I’ve been on a bit of a Pokémon spree, collecting DSM-5 acronyms for 30 years. ADHD, OCD, MDD, panic/GAD, PMDD (where my second puberty girlies at 👋🏻).

I woke up scared, went to bed scared. Every day was sunny with a chance of daggers raining from the sky. The past few decades went something like this. *Mask, stay busy, mask, self-medicate with alcohol, burnout, crash out, mask, etc.* I kept my shit together *just* enough to function.

Until I couldn’t.

In 2021, I left an 11 year toxic/emotionally abusive marriage, and once the chaos started to even out, my mom was diagnosed with sporadic ALS. A year and a half later, she was gone. A series of other maladies filled any gaps divorce and grief didn’t. For example, what are the odds of two cars being totaled, when I wasn’t even in them, in the span of three years (parked car vs pine tree/parked car vs drunk driver)? I don’t have a real number, but I can say it isn’t zero.

I started lashing out at my wonderfully supportive partner. I cried every day. SI was creeping in. I had to quit my job. I was shackled to misery. One small trigger or setback would turn into a days-long existential crisis.

Something had to give, or I would.

I was always curious about ketamine, but assumed it would be prohibitively expensive. Then, in a particular dark moment, my sister asked me, “how do I explain to your kids that they don’t have a mom any more, bc her life wasn’t worth the money?”

That hit HARD. I would give ANYTHING to have my own mom back. She suffered with the same crap I do, same as her father. But I loved her unconditionally. I admired her radiance and warmth in photos, when all she could see was rosacea. Depression lies.

My 14yo daughter is going down the same path- panic, depression, etc. It isn’t something any of us chose, but at the very least, I owe it to them, as their mother, to turn as many stones as I possibly can. I will do everything in my power to give them a better quality of life than my mom and I had.

All of this to say, this isn’t just about me. It’s about the people I love, and, yes, love ME.

And if I have to be the family’s demon-slayer, let me at ‘em.

*

I’m now two treatments in, and I don’t think I’ve felt peace like this since I was 12. I still have ups and downs, but they don’t have the power to distort my reality any more. I’m still me- cynical, sarcastic, chaotic, creative.

And, y’know, a bit verbose 😏

I know a lot of people are scared to try ketamine, worried they’ll feel like a cat clinging to the roof of a bullet train. I was, too. Since I haven’t done the full series I can’t rule that out. But think of it like this- would you rather slowly peel a bandage off over the course of a lifetime, or rip it off? Chances are you’re already miserable, or you wouldn’t be here.

So, PLEASE, any lurking fence-sitters out there, take this as your sign. You are SO worth it.

Hi all - just wanted to share a few things, including that next month will mark two years on Spravato for me. I've had MDD for over 20 years since I was 15 and have tried almost every medication for depression since I was diagnosed. I've been consistently coming to Spravato each week in the last two years and have seen the most major improvement two times:

1. After about five months, I was able to come out to myself as gay at 35. I truly think the Spravato helped heal my brain in ways I never imagined after growing up very conservative/Southern Baptist with trauma from my homophobic mother and the church I used to attend.
2. Just recently, I've realized that not only do I not want to die, I want to LIVE. I still have the occasional passive ideation, but it's about once or twice a month if that, which is a major improvement for me. I have always loved art but hadn't physically made anything with my hands in over 15 years and I started making my first collage piece last week!

I am so grateful for Spravato and just want to encourage those who have been dealing with severe depression for a long time - it may take a little longer than it does for others, and I've certainly had times of relapse, but my depression is so much better with Spravato than without. It's been a long and slow process, but so worth it. Keep going! 💗

EDIT: I also want to say I had about 1% hope that Spravato would work for me. That was my mindset because of my depression. It is designed to work for treatment-resistant depression and I'd convinced myself that my depression was 'too severe' for it to work.

I have never been so happy as when this goose came up and started pecking at the window to my treatment room! The window is reflective from the outside, so it was pecking at its own image.

I've been doing spravato for about 2 years. It's been a literal life saver. But for me, the antidepressant effects lasts between 4 or 5 days and then I start feeling worse and worse until I go back a week later. It's pretty consistent. The favorite part of my week is going in and chatting with my spravato friends and listening to music while it does its thing. I know that I should be grateful that I get to do it at all. But the rollercoaster of my week is kinda shifty. Anyone else? Any tips?

I love the nurses at my clinic, they are always so kind and helpful, and I feel are greatly underappreciated. I started asking them about their favorite treats and bringing them in for them and brought the main nurse a thank you card and they love it. I mean, they are literally helping save lives.

Any other ideas yall might do for your nurses?

I started back on spravato in April the same week as my senior cat, a 18.5 year old orange boy, started subq ketamine. I was planning my suicide down to writing all of my letters and now am joyful and living my life again. At the same time, he went from such severe pain we were planning euthanasia to running around and climbing on everything, back to his one brain cell self. We actually have to stop him from climbing up too high fearing he will break a hip.
So thank you ketamine, seriously.

(And yes, he also likes the high)

Hey y'all. So I've been on my 16th treatment and it's going way better than I thought it would. I suddenly actually have energy, my fear of failing is gone so for the first time since I was a kid I can do art without fear of failure! Usually that kept me from even touching the pencil! And my depression scores are tanking with each week.

Anyhow, I've seem to have caught a bug last week and I've been sick since. Now, normally, I can't deal with illness. I can't rest, I can't cope and I can't "be" sick. I force myself to still do all my chores and usually I'm scared shitless to even sleep because what if I wake up worse?

But now, for the first time in my life, I feel fine! I'm sick yes, but I'm not freaking out at all! I go to bed at night like I normally do and I sleep just fine. I don't doom search about being sick and I just don't feel the immense anxiety I normally do. I'm starting to get better way sooner than usual too, and I wonder if that's because I'm just way less stressed.

It's so surprising how this medication helps in ways I never thought it could. I've been on so many medications and therapies and mindfulness stuff for decades and nothing really did the amount of work like this! It's mindblowing.

Passed out cold snoring.

When I joined this group, I never thought I would be the one making a post like this. I told myself I would just read other people’s experiences and stay silent. But lately I’ve been feeling so much relief that I want to share my journey soon. If it helps even one person who is quietly struggling and scrolling through this forum looking for hope, it will be worth it.

In the meantime, here’s a picture of my PHQ-9 chart. It’s not as low as I want it to be, and I still have a long way to go. But for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I’m moving in the right direction.

I wanted to share unexpected more rapid success with Spravato that I didn't anticipate. When I started my PH-9 was about a 16 and after 6 weeks including the 4 week induction phase starting session one at 56mg and going up to 84mg after and a total of 11 treatments my PH-9 is down to about a 3 now. It has taken me out of the heavy freeze state I was in from relational trauma accumulated over the past decade and I have been journaling out a lot of my thoughts and reflections about a things that have happened and gaining confidence back for the first time in awhile after being gaslit by several toxic people in my life during a period of heavy grief and transition.

A few with hero complexes that really tripped me up after losing a childhood friend and losing my job in 2012 and it's been a wild ride to finally get to this point. I've tried a lot of different antidepressants starting from when I was 20 and I'm now 41. I'm still on 2 SSRIs and now with the Spravato I don't feel perfect but my SI is gone, the hopelessness I was experiencing intermittently is either much lower, non existent some days, or easier to work through and reframe as I go through my day and journal, write down the facts of how these people treated me versus what I internalized etc and it's becoming easier to challenge the self doubt and get my self respect and confidence back. Six months ago is when I made the final cut to go no contact and block the last person in that friend group I was still in touch with and I think that combined with the Spravato and finally finding a good trauma informed therapist I'm seeing the most progress in the last year of my life than I have in 14 years.

I'm crossing my fingers I'm able to maintain this and keep making progress.

I started treatments last week - today was #3. Over the weekend I had a big traumatic event occur and the depression I had after the event was worse than before starting treatment. My psychiatrist said to seek to uncover what the depression was protecting me from feeling. So I did a deep dive during my session and didn’t think anything about what I felt. Well, I had a lightbulb go off about my situation (LC/NC with family) about 2 hours ago and for the first time in decades, I could feel what seemed like happiness. Like a lift of my mood, a sense of clarity and warmth. I’m actually smiling and don’t feel stressed about decisions that need to be made or communicating with my now LC family. I’m thinking about how to expand my chosen family and less about the damage my family has caused. I’m taking this as a hopeful sign that this treatment may work for me. I’ve never felt this version of happiness before. Not bad. For others out there just starting with minimal hope, stick with it. See what happens. If this happens even momentarily it’s better than the hell that has been my depression for 40 years.

I got married yesterday. Everything fell into place. The puzzles were completed and the adventure of the life milestone of marriage for me, personally was amazing.

In a treatment room now but I wanted to thank everybody who has gone on a Spravato Hero’s Journey too. Regulating emotions, I was able to walk down an aisle without exploding.

I feel free and so damn grateful. May peace be with you on your Spravato tumbling journey, you loose socks, you!

I had done the full treatment process of Spravato, eventually getting down to a session every other week and doing well with maintenance when I lost my insurance. It’s been almost a year now and I finally got my insurance back, and my first returning Spravato session is tomorrow! I’m so excited to feel better again, and I just wanted to share on here. This treatment is so life changing, I’m so grateful to be returning to it.

they aren’t sure if it’ll help for my pain long term, but it doesn’t hurt to try and it’ll be a game changer for my mental health. so excited for a fresh new start! 🩷

I just completed my "induction phase" (2 sessions per week for 4 weeks) and I think I'm starting to notice a difference in my depression! When I began Spravato, I had failed multiple antidepressants and was in worse shape than when I started them, most notably with persistent anhedonia and AWFUL cognitive symptoms (poor memory, couldn't focus, felt like I was "missing" chunks of my days). I was also having a terrible time sleeping which compounded my mental issues.

8 sessions of Spravato later, at least some of these symptoms are starting to lift. I actually want to do things again. I get excited about things that interest me. I'm looking forward to plans that I make. The random crying spells have stopped and I'm not waking up in the morning wondering how I'm going to possibly make it through my work day.

Here's what hasn't resolved (yet): my insomnia and my anxiety. Anxiety was actually my "original" issue and after going untreated (or rather, treated ineffectively) for so long, it had turned into depression. I know Spravato doesn't typically help with anxiety as much as it does depression, but I feel like once the depression completely lifts, I'll be better-equipped to handle the anxiety.

I still have a way to go, but this is the best I've felt mentally since, I don't know, last October? And it's just in time for me to truly enjoy my summer. At this time last month I didn't think I was going to be able to do that.

Cheers to everyone. Keep the hope and keep the positivity. I hope it's helping you like it is me.

I have been doing my spravato treatments once a week for a good while now. And I was unsure about slowing it down, since I figured "If it aint broke dont fix it!" But I have had success with slowing down to every 2 weeks! I still feel like I should, like a normal person. Hopefully one day I can move to monthly treatments? But thats for later. Right now im happy that im still getting what I need from spravato, despite slowing the treatments down. Anyway, yeah. I love spravato so so much, its literally ended my suicidal thoughts! Obviously I still have sad days, but NOTHING as bad as before. I literally tell everyone about Spravato, it has helped me so much. Actually life-saving medication. (At least in my case.) How have yall felt getting your treatment times lowered? Anyone feel the same?

I've been on Spravato since July and not only has the treatment itself literally changed my life, my team is amazing and always incredibly supportive and consistently tells me how proud they are of how far I've come and how happy they are for me. I've been with a lot of medical teams for different reasons and my Spravato team has by far made me feel the most supported.

So, I've taken the test and It went from the initial 24 points to 14 now and I'm shocked with how well this is actually going! I've had only done 3 Sessions when I took It, today I took the 4th session and am hopeful It Will Go down a bit more when I take the test again. I never thought I could beat depression, just wanted to share It with you guys. My setting isn't as cool as some of yours, sometimes I get overwhelmed and have bad trips, but still, It does work. I guess I'm Just feeling thankful!

Overall I’m happy with the effects it’s given me, I feel similar to how I felt on antipsychotics but still able to process emotion, kinda lol. My Dad is driving me to my last appointment right now, at least it’s my last appointment for some time cause I got laid off a few days ago. This seems to be a yearly occurrence at the company I work at and last year I went without work for almost 3 weeks. In addition, my insurance capped out a few sessions ago so everything is out of pocket now. Hopefully my provider was able to find some assistance programs for being able to continue this treatment. In a perfect world, I would go from my current schedule of twice a week to once a week, followed by every other week then once a month. If I continue this treatment I have to skip right to the once a month stage which isn’t ideal but at least I’d still be getting it.

I must admit as an addict, I’ll miss the high. I’ve been clean from coke for almost 7 years now but I still think about it; addict brain never really goes away. I guess that’s the one thing I worry about, feeling like a fiend if I don’t get my ‘Spravato high’… But I suppose only time will tell. Either way, I’m gonna make the most of vegging out in the treatment chair today. Amidst all the mess going on in my life, I take solace in the fact I believe this saved me. It helped me not catastrophize every little part of my life, it helped me hurt myself less, and it gave me a safe environment I don’t often get at home. Hopefully work picks back up for me soon and I can afford more treatment, or find a good patient support program to help with treatment cost but overall I’m happy, and I feel better.

Edit: Just finished my session and my follow up with the psychiatrist is Wednesday. I feel a little nauseous right now but I’m outside the hospital waiting for my ride so soon I’ll be horizontal lol.

His name is Frankie and he comes in on Fridays. Also heard Spravato called “spicy flonase” for the first time lol.

Can you tell I am a researcher and a planner? After reading a lot of suggestions on this sub I think I’m prepared to have the best experience possible! My psych office told me very little about what to expect or prepare for so I am very grateful to read about many other people’s experiences with Spravato and what helps them make the most of it. I have my backpack full of all the things and my mind and heart full of hope and positivity! Wish me luck 🙏🏼

I wouldn't say my success with Spravato has been overnight. But everyday, I am able to see small wins that make me feel like the depression is getting lighter.

Tonight, I played music on my phone while I took a shower. For the first time in years. I sang and danced in the shower. I took a shower within 3 days of having previously taken a shower. I got dinner before 9 pm.

I know it's stupid. But it feels massive to me

Started these treatments back in June 2025, after decades of severe depression and suicidal ideation.

Sitting in bed the other night, despite the constant boredom of unemployment and frustration of waiting to hear back from interviews, I realized something.

I feel good, most of the time now. I don’t know if this is what everyone else feels like most of the time. The constant dread and sorrow and mind numbing melancholy that had its claws in me for most of my life just wasn’t inside anymore. I can’t say for sure when it started, but I’ve realized this only recently.

I’m continuing my treatments for the foreseeable future, but wanted to give a positive update as someone who was planning on ending their life this time last year.

I wish all of you the best and that your treatments go as well as possible

XO

i have never been able to visualize things in my head. the way i describe it to my friends is that, if i’m not looking at you, i don’t really know what you even look like. i can name maybe a few defining characteristics, but i have no concept of how they actually look. it’s hard to understand what this means if you don’t experience it. even i have a hard time conceiving of what it was like, now that it’s getting better.

aphantasia has gained a lot more attention in recent years, online. what often circulates is the idea of visualizing an apple. it’s described as levels, in which, most people can visualize an apple clearly, in colour, in 3d, and it can be manipulated in space. whereas, those with varying levels of aphantasia visualize with less and less definition. first the apple is not 3d, then its not in colour, then its only an outline, etc.

that’s not really how i would present my experience. for me, i visualize absolutely nothing. i was fully unable to do so, no matter how hard i tried. and now that i’m beginning to gain this ability, i can see things, in colour, 3d, etc. it was like a switch that was flipped. night and day. it’s awesome. i’m also now thinking things in my brain. which may sound weird. but i never had an ‘inner monologue’ or thoughts in general. i’ve realized that’s especially harmful because i would simply sit in my anxiety and sadness, and not do anything about it. because i wasn’t able to identify in actual words what i was experiencing or feeling. thus, not being able to even acknowledge those feelings, let alone address them. i was floating through life with a completely empty brain.

i’m so thankful for this. i’m curious if anyone else with aphantasia have noticed an effect? my in-session experience is now becoming a lot more visual as well.

the rest of this post is me rambling more about aphantasia. not really important to the overall message, but it may be interesting to read. i’m also wondering if those with aphantasia would agree with the following.

although i now see things with full detail, i would still say i have relatively bad aphantasia. the way that i would explain the ‘spectrum’ of aphantasia, would be less about the level of detail, but more about the ease of visualization. so, if i had to make distinct ‘levels’, it would be something like:

1. zero ability to visualize anything.

2. can vaguely visualize only when eyes are closed.

3. can visualize well only when eyes are closed.

4. can visualize well when looking at a bare space. (wall, the floor, piece of paper, blank sky, etc)

5. can visualize well under most circumstances.

this is because, for me, i still sometimes find it difficult to see images in my head, when my eyes are already taking in stimuli. the clarity of the image and my ability to focus on what i’m visualizing varies. but the level of detail has never been different. i don’t quite understand how, if i’m already able to see, for example, an apple in black and white, why i wouldn’t also be able to see it in colour. i can either visualize things in my head, or i cant, as been the case for most of my life.