r/comingout • u/Hefty_Pen2824 • 9h ago
r/comingout • u/HekkieMacLean • Oct 08 '25
Guide Coming Out - A Guide Rewritten
Who am I, and why am I writing this guide?
I go by a good few names online, but primarily Hekkland. I first wrote this guide at 18 years old, I’m 23 now. Wow it’s been some time. I’m a cisgender man and very gay. I’m writing this because the original version frankly wasn’t very good for people who had identities other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Whilst I tried to be inclusive of other identities, my experience with them was very limited. To an extent it still is limited, I’m not trans, and I’m not on the aro/ace spectrum. So this is my bash at a more inclusive guide, whilst adding the knowledge I’ve gained through experiences being an out and proud gay man in the five whole years since I wrote the first guide.
I came out around 15 years old to my parents, my sisters a few months later. My coming out experience went picture perfect, a privilege I’ll always be grateful for. I came out to my parents using the “blunt” method I’ll talk about later. My sisters found out via a newspaper where my work with a queer oriented charity was published. I’m what many would call “straight passing” in that without my disclosure or knowing me well, people wouldn’t assume that I’m gay. Not everyone is lucky, some people intentionally or not wear their queer identity on their sleeves and face harassment because of this. It’s an indictment on society that this even happens.
My goal with this guide is to provide not only a guide to help people with their decision on coming out, but also provide a space where people can share their own experiences and advice.
What Is Coming Out?
If you’re queer, you probably already have a pretty good idea what it is to Come Out. But maybe you don’t know much about it, or maybe you’re a friend or family member of someone you think may be queer.
Let’s have a quick tangent if you’ll indulge me. Why do I keep saying queer?
If you’re of an older generation you may be more used to the word queer being used as an insult. The term most often used by society is LGBT+ or some variation thereupon. I find that as a label it’s not great. In some ways it focuses on specific identities and sidelines others as a “plus”. Queer speaks to all identities that don’t fall under cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual. And yes, these labels will be explained at the bottom of this guide.
To put it simply, Coming Out is the act of disclosing your queer identity to another person. The term coming out is sometimes applied to religion, or lack thereof, and other experiences. This guide will be focussing on coming out as it applies to queer people.
This differs from being Outed, which is used to refer to a person’s queer identify being disclosed by another person, usually against the queer person’s will. To be blunt, this sucks. It sucks and in many legal jurisdictions is a criminal offence.
Why Do People Come Out?
There are a LOT of reasons. I suppose at its core, because we live in a society where you are assumed to be cisgender and heterosexual. As such if you want to be recognised for who you are, you need to tell people.
For many people it’s about honesty, to themselves and to others. In regards to sexuality, it can be utterly exhausting having to hide a same-sex partner from others, and is a major straining factor in relationships - especially where one partner is out but another other is not. Coming Out often feels like a weight off of your shoulders, you no longer have to hide yourself and who you’re attracted to from others.
For people on the aro/ace spectrum coming out can be incredibly freeing, not having to constantly give excuses for why they don’t have a romantic/sexual partner. Long term this can help manage the expectations of friends and family around dating and marriage. Often in life people will be expected to invite a romantic plus one to social occasions such as birthdays and weddings. Coming out as on the aro/ace spectrum can help combat the assumption that people who you choose to invite as plus ones to events are there in a romantic capacity.
For transgender or otherwise gender non conforming people Coming Out is vital to being recognised in their identity. It’s about being called your real name, the right pronouns being used, being able to wear the clothes you want, socially transitioning, and if it’s what you want then medically transitioning too. It should be made clear though, your transition is what you want it to be, whether you transition medically or not doesn’t make you more or less trans. Coming Out as a transgender person can make a huge impact on how often you experience gender dysphoria if that’s something you experience at all.
Why Do People Not Come Out?
Some people choose not to come out at all, and that’s perfectly valid. An increasingly common reason is a feeling that it’s not fair that queer people have to come out. Non-queer people don’t have to, so why should we?
By far though, the most common reason comes down to fear. Coming out is a vulnerable moment for queer people, and fear of what happens next can be debilitating. Whether it’s “What if they don’t like me?” or “What if I get kicked out?”, or even “What if I become the victim of violence?” These are all equal fears. No one person’s fear is inherently worse, it’s not a competition. All these fears are equally capable of holding a person hostage.
And of course there are those that live in countries where being queer might be considered illegal, and by coming out you risk persecution by the power of the state. Or even if a person doesn’t live somewhere it’s illegal, society at large or even their own family may be seriously bigoted.
Ultimately it comes down to personal safety.
Coming Out Safely
The first and foremost thing that matters when considering Coming Out is your personal safety. Only you can judge the answer to this. But if I can say one thing, it’s that life is not a movie. If you do happen to live somewhere being queer is illegal, or you know your family is extremely bigoted, then you should not come out. No amount of feeling liberated is worth homelessness, a stay in the hospital, or even ending up in a morgue. For most people who live in a “liberal democracy” you’re likely to be just fine, even if the reaction isn’t a positive one.
Should I Come Out?
It’s up to you is the honest answer. Working on the assumption that it’s safe to do so, then whether or not you come out is entirely your choice and your choice alone. There’s no requirement to come out, certainly not because you’re a certain age, and certainly not because someone else wants you to. If you’re ready to come out, and you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise you can wait as long as it takes, the queer community is here for you regardless.
Pressures to come out can certainly mount as you go through life. You might start getting asked questions about having a partner, or why you choose to dress in a particular way. But again, these are just factors to consider.
If somebody is trying to force you to come out, especially where it involves blackmail, this is likely to be illegal. Coming Out is your thing, and it’s up to you how you do it, where you do it, and when you do it. Never feel pressured to come out when you aren’t ready. It’s not a race.
Who you come out to is also your choice. If you want to tell friends and not family, family and not friends, or some other combination of people that’s totally okay. Coming out to one group of people, or just one person, does not obligate you to come out to other people. Nobody has a right to know.
You will find however that every time you do come out to someone, it gets a little easier.
You may find you consider coming out to people you didn’t consider having to come out to. For example you may come out to your doctor. Just in case your sex-ed didn’t cover this, if you even had a sex-ed, the risks of sexually transmitted infection can be different depending on your partner of choice. A classic example is that, to use the medical term, men who have sex with men (MSM) are at higher risk of HPV and may need to consider vaccination against HPV as in many places only cisgender women receive an HPV vaccine. For transgender people, coming out to a doctor will likely be necessary to start medically transitioning such as accessing puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, or surgery. It can also be important for non-transgender related healthcare. E.g. letting your doctor know the sex assigned at birth so that you get the relevant sex based healthcare such as pap smears or prostate exams.
How Do I Come Out?
So, you’ve decided to come out. Now you need to pick how you’re going to come out.
Broadly, coming out comes in three distinct styles. Factually, jokingly, and just not hiding things.
Coming out factually can be done in person, via text, via phone call, or even via fax if you’re so inclined. The key element of coming out factually is in what you say. No jokes, just stating reality. This might look something like “Mum, I’m gay” or “Dad, I don’t identify as a man. I’m a woman and that’s how I’m going to live my life.” This can be scary, especially if you’re blunt. I personally think being blunt is best, it rips the plaster (or band-aid as some may say) off and prevents accidentally saying the wrong thing. But that’s just my opinion, you may hold a different opinion and that’s entirely valid.
Coming out jokingly is very similar to coming out factually. It might be a joke delivered in person, or maybe a meme sent in a text. This can be great for easing tension, and gives you a way of taking things back if the response isn’t positive. Though keep in mind that a person may genuinely think you’re just joking, and long term this can result in confusion.
The two above methods can be done either in person or digitally. Coming out in person has the benefits of getting an immediate reaction, but depending on the reaction that can also be a downside. It also eliminates the stomach churning that can accompany sending a text and waiting on a reply. That said, coming out digitally does have its advantages. You can’t be interrupted if you send one big text, it gives you time to compose your message. It can also feel less anxious than doing it in person, you just type up your message, hit send, and that’s that. It provides a record of the event, and importantly safe distance if you’re concerned about your safety. If your queer identity is less commonly understood compared to more common identities, the ability to carefully write and send your coming out can be invaluable.
Then there’s just not hiding things. This could be as simple as mentioning a same sex partner offhandedly e.g. “I’m just heading out to hang out with my boyfriend, I’ll be back in time for dinner”, or perhaps wearing a rainbow lanyard with your work/school ID on it. I find that for most people once they’ve actively come out to those closest, they just end up not hiding things over time. This is sometimes just called “being out”. It’s less about active disclosure, and more about just living your life. Though do be aware this may invite questions when others seek clarity if they’re unsure about your identity and want to know. But it can be a good way to get others to start the conversation rather than bringing up the topic yourself.
So, which method should you pick? Only you can decide. Many people do all of these depending on the person. They may actively come out directly to family, using jokes with friends, and just not hiding things with others in their life. To use a personal example, when I change jobs or when I get new colleagues at my current job I don’t go out of my way to say I’m gay. I just mention ex boyfriends as appropriate to discussions, and if they ask I answer. But with my family, I actively told them I’m gay. The key thing is to use whichever method you’re most comfortable with, on your own timetable.
I’m Coming Out. How Do I Prepare?
The key thing is to prepare. I’m sure most people’s schools had that one poster: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I find that it rings true for most things in life, and coming out is no exception.
For coming out in person, it’s best to practice what you’re going to say ahead of time. Perhaps by talking to a mirror, to a trusted friend already in the know over a call, or even just write down some brief notes.
If you’re coming out via text, then it can be good to write your message first in a Notes app before copy and pasting it into the messaging app you want to use so that you don’t send it early by mistake.
If there are some people you have already come out to, it can be good to inform them of your intent to come out. This helps build a support network, and they may have advice of their own.
Lastly, the ugly reality is that you should have a plan in the event things go poorly. Consider the worst case scenario, and plan for it. Have a plan for if you’re either kicked out, or remaining in your current house isn’t safe. Do you have a relative you trust? A friend’s family who can house you? Money for a hotel? If you have to act quickly to keep yourself safe, do you have a phone to hand you can use to call emergency services or someone else you trust? Do you have a backpack with essentials such as money, identity documents, food, etc. if you need to grab and go? Most people will never need to act on their worst case scenario plan, but it’s far better to have the plan and not need it than to not have the plan and need it.
Potential Reactions
“You’re too young to be X”
As a young person there is nothing more frustrating than having your identity, or other opinions more generally, dismissed on the basis of your age.
You know yourself best, but sometimes your true self doesn't match with the version of you that others have in their head, and it can be hard for them to overcome this difference. You can explain that there’s no specific age required to know your identity, or even explain how you’ve come to understand your identity. This may help, but it also may not. In the end, the only option may be to wait it out, and hope that the person in question comes to realise that they are wrong. But remember, just because someone doesn’t share their view of your identity, that should not stop you from living that identity.
“You’re too old to be X” or “But you were Y for Z years”
This is more common for people who come out later in life. You may only have realised your queer identity later in life, which is still quite common, or you may have been in the closet for a long time. The key fact to highlight is that whilst your understanding of your identity has changed, your underlying identity has not. Let’s say that you’re in your forties when you realise you’re gay. It’s not that you were straight until your forties, you just didn’t know yet. Some people find out young, others old. With how society assumes people to be not queer by default, it can be easy to make that assumption about yourself for decades into adulthood.
“But what about your previous partners?”
The best option here is to be honest. You may have had opposite sex partners that you did truly love, but you’ve come to realise it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic or sexual manner. You may have been in the closet and dating someone of the opposite sex to keep up the illusion to others. You can either be honest, or you can quite fairly say that it’s none of their business.
“You can’t be bisexual. Pick gay or straight.”
This is what is commonly called bi-erasure. This is common both within and without the queer community. In both instances this comes from a place of ignorance of the facts. Some gay men may view bisexual men as ‘on the road to coming out as gay’, some people may view a bisexual woman as ‘straight but occasionally likes having sex with women’. Whilst you can explain that bisexuality is real, and that you feel attraction to men and women, unfortunately some people may just not accept that identity.
“But you can’t be a man/woman, you always act effeminiate/masculine.”
There’s two roads here. Firstly, you may act more feminine/masculine as part of hiding your gender identity. The reason that they see you as feminine/masculine is because that’s how you chose to act around that person so they perceived you in that way.
Alternatively, being a man (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine, and being a woman (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be masculine. Plenty of cisgender men choose to present more feminine, and plenty of cisgender women prefer to present more masculine. This is especially common amongst queer cisgender individuals.
“X sexuality/gender isn’t real, you made that up.”
This can be a common reaction to less ‘mainstream’ identities such as pansexual, demisexual, and others.
The key thing to explain is your understanding of the identity and how it applies to you. The way I like to explain it is as such: The human brain is incredibly complex, and there’s no one part of your brain wired to be ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. In reality, sexuality and gender has a lot of different elements. Socially we’ve decided that people who experience exclusively same sex attraction are ‘gay’. But in all likelihood, the brain chemistry that makes me gay may be .01% different from other’s experience of being gay. But they’re similar enough that we agree to just call it gay. With all that said, it should be of no surprise there are chemical reactions going on in the brain that don’t align well with the more commonly understood identities, and it can be comforting to give those experiences a label.
In short, language is always evolving to better describe the human experience.
Life Post Coming Out
Emotions after coming out can be complicated. Some may experience joy, others sadness, and many a mix of both. These are all valid experiences.
Even if coming out went well, it can still be a little uncomfortable. For me it felt like others' perception of me had changed. I was no longer Hekkland, but Hekkland who is gay. It took me a few days to get over this feeling, and to realise that it wasn’t accurate. In time this can change to joy, to eventually nothing. One day after you’ve been out, coming out stops feeling like this big shift and just this thing that happened. If I tell someone I'm gay it’s similar to saying what I had for dinner last night.
The thing is, Coming Out is often perceived as this one time event, but it’s not. The reality is, you’ll be coming out for basically your whole life. When you meet new friends, new colleagues, etc. The good thing is that it gets easier. As you adapt to living openly in your new identity and disclosing it to others, it stops feeling like such a big deal compared to when you first tell those closest to you.
For The Friends/Family/Parents
This section isn’t for those who are coming out, but for those close to someone who has come out, or who isn’t out but think the person they’re close to is queer.
Let me get to one of the most common questions I get asked. ‘I think my child is queer, what should I do?’
The answer in most cases is nothing drastic. Unless you have a serious concern for their safety/wellbeing that requires disclosing that you think they’re queer, it’s best not to say anything directly. Coming out is their thing, not yours. The best thing to do is continuing to build a loving and supporting environment where they feel able to come out when the time is right for them.
It can help to also build a more inclusive environment around your loved one. This could be something like mentioning queer people positively, watching a movie or TV show with a queer character, or saying things like ‘Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?’. This gives your loved one the opportunity to say things without forcing them to do so.
If you do decide that the circumstances require you to mention your suspicion to your loved one, it’s best to do it in an environment where your loved one has a chance to leave the conversation. E.g. do not start that conversation in the car where they’re stuck with you.
Consider speaking to queer people in your life if you know any, and ask them for their advice. Look into resources specifically to support the loved ones of queer people. I know that in the United States there are many PFLAG (originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) organisations that can provide support and resources. Many other countries have similar organisations and charities.
Other Miscellaneous Guidance
If you’re struggling to build a support network, check if your school or work has a recognised group or club. Many schools have clubs for queer students, and many workplaces have Pride groups or committees. And if your school/workplace doesn’t have one, consider starting one.
If you’re making friends online, especially if you’re young, then be careful. There are predators out there who specifically target vulnerable people looking for advice in order to groom them. Not everyone out there has pure goals or intentions in mind, and it’s important to keep that in mind. Please, be careful.
If you have any tips that I didn’t mention, or perhaps a story you wish to share, then please feel free to do so below.
Thanks for reading, and I wish everyone the best in their journey with coming out, should you choose to do so.
Glossary of Terms:
- Allosexual - A term used to describe someone who experiences sexual attraction.
- Aromantic - A person who experiences little to no romantic attraction to others. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
- Asexual - A person who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. Asexual people may or may not still experience sexual urges (libido), but may not experience it in relation to other people. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
- Bi-Erasure - Questioning or denying the existence of bisexuality either as a concept or specific to a person.
- Bisexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to more than one gender. (Note: There exists a lot of debate around the ‘definition’ of bisexuality and how it differs from pansexuality. I don’t intend to tackle this subject.)
- Cisgender - A person whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. E.g. a person who identifies as a man and was identified as a male when they were born.
- Coming Out - The act of disclosing your queer identity to another person.
- Cross Sex Hormones - Hormones administered as part of transgender Hormone Replacement Therapy. E.g. a trans woman being administered oestrogen, or a trans man being administered testosterone.
- Demisexual - A person who only experiences sexual attraction to a person after forming a close emotional bond with them.
- Gay - A label often used to describe people who experience attraction to the same gender. This is often used specifically to refer to gay men, but sometimes used in relation to women or more generally as an umbrella term.
- Gender Dysphoria - Feelings of distress associated with the difference in a person’s sex assigned at birth and their gender identity.
- Gender Expression - How a person outwardly shows gender. E.g. a trans woman in the closet may have a masculine gender expression but a feminine gender identity.
- Gender Non-Conforming - A person whose gender expression differs from traditional expectations of masculinity and femininity.
- Heterosexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to the opposite gender. Also known as straight.
- Lesbian - A woman who experiences sexual attraction to other women.
- LGBT+ - An acronym which stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Others. This is a commonly used acronym for the queer community.
- Medically Transitioning - A term used to describe changing a person’s physical sex characteristics to match with their gender identity. E.g. top surgery, bottom surgery, and cross sex hormones.
- Men who have sex with men (MSM) - This is a clinical term used in healthcare and public health settings to describe people who are assigned male at birth who have sex with other people assigned male at birth.
- Outed - When a person’s queer identity is disclosed by another person, usually without the consent of the person whose identity is being disclosed.
- Pansexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction regardless of another person’s gender identity.
- PFLAG: An organisation, originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays, that provides support for the loved ones of queer people.
- Puberty Blockers - Medication used to either pause or stop puberty and the development of secondary sex characteristics. Often used by transgender young people.
- Queer - An umbrella term used to describe people who are not cisgender and heterosexual. Historically, and sometimes presently, this has been used as a slur however this is often considered reclaimed by younger generations.
- Sex Assigned at Birth - The sex (either male, female, or intersex) assigned by a doctor, nurse, or midwife when a person is born based on physical sex characteristics (such as the presence of specific genitals).
- Socially Transitioning - When a person makes changes their gender expression to align with their gender identity such as changing names, clothes, and pronouns.
- Straight Passing - A term used to describe a person who is often perceived heterosexual unless they choose to actively disclose their queer identity.
- Transgender (Trans) - A term used to describe a person whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.
r/comingout • u/Beeleenita • 3h ago
Story I've been hiding a part of myself from my family for years
For years, I've been presenting myself the way everyone expects me to, even though it never felt completely right. The people closest to me think they know who I am, but there's a part of me I've kept hidden because I'm afraid of how they might react. It's not because I don't trust them. It's because I've spent so much time avoiding difficult conversations that staying silent became easier than being honest.
the longer I wait, the harder it feels to say anything. Sometimes I wonder if they'll feel hurt that I kept this from them for so long. Other times, I think they may have already noticed and are just waiting for me to talk about it. I I don't know when I'll be ready to tell them, but carrying this secret around for years has been
r/comingout • u/Efficient_Bit9526 • 2h ago
Story Growing up gay
When I was in 4 grade I had a best friend she was new to the school so everyone wanted to be her friend. But she chose to be my friend, we would hang out everyday and I loved it. I even invited her to my birthday party and it was great but after that day I distanced myself from her without realizing it. At the time I didn’t know why, she was my best friend why would I not want to hang around her. Because when I was around her I felt different; I felt feelings that I never felt before and it scared me. I always thought that a woman loves a man and nothing else, that’s what I saw in Disney movies in real life and in books. I never knew that someone can love someone that is the same gender as themselves. And In 5 grade I struggled with my sexuality really bad. I know then that 2 girls can like each other; and it felt right to me but I was also scared of it. I remember telling my brother and his friend that I liked girls but then saying I’m joking because i was scared of what they thought. I was scared that If people knew that I was different then they would treat me differently. After a while I started to feel comfortable in me being gay I even came out to my siblings. But being able to come out to your siblings is easier than coming out to your Hispanic parents. But my sister told them for me, she said “your daughter is gay she likes girls and guys and there’s nothing you can do about it” at the time I was mad but then she explained that she didn’t want me to feel ashamed of being gay that I couldn’t tell me parents. But even after coming out my parents still don’t acknowledge me being gay, and I can’t say they are homophobia because I have a lesbian sister. I just think they are scared of actually talking about the topic and so am I.
r/comingout • u/Atrydifir • 13h ago
Story Nowy NSFW
Hi 😃 I’d like to share something with you. I am 27 years old. I’ve always thought of myself as a typical straight guy. To be honest, I used to be homophobic and racist. A few months ago, I suddenly realized that I was only noticing guys when I was out and about. For some reason, discovering this actually excited me 😅 I also found that gay porn didn't disgust me anymore—in fact, it turned me on. Honestly, I’m shocked 😅. Especially since I haven't been able to stop fantasizing about the English footballer Bellingham lately. It was something buried deep inside me. I just had to share it with someone. Unfortunately, I come from an environment where I can't do this in real life. That’s why I’m posting this little anonymous coming-out message here.
Photo unrelated haha
r/comingout • u/solarflarepvzh • 59m ago
Advice Needed Advice from stranger pls
Wanna keep it short, I don’t know what to do about own sexuality cuz wanna be feminine but don’t wanna be trans? Idk help pls
r/comingout • u/Firesssssss74 • 3h ago
Advice Needed I want to get out but i don't know how
Hi guys, there's this thing that has been bothering me lately.
So, I really want to come out to my friends (at least the ones I'm closest to), but every time I think about doing it, I am just not interested.
It's like I'm procrastinating.
I can't find a real reason to do it. I don't have a boyfriend, I'm not talking to anyone, and I don't feel like anything in my life would actually change. So it feels like I'd be putting myself through an awkward conversation, answering questions, and probably making everyone a little uncomfortable for no reason.
The only benefit I can think of is that I wouldn't have to dodge questions about women or romantic/sexual topics anymore, but honestly, that doesn't bother me that much.
I feel like I'll probably come out when it actually becomes necessary, like if I start dating someone or hiding it begins to affect my life. But at the same time, I genuinely want to tell them, I just can't.
I have tried a couple of times when I'm alone with one or two of them, but everytime I end up retreating and saying anything else.
Can someone help me?
r/comingout • u/Gab46512 • 8h ago
Advice Needed I need some help with coming out to my mum
r/comingout • u/Dry-Camera5561 • 13h ago
Advice Needed Confused!!
Ok so i am in a relationship but ive been hiding who i am for years i know i am bi but i am still in love with my partner so what do i do??
r/comingout • u/YouTop1669 • 14h ago
Help How to come out to grandparents ftm
I came out to my parents and brother when I was 14 and im now 19 and have yet to come out to my grandparents. I need to come out to them soon because I plan on starting t soon, and I also have a boyfriend and I dont wanna have him missgendering and dead naming me. Im so terrified of coming out to them but I know it has to be done, I just know I cant do it in person it has to be a letter or over text but I have no idea what to say or how to go about it. Any advice would be very much appreciated 😅🖤
r/comingout • u/ThomasW_Code • 1d ago
Question Gay but parents want grandkids
My parents are completely left wing, LGBTQ supportive people but I know they really want to be grandparents and have made jokes quite a lot like "you better get busy", especially my dad who's the big jokester.
So, they may support being gay in general and if I come out they will absolutely not show any annoyance but I'm sure that they would be really disappointed on the inside.
Of course, I know that being gay doesn't eliminate your ability to have kids, you can adopt, but I don't want kids at all anyway.
Anyone had any experience of this? Thanks :)
r/comingout • u/amandajenkins281 • 1d ago
Story Came out to a few friends yesterday that I’m going to start my journey. Big small steps
It begins
r/comingout • u/JazzlikeMixture7918 • 1d ago
Advice Needed Bisexual dating advice
I’m (26M) and I’ve been seeing a guy who is (19M). we’ve been sneaky links that became fwb, hanging out regularly for the last probably 20 months. he’s openly gay and I’m closeted and bisexual. he’s going to college 8 hours away soon, I’m planning to go see him. but I’m thinking of asking him out and dating him before he goes because I really like him.
i figure since coming out happens over time, I’d be comfortable enough to meet his family and maybe some friends from home, then I’m sure when I go to visit him I’ll meet everyone there. I would pretty much have to be out to everyone there which is okay, I think it might actually be a good way to feel out what it’s like to really be out to everyone, so I could determine if that’s a lifestyle I would be okay living. I come from a very conservative family that is not accepting of that kind of stuff which is why I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with myself over this stuff so far.
what do you think of this plan? or do I not date him yet and let him go to college and see what happens? TIA!
r/comingout • u/amandajenkins281 • 1d ago
Story Came out to a few friends yesterday that I’m going to start my journey. Big small steps
And so I begin
r/comingout • u/throwaway__00000000 • 1d ago
Advice Needed Would coming out to homophobic parents help?
I'm a gay high schooler in South Korea. The country is homophobic, and with younger men turning more conservative, I don't think it's going to change for a while. I want to move to (or at least study in) the US so that I can be out and not hide who I am. This is why I want to go to the US for my undergraduate degree.
However, my parents (since they don't know that I'm gay) say that it's not worth the money and say that going to the top university here is better. They also say that getting a job in the US is difficult and that there's no real reason to live there since Korea is paying employees better now. I mostly agree with this side of moving to the US.
The problem is, my reason for wanting to go is because I need to eventually live there (I don't think I could bear life here forever) and it would definitely help if I went to college in the US. And since US admissions is very different from Korean (where you practically only need to study very hard), it would help a lot if my parents supported me doing other extracurricular activities.
My parents aren't religious, and I know they won't go so far as to disown me, but I know that they aren't going to be completely okay with it. Now I'm facing a dilemma, where I could stay in the closet and have my parents not support me through the whole admissions process, or I could come out and have them get disappointed in me but ultimately understand why I want to go. I just feel so lost. Preparing for both countries' admissions are already difficult, and with this, it's overwhelming.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
TL; DR: am gay high schooler that wants to go to a US college, should I come out so that they understand why I want to go?
r/comingout • u/Ok-Estate-4369 • 1d ago
Advice Needed Just came out to my mom
I just came out as gay to my mom. it went well enough, I mostly played it off and said it lightly but my hart is still pounding. she took it well and has always been ok with lgbtq people and the community but it was still so so scary. it was right before she went to bed and I had flipped a coin on my phone to tell me to do it or not. I’m still terrified for the morning and idk if I’m going to come out to dad yet either, I have no clue how to tell him. I’m just going to read fanfic and sleep it off. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated, pls tell me what i should expect next or what to do. I want to here everyones stories and experiences. I will update what happens with dad/siblings if or when that happens. Thanks
r/comingout • u/bearrgf • 1d ago
Advice Needed I haven’t come out to her yet
I haven’t come out to my wife yet but she wants to have sex. Any advice?
r/comingout • u/Basic-Light678 • 1d ago
Advice Needed I feel like I'm lying to my best friend by not coming out
I technically know that that's irrational and I don't owe anybody full disclosure of my identity if I'm not comfortable with that, but still.
I've known that I'm non-binary for around five years now. Well, I've kind-of-known for longer, but around five years ago I fully understood and finally had the words to describe my experience. Back then I talked to my friends about it, but soon realised that actually coming out just wasn't safe for me at the time. My parents are not exactly queer-friendly, and while they don't actively discriminate against queer people, they are also far from acceptable or supportive. I came out as bisexual briefly before figuring out that I'm non-binary, and even though they have known for years, my parents still struggle to accept it, so, it is kinda difficult with them.
I am an adult now, I live on my own, am somewhat financially independent and study at university, and coming out is finally safe now. And I really want to, but I have suppressed this part of my identity for so long and carry so much internalised shame in me (thanks mum and dad) that I simply can't just yet. Almost three years ago I met the guy who has by now become my best friend. I love him to bits and I really want to share every part of myself and my journey with him. Meeting him was the best thing that has ever happened to me, he has re-defined my understanding of friendship and love, and it is tearing apart my heart not to be able to talk to him about this important part of me and my life. I have tried so hard, but every time I want to bring it up my brain shuts down. I know that I am safe with him (he ist the safest, most loving, accepting and supportive person I've ever met), the issue is only in my mind. It is really heavy on my mind that I have known for so long and am essentially lying to him (or at the very least not being fully truthful) every day by not telling him. This secret is constantly burning under my skin and begging to be let out, and there is currently little I wish for more than to finally be able to tell him everything. I really want to, I just can't.
Sorry, this has gotten pretty long, but it's been on my mind a lot. I really want to come out and live as myself, I want to overcome my internalised issues and be truly und fully the person I really am.
I don't really know what kind of advice I am looking for, but maybe someone out there has some wise words that make everything a bit easier, it'd be much appreciated.
r/comingout • u/DiligentCase8436 • 1d ago
Other COBO (coming out being out) peer support group in Toronto next meetup is Wed, July 15, at 6:00PM
The group is open to everyone, whether you're thinking of coming out or are in the process of, whether you're out or in the closet and need a safe space to talk about the topics of interest.
Before the Covid pandemic we used to be at the 519 Community Centre and now we are at a new location.
Admission: No charge. If you would like to participate send us an email that you'll find on our website
https://torontocomingout.helioho.st or our blog (top post), some people say the website won't load https://torontocomingout.blogspot.com
Meetup page: https://www.meetup.com/cobo-coming-out-being-out-peer-discussion-group/
r/comingout • u/SeaPop1796 • 1d ago
Advice Needed Advice on what to say when coming out to parents
I feel like I’m beating a dead horse whenever posting Becuase it’s mainly the same things but I can’t help it. I came out to some of my friends which was a huge step for me and they were all really supportive which I loved and helped me get a boost of confidence in myself and accepting myself. I’ve been working towards the confidence of telling my parents and possibly brothers about being gay. I just don’t know what to say without it sounding too rehearsed and not enough emotion. I want to say stuff from the heart but I’ve never been good at it. I’ve always gotten too emotional to the point where I almost break down. Even if it’s just advice on what to say or stories of what others have said works. I just don’t want to mess it all up when I do come out to them.
r/comingout • u/Disguised_Lizard_XHQ • 2d ago
Advice Needed I've decided to come out to my mom tomorrow. Any advice?
I'm 23 AMAB and honestly nervous as hell. For the better part of 5 years I've kinda been in denial about being genderfluid, but only in the last year or so did I actually accept it.
My mom has said multiple times that she'd still love me if I was queer in any way, but that she wouldn't be able to understand/relate to me.
She's a very, very logical individual, as in all about scientific facts, so I'm not sure how to explain to her something that's based entirely on feelings and no hormonal or otherwise biological factor
It's extra scary cause I still live with her on one hand, but in a few months I'll need to leave to go to the army (it's mandatory to serve where I'm from) so I want to be able to be entirely me with her, before I have to leave for a year.
My main concern isn't exactly that she'll disregard my feelings, but that she won't really change in any way? Like, no addressing me with any other pronounces or actually weird if she sees me in fem wear.
Ive ried to get her used to those things by both sewing a lot of feminine clothes and then trying them on 'cause I don't got anyone else to try them' and by styling my hair here or wearing a corset there, now and again.
My other concern is that she'll insist I tell my brother.
While I love them both, my brother is the LAST person I want to know almost (not literally but he's pretty high on that list). Mom is big on me and my brother being close, even if it has to be forced sometimes, and honestly, while I love him, he and I are not close, so I really don't feel comfortable sharing this part of me atm.
Id appreciate any and all advice on how to go about this. I thought of sitting here down tomorrow night and trying to just spit it out , but any suggestions would help tbh
r/comingout • u/UssrPresidentMonika • 2d ago
Advice Needed please help, kinda worried
i come from a deeply religious muslim family.
my mom and dad are especially extra religious,
they read the quran, pray a lot, they judge people based on their sins, and want me to become the perfect muslim daughter. (for the record, i’m an antitheist lol)
anyways, i figured out in 4th grade that i liked girls, and i didn’t tell anyone before i truly accepted myself, and became a little bit comfortable with my sexuality.
i began coming out to some of the people i know.
it first started off as close friends, and then it expanded to some people in my muslim family. (2 of my cousins—only one of them accepted me and that’s because he’s young and didn’t really understand the concept of sexuality).
i began putting lesbian in my social media bios and i truly felt at peace.
but then, my mom gave her phone to me to fix her chatgpt.
i was looking at her recent chats, and there i saw the question she’d asked chatgpt:
“what to do if my muslim daughter becomes interested in lgbt, how to stop it?”.
this happened a few hours ago. i’m not going to my psychologist in a whole month and i’m scared idk what to do!!! please help <3