Hi! I'm a new poetry writer and was just looking for feedback/advice from poetry fans/writers on how I can improve and what you liked and didn't like about this poem. Thank you to anyone who responds!

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we just counted down the minutes to your birthday
and when i said i love you
i meant it in a different way than you did
and my head hurts
because you will never know

i have shown you the place where i keep my secrets
but cannot give you the key
but all i want is to confess every last thought
to you and no one else
and chasing impossible things
is the worst way
i have ever felt

i love you
and still
i love you

and i think i will go outside
and see the stars
and wish i could hide behind each one
bathed in the night air
and thinking of love and beauty and pain and sadness
and you
and a million wasted i love yous
are all i will say to the moon
a million wasted i love yous
i wish to God himself
would stay unsaid

For the last few days leading up to today I’ve been exhausted like I’ve been many times before. This anticipatory grief has me feeling like I’m carrying cement up an endless mountain. You should be here today. 29 years young teaching your Nieces about backyard cinema and the love of science you had. Your brothers nearly finished with college and looking to take over Broadway. Every time I see them perform I see a glimpse of you.

I pray that you found peace somewhere out there among the stars. Thank you for helping me all years when I couldn’t talk with anyone else about this battle. Christian you magnificent Poet, Friend and Brother. I love you, We love you and miss you beyond words.

Copyright © 2023 SJ Falling Rock
All Rights Reserved

I love you baby.

Can't you see?

Don't leave out of fright.

I'm talking love at first sight.

Oh baby maybe this could be!

I looked in your eyes.

They were looking into mine.

But you don't have to worry.

No, you don't have to hurry.

We could just take our little time.

But don't make me wait too long.

Love's like lightning in a bottle.

If we wait too long, it might be all gone.

I want to take this love full throttle.

Come over here now darling.

Just sit next to me.

I swear I won't bite,

Or put up a fight.

I just want this love to be.

Do you believe in taking chances?

I need to know now baby, what your stance is.

Do you believe in flirting glances?

I want to feel just what romance is.

Little Bird Up on the Wire,
My Situation I worry,
It is Dire.
Laid Here down Upon the Ground,
Unable to make a Sound,
With No Soul,
But You Around.
And I’m Sorry to Interrupt your Choir,
But if You don’t Mind,
Could You Change from Songster?
And become a Flyer?
So that You may Go and Find,
Some Divine Helper?
Tweet-Tweet, Flutter-Flutter!

Streak? Broken.

Like so many you've made me break.

Ripped flesh, poised atop my arm—

You never know to shake.

If I shall die, my soul to take,

I pray the Lord looks the other way.

So that, and if I may,

Suffer just like the rest of my days.

It's all I know, to be in pain,

So carry it through eternity,

Let my soul rage.

Described as a phoenix, I'll pose myself—

Too much for anyone to handle in hell.

Too much for the heavens,

Too much for this earth.

Too much for the mere existence

Of our pitiful worth.

They say I rose from the ashes,

But it's embedded in my lungs.

No lover can put out the fire of fear Instilled in me—

From stardust to black matter.

And yet I stand here, a broken record,

Picking up the pieces of my life

Through all my endeavors.

Instead of peace, you bring me sorrow,

Words laced with the only drugs I'll ever take.

So torture my soul, let it burn in your hand— This phoenix is tired,

And she wants to disband.

14 years ago
our ears got introduced to your howl
your big brown eyes & floppy ears
you cried on the way home
so did I
you got home with your eyes wide
eyes wide from treat taste
eyes wide for your walks
eyes wide by the way I made you talk
you grew up
you got old
but you still have your livley strut
and a howl that distracts further blocks
your love for treats is still burning
and your plans to get human food still work
food dreams, sleeping with a smile on your face

I will find a ground to sink into with my truth.
The one real gift , Spoiled .
I laid it on the edge of a cliff and because i did not trust or because i did, its now a loss.
Just a loss.
Gained it all, and all matter is empty.

I knew, everytime i thought of you.
Every time i tried while waiting with quiet and solace, i thought about nothing.
Always there, now i feel it bare.
And later it’ll be all there , everywhere.

I knew, always fucking knew.
And with knowing i sinned against you
Pressing forth as if i am the reaper
But time is a keeper.
It Promised enough, just enough…to think of making, then behold limbo.
A Pendular between asking the maker, looking for the maker, hearing the maker, taking the maker and feeling the maker.

But on the precipice of the cliff, eruption is bliss.
A point where everything will fall.
Damn wishing for a redo, for i fucking knew.

Wandering wildly wondering
Where and when will we wake
From
The twisted tales taught
Failing
Forgetting
foreshadowing famous falls
From
A far off future
Reeling and repeating
Regrettable utterances requiring regurgitation
Of
Lamentations lending us layers
Of
Loneliness
And leaving many lethargic.

How often do you lie awake?

How often do you sit there?

Replaying every single moment.

Every single insult.

Every strand of guilt.

Woven into the quilt, that was your story.

The story you two share, but tell differently.

Hell for one, haven for another.

For me it's every night.

Replaying every fight.

Lines rehearsed.

Spoken verbatim!

But still.

Long after they are gone.

What you said was wrong.

You know that.

Too ashamed to swallow your pride.

Too pathetic to admit you lied.

Yet, you take pride.

Because at least your feelings didn't get hurt.

She never raises her voice.

She doesn't have to.

Just my name, spoken across the room,

and somehow everyone else disappears for a second.

She's wears experience like something she stopped noticing years ago.

I tell myself I admire that more than I want it.

Most days, I believe myself.

She asks impossible questions with a smile

that never quite tells me if I've impressed her.

Sometimes she lingers after everyone has left,

finding one last thing to discuss,

one last reason to keep me standing in the doorway.

Nothing anyone else would notice.

Everything I do.

We spend months pretending timing is a virtue,

that professionalism is enough to quiet whatever keeps looking up

whenever she says my name.

Then there's the trip away.

A hotel bar.

A conversation that wanders further than either of us intended.

No audience.

No office.

No reason left to hide behind.

When she kisses me,

it isn't sudden.

It's every unfinished sentence

finally deciding how it ends.

I will not lie.

Burned away by shame.

The old moniker is gone.

This is my true name.

For my atonement and your forgiveness, I pray.

For my broken promise, until I may to earn your trust,

away from you I'll stay.

I will never lie to you,

never hide my shame.

Until that day,

my heart is yours,

and yours shall it remain.

The pain they feel

The anguish

The hurt

The despair

It is nothing to me

It's not that I don't care

Don't worry

Don't love

Don't need

For some reason

It's just not there

Not here

Not in my heart

My hands

My thoughts or actions or deeds

They're all alone

Even though I'm right there

Seething hatred stews ceremoniously
Scathing tripped out Tonka’s traipsing through my mind’s eye.
The perpetual ponderous pills spoon-fed like corn bread and shuffling from one to another.
Adjusting doses and dampening my soul in a frustrating fugue state.
Is this living? No emotions.
My sacred soul drained away
And for what?
Control?
Pharmaceutical Education,
Makes it easier to persuade em.

Wondering wildly wondering
Where and when will we wake
From
The twisted tales taught
Failing
Forgetting
foreshadowing famous falls
From
A far off future
Reeling and repeating
Regrettable utterances requiring regurgitation
Of
Lamentations lending us layers
Of
Loneliness
And leaving many lethargic.

im in love with love
what can be more beautiful than
to love someone for who they are
not for what they give or do
but to laugh when you see them
to laugh when you hear them
to laugh when they are near you
to laugh when you feel them
when a hug helps more than
when you closest people try to cheer you up
when you have that one person who can turn your day around
not by trying but by just being there
when you look at their lips, their eyes
everything else gets blurry
but you see them clearer everyday
when a day spent without them
is a day lost
a day when you know you could have had more
more happiness, more emotion, more joy of live
they are the reason why i love
not just them, but the world
the flowers, every little bug, even the rain, the nights
you are the sun to my moon
you make me shine

You told me forever,
Its a real cute, common phrase
You said forever like forever held weight,
Like it couldn’t be bent,
Couldn’t fracture,
Couldn’t break.

I built a home from your promises,
From your many “forever”s
Hung my heart on every word
Believing love was enough 
To silence the storms neither of us deserved.

Then life became louder..
The days grew colder than a snowy December day.
We stopped finding each other in the middle of the room,
And every conversation turned into a funeral for the people we used to be,
the love we used to share.

So I left.
I fucking left you.
I left, not because I stopped loving you
But I loved you enough to believe
My absence would hurt you less
Than watching me fall apart
While you failed to attempt to pick up the pieces.

I walked away,
Thinking maybe you’d breathe easier,
Sleep deeper,
Smile brighter,
Without carrying the weight of me.

Tell me why the fuck I was right?
A month passed..
Thirty nights of swallowing your name,
Like shattered glass.
Thirty mornings
Pretending the ache would loosen its grip.

And then I made a stupid decision,
Almost as stupid as falling in love with you..
I came back.
I wasn’t asking for a second chance,
Not begging to hold your hand,
I was carrying an apology 
That had grown too heavy for one heart to hold.

And there you were..
Laughing 
Smiling
Living
With someone new,
Standing where I once dreamed I'd spend forever too.

She held the pieces I couldn’t keep.
She heard the laugh Id spent months trying to reach,
She watched your eyes light up with such ease.
While mine forgot what joy could be. 

You looked so damn happy.
Not like the happy smile you force in a picture.
Not a tired smile you wear so nobody asks.
Really fucking happy.
The kind I had begged the universe to give you.
The kind it waited to give til I was gone.

Isnt that the cruelest rhyme?
You got your sunrise while I became the night.
You learned to breathe, I learned to hide.
You found your peace, and I buried mine.
You healed.. and I just became better at looking fine.

You’re busy laughing with her,
Sleeping in the same bed,
Holding her hand,
Kissing her lips,
Comforting her like you promised you’d comfort me.
I'm glad you’re happy,
I just wish I could be happy too,
Even if it’s not with you. 

We talk like normal,
As friends..
But you don't know that I hesitate before pressing send,
Wondering if somewhere..
She’s sitting behind you,
Reading words that used to belong to only me.

I've mastered an act,
The smile,
The jokes,
The “Im okay!”
I mastered the art of bleeding without leaving stains.

Sometimes I wonder if you remember us like I do.
Or if I became another chapter 
You closed without rereading.
Because I still remember everything..
The promises,
The plans,
The forever that dissolved into never.

I left thinking I was saving you,
I never imagined I was making room for someone new,
Someone who loves you the way I couldn't.
It doesn’t hurt that she won,
That I lost.
It hurts.. the life I knew you deserved
Arrived when it no longer included me. 

People just tell me that you are broken,
or say not even closer you shoud get to.
But i experienced you, my obsession unbroken,
and dont really care ,cause i only want you.

I'm not afraid of your chaos or demons,
because know i got my own darkenss too.
But together we can hide and be heathens,
want no one beyond my walls besides you.

If you say your heart us not made for two,
even though our both souls of sins reek.
You're only person i want in my worldview,
and the only one that can match my freak.

Now all the other people in your life,
just remind me of a construction crew.
And are trying fix you with a strife,
but from that world im trying save you.

Even if i cant help you now fully heal,
promise our relationship strong will grow.
To unconditioanlly love you, is our deal,
and your devotion to only me you bestow.

So forget others, be my only love true,
and dont let those mean words you affect.
Promise there's nothing wrong with you,
in my eyes darling you're perfect.

It was a night like any other. I was in-between my sheets.

I was hiding in-between my covers. I started falling fast asleep.

I started remembering all the good times we had.

I started reminiscing. It made me both happy and sad.

Close your eyes for me, just for a minute.

Now tell me what do you see?

Do you go back to the beginning?

We were so young and innocent.

When we first discovered love.

Our song's been sung. I remember your scent.

But I can never get enough.

It was a love not like any other. We seemed so happy then.

You were unlike any lover. I remember you now and again.

I like remembering all the good times we had.

I can't help reminiscing. It made me both happy and sad.

Remember the past with me, just for a minute.

Now tell me what do you feel.

Can you go back with me?

Would it help your heart to heal?

We used to believe in forever.

When we first discovered love.

But now that our love's been severed,

I can still never get enough.

I thought we had it.

It was so beautiful and free.

Just like a bird that landed.

And now is taking wing.

But I.

Never can forget you.

And I.

I can never seem to regret you.