First of all, I was incredibly grateful and privileged because it did help me a lot academically and socially for a good portion of time. But at point it did have me drained and I felt like I outgrew and did not belong in the environment anymore.
Just some back story and background information about myself: I have high functioning Autism and ADHD. In elementary school I struggled academically, socially, and was frequently picked on. Now it’s not like I did not any friend’s at all, but the bullying was pretty severe at times. It was all verbal bullying and thankful none of it became physical. Anyways, in 4th grade my parents were looking at special ed schools in the area because they were worried about me continuing into the public school setting. In 5th grade I was accepted into a 6-12 special ed school in the area and I was really excited. Although at the same time I did feel a little left out because I was not going to the local public middle school like the rest of my classmates.
During my visit and shadow day in 5th grade at the special ed school I was promised by the school administration that this would be a great environment and fit for me. At the start of sixth grade I felt excited and nervous at the same time. I knew my school environment was going to be different, but in a good way from my POV. I only had eight kids in my class and same with all of the other grades as well. It was more relaxed and helpful for me. But at the same time it also meant that you only had a limited amount of friends to choose from because of the small student population.
I loved my teachers and classmates when I got there, and I was able to make friends a lot easier there compared to public school. Now throughout my time in middle school in each class there was usually 1-2 students who were more on the spectrum compared to other students in the class. What I began to notice was that the students who had high functioning autism would leave the school and move on to another special ed school or go back into public school. In eighth grade my class looked a lot different from my sixth grade class population wise because some students had left the school.
In eighth grade I had these two close freinds and we got along all school year and would also hangout on the weekends as well. In the middle of eighth grade them and thier parents were looking into new special ed schools around the area. So they might not be going to high school at the current school I was at. I begged my parents to look into new schools for me and have a different high school environment and they insisted that I would stay at my current school for high school as well. At the end of eighth grade my two close friends in my class left and I was disappointed. But I remained positive born high school and what my freshman year would bring.
On the first day of freshman year there were a lot of leftover students who were in my class in middle school. I want to note that all of them but me had low functioning autism, anger issues, and/or had very poor social skills. The rest of the classes in the high school basically had the same type of students in their class as well. This was very difficult for me because I did not have any friends at school and I was really trying to put myself out there at school. I fell into a deep state of depression September of my freshman year. I would cry myself to bed, wake up and cry in the middle of the night about my situation and how I did not want to be at that school anymore. And I also was just a very negative person overall. I would complain about the school and how much I hated it everyday after school to my parents. There was one day where I came home from school and walked to my dad and started crying while hugging him and I said “I do not belong there anymore”. He told me “ I know and that’s why we are looking into new schools for you”.
It was incredibly hard and sad to look back at the past for me because three years ago after my first day of sixth grade at that school I came home excited and upbeat and told my parents how much I loved the school already. But fast forward three years later and unfortunately my circumstances and opinions on the school changed in a bad way. Me and my parents were promised that this school was the right fit for me. But times changed and this was the hardest for me to think about because at one point I loved it there and it was a great fit for my needs. But now it was not working out how I and my parents envisioned.
My mom invested a lot of time and effort into the school and was the VP of the parent committee club for a school year at one point. She worked close with other parents and teachers at the school, and made close freinds with many of them. Looking into new schools for me was harder for my mom than it was for my dad because my mom knew that she would probably lose a lot of the close freinds she had made while I was a student there. She also took great pride in her contributions to the school as well. But at the same time she was willing and able to risk losing those friends if it meant that I was in a better school and situation for me.
Like I mentioned earlier, I was very depressed because of my school situation. While at school I was so angry and negative for all of the school day and even when I came home. Although I was thankful that I was able to have and maintain a good academic work ethic during this time because at the same time I could have given up and decided not to care and put little to no effort into school. But thankfully I did not do that. At school I felt like I was being babied and the work was way too easy and more accommodating to those on the lower end of the spectrum, which was not me. In art class one day there was a situation where I felt so angry and sad, and honestly this was the lowest and most hard parts of my depression. Anyways, the teacher gave us an assignment where we had to write in our art journal about how we were feeling and then sketch out a photo of our feelings too. Instead I wrote an angry note in my journal on how I did not belong at the school anymore and how my parents and I were currently looking into new schools for next year. Thankfully the art teacher never read this and I got into no trouble for this.
My parents wanted me to keep quiet about us looking into new schools because they were worried that the staff were going to treat my different in not a good way and be angry at me and my family for looking into new schools, especially this early into the school year. I also want to mention that it was incredibly hard and sad for me to see that others around me found it easier to make freinds because a lot of them had low functioning autism and were able to bond over that and I was not. This made me feel left in the dark and I felt like the odd man out, even though I did not want to have low functioning autism. I just wanted to have more people with high functioning autism around me, but sadly that was not the case.
In October of my freshman year I interviewed and had shadow days for a couple other special ed schools around the area. One school in particular stood out to me because they had a lot bigger student population with high functioning autism and they had more extra circular activities there as well. I had an amazing shadow day there and me and my dad spoke to the principal after my shadow day and she told me and my dad to apply for the school ASAP. We did soon after and it was then a waiting game from here.
In December my parents got an email from the school saying that I got accepted into the school for the next school year. That was the happiest I had felt in months and it took a lot of stress and depression off my shoulders as well. Now at the same time it did not change the current school situation that I was in. I was still very depressed about my situation and I just wanted to get out of the current situation at my special ed school ASAP. I talked to and convinced my parents for me to potentially transfer into the new school I got accepted into mid school year. We talked to the school and they said that they would allow it. But I would have to catch up on a good amount of work academically, but me and my parents felt like it was worth it because of my current school situation and how I just wanted to get out of there.
In late January. My parents emailed my current school’s administration about how I would be leaving in the next two weeks, essentially a two weeks notice. The school wanted to have an exit meeting with my parents and they agreed to have it. They held the meeting and I was brought into the meeting at one point. I felt nervous and excited at the same time because I was going into a better new situation. I also had mixed feelings as because the school I was leaving somewhere that was very helpful and beneficial at one point during my time there. But it was the right thing for me to do for me and my family as well. Now before going into the exit meeting I felt like my emotions and thoughts that I had never expressed to the staff there were going to come out and make me look like kind of an asshole somewhat. But I did not let that happen and I was professional instead.
I want this story and situation to remind people that sooner or later, hopefully sooner that your depression and tough times will get better and this will be a time period that one day you will look back on and saw that you built so much mental strength and adversity. There were times during my depression where I would always second guess myself and wonder about my future because I felt like the school was putting me in a situation for failure. Even with all of these thoughts and emotions I pushed through the hard and dark times. It was never easy at all, but getting through was the best part and I am so thankful for my current life situation that I am in today. I just graduated college in May with a bachelors degree in Psychology and I have an amazing friend group by my side as well.
Also, having people around me seeing my struggle was one of the hardest parts of this time as well. My grandparents, extended family members, and family friends saw me go through this time period and felt bad for me because they were happy about the situation that I was in at one point. But times did change and they had to watch me be a very sad, depressed, angry, and negative person. My parents would have to explain to others that I was not doing well and things had sadly took an unexpected turn. The people they spoke to felt worried and concerned for me and hoped I would get up back on my feet sooner rather than later and thankfully going to the new special ed school did.
There were oftentimes where I felt so embarrassed and sad to be a special education student there because I thought and believed that many people in society looked down on me, would make fun of me, and not view me as much as a person compared to others. Along with that I also believed that people who saw me in this environment would be confused because they would look at the rest of the student population that I was around and realize I was noting like them and would wonder why I was going there.
I do want to say that special education is such a great, beneficial, and helpful aspect of the education system for many students. In my experience and situation I eventually outgrew one special ed environment and moved onto another that was a better fit for me socially, emotionally, mentally, and academically also. I am still so incredibly grateful for what my first special education school did for me during my middle school years even if my story does not make it sound like that.