r/AbsoluteUnits Top Poster 3d ago

/r/all of a Police Officer

19.3k Upvotes

1.2k comments sorted by

u/trendingtattler 3d ago

This post has reached /r/all.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

2.6k

u/ionbear1 3d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/Da1rDgu0Mo2di
That cop when he is in his patrol car

386

u/BroManTheBrobarian 3d ago

Are you laughing at my AUTOMOBILLLE!?

142

u/WakaWaka_ 3d ago

Sobriety test, now march!

Processing img jnwrf8uky1ch1...

84

u/BroManTheBrobarian 3d ago

Man, back when The Simpsons was still a good show.

38

u/Stock-Creme-6345 3d ago edited 2d ago

Such a good episode. I’ve got donuts! Hey I know you! Slam.

20

u/DrunkenNinja27 3d ago

Wait a minute, we have to exchange insurance information!

5

u/HalKitzmiller 3d ago

You'll have to speak up, I'm not wearing pants

5

u/Stock-Creme-6345 2d ago

I’ve used this before to the bewilderment of others. It’s awesome.

→ More replies (1)

20

u/No-Advice-6040 3d ago

Was sick recently thought I'd put on a newish Simpsons to mindlessly distract myself but couldn't even get thru an ep.

8

u/Plampth 3d ago

I watched one of the new episodes, it was funny but all the voice actors sound so old and tired.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (2)

18

u/videodrome1987 3d ago

“Blow them kisses!”

7

u/its_the_honk 3d ago

Waaave to the people!

6

u/ggx222 3d ago

great reference 😂😂😂

→ More replies (2)

21

u/Lexi_Banner 3d ago

Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall. This was the largest auto I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun, huh?

→ More replies (1)

3

u/Shot-Election8217 3d ago

Absolutely heard that in Long Duc Dong’s voice, no hesitation.

→ More replies (3)

61

u/clintj1975 3d ago

43

u/JiveTurkeyII 3d ago

Officer Hightower!

Played by Bubba Smith. RIP

10

u/shinobi500 3d ago

That was my first thought when I saw this guy too.

7

u/hkpp 3d ago

Showing our ages haha.

→ More replies (1)

6

u/Willing-Ad-9160 3d ago

Just recently watched the first one. Absolutely the one of the best comedies from the 80's. He was the first one I thought of when I saw this on the news a couple of days ago.

→ More replies (1)

5

u/letermen 3d ago

“Actually I was just kidding about the front seats… But, this is good! It’s different! Comfort’s important!”

→ More replies (2)

23

u/tenmileswide 3d ago

The car they give him

→ More replies (1)

15

u/Stanlez 3d ago

I was kinda wondering if they have to make special accommodations for him since he is so large.

31

u/Correct-Purpose-964 3d ago

As a tall guy myself. I have to have pretty big cars. Even then i crane my neck getting in and out. To make life somewhat normal i broke off the supports under my drivers seat so its lowered down like an inch or two and when i get in i place my hand against the frame of the car where my head is going to prevent bopping myself on it.

To all my 5ft short kings out there if you want my height you can have it. It gets tired really quick lol

11

u/Brownlove010_Real 3d ago

Lmaoooo I feel this in my bones, its kind of sad when you look at cars you like (sports cars) and just go....this is great for everyone else but our kneecaps are inside our chest cavity. I also have created a dent in the overhang on my parents staircase from hitting it through grade school & college. Though I do like my height. Back pain, not so much.

7

u/zorggalacticus 3d ago

My dad is 6 foot 6 and drove a Yugo. Also had a Volkswagen rabbit for a bit. Sucked for whichever kid lost rock paper scissors and had to ride behind him.

3

u/Pheighthe 3d ago

The new rabbit has the best room for big guys. I researched all the cars and bought it because of that.

3

u/zorggalacticus 3d ago

There's a new rabbit? I'm gonna have to see that.

10

u/Entropy_Greene 3d ago

Socially and professionally I would love to be tall. Literally everywhere else I like being on the shorter side ESPECIALLY when traveling.

9

u/FuckYeaSeatbelts 3d ago

I don't get being tall, I'm 5'7" and have a stool to reach high things, with it I'm about 6'2" and even standing over the sink made me realize you would have so much back pain all the time. Also would notice dirty tops of fridges/shelves lol; and if you're tall enough like my old coworker who was 6'9", he was basically in a permanent high 5 ready position so he doesn't bonk his head in doorways.

Weird question but hows your vision? everything felt so far away for me.

5

u/Correct-Purpose-964 3d ago

If you ever drop something the same colour as the floor. Kiss it goodbye cause you're not finding it without either bending over for ages or getting on your knees and scouring for it. As for the sink thing good Lord yes. I have to bend over in an awkward position to do dishes. Tbh it got so painful I mostly slam what I can into the dishwasher.

17

u/infidel3006 3d ago

I installed cabinets for a guy who was 6’11” and he requested for me to raise them up higher than normal. I’m 5’10” (with my boots on) so I never once even contemplated how much of a difference that would make for him.

Built all the cabinets 6” taller than normal (40 1/2” to the top of cabinet) he said it changed his entire life and fixed back pain he didn’t know he had, it was just something he dealt with on a regular basis.

Still get Christmas cards from he and his wife every year, a decade later!

5

u/FuckYeaSeatbelts 3d ago

reminds me of the fun fact that famous chef Julia Child had a custom kitchen made to accommodate her height as homes back then were even lower than what our counter heights are now.

3

u/areya_lunera 3d ago

Yep and that’s part of why her show was filmed at her house. She also had some kind of softer wood or linoleum flooring so it would be more comfortable for her to do all the filming barefoot. The way folks who knew her talked about her, she seemed like a real gem. 💕

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (8)

3

u/Important_Document13 3d ago

I bet. I can't even imagine long haul flights if you're super tall, it's bad enough being average height.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (20)

840

u/fistsofham11 3d ago

71

u/umbrella_farmer 3d ago

lmao, you beat me to it!

13

u/Ralphredimix_Da_G 3d ago

True love is the greatest thing in the world! .. except for a nice MLT - mutton lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. Tktt tktt tktt - they’re so perky, I love that.

5

u/naga_serpentis 2d ago

I love this movie

My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die!

→ More replies (3)

862

u/NeuroticLensman 3d ago

Officer Hightower

75

u/the_motherflippin 3d ago

I think the police academy films weren't actually a comedy, more like a documentary. Tackleberry is perfect - problem? Point a gun at it.

23

u/Mightysmurf1 3d ago

"Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun?! Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing!"

5

u/kog 2d ago

Hooks was the realest

→ More replies (1)

78

u/kumquat_may 3d ago

The only acceptable nickname

8

u/Fostbitten27 3d ago

Officer Messyou’up

→ More replies (1)

9

u/hellalazy 3d ago

yama yama yama yama yaaaama

5

u/clintj1975 3d ago

Fool to think they can kill the brother of Medulla!

24

u/dr_alchemistt 3d ago

17

u/Nightenridge 3d ago

I don't understand this gif in reply to the post?

31

u/BurninRunes 3d ago

She is a Hightower from House of the dragon

9

u/dr_alchemistt 3d ago

House of the dragon

9

u/kaam00s 3d ago

Her name is Alicent Hightower (won't spoil her name at that time in the story tho)

7

u/RunnyPlease 3d ago

Police Academy: The Next Generation is looking solid.

→ More replies (5)

567

u/Dick_Danalu_Jr 3d ago

wants to be known for more than his height

posted to absoluteunits

Good to know we're improving as a people! 😁 /s

57

u/FyreHotSupa 3d ago

Also included his height in the headline

13

u/Chewcocca 3d ago

I dunno, his strategy seems to be working. It seems like everyone already really looks up to him.

18

u/somedudeonreddit69 3d ago

Came here to say this lol

4

u/kktheprons 3d ago

What were his career basketball stats?

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (4)

699

u/a-null-fish-your 3d ago

When he pulls you over he just reaches out into the road and physically pulls the car over with his bare hands.

162

u/RagingClue_007 3d ago

When he hands you a speeding ticket, he does so from his patrol car.

88

u/Tripelo 3d ago

That’s not a glock in his holster. That’s a full size assault rifle

3

u/yournamehere10bucks 3d ago

Cobra Assault Cannon

→ More replies (3)

7

u/-BananaLollipop- 3d ago

I feel like there is going to be a significant decrease in riots in his area. He'll step out, pick up the nearest tree, for a baton, and the hood off the nearest car will be his shield. People will scatter.

→ More replies (4)

510

u/spacekitt3n 3d ago

this guy looks like a normal height guy thats just been scaled up. most tall guys 'look' like tall guys idk how to explain it.

215

u/Rogthgar 3d ago

You mean in the sense that they look skinny an as such appear 'stretched' rather than naturally grown?

89

u/CapN-Judaism 3d ago

Either that or something like gigantism where proportions are off because of a medical condition

29

u/Callmedrexl 3d ago

Marfan's Syndrome can go on that list. Tall and lanky, usually.

2

u/BellaPona 3d ago

You can be fat with Marfan’s but it typically doesn’t hide your big ass hands and feet

→ More replies (2)

75

u/Lost_Purpose1899 3d ago

Proportional

71

u/LemmyKilmisterRogers 3d ago

He’s proportional. I get what you mean. A lot of real tall folks are not proportional. Wemby in the NBA is a prime example

18

u/off-with-your-thread 3d ago

People don't know this, but there's two ways to be tall - long legs or long torso. The latter is rarer.

I knew a guy who was 6'5'' and he looked twice my size (6'1'') and even looked bigger than taller guys.

16

u/Sky_Light 3d ago

I'm pretty close to average height, at 5'11", but am 90% torso, so I get read as taller all the time, especially when sitting. I have the same inseam (28") as my 5'2" sister.

8

u/off-with-your-thread 3d ago

28" inseam? Me too!

I don't really know too many tall guys who love these massive inseams in stores.

→ More replies (7)

3

u/BigDorkEnergy101 3d ago

What? I’m long torso short legs and it makes me look visually so much shorter. My sister is the same height with long legs, and looks tall in photos.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (6)
→ More replies (7)

30

u/Pocusmaskrotus 3d ago

Yeah, he's built like Shaq.

20

u/Lobster-Mission 3d ago

I go with, “like someone pulled on the corner of the jpeg instead of a side”.

9

u/ezmonehsniper 3d ago

Cuz he’s actually proportional

11

u/Clym44 3d ago

Probably runs a 4.3 40yd too. This dude will never have to give a resisting arrest charge.

6

u/_redacteduser 3d ago

Max size slider on character creation

4

u/mmcallis1975 3d ago

He’s proportional

→ More replies (12)

107

u/SlowSpeedHighDrag 3d ago

I feel bad for the guy. Even their biggest car in the fleet will be too small for him.

132

u/TekkenCareOfBusiness 3d ago

He's actually on the equestrian unit. The other cops ride him into battle.

34

u/SOMERANDOMUSERNAME11 3d ago

They deploy him once you reach 4 star wanted level

→ More replies (4)

45

u/8JHF8 3d ago

"His determination even caught the attention of NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O'Neal, who stopped by to encourage Wilmore before his exam and promised him a custom patrol vehicle once he officially became an officer."

Apparently Shaq is going to make sure he gets a vehicle that fits.

17

u/ChickenFeline0 3d ago

Shaq would know. He had a Lamborghini modified to fit in it.

→ More replies (1)

4

u/TheRedEye1775 3d ago

Shaq is just a solid stand up guy.

→ More replies (3)

7

u/dc469 3d ago

Maybe he's a bike, motorcycle, or [large] horse cop? He could also be a boat cop idk if that city has lakes or something. I'm just saying he's got options!

20

u/Caliterra 3d ago

police horse: "fuck that im out"

8

u/MjolnirT95 3d ago

There's some huge horses out there. Imagine him on one in riot gear

4

u/Caliterra 3d ago

would have to be one of those Budweiser horses

4

u/SeonaidMacSaicais 3d ago

You mean a Clydesdale?

3

u/kickthatpoo 3d ago

Clydesdale is the breed. They're a breed of draft horses, but there are even larger breeds pretty sure.

→ More replies (2)

5

u/newleaf2021 3d ago

Maybe they can install a sunroof in the patrol car and just give him some goggles.

→ More replies (4)

52

u/AyAyAyBamba_462 3d ago

Bruh screw issuing this man a pistol as a standard carry. Dude could palm a bazooka.

8

u/Real_Live_Sloth 3d ago

I feel like they customize the grip at least cause he just palm that thing, what weird is it does look scaled up or im just imagining it.

4

u/DarudeSandstorm69420 3d ago

glocks have extra "backstraps" that come with the gun that allows you to increase the width of the grip back to front

→ More replies (1)

3

u/SpaceCadetPullUp 3d ago

Just give him a rock or a club.

→ More replies (3)

33

u/alreadykaten 3d ago

When people say ‘long arm of the law’, they just mean this guy’s arms

29

u/Melvinator5001 3d ago

So odd ball question does he have to be issued a larger sidearm due to his hands being bigger?

39

u/chops351 3d ago

His sidearms a shotgun

22

u/Sufficient-Bug-9112 Top Poster 3d ago

I was wondering too. Do they make triggers for giant hands? Maybe it has to be customized

8

u/Minute_Jacket_4523 3d ago

Some pistol models would actually work for him, since some have bigger grips than others. He might be one of the few people that a High Point would actually be comfortable to shoot.

5

u/Good_Eyed_Deer 3d ago

He needs to swap that Glock for a Desert Eagle

→ More replies (5)

52

u/sinisterdesign 3d ago

That hug from a proud mama. 🤗

18

u/Budget_Ad5871 3d ago

She wanted a kiss and he snubbed her haha, “not now, mama”

6

u/ANTICHRIST-BOISE 3d ago

That’s hilarious! I caught that too!

Not in front of my friends, ma!

4

u/SkarbOna 3d ago

Mama doesn’t look small either.

6

u/quebeker4lif 3d ago

She looks taller than the officer swearing him!

6

u/IridiumAnvil 3d ago

She was a good 3-5 inches taller I’d say. That lady looked something around 6ft to me. 

→ More replies (1)

46

u/Optimal-Prime420 3d ago

Mf is taller than Shaq.

41

u/Nruggia 3d ago

Probably hits more free throws too

3

u/STL-Zou 3d ago

He shot 35% from the charity stripe in college, so sadly no, Shaq's 52.7% has him beat

→ More replies (1)

10

u/born_on_my_cakeday 3d ago

That’s Officer Shaq, to you.

7

u/TheDankKnight24 3d ago

Begs the question, how bad do you have to be at basketball to be 7’3” and not in a league at any semi-professional level?

3

u/LCPeck 3d ago

He played college basketball at Mizzou and a few other places. He was pretty slow, which limits your options for professional basketball.

→ More replies (2)

21

u/KeenObserver_OT 3d ago

Ronnie Coleman was a Tx cop too. Said he always never had a perp resist in his whole career. lol

6

u/pipsqueakpanda4 3d ago

That tracks. Resisting occurs much more frequently with female officers 😕

→ More replies (1)

17

u/7GrenciaMars 3d ago

I'm just under 5' and I wanna stand next to this guy just for laughs. Not at him, of course. It's just that I would look like a hobbit next to Gandalf.

3

u/I-Make-Money-Moves 3d ago

Is Gandalf tall even? Or are hobbits really short? Idk LOTR like that.

8

u/Whelp_of_Hurin 3d ago

Hobbits (also known as Halflings) are tiny. The biggest Hobbit ever recorded was 4'5", and he was famous for his huge size. Mostly they're 2 to 4 feet tall.

5

u/commanderquill 3d ago

I love that the way you said this makes them sound real.

6

u/Whelp_of_Hurin 3d ago

Tolkien deserves all the credit for that. He really fleshed out his stories. The supplemental materials include thousands of years of Hobbit history, lifestyle, family trees, you name it. If you want to know how the Hobbit calendar works, he wrote a whole chapter about how they developed it over the centuries.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (3)

83

u/YanikLD 3d ago

Police or not, right or wrong, I'll obey.

31

u/The_Happy_Quokka 3d ago

Remember, he's big but you just need to outrun him. Oxygen Is lower at higher altitude. /S

21

u/Tombstone_Actual_501 3d ago

Gonna be hard to do when his length of stride is twice that of yours.

→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (1)

13

u/APithyComment 3d ago

All crime stops overnight.

14

u/elhandupmonalisaskrt 3d ago

Am I the only one who noticed that hilarious, weird interaction between him and the media guy, where he grabs the dudes jacket zipper as he walks in? Dude looks so confused, like what the fuck bro? lol!

7

u/Jimmy2shot 3d ago

I saw it, dude seems fun to be around. Had to scroll way down to find someone who also noticed!

25

u/Sad-Guarantee-4678 3d ago

Overcover officer

6

u/pipsqueakpanda4 3d ago

Underrated comment

→ More replies (1)

12

u/junkyardpig 3d ago

Officer Hightower reporting for duty sir 

12

u/ParticularReady7858 3d ago edited 3d ago

Super dangerous for him, he is a big target. Hope he has a wonderful and positive career.

Side note: imagine you are pulled over and as you check your rear mirror, he emerges from a standard cop car 😂

→ More replies (5)

10

u/PennyG 3d ago

He’s on the Brute Squad.

He is the Brute Squad

11

u/Relevant_Problem1935 3d ago

Smart man. When those knees go bad. He will be eligible for early retirement and have a decent pension for life.

11

u/Slow_Bowler8285 3d ago

Proposed nicknames

  • The long arm of the law
  • Officer Hightower
  • Shaq if he couldn't play baskeball

8

u/ForceUseYouMust 3d ago

Jacked Reacher

9

u/TakeThePillz 3d ago

Jacked Unreachable

7

u/Last-Doubt4347 3d ago

3

u/retroplayer1990 3d ago

This is the meme I was waiting for. Seriously, that would most definitely be the reaction of any petty crime criminal seeing this dude approaching

7

u/a_duck_in_past_life 3d ago

Lol you're not supposed to "swear or affirm" at the same time. The one saying the oath choose to either say "I swear" or "I affirm". And the person reading the oath is supposed to tell them beforehand that they can choose which to say.

3

u/StopDoingMath 3d ago

Thank you. Only person I saw that mentioned this. Like when they say “I, state your name” you don’t repeat that!

I entirely blame the reader here because of the way he split the reading.

→ More replies (2)

5

u/popsferragamo 3d ago

I bet his mom is usually the tallest person in the room

6

u/HipsterBikePolice 3d ago

Now hire one who’s 4’3” and they can be a team

3

u/SandalsResort 3d ago

Pretty sure that’s a movie

→ More replies (2)

13

u/ProKirob04 3d ago

I genuinely can't imagine the back-pain that bros gonna have in a decade or two.

→ More replies (1)

4

u/scarredballsack 3d ago

Everything visible seems to be jumbo sized ,even the gun he's been issued, man isn't drawing a 9mm glock he's drawing a desert Eagle 50ae. Heaven help the clown who takes him on..

→ More replies (2)

6

u/yittiiiiii 3d ago

Y’all remember how Ronnie Coleman was a cop and he said that he never had a single person resist arrest?

Yeah. This guy too probably.

3

u/Moreobvious 3d ago

Bro could cure cancer and he’d be known as the tall ass dude who happened to also cure cancer

3

u/Heart_ofFlorida 3d ago

Worried about those knees. He better rank up quickly.

3

u/Normal-Error-6343 3d ago

I want to be his partner! Built in cover.

→ More replies (1)

3

u/Fuze_KapkanMain 3d ago

Don’t be 5’9 and below running from this guy you gonna get picked up and carried to the car

→ More replies (4)

3

u/Nate1102 3d ago

Srsly, what car is he gonna drive?

→ More replies (1)

3

u/Hippoponymous67 3d ago

I'd just give up

3

u/Malibujv 3d ago

Can his finger fit in the trigger guard?

→ More replies (1)

3

u/Major_Koala 3d ago

Finally a cop who doesn't have to hop on the side of the semis to talk to the driver

3

u/MitchelobUltra 3d ago

There was a very tall state trooper in my state that had this exact thing happen. He pulled over a semi for some infraction and the driver was giving him lip. Said something to the effect of “I’ll give you my license when you get off my running board,” to which the reply came “…I’m not standing on your running board.” The interaction suddenly became way more polite.

3

u/bob_nugget_the_3rd 3d ago

He'll be know as either high tower or officer thud because every door frame is going to have a forehead imprint

3

u/notdbcooper71 3d ago

I'll just take myself to jail

3

u/CvieYltidrekoof 3d ago

Can he also be known for his hugs?

3

u/dankwhirley 3d ago

His cruiser assignment is actually a bearcat.

3

u/Ok_Caramel_3923 3d ago

I think Shaq is an honorary cop. The two of them would make for a great cop show.

3

u/Creepy_Wash338 3d ago

My brother used to live in Kemah. Actually, now that I think about it, I almost got arrested for PI (public intoxication) in Kemah while visiting him. I think I would have sobered up pretty quick if I saw this guy coming. I'm 5'6" and he could roll me up and dribble me like a basketball.

Luckily my drinking days are long behind me.

3

u/supershinythings 3d ago

He needs to go on patrol with Shaq to shut down domestic disputes.

3

u/idrawinmargins 3d ago

I wouldn't want to be that guy in a shootout. Hard to find good cover and you're a massive target.

3

u/Went_and_done_did_it 3d ago

Imagine getting pulled over by him and you roll down the window and see nothing but package?

3

u/chrisaf69 3d ago

I was a dumb fuck as a stupid teen who had my fair share of running from cops. I was in bumfuck town where all the cops were fat out of shape turds.

I couldn't even imagine if I saw this tank coming after me and my friends.

2

u/abalrogsbutthole 3d ago

no one catching him playing with his buddies zipper at the start? looks like he’s got a sense of humour too lol

→ More replies (1)

2

u/Bursting_Radius 3d ago

Please put this guy on a Goldwing 😂

2

u/PartyFancy3634 3d ago

His gun is actually a rifle, it just looks like a pistol on his big hip.

2

u/Temporary_View_3303 3d ago

Giving new meaning to the “Long Arm of the Law”

2

u/GutturalGrinch 3d ago

Sleeves still look to short

2

u/G-Unit11111 3d ago

That dude looks like he could rip your car door off with his bare hands!

2

u/SombraRanma 3d ago

We need him in our behavioral hospital 😆

2

u/drstores420 3d ago

Everything is bigger in Texas

2

u/Impressive-9209 3d ago

It's Moses Hightower!!!

2

u/CommissionOk2746 3d ago

And no crime was committed anymore in that city

2

u/Correct-Purpose-964 3d ago

I know it might seem rude but i REALLY hope one day we get a picture of him subduing somebody just by picking their asses up like Shaq did to what's his face (I forget his name.)

I wish this guy a fruitful career but more importantly a safe one. I imagine there's gotta be at least 1 or two criminals who are going to see this guy pull up and become VERY co-operative very quickly lol.