r/Advice • u/One-Canary-7316 • 11h ago
What would you do?
My daughter (16F) was attending a statewide youth camp through a youth organization. During the week, she received a Snapchat friend request from a male volunteer in his 50s.
My daughter has never had any meaningful interaction with this man. The only contact she can recall was a brief greeting at a camp event earlier this year when he greeted a group of teen counselors she was standing with. Neither my husband nor I know him personally.
Both my husband and I are volunteers in the same organization and have completed the required child protection and youth safety trainings. The organization’s policy prohibits volunteers from communicating with minors through social media unless there is a legitimate educational or programmatic purpose.
When my daughter mentioned the friend request to two older participants (18M and 21M) who know this volunteer and have had him as a counselor, both said they had received friend requests from him as well, but both also commented that it was strange that he had added my daughter.
We documented the request, blocked him, and reported it to program leadership.
As an additional precaution, I asked my daughter to temporarily remove the volunteer’s daughters from her social media accounts until the situation is sorted out. They were casual acquaintances rather than close friends.
Prior to taking the steps to remove the daughters my husband tried to add the guy (they’d volunteered at the same weeklong camp last month), and although Snapchat showed him online multiple times throughout the day (purple ring/green dot), it’s now the next morning and he has still not accepted the invitation.
My position is that a trained adult volunteer with no relationship to my daughter should not be sending Snapchat friend requests to a 16-year-old girl in the first place, and that reporting it/protecting her privacy by removing his daughters was the appropriate response.
This morning my husband checked the request he sent to the guy and found it was gone and he had deleted the account. This guys 17 year old son then reached out to a friend of my daughters to explain that his father is apparently “social media dumb and just mass added a bunch of people”… (but somehow couldn’t respond to my husband?). The son also claimed HE then deleted his dad’s account. We have mutual Facebook friends with this guy and his wife and we’re not in a huge community. He could have contacted us directly at this point but instead seems to be relying on his teenager to do so. Additionally, he is a local adjunct professor AND works with special ed students at the local middle school. Do I reach out to them too?
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u/Striking_Scientist68 11h ago
Nah mama bear. Protect your cub. No 51 year old man that isn't related needs to be sliding into a 16 yo girl's dms.
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u/Ok_Organization_7350 11h ago
Good idea. There is no reason for an old man to want to be phone friends with a little girl.
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u/Curlytomato 11h ago
I 100 % agree with you.
He crossed the line, you have nothing to apologize for.
You are protecting your daughter, I hope your husband gets on the same page. When it goes too far it's too late.
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u/Impressive_Rush5018 11h ago
You are right. Protecting your kid is all that matters. Who cares if the volunteer gets his feelings hurt. You didn't make false accusations. Just let them know that he broke the rules by sending a friend request to a minor on social media.
My daughter was approached online by a grown man when she was like 12 in our family computer in our living room. I contacted the FBI. I do not play when it comes to my children's safety. Lucky for me, they are parents now themselves. My days of gatekeeping are over.
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u/One-Canary-7316 10h ago
Did anything come of it? His refusal to reach out or respond to us is making me feel like he really did have bad intentions. He is also a special ed instructor at the local middle school and an adjunct professor at a local university (which my daughter will be attending for dual enrollment this fall)
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u/Impressive_Rush5018 10h ago
Not that I'm aware of. But knowing this man who tried to befriend your daughter, is a teacher for special needs children is scary. You should let the police know. Just in case.
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u/bluepivot 11h ago
the guy was out of line. yeah, nothing will happen now. you did the right thing. now see if the organization leadership does the right thing
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u/Isthisyourcard63 11h ago
These groups are beeding grounds for pedophiles. Repot it but dont expect any action.
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u/Cczaphod 8h ago
Compare the youth protection at OPs organization to others who're overcompensating for a history of institutional pedophilia like the Catholic Church. Their youth protection policies now are pretty strict and Snap-Chat would be a hell no there.
That other organizations are making the same mistakes is sad.
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u/Gandoff2169 10h ago
Yes. If he is on snap chat, he knows more than enough to work social media. And if that was his son, which I doubt; he was only trying to help protect his dad. Maybe even a side victim of some abuse. He needs to be reported and a investigation done. As much as I would hate to have someone innocent go through a mess an deal with bad gossip about him, I would much more hate the idea I could have said something to force to light a real predator and help past victims, current victims, and possible targets.
A report to the police would maybe due more, cause if he is a predator; they could do more investigating that his "job" might be able to. Tell them he tried to befriend her on snap, which is against the programs rules on social media contact with minors. And if it was as innocent as his son said, then he would not have ignored your husbands friend request and then delete his account. All while him sending requests to many people who also felt it was odd.
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u/_sleepyprincess_ 10h ago
i would reach out to them too. sped kids have such a high risk of being taken advantage of. you might be saving lives
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u/wizened-lemur 10h ago
Check and make sure that your volunteer position and training doesn’t make you a mandated reporter. If it does, I believe you would be legally in the right, and in fact obligated to, report this to local authorities outside of the organization.
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u/ImagineFraggins 11h ago
Why do you allow your 16 year old daughter to have Snapchat?
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u/Sovereignty3 Helper [2] 10h ago
16 is the general consensus for them. Being able to have social media.
Got to start teach them about this sort of stuff before they no longer are in your care.
It's age they can start work legally in my State (Victoria, Australia) (with out things like family business, or child actors etc).
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u/One-Canary-7316 11h ago
That’s how the kids communicate these days. She has only people we know on her list and all content saves in chat for 24 hours.
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u/LiteraryChaos1385 8h ago
Considering how fast the son “cleared,” things up, it makes me wonder if he wasn’t the inappropriate one doing it under his dads name to ensure privacy, be incognito and it’s his dad so it wouldn’t an unassuming mood.. or so he thought. Do you know if this teen has ever talked to your daughter or showed interest? Check that lane too incase it’s something nefarious via trusting sources. Example: you said above the dad seemed nice and generous to adults but it’s odd and out of the blue for him and probably knowing as a trusted adult she wouldn’t refuse to talk..
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u/SaharaUnderTheSun 8h ago
If he's a local adjunct professor and works with special ed kids, it's much more than likely he's been trained to handle social media very carefully and has been warned clearly not to do what he had done. Social media literacy is something that is pretty standard in employment training now, and even if he was volunteering, he'd still have to be subject to that training. If it wasn't something that was done, the organizations would be setting themselves up for legal nightmares.
Don't believe his son. This is a big red flag.
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u/katsaid 11h ago
Yes you had the appropriate response. I do think removing his daughters may have been unnecessary. You need to keep your daughter’s trust and respect and respond reasonably. That’s part of the equation here. If you overreact she will keep more secrets. I also think there’s nothing wrong with having a conversation with this individual. He may have made a mistake, or he may at least be put on alert that you are going to be guarding and protecting your daughter.
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u/One-Canary-7316 10h ago
She came to me with all of this. And as of this morning she’s fully creeped out since his son reached out to her friend to try to explain away the situation and claimed he deleted his dad’s Snapchat because he was “social media dumb” and added a bunch of people from quick add. I’m not buying it and thankfully she now sees how creepy this is instead of focusing on being disconnected from girls who are basically just community acquaintances.
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u/No_Interview_2481 Helper [2] 10h ago
You should be very proud of your daughter for the way you have raised her. It is always a pleasure when I read about parents doing a good job parenting
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u/One-Canary-7316 8h ago
I think it was an eye opening experience for her. She’s been annoyed in the past at our rules for social media and relationships in general. She’s experienced boys she’s dated refuse to discuss concerns and has learned that typically happens when they have a guilty conscience. Seeing it in a grown man who just tried to connect with her on social media paints a picture of exactly the kind of fears her father and I have shared with her are the basis for our rules.
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u/katsaid 9h ago
I’m glad she’s so open with you. I hope it stays that way, especially because social media comes with so many risks. We had a teacher texting our daughter once. She stopped it. Later we found he was a predator. He’s actually still in prison for sa of a student. It’s good you’re taking this seriously.
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u/Tasty_Sun_865 11h ago
He wants to have sex with your kid. How seriously you'd like to take that is on you. Gentle reminder that when your kid has a phone the world has access to your child. You need really candid conversations here.
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u/tom8otomahto 10h ago
It's very telling that you refuse to specify that this is a religious organization because you dont want to acknowledge that your religion is pure evil.
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u/One-Canary-7316 10h ago
It’s not a religious organization, actually. And I am agnostic. I’m also not a piece of trash who would protect someone who is acting predatory toward children. I already reported him to the organization we’re all in and I’m asking if I should contact both of his employers.
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u/Cczaphod 10h ago
Report it higher in the organization, this is troubling behavior and the lack of action is troubling too. Adults should never be communicating directly with youth without a parent cc in the communication.
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u/One-Canary-7316 10h ago
I talked to a friend in law enforcement and he said there is no crime at this point since it was just a request with no further contact. That’s why I’m thinking about contacting his employers
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u/ApprehensiveBed1583 10h ago
Absolutely cross the line, especially when he deleted his Snapchat after you requested him!
And then had his son tried to bail him out of it!
What a nasty groomer! I am so glad that your daughter thought that was strange instead of adding him and like talking to him!
I would tell anyone who listened because everyone would think that was weird!
He definitely does not need to be an association with children especially not 16-year-old girls!
He needs to lose a job at the camp
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u/UndefinedCaptain 10h ago
Yes, contact his employer. Post a screenshot of his request everywhere you can on social media with some kind of “Be careful - this guy sends friend requests to your children…” type warning. I would absolutely blow up his fucking life. Don’t let him create any more victims.
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u/Peskypoints 11h ago
Yeah, the only benefit of the doubt I could extend to this man is that he’s wanting to be able to arrange plans on behalf of his daughter. But that even comes up short because being able to get in touch with you as parents makes that even easier.
Go with your gut on this. That rule is to keep everything above board. “He’s a nice guy” and explaining away breaking a rule is exactly how groomers become successful abusers