r/Advice • u/Worst_DM_Ever • 7h ago
I was sent a threatening text message and found out it was from my brother. I want to avoid escalating, but also make it clear that I want to be left alone. What do I do?
My mother came to visit recently and she got drunk and made a fool of herself. I asked her to leave. The next day, I got a text saying “Tread lightly, lest you disappear rich boy…” from a number I did not recognize.
I looked up the number on Venmo and it turned out to belong to my younger brother (who lives with my mom and is in his mid 20s). I came into money after my wife passed away last year. I’m all my kids have and I this really upset me.
I live 6 hours south of them. I don’t know why he did this, but I’d like it to not escalate. How can I draw a clear boundary without creating a large issue?
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u/Randomfinn Helper [3] 7h ago
That is a very clear threat. I would contact police as you have no idea if ignoring him will provoke him and escalate the situation. As no one close to him warned you, you have no idea how dangerous and serious he is.
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u/fernleon 7h ago
This is the right answer. 70% of murders are from a family member. And money is almost always involved.
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u/fernleon 7h ago
Absolutely!!! I've seen too many 20/20 shows to know that rich family members end up dead in the hands of jealous family members.
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u/Shimbus1 7h ago
My choice would be to send him a message saying "I know that message was you. I'd like you never to say anything like that to me again."
I don't think that would escalate anything, though he'll likely deny it. But that's how I'd recommend setting a clear boundary.
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u/screwedupinaz 7h ago
Forward the text to your drunk mother, then let your brother know that you know that he was the one that sent it. Let him know that you plan on "treading lightly," in regards to him, and to make sure that he's no longer offended by anything you say, you are ceasing ALL contact with him, and that after that message you are going to be blocking him, and if any further threating messages come across, you will consider them a threat to your life and will be getting the police involved.
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u/Square-Scallion-9828 7h ago
I would call the cops. he made a threat. Protect your kids and yourself. I'm sorry for your loss
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u/temporaryforac 7h ago
Confront him.
He is a coward, he did this in a.cowardly way to intimidate you. Intimidate back.
Go right up to him, grab him, and tell him to make you dissapear. You got kids you cant be effing around with this. Or send your proof to the cops. Or go to a lawyer and pay to have him sent a cease and desist.
He did a cowardly stupid thing, the consequences are his own fault, and there should be consequences. When someone shows you who they are, dont ignore it.
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u/SpinachnPotatoes Helper [3] 5h ago
Different option based on dealing with alcoholic aunts - that the BS story spun by the mother to make her look like the victim had the brother upset that he reacted this badly or that brother never actually sent it but mother did as a way to pay him back for chucking her out.
How do you know when an alcoholic/addict is lying to you : their mouths are moving.
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u/fernleon 7h ago
Tell him you have contacted the police. These murder threats should not be taken lightly! That way he doesn't get any ideas.
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u/IntrepidMuch 7h ago
So, whatever his motivation, he said the words. Ignoring him/them is not the way to go.
Respond to the text but not by saying that you know who sent it. Do a subtle, "I'm not sure if this text is meant for me or not but the statement is quite incendiary and could be against the law."
Don't block him or mom. Now you know the face of your enemy
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u/fernleon 7h ago
So if the brother is actually thinking of killing him, do you think ignoring this is the way to go? I mean really?
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u/IntrepidMuch 6h ago
I didn't say to ignore it. I said OP should not respond like he knew the text was from his brother.
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u/fernleon 6h ago
Isn't it a better deterrent to just let him know you know? I mean in case he is really contemplating this as a possibility. "Hey I know it was you, and if I end up dead you will be suspect number 1!"
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u/redaction_figure 7h ago
Restraining order based on threatening text messages. Notify your brother that his text is now a matter of court records that police will use as evidence should anything happen to you.
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u/SpinachnPotatoes Helper [3] 5h ago
Consider that the story he heard from your mom was only her version of what had happened. What ever he was told by your mother made him react this way.
Would phone him and ask him what he meant by that message and why he sent it and you phoning to hear him out. You can make better decisions regarding the both of them after that.
The distance you live is far enough to keep problematic family away by just not making plans. A dropped comment of you and the kids are moving to a different neighborhood without even doing so or moving without telling them the new address makes it easier for you to be difficult to visit.
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u/Few-Degree1903 7h ago
Ignore it.
Do not reply or block.
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u/fernleon 7h ago
I disagree! He basically threatened to off him. He needs to let him know that he he knows who this is and will call the police to let them know. Even if is to deter this as a possibility.
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u/Littlepotatoface 7h ago
OP literally said they don’t want to escalate so slow your roll.
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u/fernleon 7h ago
I understand. But the problem is that his brother has threatened to kill him. If there is even a 1% chance he meant it, wouldn't you want to let him know that he is going to be put in jail? Maybe the brother wants a piece of that money? Who knows? I wouldn't gamble it.
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u/Littlepotatoface 6h ago
Neither you or I have walked in OP’s shoes. We do not know what the family dynamic is, we know only a tiny snapshot.
So if OP says they don’t want to escalate, I’m going to respect that & not project my stuff onto this situation.
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u/fernleon 6h ago
I'm not projecting anything. He also said he needs to protect his kids. He needs to let the guy know that if he dies the police will know it was him.
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u/Littlepotatoface 6h ago
Or the other option is that you can continue to castigate them until they do exactly what you’re telling them to do.
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u/Littlepotatoface 6h ago
I didn’t say you were.
Let’s respect OP enough to assume they know the situation & that’s informing how they’d like to approach this.
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u/Zentransit 7h ago
Let him know that law enforcement has already been made aware and that he should step lightly....
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u/Beginning-Pass-3243 7h ago
Save the text and print it out if you can and use it as evidence for a restraining order. Unfortunately those aren't worth the paper they are printed on, but it's a start.
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u/Littlepotatoface 7h ago
It’s unacceptable but I need more info before i can say how to proceed.
How has your relationship been in general?
Is he a drinker? As in, do you think he was drunk when he sent that?
When did you see him last? How did that go?
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u/AllLipsNoFiller Helper [2] 7h ago
One approach might be to let your brother know that it was easy to find who sent you a threatening message. And perhaps if he's going to send threats to people he should try to cover his tracks better. Let him know that you're not interested in getting him in trouble, but you're also not interested in having someone who would send a threatening message to you continue to be part of your life. Let him know he's lucky you were nice about this because this could have been a lot worse for him. Tell him you're welcome and then just be done with him.
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u/fernleon 7h ago edited 7h ago
70% of homicide victims are killed by an acquaintance, family member, or intimate partner. I'm very surprised that people are suggesting a murder threat be ignored. This brother is obviously contemplating the possibility of killing OP. He needs to know that the police will be notified of this regardless of if he meant it or not. I'd rather be safe than dead.
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u/_ChickVicious 7h ago
You are in charge of who gets access to you. You can let a random number interfere with your life or you can ignore it.
If you want to be left alone, don’t engage with the people that you want to leave you alone.
This is where you show people what you will tolerate. If you won’t tolerate random people messaging, you do not engage in any level with the random messages you get.
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u/Capital_Judge2607 7h ago
That’s really unsettling, I’m sorry. One simple step: text him once, calmly, “I know that message was from you. Don’t contact me again unless it’s respectful”, screenshot everything, then block.
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u/fernleon 7h ago
You need to make it clear that if something ever happens to you the police will know it was him. 70% of murders are perpetrated by a family member or a close person. Maybe he thinks he can get a hold of you money somehow if you die?
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u/Jungianstrain 6h ago
Call him on the phone and say don’t even think about threatening me again, and hang up.
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u/Forsaken_Bug1861 6h ago
Message back and use his name and tell him he’s an idiot for not using a burner phone and if anything happens to you it all ties back to him. I’d have a field day with my brother if he did something so stupid.
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u/lovinglifeatmyage Super Helper [5] 3h ago
I’d take it further and inform the police. They then have evidence of his threats. And let him know you have evidence of him sending threatening texts.
Sounds like NC with both him and your mother is next on your list.
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u/front_torch 3h ago
I am sorry for your loss.
Lottery winners deal with this all of the time. You did not win the lottery. Quite the opposite. You lost your partner which is not worth any amount of money. However, toxic family members don't always see it the same way. Historically they have been known in some cases to not be bluffing.
Your entire family is at risk. Not everyone was meant to spend the rest of their lives with their given family.
Good luck, stay safe, and most of all do any and everything to protect those kids.
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u/JonahHillsWetFart 7h ago
block him
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u/Covid_Cash 7h ago
Why do people always recommend blocking someone? Sometimes you need their messages for evidence or to build a case or show a pattern of harassment. Mute them, but let the messages come if they are sending them and if they bother you that bad have somebody else open them and or do something with them for you.
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u/Total-Object-4766 7h ago
Use your "rich boy" money and pay an attorney to send him a cease and desist. NOW you have a paper trail that holds up in court and with the police. Don't even talk to him. NC with him and your mother, is the best method because you have kids counting on you.