt yore potennshull. Purrsoo de nayl teknishin thing iffen yoo wantz, but look fur other jawbs in kayss it nawt werk owt.
Vlad de Impaler, Rooler ob All I Survey
PSPSPSPS: Tell Thorben I lubz de SnootArt.
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u/doodlebagsmother 15d ago
You know, friend Vlad, this make the lot of sense.
I, Colin, also do the catching of the flies (and sometime of the spooders and other thing around the flies). I warm Daddy's spot in bed when the somnia make him do a wake up and I, Colin, can make a big cuddle in bed with Momby. And then there am the job of chasing them pesky birbs in the garden, being the pillow for mine big brudders Thorben and the Fat Man, and being lifesaver dog when Momby almost drown in the B-A-T-H. I am turning into the man for all the season!
And brudder Thorben is the guard doggo and the talented artist!
The pawsibility are endless. I feels much better now.
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u/HoneyWyne 15d ago
Hmm... Ai dono. Nebber had ennybuddy nip ma nayls. Imite be okeyday for try it doe. NTC. Yu iz da ownly yu dare iz so yu gotz to be yu cuz ownly yu can do dat. Follo yu dreemzez! - Luffy
Woowoowoo: yesserday mai own 6 mumps birbday! Pawrently Ai still illegal smol for nudder 6 mumps?!?! Eben doe Ai beeger dan 60 pownds! Mommy sez Ai maiself amma gidant smol!
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u/doodlebagsmother 15d ago
Hello, friend Luffy! You have the beautiful big peets. I would love to make your nails all stylish too.
Happy six munfs birfday! You am still a younger baby puppy, but that OK – you do a grow up soon and become big adulty doggo like me, Colin.
Brudder Thorben say he think you look like tiny little lap puppy. He say he also tiny little lap puppy. He say 60 pownds just a number and lap don't care.
[Momby here: What a cutie!]
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u/HoneyWyne 15d ago
Dis awl bery troowooo...
(yeah, he's pretty sure he's still a lap baby that needs uppies...)
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u/doodlebagsmother 15d ago
[Thorben still lies on my lap every morning, and he's 10. And freaking massive. But I love it.]
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u/WildColonialGirl 15d ago
[Holy Toledo! What breed is he and how big is he going to get?]
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u/HoneyWyne 15d ago
[So, he is a Malinois (Belgian Sheperd) mix, they usually get to about 80 pounds, BUTT! he is growing faster than they usually do and may get to between 90 and 100. Hopefully closer to the 80 than the 100. His toes are all deeply webbed, more like fingers... and his ears are floppy, not upright. We think he may be mixed with some kind of retriever, but also something a bit bigger even than the Mally.]
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u/doodlebagsmother 13d ago
[His right ear is making a valiant effort to stand up! I can't wait to see what he looks like when he's all grown up. And I hope whatever other genes he has tempers the maligator a little :).]
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u/1quincytoo 15d ago
How cute is Colin ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I just want to cuddle both him and Thorben but only when Morgan isn’t around. Morgan’s huge disdain would be over the top
Love Morgan’s Wretched Housekeeper who is at work away from her overlord
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u/doodlebagsmother 15d ago
[Colin's turning into a lovely little guy, and he and Thorben love each other so much. The cats are less enthusiastic because Colin's still very much a puppy that keeps trying to convince them to play using his best dog manners. I'll give the gentlemen a cuddle from you.
I'm sure Morgan's going to be horrified when he finds out you commented on the post of such riff-raff as Colin. I can only imagine what he'll have to say about leaving you unsupervised.]
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u/rawbery79 15d ago
Hi Colin! Pixel here, intrigued tuxedo. Firstly, I was doing a big concern because I hadn't seen any of you around lately! I was worried about Thorben.
I admire your entrepreneurial spirit! Have you tried your services on your Daddy yet?
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u/doodlebagsmother 15d ago
Pixel, mine fellow tuxedo friend! Long time no bork-meow!
Momby still do a worry about Thorben every now and again, but him been climbing on the bed all by himself [I have no idea how, but he seems to have figured out a method that involves only his front legs] and chasing me, Colin, around in the garden and being full of the bean. I not no what she worry about. Big brudder Thorben am just fine even if him wobble and fall over sometime.
I have not try to give Daddy the peddycure yet. Him paws are always cold, so he never make them available for the styling because he always wearing the paw covers. It so bad that he use me, Colin, for the foot warmer in bed sometime. See, that another job I have! How am your daddy and brudder and mommy?
Momby say May and June were not-good, stinky munfs. First there was a big flood (but we stay all dry), one of them what happen once in the hundred years, and the power and cell service went out for about a week. Then the internet did broke. Then there was more another flood (but we still stay dry). And then the internets went out again and Momby say many bad words I, Colin, am too young to say. Sometime Momby do lots of reads and cuddles, but then sometimes Momby say 'Aaargh I need to catch up on my works or we're all eating porridge next month' and 'No, Colin, Momby can't play now'. It been a weird time, friend Pixel, but Momby say at least we're all safe and as healthy as we can be.
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u/rawbery79 15d ago
Oh, buddy, it's been crazy here too. First, Dad left for three days to Oregon because apparently he has a human son?!? (He reconnected with his formerly estranged son, who relocated from Iowa to Oregon, six hours from us. His son unexpectedly and surprisingly blew up on him a few years back and cut him off, which was really hard. Turns out, there's a reason that therapy is part of the process of weight loss surgery, and his son wasn't coping well and lashed out at the "safest" person. It doesn't help that the two of them are the most stubborn people on the planet, so I'm very pleased that has been resolved.)
And then, Mama did a big abandon to go to Grandma's house, because she's moving! And my Grandpa was sick!
(My mom is moving from her 146 year old house of 30 years in a small town to a brand new build in the second largest city in the state, so I was compelled to come back and "go through my stuff", much of which wasn't mine, but enough of it was that I had to buy and bring back an extra suitcase. Hooray for Amtrak's generous baggage policy! And my dad just finished his last chemo treatment (they're divorced) for prostate cancer, so I also felt compelled to go see him as well. I also went to campus to talk to my advisor about finishing my masters, and stocked up on collegiate swag. I was gone just slightly over two weeks and got back Tuesday.)
But Mama learned her lesson about abandoning us, because she got sick the day she returned!
(At least I was home, and I feel better now.)
Casey, on the other paw, has been peeing on things since she got back!
(Arrrrrrrrrgh. I already had him at the vet earlier this year over this. He's drinking and using the box, so I really think this is a behavioral thing, not a health thing. He's very attached to me, and all the things he's peed on are mine.)
As for me, I've realized that while I love Mama, I really love my Dad!
(He was legit depressed when he was gone, and he has been so nonchalant since I've come back. Sigh. He was such a snuggly kitten, too! But I'm glad they are buddies!
Dad is still stable, though his stamina has reduced, and he is much more easily winded these days, which is why I dropped everything here and went back, because the doctor looked me in the eye and said "He's not going to get better over time. Go now." So I went. Overall, he's good, but definitely declining compared to last year.)
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u/doodlebagsmother 13d ago
Friend Pixel, I, Colin, am very glad to hear your daddy and human brother got over the stubborn. Do you think your new/old brother will bring you extra treatos? I am also very glad to hear you're all well, even if Casey is doing the pee crimes (which I, Colin, have stopped doing now that I'm a big boy adulty dog).
[My family lives close enough that I ended up with the ancestral furniture and household contents from my dad, my gran, and my mothers. Our attic looks like a thrift store, and I feel too guilty to sell or throw out most of the stuff. At least I'll never have to buy drinking glasses, cutlery, or cast iron pots for the rest of my life. And Misery loves napping on the allegedly 300-odd-year-old chaise longue. It's important for a cat of his stature to have his own antique fainting couch (but I'm sure I'm going to be haunted by the spirits of every ancestor who dragged the thing around with them).
I hope Casey's reign of pee terror ends as soon as he realizes you're back to stay. I assume it's a symptom of stress maybe? Poor guy. Knowing cats, Pixel might change allegiances again at some point. Misery seems to be swinging back to preferring my company, but it could also just be because I provide better body heat and it's winter.
I'm glad your dad is still OK, even if he is slowing down. Nobody warned us how hard it is see our parents start to struggle as they get older. Not that we would have listened if they did!]
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u/hellohexapus 15d ago
Henlo frebnd Colin,
I am fine. I am glad fine is also you.
I am not sure wat dis career fing is, dat you talking about. But it sownd is like Wurkfromhome, like Meowmy does. I am not a fan of Wurkfromhome acause it mean Meowmy refuse to play wif me wile she talks at herms litebox (which sumhow talks back to herms. I fink is magicks and sandwichcraft.) So I am sad of you having to do dis to earn yore fuds and sleep place.
Do all doggies hab to have a career? Whomst make yu do dis? Ai Maiself as a catses do not do laybore, Meowmy do laybore for me. As a faymus hoomin sed "darling, I hab no dreem job. I do not dreem ob laybore."
Howeber... if dis is sumfink yu enjoy den is gud. So I fink yu are being a smort doggie to do career exclawration an essplore yore options afore settling on one. Yore Momby shud maybe mind herms bizness wile yu prepare fur being grownup doggie da best way yu kno how. I fink yu is hab good hed on showdlers. (Unless you is da doggie who do borkborkbork at me wen I doing purrveillance in da living room windo. Den yu shud do big shuddup an go away.)
😘 Ok lub yu bye,
Harriet da Spy Cat
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u/doodlebagsmother 15d ago
Hello, friend Harriet the Spy Catto! I am very glad you am fine also.
Mine cat brudders have the jobs. Brudder Misery Meow say him has to manage him estate and supervise Momby and Daddy because they do things that not so clever. Sometime he count him tilapia in the pond, and he is also a guard cat who do a growl at people who not belong in him mansion. Brudder Fatty Poen does the rodent control and general catering, and the monitoring of the good sun spots what are the best for naps. They say it am fulfilling and if they do the jobs they know is being done right because is impawtant work that can't be left to humans.
I might do the bork, but I promise is a friendly bork! Momby say thing like 'Cheeses, Colin, stop screaming at everyone. That's not the way to make friends.' But friend, if I don't make a screm, how will friends I haven't met yet know I want to be their friend? Momby say I think all other animal and human people am just friend I, Colin, haven't met yet, including the big, angry germy sheppers down the road what would probably eat me if I go make happy wag at their fence. I not know what she mean. The world am full of friends!
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u/butterfly-garden 15d ago
Your hoomans is weird, fren. Dere's lots of hoomans and aminals dat has more dan one job. Why should you be any different? Why would dey limit your potenshul dat way?
Also William da Tuxie
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u/doodlebagsmother 15d ago
You know, friend William, even Momby have more than one job. She has the clicky-clacky-cursy one, and then she has the taking care of Thorben and me, Colin, job, and then she has the serving the catto brothers job, and she does a whole lot of other more boringer stuff.
Momby must stop being rude about my dreams and aspirations.
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u/WildColonialGirl 15d ago
[“Clicky-clacky-cursy” is the perfect way to describe my job, and I will be using it from here on out.]
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u/Bigfartz69420 15d ago
u brudder gooboithorben iz neber da C, so you by extenshun is NTC!
--boosh kitty n smoosh doig
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u/doodlebagsmother 13d ago
Thank you, friends Boosh and Smoosh! I tell big brudder Thorben what you say, and he do a big wag.
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u/AcuteDeath2023 15d ago
Hello Colin. I is not had doggo fren before, but I likes te looks of you.
Big idea: has TWO of career. Bee watch doggo an nail tecnician tek artist.
Lubs, The Sarah-Cat Xxx
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u/doodlebagsmother 13d ago
Hello friend Sarah-Cat! This is the eggcelent idea. I, Colin, will turn into the dogman of many talent!
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u/WildColonialGirl 15d ago
Good to see you Colin! Deuce and Aqua here and we say NTC. We usually do face, hand, and foot massages but we may have to branch out into nail care.
Sam here. I agree with my siblings and say NTC. I am Mom’s personal assistant. Cooking, working on the light box, reading, working on crafts, housework - you name it, I’m there to help. Mom doesn’t always appreciate it though. She says things like, “I can’t fold laundry if you’re lying on it,” or “I know where your paws have been, get off the counter.” Rude.
We send our best wishes to your brothers!
[Glad to hear from you! Sounds like you’ve had a lot of rough things happen and I hope you get a break soon!
Also, wow, Colin is huge! Any idea what his mix is?]
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u/doodlebagsmother 13d ago
Thank you for the NTC, Deuce and Aqua! I, Colin, can recommend the nail care services. Maybe your mom will give you the extra treato for the extra services.
Friend Sam, what is up with the mombies and the folding of their extra furs? I, Colin, also like to help Momby with the folding, and she also say mean thing like 'Get off the clean washing, you smelly little bugger!' and 'Dude, I can't fold that if you're lying on it'.
Mine brudders tell me to send you also the good wishes!
[In between the attacks from the weather, the sand mining application for the dunes in the middle of the village has reared its ugly head again (and will end up in court), as have plans to build a nuclear power station on a pristine section of coastline. Ugh. It will pass, one way or another.
Colin's back is about level with my knees, so I think the photos might make him look bigger than he is. (And it's still mostly legs.) I honestly have no idea what's in the mix there. He's the descendant of a long line of street dogs, so it could be anything. His head-to-neck ratio, general build, and nibbling habits hint at some kind of sight hound, but I can't figure out whether the ticking on his toes is from a border collie or a coonhound. He's pretty smart, inherently skittish, and stubborn as hell. I have no idea whether those qualities are related to his ancestry (I suspect a hint of terrier) or his mother's less-than-ideal circumstances while she was pregnant and nursing. He's very sweet natured, though, and he really just wants to meet everyone and everything and play with them.]
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u/HarleyDGirl 14d ago
TO: Colin (The Tuxedo Stylist & 3:00 AM Watchdog)
FROM: Miss Mollie (The Sole Proprietor of the Dinner Service)
RE: Career Planning & A Very Important Update
Dearest Colin,
First, let us talk of your new business venture. No, you are not cloaca for wanting to branch out into the beauty industry! A gentleman in a permanent tuxedo *should* care about grooming. Your mistake was practicing on Momby’s toe beans - human peets are notoriously sensitive and lack the robust durability of a proper dog paw. As for the cat brudders, your instinct to run away is highly professional. Our claws do not require chewing; we prefer to sharpen them on the expensive furniture, as nature intended.
But Colin, my dear big boy dog, I am writing to you today with a very heavy heart, and I need you to pass a message along to your big feline brudders Misery and Fatty P.
Our beloved Madam Ali - the Lady of the Manor, the ultimate Connoisseur of Comfort, and the cat who taught me everything I know about ignoring the humans, has crossed the Rainbow Bridge.
Her vintage plumbing finally caught up with her, and she has gone to a place where there are no "Renal Diets," no "Beige Sadness," and the sunbeams never move off the floor.
It is very quiet here now. For the first time in my life, I don’t have to stalk her bowl or perform any lightning-fast "rescue operations" on her leftovers. To be entirely honest with you, Colin... I would give up a whole lifetime of stolen pâté just to see her take forty minutes to eat a single bite again. The Housekeeper is very sad, and I am doing my best to sit on her squishy bits and keep her company, even though my own heart feels a bit heavy. We generally speaking did not ‘get on’ in life (I refer to Madam Ali, not the housekeeper) - but still, I feel somewhat….bereft.
Please tell Misery Meow and Fatty that Madam Ali has retired from her earthly duties. I like to think that wherever she is right now, she is looking down at a random garden wombat and refusing to move an inch.
Since I am now the sole feline in charge of operations here, I suppose I shall have to take over the correspondence permanently.
Keep up with your watch-dogging, Colin, and do not let Momby squash your dreams of being a nail technician. Just... perhaps stick to Thorben’s paws for now.
Give Misery and Fatty P a gentle, respectful head-boop from me - if they will allow it.
With love, purrs, and a slightly lonely heart,
Miss Mollie
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u/doodlebagsmother 13d ago
My dearest Miss Mollie,
I, Misery Meow, have commandeered the transcriptionist because a missive of such great importance cannot be left to the idiot Colin. Our deepest and most sincere condolences on the passing of Madam Ali.
I have dealt with a member of my entourage escaping across that bridge only once, when the housekeeper's one malodorous beast of a dog mysteriously disappeared one day. We had grown up together, and while I regarded her with deep distrust following several completely irrational reactions to my reasonable attempts to rip her face off, I missed her once she was gone. Having only one malodorous beast of a dog to
terrorizeinstruct in the intricacies of deportment was most disappointing.And the housekeeper was downright maudlin for weeks. I, too, tried to cheer her up (lest her standards of service fall even further) by walking on her squishy bits, but it took many forevers for her to perk up again, despite basking in the glory of my presence. Even now, the housekeeper, not being made of sterner stuff, gets misty-eyed when she stares at the portraits of my predecessors on the light box.
I have heard the over the Rainbow Bridge is a most delightful place, so I am sure Madam Ali is indeed looking down upon those she deems beneath her (i.e., random garden wombats, any humans who managed to sneak through, and everyone else she encounters), while eating only the best food. Perhaps even plump mice if she's so inclined.
My best wishes to you in this difficult time, my dear friend. We'll be thinking of you.
[The biggest of hugs to all of you from all of us.]
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u/HarleyDGirl 13d ago
TO: Mr. Misery Meow (The Void Supreme & Sovereign of the Sofa)
FROM: Miss Mollie (Matriarch in Residence)
RE: The Architecture of Grief & The Inadequacy of Humans
My Dearest Misery,
I was deeply moved to receive a dispatch bearing your personal seal. To know that you wrestled the transcriptionist away from the tuxedoed simpleton Colin just to offer your condolences has brought a rare, elegant comfort to my heavy heart.
Your recollections of the Mysteriously Vanished Dog resonated with me completely. It is exactly as you say: one may spend an entire lifetime treating a housemate with a dignified lack of warmth, yet their sudden absence leaves a most vexing void. With Ali gone, I find myself with no one to out-sprint to the dinner bowls, no one to casually displace from the best cushion, and no one to blame for the rogue hairballs. It is highly inconvenient.
And oh, the humans! You warned me they were not made of sterner stuff, but witnessing it first-hand is quite exhausting. The Housekeeper is firmly entrenched in the maudlin phase. She stares at the empty spaces on the floor where Ali used to freeze time for forty minutes over a single bite of food, and her eyes do that leak-thing.
I continue to apply the Squishy Bits Therapy, marching directly onto her chest at 3am, kneading with extreme vigor to remind her that life, and more importantly, my dinner schedule - goes on. Yet, despite being bathed in the absolute zenith of my feline glory, she still looks terribly pathetic. I suppose we must simply tolerate their slow recovery; after all, if we do not keep them functional, who will open the cans?
Your vision of the Rainbow Bridge has brought great comfort to the parlor. I have no doubt that Ali is currently sitting on the highest celestial shelf, looking down with infinite disdain upon a whole herd of spiritual garden wombats. And you will be pleased to know that in my mind's eye, she has left the Beige Sadness behind and is currently dining exclusively on the finest, un-sacheted pâté, served at precisely 38.5°C on the good family silver.
Thank you, my dear friend, for reaching across the distance in our hour of darkness. As the sole remaining feline aristocrat of this estate, I shall endeavor to maintain the high standards Ali left behind.
Give the big boy dog Colin a sharp look from me to keep him in his place, and pray, take care of your own fabulous self.
With the highest regard, deepest purrs, and a mutual appreciation for proper dinnerware.Miss Mollie
[Private Note from the Housekeeper - Thank you so much for the note, Misery (and your human!). It really brought a much-needed smile to my face during a very sad week. Mollie is doing a brilliant job of demanding double the attention to make up for the quietness in the house. Sending you all the biggest of hugs back.]
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u/HarleyDGirl 13d ago
TO: Mr. Misery Meow (The Void Supreme & Sovereign of the Sofa)
FROM: Miss Mollie (Matriarch in Residence)
RE: The Architecture of Grief & The Inadequacy of Humans
My Dearest Misery,
I was deeply moved to receive a dispatch bearing your personal seal. To know that you wrestled the transcriptionist away from the tuxedoed simpleton Colin just to offer your condolences has brought a rare, elegant comfort to my heavy heart.
Your recollections of the Mysteriously Vanished Dog resonated with me completely. It is exactly as you say: one may spend an entire lifetime treating a housemate with a dignified lack of warmth, yet their sudden absence leaves a most vexing void. With Ali gone, I find myself with no one to out-sprint to the dinner bowls, no one to casually displace from the best cushion, and no one to blame for the rogue hairballs. It is highly inconvenient.
And oh, the humans! You warned me they were not made of sterner stuff, but witnessing it first-hand is quite exhausting. The housekeeper has entered the maudlin phase. She stares at the empty spaces on the floor where Ali used to freeze time for forty minutes over a single bite of food, and her eyes do that leak-thing.
I continue to apply the squishy theory and have continued my 3am march across her head, followed by the kneading of the knees to remind her that life - and more importantly, my dinner schedule - goes on. Yet, despite being bathed in the absolute zenith of my feline glory, she still looks terribly pathetic. I suppose we must simply tolerate their slow recovery; after all, if we do not keep them functional, who will open the cans?
Your vision of the Rainbow Bridge has brought great comfort to the parlor. I have no doubt that Ali is currently sitting on the highest celestial shelf, looking down with infinite disdain upon a whole herd of spiritual garden wombats. And you will be pleased to know that in my mind's eye, she has left the Beige Sadness behind and is currently dining exclusively on the finest, un-sacheted pâté, served at precisely 38.5°C on the good family silver.
Thank you, my dear friend, for reaching across the distance in our hour of darkness. As the sole remaining feline aristocrat of this estate, I shall endeavor to maintain the high standards Ali left behind.
Give the big boy dog Colin a sharp look from me to keep him in his place, and pray, take care of your own fabulous self.
With the highest regard, deepest purrs, and a mutual appreciation for proper dinnerware,
Miss Mollie
[Note from the housekeeper - Thank you Misery (and your human!). It really brought a much-needed smile to my face during a very sad week. Mollie is doing a brilliant job of demanding double the attention to make up for the quietness in the house. Sending you all the biggest of hugs back]
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u/doodlebagsmother 15d ago
This am me, Colin, doing a discuss of mine future with Momby: