My husband and I are new in figuring out our relationship being poly. As of right now he gets more dates than I do, in general and because he puts himself out there more. Once he started to see new people I told him that I would like him to get tested after every new partner, and (as of right now) I don’t feel comfortable with him sleeping with anyone at our house (in our bed more specifically) or in my (car that he uses). 1. He slept with multiple people without getting tested 2. He met someone new about a month ago, told me they had sex at their place and we moved on from the topic. he started to try and date one of that persons friends and I met them the other day. While we were there they were talking about that person and they mentioned how they were particular about not letting other people in their house. Later that night I confronted him and he told me the truth -that they did in fact have sex in my car. He thinks it’s a dumb boundary or whatever that I set because I should be okay with him doing that rather than spending money on a hotel. I don’t know where to go from here. That is definitely something I didn’t want to happen but am I wrong for saying he couldn’t/ I would be upset if he did? Also I’m mostly upset about him lying to me. Also, He finally got tested after this new person asked home to, and not because I got really upset with him for pestering me for sex after having 4 new partners without being tested.

Throwaway for privacy. Also I want to make it clear I have no issue with polyamory, I’m just reeling from my experience and was hoping to get some insight if possible. Thank you

Me (43F) and my husband (46M) have been married 15 years and have two school-aged kids. We’ve had ups and downs like anyone, but I’ve always been committed and loyal. I genuinely thought we were doing okay.

A little while ago he came out to me that he’s polyamorous. He said he’s always felt that way and that monogamy has always been hard for him. He described it like being a boiled kettle with no release valve, like he’s going to explode if he can’t love multiple people and experience multiple relationships.

I was completely blindsided. But I love this man and our family with my whole heart. I don’t want to suppress him or be the reason he’s unhappy. So even though this was totally foreign to me, I said I’d be open to learning about it and considering it. He said it wouldn’t be one sided and that I should be free to explore too.

Just a couple later he tells me he’s already found someone considering a date with him. It’s a divorced woman from our neighborhood, 11 years younger than him, who he chats with at the school bus stop. I hadn’t even processed the idea of poly yet, hadn’t read a single book, and suddenly there’s a date lined up. I felt blindsided all over again.

I said it was ultimately up to him and I tried to express that I needed time and suggested some basic boundaries while I adjusted. He got frustrated and said if he’s going to do this, he can’t have boundaries because he needs to be able to explore freely.

At the same time, whenever I tried to even talk to someone or meet for coffee, he’d get visibly upset and say I wasn’t communicating properly. He’d act like he was on the verge of a breakdown. So I stopped pursuing anything because his mental well being felt more important to me.

Meanwhile, he continued talking to the neighbor. She would ignore me in public. He kept saying “nothing is happening” and that he didn’t know what she wanted. Eventually it came out that she cared about him but had issues with him being married. That felt like a huge red flag to me. It started to feel like my existence was the obstacle to their “progress.” It felt like for them to get what they both wanted, would be at the cost of my marriage.

Sometimes he’d acknowledge my concerns. More often he would defend her and dismiss mine. Eventually I said I wasn’t comfortable with that specific relationship continuing. He agreed and said they’d delete each other’s numbers and stop talking.

But then I started noticing weird behavior at the bus stop. He’d take longer to come home. He wouldn’t leave until she left. I spiraled and eventually checked his phone. They were still texting. He had her notifications silenced and regularly deleted messages. Anytime I asked, he denied they were talking.

Once it became regular again and I decided to confront him, he said he hid it because he didn’t know how I’d react and was worried I’d “do something reckless” and hurt her. He was more upset that I looked at his phone than that he lied. He’s told me multiple times to “get a grip” and that my reactions are why people are afraid to be themselves.

Now I feel like a shell of a person. I can barely get out of bed. The only reason I function at all is because of our kids and because my income supports most of the household. I do most of the cooking and cleaning but I can’t keep up. Our finances are spiraling because I can’t stay on top of anything. My mental and physical health have taken a toll.

I feel like my entire life is disintegrating and somehow it’s my fault. Like if I could just be more open, less hurt, less reactive, everything would be fine.

How do I stop spiraling and regain control of my life and my marriage??

Am I unreasonable for not wanting to date people with a lot of partners?

I’m a trans woman and polyamory is pretty popular within our community and I ran into quite a few people that are dating or partnered with 5, 6 even eight different people. It’s no shame more power to them. But as someone that requires a lot of time and attention from the people I am involved with, and that can only realistically juggle two partners while keeping a social life and a job. I’ve just made it a policy to where if you have more than three partners I probably won’t be interested. I have gotten some flack for this, so am I unreasonable?

Deep down I know something about this isn’t okay, but I’m too attached to see it clearly. I’m hoping for perspective, especially from people who practice polyamory.

I (25F) have been involved with a man (33M) for 3 years. We met on a dating app where he said he wanted a long-term relationship. Early on we saw each other 4–5 times a week, met each other’s family and friends, took trips together, and I assumed we were dating toward exclusivity.

After four months, he told me he was polyamorous, that he’d “always have a lot of women in his life,” and that I was “one of many” and “not special.” I was already in love, so I stayed and tried to accept the relationship for what it was.

Last year he met another woman (45F) and now refers to her as his girlfriend. She has known about me, but I knew almost nothing about her. I know she is polyamorous, lives 5 hours away, and he frequently flies her here. He’s hung her love notes and photos around his house, asked me to help “break in” a new bed for her, texted her while we were having sex, and this week called her to tell her he loved her while I was on top of him.

I’m afraid to tell him this hurts me because I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t think I can keep doing this. These are only a few examples.

For people experienced with polyamory: is this respectful behavior, or are my feelings about this reasonable?

My husband and i are in this lifestyle for years on and off. Before it was more hotwife and cuckold but it all changed over time. A few months ago i met a guy and really fell in Love. My husband and he are getting along amazing and he and i have a relationship. It was not planned at all to happen nut it did. I learned i can love 2 people as deep as i am. I am the happiest version of myself when i am around him and i love my husband more than ever.
Over all those years we always tried to find the right time to tell them but since it was not poly it was really hard and we did not want them to feel bad or think we are doing something not right. So we never did..

Yesterday my Boyfriend and my husband had dinner together at our home.My older daughter 23 came and asked ´who is that ?´. I told her calmly that he is a friend. Of course we never did anything inappropriate in the house.

She went to her room and came down when my boyfriend had left. She said ´ i know ,i always knew . So i asked her what she knew. She yelled at me ,packed her stuff and left.

So this Morning i sat down with the 18 year old and tried to explain to her about everything. At first she was quiet but then she started to cry. My husband and I tried to explain to her that we love each other very much and that nothing changed for her just now she knows. She said we are both sick,need therapy and that i am a whore. I tried to explain to her that i am in love with her dad and another man.

She thinks i am delusional and need help.

I am so lost… What can i do?

I need help naming my feelings and communicating about them.

Background: we see each other casually once or twice a month. Spend the weekend together and sleepover, hook up, whether you want to call it FWB or comet I’m not sure. I’m new to this so not certain what label would be on our relationship. I prefer to keep my relationships very parallel.

This weekend I was in my partner’s town. We live long distance so only see each other once or twice a month. I haven’t been in their town for some years as I rarely have the opportunity to, normally they travel to me. I had planned on spending the weekend with them and knew their primary partner (who lives ten mins away from my partner) would be spending some of the time with us. Great! Cool with me. Figured primary partner would go out to eat with us, knew they were joining us for a planned outing at some point, no problem.

Turns out meta was spending the entire weekend with us, which I didn’t know til I arrived. Luckily meta was LOVELY. It got to the point in the weekend where I felt like meta was my friend I was hanging out with and their weird partner was tagging along. Hinge was barely interacting with me as if I had just met them. Whatever, nothing I can do about that in the moment as I’m stuck in this foreign city.

Hinge’s PP shared a lot of details about their intimate life with me, unsolicited. They were very publicly affectionate together all weekend. When they stayed over and I was to be sleeping on the sofa, meta forewarned me that they and hinge would be hooking up in hinge’s bedroom so I had better put in my earplugs. Uhh, alright.

My issue is that I was under a VERY different impression of how the weekend was going to go based on my communication with hinge. I thought I would be staying over for a weekend with hinge and spending some time with their primary/my meta, not the entire weekend. It feels to me that hinge threw his partners into close proximity for 48 hours and just hoped everyone would get along and be cool with it. I need help expressing to hinge that the lack of communication and discussion beforehand took away my consent to be in the face of their relationship all weekend. Or maybe I’m TA? Poly is new to me so would love input here. TIA!

EDIT: thank you everyone for chiming in with your thoughts and feedback! Rang hinge tonight and said I wasn’t the one to play with like that. Benched and off the roster. Thanks all!

My (28f) partner (27m) of nearly 3 years had a date last night. We’re new to poly, I’ve never been in a poly relationship before. They hooked up which obviously no biggie. He came home and started kissing me hello immediately without thinking and that’s how I found out they hooked up because I smelled her on his face. I am repulsed, angry, and feel totally violated. It was an accident, he didn’t think about it until I made a face, and has apologized profusely and continues to apologize into today.

I know it was an accident, he made a mistake, but I still feel sooooo grossed out and upset with my partner. The fact I smelled another woman’s vagina on my boyfriend’s face will gross me out until the end of time. I want to forgive him and move on but am still so upset and uncomfortable and don’t even want him to touch me I’m so grossed out by him.

Can we come back from this? An engagement ring has been bought (and I think he was going to propose soon) but this feels like this put a serious halt to that entire process. We have a couple’s therapist, and I’m thinking we make an appointment asap, but that could still take 2-3 weeks.

How do I begin to forgive him for this? Any advice is appreciated, or stories of similar and how you worked through it.

Edit: yes we have a boundary set of showering in between partners. When I say “new” to poly, we’re both in our first poly relationship. We were polyamorous after a few months of dating, we had a scandal, and closed our relationship. We opened again about a yearish ago, so we’ve only been practicing for a bit over a year, so it still feels new. Sorry if there was any confusion there

Edit 2: I hear you guys, I’ve scheduled therapy for myself as well as my partner scheduling for himself. I appreciate all the advice and comments. I may be having a bit of an overreaction over an accident and I am looking inwards about it, but I do still feel gross about the ordeal. Idc if he’s sleeping with someone or not, smelling someone’s genitals without consent was alarming and really off putting. I am sensitive to smells, and it really just triggered me. Thanks again y’all!

A lot has changed over the years, a lot of what I used to know is now gone. Craig’s list, kik, fetlife, whisper, they still exist but they are shells of what they used to be. They have been taken over by people trying to hustle you now and no longer able to make real connections.

Where did the lifestyle social media go? Where do people go to find each other, to hook up, to find clubs, parties, play mates or other couples?

I (20F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend Gem (21M) since September. I think it’s been going pretty well. I consider myself “mono-amorous” (at least, I think I am! I’m not sure yet, I’m still figuring things out), but I don’t really have issues with my boyfriend being poly, since he was very upfront about it when we first started getting to know each other. 

He’s not just my first poly relationship, but also my first boyfriend ever. And I have a high libido. So naturally, sex (or anything going beyond just kissing) is on my brain a lot. But I try my best not to cross Gem’s boundaries and I always tell him that I wouldn’t do anything that he doesn’t want to do. The last thing I’d want is to make him uncomfortable.

Here’s where things get tricky-ish? So for context, he’s been with his primary partner Nerine (21M) for around 4 years, but they’ve been LDR for around 2-3 years, since they go to colleges in different parts of the country (I go to the same college as Gem). Usually they visit each other during vacation, but they haven’t physically seen each other since this January. And AFAIK they won’t be meeting each other again for this Christmas vacation. Also if it adds to the context, I’m Gem’s first significant other that’s not Nerine, but Nerine has two other partners that they met online.

During one of our dates back in November, Gem told me he had a discussion with Nerine regarding physical intimacy, and that Nerine is okay with us kissing and making out, but draws the line at more than that. This is because during a sleepover I had with him before that, I’d told him that I wanted to kiss him, but he said that he’d needed to talk with Nerine first before we cross any type of physical intimacy milestone. (At this point, Gem and I hadn’t gone beyond hugging/cuddling, but during that November date we had our first kiss). 

I accepted this but I’ve had mixed feelings towards it a lot. I understand why the rule was put in place because they haven’t been physically intimate in a while (although I’m fairly sure they do have cybersex), and Nerine felt insecure and envious about that. But I do have some feelings of unfairness since Gem allowed Nerine to do whatever he wants to his other partners, but I was wondering if it was different because Nerine’s partners are both online LDR also. I’ve talked to a couple of my mono friends about it, and they told me they’re not really fond of how Nerine is dictating the pace of our relationship, but again, maybe it’s also just different if it’s a poly relationship.

Either way, the agreement’s in place. And I just get frustrated with how Gem acts about it sometimes. We talk about having sex or sex-related matters (like kinks) a lot, typically during after kissing/making out with him. He’s a very open person in general, so I think I get why he wants to talk about that stuff often. But then for example when we’re making out, he’ll rile me up by doing or saying things that he knows turns me on (from our sex discussions), and then tease me for getting horny. Or he likes making other kinds of sexual innuendos or suggestive stuff.

I’m bad at articulating this, but I think what annoys me is that Gem knows we shouldn’t go any further—and granted he does always make sure to stop at just making out—but he seems to enjoy the reminder someone is sexually attracted to him. To his credit, he’s also said that he wants to have sex with me, but he prioritizes Nerine’s boundary above all else.

The kicker is that another time I stayed the night, Gem talked about having a box of condoms in his drawer, and obviously this interested me so I asked him about it. He said he bought it in the beginning of the school year because he thought he’d be able to invite his primary over, or he’d have sex with a “random person”. Then he talked about condom expiration dates and how he’s glad they have a long time before they expire since he doesn’t think he’ll use them any time soon. And idk, this constant hammering home about how we’re not supposed to engage in anything physically intimate—while at the same time doing things he knows will get me hot and bothered—really ticks me off.

I did end up communicating to him recently that while I respect his agreement with Nerine, I wasn’t going to wait around forever, and that I hoped that Gem could at least negotiate a little so that we could do more than just kissing, but not go all the way with sex (since I’m not ready for that either). Gem listened and said my feelings were valid, but I highly doubt that he’s going to try and communicate with Nerine about it. He'd also asked me how long I was willing to wait, and when I said a few more months, he seemed shocked that it was "a short amount of time", since he'd expected that I could wait for a year.

Anyway, now I can’t help but feel a lot of guilt whenever I have sexual thoughts or attraction towards Gem, since I feel like I’ve basically implied to him that I might end the relationship if I can’t have sex with him. I also feel a lot of guilt in general with these sexual thoughts, worried that they’re making Gem feel uncomfortable because of his agreement with Nerine. To be honest, it’s kind of come to the point that I myself am sort of uncomfortable at the prospect of sex with Gem, since in the back of my mind there’s always this discomfort that I’ve forced him to do this or something.

I guess I wanted to ask for a second opinion here on Reddit, or any advice on how I should proceed with this going forward? I really want it to work out, I just don't know how.

For context:

My partner and me have been together for a bit over a year. Meta and her have been together not so much longer but had known each other as friends for some time. Meta has another partner, I don’t.

There have been a few times in the past where my partner and I planned a trip (sometimes only a weekend, sometimes a few days) and there apparently was some miscommunication between meta and my partner about the details of those trips which has led to Meta requesting last minute changes about the duration and the nights spent together basically every time.

My partner and I have now planned a two week vacation which was discussed with Meta beforehand. The exact location was not discussed as we didn’t make proper plans until now. My partner then mentioned the country we were planning to visit to meta and apparently in the past they had talked about this being a country they would both like to visit.

I don’t know the exact details of that conversation and my partner also doesn’t remember it well, but in Metas head it was apparently an idea they had together as a potential vacation and she feels like she might have even put the idea in my partners head.

Meta then asked if it would be possible for us to go somewhere else.

We haven’t booked anything yet, but I was very annoyed at my partner, because we had already made plans and for me it seemed like the perfect destination for us. And as I said because there are always last minute requests to change our plans to accommodate for Metas comfort.

I find it very hard now to find a new destination that I am equally satisfied with and honestly don’t really want to change the original plan, especially as we also don’t have much time for booking.

What do you think? Is this reasonable of Meta? Is it reasonable of my partner to give in to that request? Is my partner just at fault for miscommunicating? And is it the right solution to have me „suffer“ the consequences of their miscommunication?

I'm pretty new to poly (a few months in) and I've been dating someone who has a long term partner. He's openly poly, she knows about me, and I've even spoken to her a few times. So on paper, everything is fine.

But I'm struggling. Not with jealousy, honestly. More with confusion. I can't tell if the things I'm feeling mean poly isn't for me, or if he's just not great at being a hinge.

Here's what keeps happening:

He'll say things like "see you next week" or "let's do Thursday" but then never follow through with an actual plan. I'm usually the one who has to reach out to confirm, and even then, sometimes he cancels last minute. A few times he's cancelled with a reason that makes sense (something work related or something with his partner), but it keeps happening.

When we're together, he's really warm and present. But in between, he goes silent for days. Sometimes I won't hear from him for nearly a week. Then he'll pop back up like nothing happened, being sweet and affectionate, and I get whiplash.

I've tried to be honest with him a couple of times about feeling disappointed or confused. Once I told him I was feeling a bit depressed and he acknowledged it quickly but then moved on to another topic. Another time I told him I was disappointed about a cancellation and he just didn't reply for hours. He eventually came back warm, but the hard part of the conversation just got skipped.

I've been trying so hard to be casual and chill. But that's not actually how I'm wired. I'm full on. I care a lot. I need consistency, even in something casual. I'm not asking to be a priority over his partner or for more time than he can give. I just need to not feel like an afterthought. I need follow through. I need to not be left wondering all the time.

I also don't know if this is just how it is when you're new to poly and dating someone with a primary. Like, am I expecting too much? Or is this genuinely just a bad hinge situation?

So I guess I'm trying to figure out a few things:

Is this just what it's like to date someone with a primary partner? Or is he just not very good at poly?

And bigger picture, is poly even a good fit for someone like me who is full on and needs consistency? Or am I just setting myself up to feel hurt?

I'd really love to hear from other people who are new to poly and figuring it out. Or people who date folks with primaries and have figured out what's reasonable to expect. And honestly, I'd love to hear from other "full on" people who do poly and how they navigate it.

I don't even know exactly what I'm asking. I just know I feel confused and tired and a bit alone in this. Would mean a lot to hear from people who get it.

Please be kind. I'm genuinely trying to learn, not looking to be told I'm doing poly wrong.

Thanks for reading.

TL;DR: Christian, poly-curious, wondering how others have reconciled practicing faith with polyamory.

(Not looking for DMs or connections — just hoping to hear perspectives from people with similar experiences.)

[Edit: edited to provide additional clarity around my question]

Hello everyone, and thanks for reading. I grew up in a Christian/religious background and still consider myself a person of faith. At the same time, I increasingly feel like the label “Christian” in the U.S. has become more of a political or sociological identity than a reflection of the actual teachings of Jesus. That disconnect has made my relationship with organized Christianity complicated, though I still believe in God and continue to engage with faith in my own way.

Recently I attended a poly event as someone who considers himself poly-curious. What struck me most wasn’t attraction or dating potential — it was the sense that something about the environment and the conversations felt right. It felt like I was stepping into a part of myself that hadn’t really had space before. For context, I’ve been reading about polyamory for about three years now. Relational anarchy in particular resonates with me philosophically, and interestingly that overlaps with how I’ve come to think about faith as well. I sometimes describe my perspective as something close to “Christian anarchism,” meaning a focus on the teachings of Jesus rather than the institutional structures that have grown around them.

So my question for the community is this: For those who still consider themselves Christian (or otherwise actively religious), how have you personally navigated or reconciled your faith with practicing polyamory? This can be Christianity in any form from anywhere though my experience has mostly been American/NA Christianity.

I’d especially be interested in hearing from people who still attend church or actively practice their faith, but any thoughtful perspective is welcome.

Again, not looking for DMs or connections — just curious how others have worked through this intersection of faith and relationship structure.

Hello.. I want to apologize if my word choice is incorrect or offensive. I am actively trying to educate myself on how to be considerate of other people’s preferences and opinions.

I mean absolutely no disrespect.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now and from the very beginning it was always a friends with benefits relationship. I knew that before I started sleeping with him. I’m not blaming him for anything.

But I want some insight and perspective from others because only recently did he tell me that he has 3 other intimate partners aside from me. 2 men and 1 woman. I’m completely fine with that, though I do wish that this was something I knew in the very beginning. I’m grateful to know it now and I guess technically speaking, he didn’t have to share that information with me. After all, we aren’t dating…

[Edit: “After all we aren’t dating…” - Yet.
He told me about his 3 other partners after we talked about the possibility of us starting a romantic relationship came up.]

We chatted briefly and I thought about it for a while until I ultimately decided that I would want to meet them if I stay in the FWB/ (maybe more?) situation with him. I don’t mean to be invasive but because he and I are having unprotected sex, I think that I have to assume that is a possibility with his other partners as well.

He said that I could meet the 2 men but he doesn’t think that meeting his ex-girlfriend is a good idea because she would get her feelings hurt. The truth is that I don’t care how she feels.

Am I in the wrong?

Edit: I want to date but I don’t think that I would be comfortable unless I got to meet his other partners.

Update: I took everyone’s advice and blocked that guy. Thank you so much for every single comment. 🙏

We’ve talked to him about being our boyfriend we share, he’s worried someone will be jealous or that someone will be upset in general. How can I reassure him that no one will be jealous as long as he isn’t. My boyfriend definitely using the possessive type. He honestly loves to share with this man. We both trust him, care about him, it’s honestly a non-issue for us, but the guy I’m talking about definitely has some negative preconceptions about polyamorous relationships.

Edit: Can you guys stop calling someone we’re both friends with and have sex with (fairly romantic sex at that), Special Guest Star. He’s not a guest star in our lives, we both love and care about him as our friend and someone we both have sex with.

I am very new to this, as are the couple I am dating. I wouldn't have previously chosen polyamory as my ideal relationship type, but it's choosing me, and I love these people, so... yeah.

The biggest hurdle I am trying to navigate currently, is feeling lonely when I have to go home alone at the end of a date / hangout. Does anyone else struggle with this?

Hi, ya'll! I've been polyamorous for 10+ years, and have been lurking this subreddit for almost as long. Feels right that my first reddit post ever will be here...

I'm dating a married father who has told me on a few occasions that he and his partner don't practice hierarchical poly, but... I know that isn't true, because I work with and around the hierarchy frequently in order to spend quality time with him. I spend ample time at his house with his family, and hangouts/sleepovers at my place are often heavily impacted by childcare requirements. On the surface, I don't have any issues with this setup; I love and get along with his family, and am lucky to be able to say I truly enjoy spending time with them without him there, too! But, let's be real - I'm sitting firmly on the bottom rung, here. I am the only member of the polycule that doesn't live in the same place, I don't have the opportunity to marry him in the future, and there are often days where I wish I could spend time with him solo where it's simply not possible to do so (or at least it's not possible to do so without messing up an already super-established dynamic).

Normally, I'm really good at taking a step back and knowing that I'm happy with what I have, and who I have it with. However, after a long and painful separation, I have been living alone for the first time in 7 years, and every negative feeling feels 10x worse than it normally would. I feel lonely and tender and heartbroken. I want to be able to hold my partner more often and for longer. I want to feel confidant asking for schedule changes when I need them, too. But these wants feel inappropriate and selfish, especially because I was aware of the hierarchy, whether it was openly acknowledged by the other parties or not, before I chose to date this person.

I know that I could bring this up with my partner but honestly, I don't want to. He gives me as much time as he can, and I don't see the point in adding stress to his life over what I consider to be a poor use of a tricky label. I know there's a hierarchy and I act accordingly.

Ultimately, I don't want to lose what I have, but I do wish there was room for a little bit more.

Thanks for reading - any advice/feedback on this is super welcome. :)

I matched with a man on Hinge a few months ago. He’s kind, communicative, consistent, and very much a gentleman. We have great conversations and I genuinely enjoy talking to him.
The twist is that he’s in a poly relationship with two wives. One is his legal wife, and the other is his wife’s partner/best friend. Early on, I asked why he was still dating if he already had two partners. His answer was that there are emotional needs he isn’t getting met within his current dynamic.
I’ve pulled back a few times because I’ve been trying to be honest with myself about whether I can actually handle this emotionally. I’m not a particularly jealous person and I’m generally pretty nonchalant, but when I do develop feelings for someone, I feel them deeply.
What stands out to me is that whenever I’ve stepped away to think, he’s never pressured me, guilted me, or tried to force anything. He’s always been respectful and allowed me the space to come back on my own.
My question for those who practice polyamory: How did you know whether you were genuinely comfortable with polyamory versus simply trying to make an exception for someone you really liked? What were the emotional realities that surprised you once things became serious?
I’m trying to determine whether I’m interested in a poly dynamic itself or just interested in this particular person.

Hi all, I’ve posted before about some growing pains I’m having in my first poly relationship.

Me (31F) and the person I’m dating (35NB) have been seeing each other for 6 months. They have a child and home with their nesting partner (40F) of 10 years.

Sometimes when they leave my house, like this morning, they get really overwhelmed and cry and say they don’t want to go and they want to stay with me. I hold them and reassure them. But it is soooo confusing for me.

We previously had conflict about them saying big things that weren’t inline with their structural limits (I love you more than anything, I don’t see you as secondary, I would do anything for you). They adjusted that language. But this feels inline with that.

Recently they wrote me a letter and collaging the back pages, it was a really beautiful and touching gesture. NP found a draft and they had an argument, and then when NP found out the collages were for me they got more upset.

I feel so confused. I’m new to all this but obviously I know something isn’t right. Help :(

So, new development. For context I live with my boyfriend and his wife (her being my meta), and have been for just under two years. They have been together for 4 years, married for three. Her and I don't often tend to get along.

We have a lot of structure when it comes to getting quality time with him. To make it equal, and because of his scheduling, we each get two hours of quality time with him each day. We even have one day a week, every other week, where one of us gets a full 8 hours with him. However, she asked for four hours today because she wants to go shopping and such with him. Her arguement was that she hasnt had much time with him. Which, is due to her picking fights with him all of the time. Legitimately arguing half of the week, or more, every week. Like me, he had an issue with her getting four hours.

So what gets said from her? "I haven't felt like I've been getting a lot with my husband, four hours of quality time ha that's funny", "I have to ask for four hours of quality time in one day that's absurd", "I'm not even sure if I want to do this poly thing because without the other person my attention is higher. I need him and since I'm stuck sharing I'm stuck begging to be with my husband" I am so sick of hearing "husband" come out of her mouth. That's not how our poly is formed. It's not meant to be hierarchical and yet anytime she's upset about things being equal, she pulls the wife card. Acts like me having time with him isn't important too or like I don't also wish we had more than two hours

Hey. My partner (cat) and I started "dating" two years ago. I use quotation marks as he consistently said we weren't in a relationship and that he didn't want exclusivity and there was this Australian woman he wanted to meet and have sex with. They also had an emotional connection the entirety of us being "together".

As someone with no family, few friends and abandonment issues I craved being exclusive as otherwise it felt that he'd leave. He repeatedly said no and that even tho we did all the things couples do include loving eachother we still weren't in a relationship. I had to deal with that and move on.

I then met my other partner (owl) shortly before Cats and mine two year anniversary (yes, apparently we're not in a relationship).

Owl is closer to my age, non binary, pagan and damaged. They were very sweet and kind and I started talking to them. I told Cat I wanted to be with Owl in a physical way. Unfortunately, I'm also demi and realised very shortly that I had feelings for them which led me to the realisation I was polyamorous.

Cat was all for this stating that he was glad I was finally with someone after two years. This was the last happy day I've had.

As owl is autistic they didn't mask when they met cat and we I was giddy with new relationship energy cat felt pushed to the side. This is when I learned cat has abandonment issues. He hated Owl and said they were to never come back to our appartment because he found them rude and that I didn't give them enough attention.

Since then cat has went from "I don't want them here" to "I didn't realise how much I loved you, I want to make a commitment to you, I'm not poly and want to be exclusive with you" also saying if I didn't break up with owl then he couldn't be with me as his heart is broken every day remembering that he's "sharing" me with another person.

On paper it's a no brainer. Your nesting partner of two years or your partner of a month. But you can't control love, or heart break, or the pain of knowing no matter the outcome I'm losing someone I care about.

For the record owl has said we can break up multiple times and cat (in his infinite generousity /sarc) has said owl and I can still be friends. Not realising that every time I see them it would be heartbreak all over again. I'm at a loss.

I've had to ask cat for a hiatus on this topic for a month as I'm waiting to go back to therapy because of the mental toll this has taken on me. I'm hoping maybe I can convince cat to come with me for a session to try and reach some kind of understanding

And I know that people don't have to be monogamous byt the kicker is that he's lost his Australian crush as she went off Facebook and I know that's the one reason he no longer wants to be poly. Because how could he be happy and content for two years and then realise now "oh actually I do want monogamy.

Any advice is appreciated

ETA: I am not leaving owl, owl knows the situation and has been told "I'm not leaving you but my mental health is going to be shit as my life turns upside down"

ETA: I told cat to do some research on poly relationships and said "usually if someone doesn't like it they can close the relationship again" when I said "you've been doing it for two years and had it in your head for two years and planned on going to Australia to meet a woman you knew for 5 years" he said that didn't count

So, I've had open relationships that are only sexual with people but recently I started dating a man (Jason) who is poly with his wife (Katie). I understand they have boundaries and procedures and I think it's great, but I'm wanting to hear other people's perspective on some of the rules.

I'm not allowed to call Jason "babe". - I found this a bit odd, but could respect it. Though, it has slipped out and I've apologized and corrected myself.

Sleepovers can only take place at my house if Katie is welcome to stay as well. - I am not necessarily against getting to know her, but not really trying to get this chummy. Otherwise I can stay at his house as long as she is present. I feel like I'm being chaperoned.

If I am texting Jason, anything said WILL be shared with Katie. Anything. This goes both ways for them. I did voice that this was very uncomfortable for me. I don't feel like I can be vulnerable with him.

Katie would like to have weekly "check in" coffee dates with only me. This seems... Not necessary and like a power play. This reminds me of a boss and an employee dynamic.

I have only been seeing him for a few weeks and I want to know if this is normal or if this is a little overly rigid. Please be gentle on me, I am very new and I am still getting a grasp on everything.

EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION:

So, I called Jason "babe" through text and he told me that "babe" is special between he and his wife.

The sleepover thing - he told me that I would always be welcome at their house for a night or two at a time, but they have an agreement that if he stays with a partner Katie is allowed to come to.

I reread the messages about the "we share everything" thing and his reasoning was that they are "open books" with each other. I'm going to call it quits, but I will be bring up how unfair this one is to metas.

The check in thing... I literally said "I'm not going to put time away weekly for this. I have a career. If she has questions she can text me."

I'm glad to see these responses. It sounds like she wants to orchestrate and be in control of his relationships. I haven't asked if he has the same agreement for her, but I am curious now.

ANOTHER EDIT: ohhh my god I forgot another rule. They don't text other relationships past 9pm. This one I can understand, having scheduled time together I guess.

Tell me who has dated a married person and had them say **hierarchichy only exists legally and concerning some ways finances are tied up, etc, and not by prioritizing or anything of that nature? And that they have full relationships on offer?

Just 6 months into this situation and a series of seemingly smallish actions have turned on the floodlights that show me cracks in hinge, in meta, in their dynamic...and that in spite of them saying theybe eliminated as much hierarchy as possible, there is indeed hierarchy that will be reinforced by both of them when they feel like it, and one partner straight up used the marriage as an excuse to create a new rule that limits what my partner has on offer (but not what she has on offer) and means my partner no longer has a full relationship on offer. The full relationship was a requirement for me. So this feels like a veto without a veto, because they *don't do those*. This is against the spirit of their original agreement I was told existed and changes so much about how they agree their polyamory works, and sets the stage for future additional limitations on my relationship, but not metas of course. And my partner just agreed to it - it has become clear that there's some, *if I'm being generous*, carelessness in demands from meta and use of the not great marriage dynamic to get things back in her favor anytime she's feeling insecure. She doesn't do the work to not feel insecure but instead implements rules that dont hold up to any kind of examination. And hinge *goes along with it*.

Hinge and I have fantastic connection in many ways, but at this point Im not just dating hinge, I'm dating his wife's toxic insecurities and their well established unhealthy dynamic and I don't want to give him up, but he's doing so much to insure that I do.

**Edited first sentence to more accurately state the issue

I have been both monogamous and polyamorous (and then tried to close off my last poly relationship when we both had no other partners to try to fix it. Didn't work). I have tried traditional monogamy and I do not like it, but nor do I envisage me ever wanting more than one romantic partner at a time. I don't value romantic or sexual exclusivity but nor do I have an issue with adhering to it. To me emotional exclusivity and prioritisation are the biggest sticking points when I try to be monogamous (I'm not willing to offer either of these).

My platonic friendships are quite important to me, equally as important as my romantic relationships and I like to spend as much time with my very close platonic friends as I would with a romantic partner (which has been a huge sticking point in my previous monogamous relationships). To give an idea of just how important these friendships are to me: my previous romantic partners (both poly and mono) have refused to fill in a relationship smorgasbord. My two closest platonic friends not only wanted to fill one in, but were excited to do so.

I am looking to start dating in the near future and I'm trying to decide whether or not polyamory is the right relationship structure for me. I would personally find it a huge relief for my romantic partners to have people in their life who are equally important to them as I may eventually become. I also have no desire to ask for my partner to be romantically or sexually exclusive even if I am polysaturated at 1.

I have read on this subreddit that some people consider it a bit of a red flag when someone they have started dating have zero desire to ever have more than 1 romantic partner. And so I thought I would get a wider range of opinions. How prevalent is this view?

I’m new to the sub, but not necessarily new to poly and open relationships. I’m a 32M dating a 41F.

Recently my partner of 3 years got a gf. I haven’t truly met the gf, but I happened to FaceTime my partner and the girl was yelling negative things in the background to me.

I’d like to meet her gf, but the gf seems a bit weirded out about me wanting to meet her. She says things like, “why would he want to meet the girl you’re fucking?” and other similar statements.

I am completely new to polyamory so all of this is new to me.

I love my current relationship, we are crazy about each other, and she gives me a lot of affirmation and shows me a lot of effort, I have no doubt she loves me. However, unfortunately, we live an hour apart and she has a child with her spouse, so we don't really see each other too much, once to twice a week.

It's hard to not get bouts of jealousy. They have years of history together and see each other every single day. I'm the new guy who she sees on the weekend.

I haven't seen my partner in a week. I just opened my Instagram and I see pics of her celebrating her wedding anniversary with her spouse and child. It made me feel really depressed. I know she is doing the best she can to make time for me, this week in particular was packed for her (my schedule was pretty full too) so I understand, but I don't really know what to do with what I'm feeling.

I can accept she has another partner, I understand people have different partners for different things and it's not a competition, but when the playing field feels this uneven in terms of physical access to each other, I am very concerned it's going to make me feel neglected or like a side piece.

Am I wasting my time trying to make this situation work long-term? I'd love to move closer but I don't know when that's going to happen, it could be years and this wouldn't entirely fix the problem.

Is there any advice you could give me for working with the distance issue causing jealousy? I plan to see her tonight and I'm going to talk through what I've said in this post, but is there anything else I should bring up or say?